New To After Silence

[aceofhearts]

Hello everyone. Hm where to begin? Well right down to the point of the matter, I guess. I am a senior in highschool. Drama, acting, speeches, debates, anything of the sort has been my passion growing up. As a little girl I've always wanted to be in the room where the grown ups were because I'd love to make them laugh. I felt special everytime I'd make the older people laugh, or smile, just so I can feel like I'm appreciated, somewhat. Yes, I'd have to say the limelight wasn't that bad.

What I'm trying to say is, this is my last year in high school. I go to a christian school and it's very conservative. It's great, don't get me wrong, I just have never shared my story with anybody (other than my family.) I'm a member of the speech team (Forensics/Debate) and I've won countless awards, trophies, scholarships and whatnot. I've done a few original pieces myself that included some of the things that I am very passionate about. Yes yes I know I'm babbling on and on ... but the thing is, I'd like to write an original piece to perform this year. A piece not about me, or what had happened to me. A piece about what I felt after. All the anger that brewed up inside, for all those people who said they knew what I was going through. And for everytime I had heard the word 'rape' or 'child abuse' or 'molestation'. On the TV, as a punch line, as a sick pleasure. It stabbed through me every time. I felt that anger boil up inside of me. I would like to do this, being it my last year in high school and all. I want to do something to express myself, through what I love most.

When I first told my parents about it, they put me through counseling and therapy. And I've jumped from one doctor to the next. It could be my immature rebelliousness inside of me. But, for some reason I hated them all. There were times where I regretted telling my parents because it didn't change what happened. Well as you can imagine, they all said the same thing about them really caring and wanting me to heal and how they know how I feel or what I'm going through. Everytime they had tried that line on me, I flipped out. Yelling at them, screaming at them, never shedding a tear in front of them. But secretly be crying inside. I wanted them to know that they can't help me by saying they know how I feel, or how to fix me. I want others to know that what had happened can't be fixed and isn't easy. The thing that I want most to happen through my monologue, is that I want others to realize 'rape' isn't just a word. It's something that others who have not experienced it cannot fathom. Some people just frown upon it. Some people shake thier heads or sigh heavily. I would like them to take a glimpse of how much the pain and suffering is even after it all. Even if it is for those 5 minutes that I'm doing my speech. I just want them to know that 'rape' isn't just a sad thing in the world. It was the biggest thing in mine.

Heh as you can tell I'm very heated about it at the moment, and I've probably went all psycho crazy on everyone. But if you did waste your time on me by reading this awfully long post ... I'd love to hear any comments or suggestions. I can even take criticism about how idiotic this whole thing might be. But I've never really kept in contact with anyone that I've known/met that had gone through something like this. And I'm hoping After Silence can bring me that.

So thank you to all those people who are actually read this.

Feel free to e-mail me or something.

Thanks again.

Yours Truly,

Aces

Edited July 24, 2005 by aceofhearts

[Survivors sanctuary]

Welcome to AS, Afraid I haven't really got any advice right now but I hope that being here will help you in some way ..

[aceofhearts]

Aww thanks sweetheart. That's just fine

[Stefka]

Welcome to After Silence

I am sorry for everything that you have been through. It is ok to be heated and it sounds like you have great ideas for letting our emotions out in a healthy way. I am a theatre person myself so totally relate to your desire to use creativity as part of your healing process. I have done a few projects myself that are related to what happened to me and I have a creativity section on my website.

If you are going to create something then one thing that is worth thinking about is distance. I found it helpful to distance myself from the work - I never made things that were exactly about me - or at least I never identified them to others as being about me. Those close to me knew of course but it offered me some protection from other people's opinions.

I am glad you found the board and I hope that being here helps.

Take care

Stefka

[Donna]

Welcome to the board sweetheart. :hug:

[Charlene]

welcome

~charlene~

[SnowDragon24]

Welcome to the forum. It's a nice place here and really supportive.

[Jessie]

Welcome to After Silence Aces

[aceofhearts]

Thank you everyone for the welcomes. It really helps.

Stefka

Thanks sweetheart that means a lot. Hmm I'm glad you can relate and I agree about the distance thing. I plan to make it so that others who feel what I'm going through can understand as well.

[shivedheart]

I absolutely LOVE debating, and all that. Welcome to the board. Oh, and like you? I've hated all the therapists (I call them terrorists) I've been to and I'm 28.

I never told anyone what was going on. Not during high school. But when I got to college, and I heard people saying jokes or saying they knew what it was like, I lost it. A girl in my Psych. of Women class said women often "Deserve to be r@ped." I lost it. I looked at her and said, "I was three, did I deserve it?" So I told my story after that.

Anyway, welcome!!!

[Stefka]

I think your project sounds great and if you ever want someone to bounce ideas off of then feel free to pm me

Stefka

[~Catherine~]

Welcome to After Silence, hun.

~Catherine

[0stara]

welcome to after silence, aces. good luck with your monologue. i'm sure many of us will want to read it when you've got a draft....i would, at least.

vertigo