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I Need To Say This.


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Hi, I'm female and from Texas. I'm so new to this, and terrified of giving away too much about what has happened to me, the internet can be so permanent at times...

I was raped. Within the last week. By someone I trusted.

...

I can't stop myself from thinking about or going over the details in my head again and again. I feel like there is something wrong with me, my memory is stuck on replay. It feels like the incident has been going on for days rather than 30 minutes. I've told one person what happened. They went with me to the hospital, I got a SANE exam (rape kit), but haven't told the police. I don't know if I will or if I'll ever want to press charges. I still care about the person who hurt me. It's stupid, so stupid. I shouldn't care about him or be worried about him, not after what he did. But I do. I can't help it.

I'm terrified of visiting my family today, I haven't told them, don't want to tell them. I've always had an extremely close relationship with my Father and Brother, but I'm terrified of what my reaction might be if they try to hug me or touch me. I haven't been able to stand being near people, especially men, even just collecting change from a cashier freaks me out. I don't want to touch anybody, I don't want anybody touching me. I don't know how I'm going to get through this holiday. I just want everything to go back to normal. I feel so alone.

Thank you for listening, this is so hard.

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:hug::hug: :hug:

Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Thank you for sharing.

Found

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Thank you. It means so much to have a place where I feel I can belong.

It's so weird to be walking around in all the places I've been before and for everything to be the same and yet be completely different. And no one seems to notice. The world is upside down. And no one can see it but me. And then I remember that I'm not the only one who can see it, I'm not alone. We all share the same world, we see what no one else can.

Sorry if that sounds weird, but after reading so many posts on here I can't help but feel a close conection to the people on this board. I'm not alone. And that means so much to me, so much. I'm so glad I found this place.

*hugs*

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welcome to after-silence. :)

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Hi MiscTX,

I am a member of the Newbie Support Team and just wanted to take the time to say welcome to After Silence. I am sorry that your trust has been violated and that your world is spinning. Mine was a date rape too. My story is here. It is triggering. There is more than just the this incident so read with care...and ONLY if you want to. Many of the things you wrote about I have also struggled with including feelings of confusion about my perpetrator.

http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.ph...c=29268&hl=

I hope that you find comfort and support here as you become part of our community. I am glad that you have joined with us and look forward to getting to know you. If you need anything or have questions about the boards or how something works, please send me a personal message. I will gladly help in any way possible...also if you need someone to listen, let me know.

Edited by sisterinsurvival
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I hope you are finding your way around the boards ok.

Found

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Thank you for sharing sisterinsurvival, I read a little bit of your story, but I find that I need breaks in between to be able to digest. I'm still going through a rollercoaster of emotions. From sad and depressed to sick and disgusted to mad and enraged at what was done to me. For one blessed hour today I felt and thought I would be ok, and I felt a little bit of peace for the first time since then. It was short lived but it was still nice. Gives me hope for the future.

I ended up getting to my family's house late today, mostly of my own design so I wouldn't have to spend as much time with them, it's still too raw, and I wanted to succeed in hiding my feelings from them. It's a horrible thing to say, but I can't share this with them, not right now, not while I'm a rollercoaster if emotions, not when I haven't even decided what I'm going to do about my situation(they would be 'helpful' and push me to press charges while starting to go through their own emotions. I just can't handle that right now.) *deep breath* my brother hugged me within seconds of me walking in through the door. It took me a second to realize that I wasn't creeped out by it. Uncomfortable and awkward and close to my newly developed personal space, but not creepy. I'm so glad. I wasn't expecting if up be that easy. I did keep most of them at an arm's length distance for most of the time, but I don't think they really noticed, I hope.

I'm really lucky this year, I won't have to spend too much time with them because everyone is going off to see extended family members (through marriage) in opposite directions. Just Xmas eve and day, and then I can go back to my own problems and call the numbers I was given at the hospital to start getting myself into counciling and maybe meet other people. I don't know, I'm kind of scared, but I know I need this. I just might end up being ok.

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Just had to share again, if I had a diary I'd be writing in that.

Just grabbed some last minute supplies for Xmas eve. Think I just had a panic attack at the store. There were so many people and too many men near me, I ended up hiding in a corner of the store where there weren't that many people and I could see anybody who tried to approach me. Eventually I calmed down some and collected myself long enough to be able to check out.

This place has been like a life line for me. A place to express myself and share my troubles.

I feel a little better now locked inside my car and posting this from my iPhone.

Thanks for listening. It's just so hard trying to pretend everything is ok.

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I have. :blush:

This is such an amazing place to be. It helps make me feel calm and not feel so alone. :)

(Even though there are those times where all the stories and accumulated hurt from here seems like just too much to read/bare and I need that 'quiet time' away from the boards.)

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This is also my first time on this site. Mostly I want to respond to your question about reporting your event or not to the police. Please report! I want to point out that reporting is not the same as pressing charges. If you report, it will give you some kind of support should it ever happen again and if you ever decided to press charges. I wish that I had known this when I was a teenager, but now I am doing my best to make sure others know.

I also wanted to say that I know how hard it is to address these issues near the holidays. I just told my mother a few days ago about things that happened almost 20 years ago and I am having to deal with it from many new angles. It is also very difficult for me because I just found out the state of Texas has a limitation on reporting child molestation and if I had told someone a few months ago I could have pressed charges. Be thankful that you have a supportive family.

I hope this helps.

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Kyzark,

Thank you for your information. I am so sorry that that happened to you. Nobody deserves this to be forced on them, especially not children.

However, I've been going over all my options thoroughly and reporting to the police is not in my best interest. While reporting and pressing charges may not be the same exact thing, once you DO report the incident what the police do with that report is up to them, not you, including if they want to press charges. It would not be me vs. him, it would be the state vs. him and I would be a 'witness.' To not have control over what happens in court and ultimately my life doesn't sit with me or make me feel empowered or strong or like I would have gained new support. I just don't like what options the legal system has offered me as a way to punish my attacker. It is my right to choose what happens next. And if that includes not going to the police, that is up to me.

On a brighter note I have reached out to a local non-profit that helps women in my situation and provides counseling. I'm suppose to start seeing a T in January once they figure out where I can be squeezed in to the schedule available. I have high hopes for my progress. I'm slowly starting to feel like I do have some control in my life. And right now that's what's most important to me.

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:hug: :hug: :hug:

Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Thank you so much for sharing.

Your bravery speaks volumes.

Found

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