Simple Yet Deadly

[timidone18]

I am new here but I just wanted to let some feelings out. I have not long ago started college and I find the need to just vent some. I hope noone minds. I have found that something very simple can be so very deadly. Silence. That is the one thing that has forever haunted me. When I am alone or even when I am with a group of people things just pop into my head and it never ends. That one akward moment of silence can send me from social to just depressed in a matter of seconds. Every day I try so hard to fill my head with good thoughts that will change the way I feel. So far it has been quite a task. My room mate is amazing!! Yet I still find myself wanting to curl up and cry in the silence when it is time to go to sleep. I just don't know how to make things better. Can I maybe get some tips? I have been writing. I draw sometimes. Here where I am at though. It is in the middle of nowhere. Nothing to do but run and maybe swim on occasion.

Thank you all for listening and I am sorry if that was just a mess. Just wrote what was in my head.

Timid

[downtrodden]

Hello and welcome to AS. You sound discouraged, and I wish you wouldn't. Though it is hard to talk about what brought you here, the healing process will begin once you do. I am still struggling, and my attack only happened a week ago, so I cannot tell you how to ride out the difficult times. I am still numb and partially in denial. However; everyone here has been so kind. You will feel safe and never feel judged when you share your feelings. I hope you will find friendship and solace here. Just ask for help when you need it, and amazingly enough....friends will arrive.

[timidone18]

I am mainly discouraged because I have been fighting this battle so long. Nothing seems to come out right. Nothing I do is right. I just feel like a big screw up.

What brought me here is sexual abuse ... I was abused over a period of 13 yrs by many different people. It had taken its tole on me for so long that now I just feel accustomed to it in a sense?? I think maybe I am just being silly. Sometimes I feel like the biggest kid in the world. Not really that it is my fault, but I just want to stay hidden from society. More or less bc of feeling dirty. I have been working on it for so long. I have read books, done workbooks, done counseling, write, draw, and many other things. I am just ready for a change and I dont see one coming soon.

... That disheartens me.

[greenduckie]

I'm sorry you're so disheartened.

I understand about silent split-seconds being so dangerous. I used to always feel that way. I slip back into it sometimes, but can usually manage to pull myself out in a few days or so. Here's some things that helped me cope with the silence--

I always keep a word, or phrase in my head. I tap it out with my toes or fingers. When ever there is a silent moment, it ends up being taken up mostly with the word I'm tapping out. Any word, my brain usually chooses it's own, I just make sure it's not a negative word.

If I still can't pull out of the silent moments, I give myself time to do something quietly, in silence. Not time to dwell on things, just time to be silent by myself without any intrusive thoughts coming in. If they do, I just try to let them flow through, and try not to react to them. I usually spend this time crocheting--I like the way counting my stitches keeps me focused, helps me to breathe evenly, and gives me a fair amount of brain-dead time.

Another thing I do is to tell myself, or my thoughts as they go through, that they don't own me, and they can just be off on their way. Silly, perhaps, but it works for me.

Hope you find something helpful!

[timidone18]

Thank you Duckie. I am trying to look up. Me and my room mate have TOTALLY different schedules. The only class we have together is band and then we go our separate ways again. Then one of us is left alone in the room. There is only so much laundry, tidying, and cleaning to be done and once that runs out I turn to here. A lot of the time I mess things up just so I can clean it back up again. My room mate is going to teach me how to crochet. Maybe that will help. I just have more drama than a soap opera going on in my life. Add college and trying to find a job and a few possibilities and ICK. I just want something GOOD to happen for a change. I mean really. Who in the world has worse luck than me? But then again that is not really fair of me to say ...

[greenduckie]

I mean really. Who in the world has worse luck than me? But then again that is not really fair of me to say ...

I dono, seems fair to me. Empathy for others and all that, but I think it's okay for us to focus on ourselves sometimes; I think we often need to learn to. After all, you are the only one feeling what you are feeling, so to you, it really is the worst possible.

[timidone18]

i just have always been told its not fair for me to complain about my situation when there is someone else out there that can be worse off than me. and its true. just sometimes i really want to let someon know how i feel ... that right now is just completely distant ..

[downtrodden]

We all handle discomfort differently. You should never compare yourself to others when it comes to dealing with "bad" things. I might handle something differently than you would, so it is hard to compare ones stress and coping skills. Try to make each day count if you can. In the beginning it might just be one thing that gets you through...and as time goes by, you can add other things that will begin to brighten the dark spaces. I know there are times when you want to give up...don't. Come here and try to talk and heal. We do care.

[sisterinsurvival]

Hi,

My name is Lynn, and I am a member of the New Member Support Team. I just wanted to take the time to say welcome back to After Silence.

I hope that you find comfort and support here. I am glad that you have joined with us and look forward to getting to know you. If you need anything or have questions about the boards or how something works, please send me a personal message. I will gladly help in any way possible...also if you need someone to listen, let me know.

Take care,

[timidone18]

thanks for the kind words. im having a rough time. i figure it will be this way for a while though. i dont know. i just take it a few secs at a time. cant even make a min yet. but im struggling on. but if he is found not guilty in court then im done. no more for me.

[whimsical1]

welcome to after silence.