Do I Even Belong Here?

[andrea512]

Hi everybody. I'm not sure if I belong here but I guess there's only one way to find out. I have never felt attracted to anyone male or female but I know that I am straight. I am 23 years old and have had a couple of relationships with guys but none were longer than 4 months. I have always avoided any kind of sexual contact and dread anything more than a quick peck. This has always bothered me and makes me feel so alone. I want to eventually have children and a complete family, but the act of getting there puts a pit in my stomach.

I have absolutely no recollection of being molested, but it sure feels like it. Up until two days ago I had been dating a guy that was perfect for me. The problem was that even thinking about being intimate with him caused anxiety for me. This whole situation has sent me into a nasty depression and I am so lost. I am seeing a therapist who said that it is very likely that I was molested at a very young age. I have absolutely no memory of anything happening and I asked my mom and my aunt and they are both clueless. Is there anyone else out there that has had the same experiences?

[Wishy]

Hiya, you're very welcome here I did go through something similar with the whole not remembering what happened as a young child, you're not alone

[NiciCool]

Hello, and welcome to AS!

You are definitely not alone - I didn't remember anything that happened to me until a few years ago, and I've only remembered some of the things from my childhood in the past year or so.

I think there are many survivors, especially those that went through SA as a young child, that have experienced not being able to remember what happened to them. I think it's been hypothesized that it's a coping mechanism so we don't have to deal with something until we are able to handle it.

I hope you will find healing here! We are here to help you however we can.

- Nici

[sarka]

I am here mainly for things that happened later in life but I always wonder if I had experiences that I don't remember at a really young age, because I was sexually very messed up already by 3 or so. It's a frustrating feeling not knowing... it may not be possible to ever know for sure.

[sarka]

Oh, another thought... although I'll never know what happened in my childhood, I have talked to my therapist about a lot of things in my childhood that I probably subconsciously interpreted as sexual even if possibly they weren't, like how my mother kept following me into the bathroom long after I was toilet trained and harassing me to go to the bathroom more often than I wanted to (this behavior is sufficiently weird when I think about it that I don't even know if she perceived this as sexual or not!), and it's my therapist's opinion that those kinds of experiences may have been enough to cause me to have serious issues with sexuality... I have also had friends who experienced child sexual abuse they remembered perfectly well, but didn't involve the adult exposing themselves or touching them in obviously sexual places so it wasn't until adulthood and they started having sexual experiences that they realized those childhood experiences had a sexual component to them. So perhaps keep an open mind about what is at the root of yours.

[whitedove]

Hi there,

There are numerous threads on not remembering abuse incidences, and remembering them years later.

Welcome to AS

Whitedove.

[whimsical1]

welcome to as.

[~FOUND~]

Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

I hope you fidn this site to be helpful.

Found

[andrea512]

Thanks, y'all. I can't even tell you how alone I've been feeling lately. I can't remember much about my childhood before the age of 6 or 7. I do know, however, that I masturbated a lot, several times a day. This is what made my therapist more convinced that perhaps something did happen to me early on. I am so scared that I won't be able to get over any issues if I don't even know what actually happened.

[xXButterflyXx]

Welcome to AS I have same problem I dont remember much when I was 3-4 yr old I remember I was always scared of sex since I was 5 and was so unhappy I have no memories of being abused either I know its so hard!

[flowergirl]

Welcome to AS I have had questions about whether I should be on this site for the same sort of reasons as you. xxx

[~FOUND~]

I hope you are finding your way around the boards ok.

Found

[sisterinsurvival]

Hi andrea,

My name is Lynn, and I am a member of the New Member Support Team. I just wanted to take the time to say welcome back to After Silence.

I hope that you find comfort and support here. I am glad that you have joined with us and look forward to getting to know you. If you need anything or have questions about the boards or how something works, please send me a personal message. I will gladly help in any way possible...also if you need someone to listen, let me know.

Take care,

[Guest LovesLoss]

welcome to AS!

I hope you find the help and healing you deserve here

Take care

Loves