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Anyone Else Coming Off Anti-depressants?

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Hey everyone, it's been quite a long time since I've been on here. I've been trying to repress all the memories and coming on here doesn't really help that, but I've been thinking about it a lot recently and I feel so lonely because I have no one to talk to and my boyfriend broke up with me a couple of weeks ago, so I truly am alone :(

I've been on a strong dose of anti-depressants for nearly a year (since I was r****) and they have helped me block out all of my feelings and emotions. I decided a few months ago, after a failed suicide attempt, that I wanted to come off the medication because I was fed up with feeling so numb and emotionless all the time. After seeing a psychiatrist, I've been reducing my dose slowly for the last six weeks and on Monday I will have my last dose. I started getting quite bad physical withdrawal symptoms when I first started reducing, but now the physical effects aren't so bad. It's the emotional effects that I am finding increasingly difficult to deal with. I've gone from feeling completely numb to being a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute I'm happy, the next furious, and then I'd start balling my eyes out. This has been going on for weeks and I can't deal with it anymore. Even my family are starting to get annoyed with me because they never know what mood I'm going to be in, as it's up and down so many times a day.

While I was on the medication (on the strong dose), I blocked out EVERYTHING to do with my r***. Even though I messed up my life - dropped out of university and tried to kill myself - I wasn't capable of dealing with it mentally because the anti-depressants prevented me from it. My nan passed away in January, and at that time I was also unable to grieve for her death because I was so emotionally drained. But now that I have started to feel again, my emotions are all over the place and all the feelings I have been repressing for the last year are all coming back at once. I am grieving for my nan's death now and I am dealing with it alone because my family dealt with it months ago. I am thinking about everything I repressed after I was r**** and I can't stop thinking about it as if it just happened yesterday. The reality of when I tried to take my own life and ended up in hospital is also sinking in. At that time, it felt like a sense of euphoria and the fact that I had tried to kill myself didn't feel real at the time. Now, all my emotions are intensified. If I had known it was going to be like this, I would have stayed on my medication. I'd rather be feeling numb and void of emotions than like a rollercoaster about to crash.

I thought I would be able to handle all these extra emotions because my ex boyfriend who I had been seeing for a few months said he would be there for me to help me through coming off medication. He dumped me (over text) two weeks ago because he said he couldn't deal with it anymore, so now I'm dealing with heartbreak as well as everything else. I feel so lonely. He was my rock for two months and I put all my trust in him, after thinking I'd never be able to trust another man again. Now he's left me and cut me out of his life for good. I just wish I had a friend who understood what I was going through.

I've been seeing a therapist on and off for a few months (I've only had three sessions) and my psychiatrist suggested I continue seeing her whilst I am withdrawing from my medication to help me deal with the emotions. Unfortunately I missed my last appointment and now I just can't bring myself to call and arrange another one. I know I should because I really need to talk to someone about the way I am feeling, but it's been so long that I just don't know how to. I'm also worried about the way I am feeling because when I attempted to end my life I suddenly stopped taking my medication for a short period. Now I am worried about what could happen once I am completely off my medication in four days time, especially as I have recently been preoccupied with unwanted thoughts.

I'm sorry for ranting on, I just needed to let this all out as it's driving me insane bottling it all up. I just wondered if any of you guys have been through the same thing when coming off medication, and if so how did you deal with it?

Thank you for taking time out to read this.

Much love,

Ash x

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Dear Ash,

I was on anti-depressants for a while (not related to the rape but to other events in my life), and I remember feeling that they deadened all feeling, good and bad. I couldn't feel joy nor anguish. When I came off the meds, I remember feeling as you feel, but not as much of a roller-coaster as you describe. Anger, tears, laughter, yeah. I took a while to stabilize, and I can`t tell how long it took, but one day I realized I was on an even keel again. I saw a psychologist/therapist for a while and that helped me put certain things in perspective.

Please be kind to yourself. Good luck. I`m new here and I hope someone comes along who has better words with which to help you.

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Thank you so much for taking the tine out to read and reply to me, DeepBlues. I really appreciate it. Welcome to After Silence.

I decided to call my therapist yesterday to arrange another appointment. I've got one in two weeks, so I guess I'll wait for that and try to control my emotions as much as I can in the meantime. I'm seeing my psychiatrist next month so she can assess how I am doing without the medication. I hope she doesn't try to persuade me to go back on the anti-depressants because although it really sucks feeling like this, I guess at least I'm not emotionally numb and can feel something.

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My wife of 13 years got off anitdepr. after being on them for 7 years. She has been a mentle mess especially the first few months. Her mood swings now drinking very much. SHe just told me she will go to counceling next week but its for money problems in her mind.Of course there is the molestation tht seems to override everything which I know her well enough to know she is trying to self medicate herself. Whatever you do keep going to counceling as my wife has not been long term to get anything out of it.

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