Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Setrain

Why Do I Seek Out Triggers?

29 posts in this topic

Omg! I am so relieved to hear that You and others do this as well! I really thought there was something really wrong with me for doing that!

I wish I could understand why we do that...

Maybe it's because triggering makes us cry (does for me anyway) and sometimes thats exactly what we need, just to cry and scream and remember and get it off our chests!

And sometimes it just feels like you need to tell people everything just to get it out, and to here someone say they care and it's going to be ok (even though I often get mad when people say that because I feel like they don't understand what it feels like to be sooo hurt...)

I think triggering ourselves on purpose must be just a way of getting all that built up pain and tears out when we start to feel overwhelmed or even when we start to feel numb... thats another reason I do it. I feel so numb sometimes it seems like I need to feel something, anything, even if its the most painful thing, just to know I still feel something....

"Pain- Id rather pain than nothing at all..."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Honestly, so much stuff triggers..ha..hard to avoid it. I try to avoid something triggering. After time has passed, I revisit that trigger to see if it is still potent. I found out the other day black snake moan actually bored me. Trigger free now. I dont think I can ever watch book of eli. Couldnt finish it the first time. Crash I really hate but I can watch it...crying of course. I've not decided if seeking it healthy or tortorous.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I felt an awful lot like you describe right after my rape. It lasted for a while. I think I thought that if I could see triggering things or things that should be triggering, and finally DIDN'T react, that I would be healed. I really wanted verification about being ok, because I desperately wanted to be ok but never felt ok.

I also never got the reaction I was looking for in people. I was guarded in who I told, and was really annoyed that nobody offered the response that would make me say, "Ah, finally, some clarity! Now I understand! Now I'm ok. Now I'm healed and can move on."

I know I prayed for the day that I would FORGET any of this had happened. I wondered if I'd ever forget. Initially, I had severely intruding thoughts, that seemed to be there, every day, all the time, and got in the way of me getting anything done, because nothing else could enter my head. The thoughts were 100% intrusive, and I found I had to fully IMMERSE myself in whatever it was that I was doing, to concentrate SUPER hard, and TRY to push the thoughts out. Sometimes the thoughts were so intrusive that I could not read a word. I distinctly remember I was in a hallway, and told to go to the hallway labeled NORTH. I entered. I saw 2 signs: one read NORTH, and the other read SOUTH. I could see the letters but I didn't know what the words meant and didn't know which way to go. So, I just waited and hoped to find someone I recognized, and follow which ever way they went.

It got WAAAAAAAAAAY better with time. LOTS of time. Nowadays I don't expect to ever forget, but the intrusive thoughts have gone. I guess I've accepted I'll have some triggers sometimes, but I tell myself I'm human, and 90% of the time, I'm really ok. But during those initial days, I was really NOT ok and NOT doing well, and it was about 100% or 99.9% of the time.

And I must say, I'm so glad you posted this, because this very issue has been bothering me, and just when I think I'm the only whose actively sought out a trigger, I realize, why I might have, and I realize that others have done the same thing. It's very healing to hear that others have experienced similar things.

I hope you find your answer. Things do get better with time. I know "better" isn't a definitive or measurable word. I used to want to know exactly to what degree or quantity would things get better, and HOW MUCH time would it take. I wanted an algorithm that said, "S.A. occures + X amount of time passes = 100% normal. There is no such equation. It all seems to happen on a bell curve with a lot of gray areas.

I wish you the best and hope you have some peace.

--321

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0