What This Rape?

[kitty]

I want ask advice about what happened to me a couple of weeks ago....

I am American but I am now living overseas actaully as a volunteer. I am helping a foreign community with religion things. Anyway, I caming here to *********, in March and stayed on one of the islands for month and then went to help in the Counrty's capital. I really like it here. The people are very warm and welcoming.Well the local religious leader of the community I serve, Has a cousin living with him. When I came here I just wanted to serve the community. I was not planning on any relationships. This cousin acted interested in me. We had many conversations about our ideas and dream, and stuff. I found myself liking this cousin and I thought he liked me.

One night he walk me home and up to the apartment I am stay at. When we got to my room. I wanted to just give him a kiss. Thats it.

But he wanted more, I said no.

He did not stop. I said no. again. still he did not stop. I even pulled away from him.

he said ok. and stop for a second or 2.

Then he started again. This time he did not let me go or let me move away.

He said he want to put his thing in me for a second, I said not... no I am waiting for marriage. He did not stop until he was finished. I was scared I did not know what think. or what say.

He did not hit me or push me. He did not even pentrate me.

I was so upset after. all i remember is him saying do you want me to leave?

i said yes..go. I took a shower . I was shocked. I did not know what happen?

I cried myself to sleep.

the next day I saw him and text me. I went into some kind of denial thing. And reasoned in my mind that what happen was a misunderstanding, that he loves me.

The Mind can be weird at times. Then two days later he walk me home again.

The same thing happened again, I say no a couple of times but he went on as if he was deaf, this time I did not try to get away.

Now this happened the last week of April. And the guy did not do anything else after that to me. we went on a date or two since then.

But about one week ago I was alone, I started to think about what happen those two nights. In that solitude, I began to think and get angry, I started to cry when I thought about it. I ask to friends in the US what they thought.

They said it sounds like Date Rape.

Now I think it was. but still not sure. Becuase like I said I have no physical bruises.

but the guilt and shame especially on how i reacted with thinking he loves me.

And since I am somewhere that does not seem to have any women crisis center. I am at loss at what i could do. I know i am not pregant, i got my period two days ago. but i have not checked for stds. i nervous about how to do that since working with religion. I also avoided the guy.

I should also say I have been sexually assualted before but this was the first time a man put his penis in me.

I do not know what to do.

What else can I do? and was it Rape?

please any advice is welcomed.

[Guest Little Miss Happy]

Kitty

It was rape, because you said NO and you did not want it and he did not stop when you asked him.

sometimes people falsely think that rape always involves violence, as in pushing, punching and bruises etc.... it however, doesn't always involve violence at all.

I was raped and no violence was involved, and for a while i struggled with teh whole question of was it Rape or not... i now know it was because i said NO and he didn't stop. - anyway enough of me!

i really don't have much advice really - sorry!

if there is no women crisis centre near you, could you maybe see a doctor to get checked out for STD's or a family planning centre? and they may have information for you about counselling if you felt that would be beneficial to you.

I am sorry this happned to you

Take care

Dawn

[Donna]

(((((Kitty)))))

But he wanted more, I said no.

He did not stop. I said no. again. still he did not stop.

Enough said hun, you said no and he didn't listen, so yes that is considered rape.

I'm sorry that you need to go through this, but please keep with you that all the thoughts, emotions, feelings that you are having at this time is heard by all of us here. You're not alone. :hug:

((((safe hugs))))

Donna =)

[_Still_Here_]

I don't really know any advice. Yes, it was rape. Rape doesn't have to be the brutal steretype. You said no. He did something that was against your will without your consent. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. It's not your fault.

~*Tori*~

[CJ]

Im sorry babes it sounds like rape to me too. You said no and told him you didnt want it, its your body and you decide what happens to it. Im so sorry you had to go through this

[Heavensent]

Hi Kitty,

It was rape. It is hard for us to give advice because we don't know where you are, and what the culture is like. But we do know that it was rape, because you did not want it to happen, and you said no. Just because you were having feelings for him does not mean that you wanted to have a sexual relationship. We have the right to want affection without wanting or being ready for sexual intercourse.

Sometimes we get confused as to wether it is rape or not, because we like or love the person. and we have been seduced to a point where we can be taken advantage of. They have been nice until they got into your house, or you into their house, or into the car in a secluded spot. It was not your fault. You have a right to be hurt, angry, and confused.

This is a good place to be. I'M glad you found this place. The people here are very supportive, and we understand. You are not alone.

[tired]

hey. you've found a safe place to talk and let some of your feelings out. i know this is hard to hear, but like everyone has said so far.........you said no and weren't listened to and it was r*pe. i'm sorry you're dealing with this and in a foreign country. the only advice i have is to stay away from this man and not be alone with him. what he did is not ok. stay safe.

[FadeToBlack]

((((Kitty)))) Hey, hon... as other people have said, I think it's safe to say that it was r*pe. I wish you didn't even have a reason to consider whether it was or not... I'm so sorry it happened to you. You said no a number of times and he didn't listen... that doesn't make it your fault. ((Safe hugs)) Take care, sweetheart... I'm here if you need anything.

Love,

Sarah

[kitty]

Thank you for your support and clarification. It is hard situation to be in. I am so far from home. I do not want to tell my family yet in America. and since I am a missionary, I got to be careful of scandal. I did not want to say where I am before becuase of that. Although now, I think it is safe to say. I am in Southeast Asia. Although this country is very "Americanized" in the Rage Against the Machine sense of the word. It still has a way to go in how to respect women, I think.

It has been America's political allie in asia for awhile.

I want to stay and help the people of the country. but if I tell the church leaders they may send me home. not out of punishment but becuase they may think it will affect my work.

And It has affect me abit but my work has also help me to move on. I tried to look on the web for women groups here, I found some but each one I called was out of service.

Then my friend whom I told what happen, sent me any email with this website so i decided to try it. This is my first time to post online. Everyone is so nice.

I need this. Thank you again.

The guy has told me he loves me but I am avoiding him. I am following the advice you gave. Plus I am so angry with him. I punched my bed a couple of times. it felt good. I've purchase a Tori Amos cd her last since in this country it is hard to find some artists. I was surprized to find it. I left most of my cds at home, not much could fit in one suit case. I really like her.even b4 this happened to me. I had other things happen to me in the past that I could really relate to her music.

Also I found a yoga dvd to help with stress and depression. instead of drinking.

i've been reading different websites on this subject.

I'm still welcoming any advice.

thank you.

[Charlene]

(((((((kitty)))))))

all the others have said what i was going to say sweetie, so i'm just adding my support, im always here if you need to talk :hug:

~charlene~

[Kim]

Kitty,

Wow, you are so strong to want to stay and help even after what you have been through. I can't imagine how dificult this must be for you, but I'm sure you must feel so torn at times between telling what happened and being able to stay and do what you obviously love.

We are here to support you so lean on us during this dificult time.

Kim