sleepysheep

Did You Regret Reporting It? Where You Glad?

81 posts in this topic

I'm considering reporting what happened to me and I'm wondering what others experiences have been. For me it was acquaintance rape, occured in a state where i was only visiting, and I'm really on the fence about reporting it. If I could find out he's been investigated for it before, or charged with it before I would be totally happy to report it. And part of me thinks it would be a good idea just to report it, so if it happened to anyone else later they could have the information.

However, i still feel a lot of guilt about what happened and like it was partially my fault so it's difficult for me to consider reporting. i don't want to ruin his life... but it also doesn't seem right that i have to deal with this everyday and he just gets to live his life like nothing happened.

So. what about your experience? Are you glad you reported it? was it worth it? do you regret it? I would love to hear your story and hear your advice.

thanks!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I regret every move I ever made to report it. The police and CID said I was lying and closed my case, even with the evidence I had they said that the person claimed they didn't know me and that there was no witnesses.

They closed the case after a month or so. Done, gone. 4 years down the line and I regret having put myself through 48 hours of questioning for nothing... not to forget the threats they made against me...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Reporting was horrible. I can't imagine any situation which would be more degrading or humiliating, although I know it is not that way for everybody. I do believe it seems to take at least three complaints in my state for the police to take any action, so putting something on record might help someone else. You just have to be willing to be treated like garbage for that. I don't know if it is worth it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi!

I reported him, it was'nt easy, but I do not regret doing it. I would have regret not doing anything.

Because I spoke, because the society now knows what he has done, and because he had to face it too, in front of the police, of the judicial T, in front of the court.

even though, the trial was horrible (as I posted it here) I do not regret. I'm still waiting for the appeal, my last chance to justice, to be recognized as a victim, to maybe make him and her understand what he did, what she did not did, and to finally turn the page, and begin a new chapter.

For me reporting him is very important. But it was not easy, not easy at all, but still I feel that way.

Tc

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It was truly horrific, but I don't regret it. It made me a better and stronger person.

The police in my case were incredibly supportive and I felt that they would fight for me. There was no conviction and the court case and excuses used kinda became laughable to be honest, but I still believe I made the correct decision

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i regret but i dont regret!

it has hurt my brothers alot but i have a little neice and if i wouldnt have reported it would he have done it to her?

me and my brothers arent as close as we use to be well really we barely talk we only talk because of my son..but thats fine with me because im no longer being hurt and i kno my neice and other young family members are safe!

it really is a hard decision to make but its better to try and possibly save someone else from getting hurt then not try at all and just let it go on and show him its ok to do what he's doing/did!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi

I completely understand what your going through, and its so good to hear your view's, as i'm thinking about reporting too, and not sure for much the same reasons, am i strong enough? will it ruin my relationship (which is already hanging by a thread) with my close friends and brother? What if he tries to confront me? and do i want to ruin his life....... i've been thinking about this alot, and half of me thinks, its ruining me, everyday is a real struggle and i often wonder if i'll ever feel like me again, so he has and is ruining me and damaged the relationships with my friends, so he should face what he's done! and in my case it was an ex boyfriend of mine, who took advantage when i was drunk and extremely low. the response i got from some people was that they knew guys who would of done the same thing, it was my fault etc. so i want to stand up and show people that what he did was wrong! and no one has the right to do what he did, so he should be punished and have to face up to his actions, even if it is just a slap on the wrist? BUT then theirs the part of me, that just wants to stick my fingers in my ears and shout la la la, then put my head in the sand, maybe it will go away?

Its a huge discussion to make.

But you do have other options, although i don't know how its done in the US ( I'm in the UK)

here i found this unit, where you can go and talk off the record with the police (no details) about the process and how the 'system' works, what will happen etc. you can also give his name and the crime and have them put it on file, he wont be arrested or notified unless you want to go in and do a formal detailed interview. BUT if when they put his name into the system and it pops up he has pervious, then they contact you and ask if your willing to make a formal interview.

Good luck with what ever you choose to do :luck:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

in my situation if I had not reported it then he was going to continue raping me, and I feared for my life. I felt I had no alternative. But it took 2 years for a conviction and there was alot of intimidation from his family and friends, making a complaint and the bail hearings, deposition hearings, giving evidence, the sentencing was all so gruelling and then the parole hearings which were very difficult. Even when there is a conviction, victims are never treated the way they should be by the court system. I am not trying to scare you, I just want you to be aware of the process.

But because I reported him, I have not been raped by him since. The scars will never go away but I am still alive..... living in the aftermath, sometimes I regret reporting and think death would have been preferable but other times I don't. I am hoping that as time goes on I will feel better and better about having reported it.

hope that helps.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Reporting varies so much in each individual experience. I guess it's worth remembering that you can expect to be treated with dignity and given support at the time of reporting, anything less and somebody isn't doing their job?

I was lucky, I did have a supportive liaison officer who took the time to show up and feedback etc. I also had a supportive husband, who I shut out and wouldn't let near. In many respects the fight to protect him from hearing what had happened was bigger and harder than the reporting itself?

I think the most challenging part for me was damage done to relationships. A few friendships took a hit for a while (because they were involved in the court hearing), and a comment to the effect that I didn't do enough in court to ensure a conviction (from somebody who wasn't there incidentally!) came as a blow. With hindsight the best place to put such a remark is where it belongs...in the ignorant box...but as you know humans can be funny things, we don't always apply common sense :hammer: and I subsequently internalised the remark and held myself entirely to blame for a not guilty verdict for a long time afterwards. (Truth is that maybe I was having that niggle in the first place?).

With time I've come to put the whole court process in it's place, equally I've come to understand the responses of friends, and those around at the time. I recognise that the not guilty verdict doesnt translate to 'we a whole jury think you are a liar' but rather 'we a jury haven't been presented with enough evidence to remove ALL reasonable doubt'. I don't kid myself and pretend that maybe they secretly wanted to convict lol, but equally I understand that it was a legal process and I wasn't being judged. It's difficult to step away from it though and not take the whole thing personally and I occasionally find myself reverting to old patterns of thinking. I'm not without moments when I might beat myself up about it, but equally in those moments I can beat myself up about just about anything, so hardly a yardstick to judge by? Generally I have a clearer perspective on the process and can now see it rationally. I did what I needed to do at the time, and I handled it the only way that I could at the time. Regardless of the outcome, and the headache it brought me, it was the right thing to do at the time and I don't regret it.

Hindsight is cruel, and the reporting process isn't the piece of cake we need it to be at the time. I don't know if I would report again with the benefit of hindsight but I am aware that my viewpoint is a little distorted by virtue of having had the experience. This probably makes it hard for anybody who has been through the process to be entirely positive about it? Would I encourage somebody else to report? Probably every time.

Is there a counsellor / therapist you could talk through your options with?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I absolutely regret reporting it.

If the end result had been different, I think it might have been the gray cloud with a satisfactory ending as the silver lining. But as that was not the case, as I was not believed, I regret it.

Sadly, I think my bigger regret is that I allowed my trauma and the ignorance of the police to keep me from insisting on pushing forward.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I absolutely regret reporting it.

If the end result had been different, I think it might have been the gray cloud with a satisfactory ending as the silver lining. But as that was not the case, as I was not believed, I regret it.

Sadly, I think my bigger regret is that I allowed my trauma and the ignorance of the police to keep me from insisting on pushing forward.

I wouldn't blame yourself here. I was filing complaints in three counties and it didn't do any good. Apparently, if you are female, it is perfectly reasonable to believe that you would want to wake up bleeding with permanent injuries and no idea what happened to you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it really depends on the person (or people) taking your report. It sounds like almost everyone that have already answered on this thread have had bad experiences reporting. Trust me when I say, reporting it is difficult enough as it is (many say it's just as bad, or worse, than the actual assault(s)). Add on top of that someone that has little- to no-compassion, or isn't experienced enough, or is too stupid to take a report like this, and that difficulty is magnified.

Ultimately, reporting what happened to you is up to you. It may help with the healing, or it may hurt the healing more than it'd help. If I may, I'd like to give a couple tips about reporting, should you end up going through with it.

First, get a T if you don't already have one. Talk to them about reporting. Make sure you have a good support system to fall back on, in case reporting is harder and more triggering than you thought.

Second, take a trusting, helpful, SUPPORTIVE friend with you (or your T, if they're up for it) when you report. Let them know that you may need to cry into their shoulder afterwards, and make sure that they're ok with that. They don't need to be in the room with you when you report, if you don't want them to be (if they are in the room, make sure they know to not interrupt you and that they are there to support you, not make the report themselves).

Third, give yourself time afterwards to gather your thoughts. If that means crying into your friend's/Ts shoulder, go ahead. If that means going home/to a friends house and watching a movie with a quart of Haagen Daaz, go ahead (as long as it's safe).

Fourth, make sure to keep checking in with your support system.

P.S. I just realized I never answered the original question. I kinda reported twice. The first time was with the police department in the town where the abuse occured. Went horribly. So bad that I was on the verge of having rivers of tears running down my face. I'm pretty sure the detective "lost" the file before I was even out the door. The second time, I had to go in and speak with two Victim Witness Compensation program investigators. (I had applied for Victim Witness Compensation to get my counseling paid for...in order to get it, there had to be a police report on file and they couldn't find it...not sure if it was because the report was made in a different county, or if the detective really did loose the report...essentially, I had to report it again) One of the two investigators asked all the questions and was very gentle/courteous with the questions. They stopped when I became too overwhelmed, resumed after I calmed down (we even talked about other things to help calm me down). The second investigator just sat there, in silence, taking notes. That time, even though it wasn't easy, went a LOT better than I had anticipated.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I reported the rape and incest from my grandfather from the ages of 5 to 16 in 2008. I was 20 and he was finally convicted and sentenced in December of 2009 to three life terms and 125 yrs in prison. The trial was hell but I don't regret it. I saved my little cousins life and got two of my other cousins back who had been hiding because the same things had happened to them. Though none of them where abused to the level I was.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I regret NOT pressing charges. Jason hurt me so badly for a year and a half. I may not be able to have children. And he just got to go on with his life. He is a sociopath. He will hurt someone else. And i have to live with that for the rest of my life.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am relieved and full of regret.

I carried my secret for 10 years and would have quite happily taken it to the grave but my abuser tried to do the same thing to my niece and that's how it all came out.

I'm glad the truth is out, I wish I had said something earlier yet at the same time I wish it was still a secret.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I regret NOT pressing charges. Jason hurt me so badly for a year and a half. I may not be able to have children. And he just got to go on with his life. He is a sociopath. He will hurt someone else. And i have to live with that for the rest of my life.

I don't know if I can have kids either because of the things that happened to me. Of everything I have had to deal with that hurts the most.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Speaking of kids this is my worst fear and I really need to see the doctor...

Whilst my abuser was never able to have full penetration (oh but he tried) he did 'other things' and I cannot conceive. I'm 21, been trying for over a year, healthy, have regular periods etc. and nothing. I track my ovulation so I know the best times and I just don't understand what's wrong.

I'm meant to have a smear but I'm terrified to go in case he did something to me :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Speaking of kids this is my worst fear and I really need to see the doctor...

Whilst my abuser was never able to have full penetration (oh but he tried) he did 'other things' and I cannot conceive. I'm 21, been trying for over a year, healthy, have regular periods etc. and nothing. I track my ovulation so I know the best times and I just don't understand what's wrong.

I'm meant to have a smear but I'm terrified to go in case he did something to me :(

I wouldn't go to the doctor for the longest time as a teen because I thought Someone could tell if I had been. Like if there were scars or whatever. When i reported I had to go, but the Dr. I went to was amazingly kind. I still don't know if I can have kids, an I know there is a test, but I too am so scared to find out what might have also been stolen from me. I've lost so much, but that would be a final deadly straw for me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Speaking of kids this is my worst fear and I really need to see the doctor...

Whilst my abuser was never able to have full penetration (oh but he tried) he did 'other things' and I cannot conceive. I'm 21, been trying for over a year, healthy, have regular periods etc. and nothing. I track my ovulation so I know the best times and I just don't understand what's wrong.

I'm meant to have a smear but I'm terrified to go in case he did something to me :(

I was scared about that two. But when the truth about Jason came out to my friends, they beat him within an inch of his life. Then my friend sort of dragged me to a hospital to get checked out. They have special nurses there to deal with "our issues" so they know how to deal with it. I went in a special section that was quiet and they were really sweet. They had to keep taking breaks because I kept curling into a ball to cry. And they were so kind. They would just shrink back into the shadows and wait until I was ready. When they had to do the hard parts they were really slow and careful. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do but it was worth it. They caught the chlamydia early and set some of the broken bones. And they had to put a few stitches inside because of the tearing. But atleast it was over

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Long post, I apologize.

SleepySheep-

"However, i still feel a lot of guilt about what happened and like it was partially my fault so it's difficult for me to consider reporting. i don't want to ruin his life... but it also doesn't seem right that i have to deal with this everyday and he just gets to live his life like nothing happened."

You've hit the nail on the head here for me. The abuser that I want to report (a church youth group leader) is a nurse and has two kids (his daughter is my age then). I don't want to ruin his life, but I don't want other people to go through what I did. I have no evidence (it happened five years ago or so) so he would not be convicted of anything.

He should be punished I suppose, but not necessarily with the loss of his career and family. Ideally, I'd like for a report to be on file, so that if anyone else were to report it it would be backed up somewhat-- but would that even be possible (there is no statute of limitations in my state) without solid "evidence" or without a ton of drama?

Also, none of my family members know, so is there a way I could do it without their knowledge (I'm 19, but home for the summer)?

Sorry this ended up being so long, I guess I have a lot of questions myself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm considering reporting mine, er the most recent attack. He has a record.. not a stranger with the authorities. I never thought I'd be around anyone like that. Eh. I have no evidence to support my claim. Not sure if it'll get anywhere, but I need closure.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

our case is a little bit different.

Right now I know for sure we did the right thing. We did the only thing we could do aside from sweeping it under the rug. But at the same time I feel awful that we has his mom and step-dad had to do it! I feel like he'll hate me forever!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Some day I regret it... if only because I am scared of what the future holds... my mother is standing by my abuser... I do not know if we will get a conviction... but in the end I know that I have gained so much more from reporting... I was isolated from my family before, but know I have them all back in my life. My case is one of the fortunate ones... I have a large support system, friends, family, and a wonderful husband... and the people I am working with in the legal system are very confident and supportive. I have not gone to trial yet, that is next week. While I am very scared, I know that no matter what happens I at least tried. That is what it came down to for me... if I did not report would he hurt one of his students? Would he steal away my own children's innocence? Would he come after me again someday? I was scared that he would hurt someone else, and I knew no matter how much it hurt me to report and lose my mom, I could not live with myself if some other child had to go through what I am going through.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was also dealing with acquaintance rape. Although it got labeled as Dating violence at the restraining order hearing. I didn't think it was romantic at all but I guess it looks like a date.I can honestly tell you, I DO NOT REGRET REPORTING IT TO THE POLICE! BUT I DIDN'T END UP GOING TO TRIAL. I WENT FOR A RESTRAINING ORDER INSTEAD FOR A LESS TRAUMATIC APPROACH SO HE NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN OR BE TOO SCARED TO SINCE I TOOK HIM TO COURT. I didn't get that either due to the fact he stayed away for a bit and I told the judge I had forgiven him for doing this to me a few years before this time! Big mistake for the record!They don't let you say much either since they just want to know if he'll come back and harm you or stay away. You have to say the right things in order to convince the judge you need protection. I just wanted him to stay away after ruining my life as much as he did.The judge could tell he had done something wrong to me so she did tell him to stay away or he'll end up deported. That's the most I could do since I wasn't going to a rape trial.My therapist knows I reported it before seeing her, but she felt that more damage would be done in my situation if I proceed to a rape trial for date rape. She felt that my situation would be turned against me by prosecution even if the defense or psychologist can prove otherwise.

The police told me after questioning that it may come out as "insufficient evidence" due to the lack of it, plus I let my abuser control me for a few days and rape me repeatedly. Then I was submissive and I let him do what he wanted since I wasn't sure if I was pregnant. If I was, I was going to marry him for the sake of the baby. I felt I allowed this to happen so I should deal with the consequences.I didn't know that I had other options and something could be done so I figured this was the only way to make it right. If I had known a little earlier that I should tell and something could be done, I WOULD DEFINITELY GO TO TRIAL! But I feel like the best thing you can do is AT LEAST report it to the police and see what happens after that!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It was definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. I had fantastic support from the Uni student support service whilst giving my initial statement and the female police officer involved was amazing! I owe her my life. She was so supportive, so understanding and kept me well informed the whole way through. The male police surgeon was a horrendous experience (see stupidest things said by therapists thread). The court case was also so unbelievably challenging, as was being there for the verdict. I'm glad I got through it. Not sure I could have lived with myself if I didn't.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now