Hi There

[Jetliner]

Hey all,

Just looking for a type of support group thing for a dear friend of mine who's dealt with this issue. She's not comfortable in a face to face situation right now but, I was hoping that maybe if we could find something online; a place where she could hear the stories of others who have been where she is that just maybe, she wouldn't feel so alone in this; that she would be encouraged; that she might find hope and really believe that things can change I love her to pieces but, I just can't fully understand what it's like for her and therefore, the kind of support I can offer is limited.

So, don't mind me, I'll just poke around here a bit and see if this place looks safe for her. Sorry if that sounded harsh or whatever but, she's like a sister to me and, I need to protect her. I just can't bear the thought of her getting hurt anymore than she has been already. Guess that's about it.

~John

Edited March 6, 2010 by Jetliner

[whimsical1]

hello john, and welcome to as. we will welcome your friend with open arms if she decides to join.

[~FOUND~]

Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Found

[Jetliner]

Thank you both. I already have (found the site helpful). Found some great stuff in the, "Secondary Survivors area too.

[~FOUND~]

Good for you hun.

Sounds like you are getting around ok.

Glad you found a safe, helpful place here.

Found

[Becky]

Hi John,

You sound like an amazing friend.

Welcome to After Silence

[sisterinsurvival]

Hi John,

My name is Lynn, and I am a member of the New Member Support Team. I just wanted to take the time to say welcome to After Silence.

I hope that you find comfort and support here, and that eventually your friend will, as well. I know that I have found the strength to face another day many times through the words and presence of those dear ones who make this site a true "community." I am glad that you have joined with us and look forward to getting to know you. If you need anything or have questions about the boards or how something works, please send me a personal message. I will gladly help in any way possible.

Take care,

Your Sister in Survival,

Lynn

[KatetheGreat]

Hi John. I hope you find this site to be satisfactory, I know i did. I'd encourage you to stick around, whether your friend decides to join or not. I know a lot of secondaries have gotten some great help from here, and have been better able to aid their survivors. And you can also find support. Just because the trauma didn't directly happen to you doesn't mean you don't need help either. Being a secondary is a very tough job.

Anyway, good luck with all your searching.

[Finiece]

You are a wonderful friend and wish I had ones like you. AS is a great place for you're friend, she won't be hurt here.

Finiece

[Jetliner]

Thank you all so much. It's always nice to feel welcome. And yes, I will stick around whether she joins or not because, I can use all the help I can get too!

It's a little weird; we actually met online through another internet forum; a more generic, all encompassing type of, "help" site. From there, we went to chat and now, from time to time talk on the phone. We live in different parts of the country which makes it difficult sometimes; maybe more than she knows. So many times, I've read her words on the screen and wished I could drive over to her house with a pizza and just be there with her; so she doesn't have to be alone, you know? Maybe it's silly but, it's how I feel. She seems so isolated; so cut off sometimes. And it's hard to reach out when things get that way - believe me, that's something I DO know about. So anything that can help her feel less alone; anything that can help her see the truth, that she IS a wonderful person and just as worthy of love as anyone else; that she IS loved; that's all I'm trying to do.

I had a question about a book too but, guess I'll find the right section to post that. Thanks again for the warm words. And thank you too, to the brave survivors here. You are an encouragement; you show that it really can be done. I think she needs that more than anything now; the understanding that #1) things CAN get better and #2) that there are people that will stand with her through it all, not matter what.

Oh yeah, Kate, I already know what it's like, being a secondary. I have another friend who was diagnosed with Huntington's Disease. If you know anything about that, you'll know what kind of a ride she's in for. Mid 30's and already symptomatic. It's a tough job and unfortunately, not for everyone. The more I read about the disease, the more I was sickened by the stories of people, family members, even spouses who simply packed up and moved on, because they couldn't handle it. But as I read more, it became clearer. Some people just aren't cut out for this sorta thing and those who are, need all the support they can get too. Too often there's a ton of support for the actual person in need and that's a good thing. But in many cases, there's little to no support for the people around them. Patty Smyth sang, "Sometimes love just ain't enough" and at times, I think that's almost true, which is why we need each other when it gets rough. Okay, that's enough babbling.

~ John

Edited March 9, 2010 by Jetliner

[penguinlove]

I'm glad i found this place, even if "the bad" happened almost a year ago, i can still remember the past as clear as crystal.

[Jetliner]

I'm glad i found this place, even if "the bad" happened almost a year ago, i can still remember the past as clear as crystal.

Hey, if I may, I can understand why. Not the same thing but, for reasons in my past, my therapist recommended a book called, Getting The Love You Want. in one section, it describes what they refer to as the, "Old Brain" and the, "New Brain." The new brain is our conscious mind and the old brain is where we store stuff. Pretty much every experience; every individual, etc. is stored there in pictures and events. And whenever we are, "triggered" what's actually happening is the new brain is taking what we are experiencing in the moment and sending it through the old brain's file system, if you will to see if there's a match. The old brain then returns whatever it has on that subject. If you see an old friend, the old brain recalls your memories with them and you respond by smiling and saying, "Hi! I've missed you!" or whatever. But, it works the same for negative experiences too.

Now, here's where it gets messy - the old brain has no concept of linear time. Therefore, when something happens and the old brain sends back the info... you experience the emotions as if the incident you're recalling from memory happened only seconds ago.

In my case, I was adopted and never knew my birth mother. For all these years, I never realized how much it hurt; I never realized that I felt, abandoned. And for the life of me I couldn't understand why it hurt so much to lose a friend; until I understood this concept. My old brain was revisiting those feelings of being abandoned by my own mother, every time I experienced a loss of someone.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble but, that may shed some light on why things can seem so vivid so long after they actually happened. Doesn't mean it will always be that way. There are ways to adjust to them and to not allow them to control you as they very certainly can. Anyway, I'll shutup.

~ John

[MidnightSunshine531]

welcome to AS

[KatetheGreat]

I'm glad i found this place, even if "the bad" happened almost a year ago, i can still remember the past as clear as crystal.

Hey, if I may, I can understand why. Not the same thing but, for reasons in my past, my therapist recommended a book called, Getting The Love You Want. in one section, it describes what they refer to as the, "Old Brain" and the, "New Brain." The new brain is our conscious mind and the old brain is where we store stuff. Pretty much every experience; every individual, etc. is stored there in pictures and events. And whenever we are, "triggered" what's actually happening is the new brain is taking what we are experiencing in the moment and sending it through the old brain's file system, if you will to see if there's a match. The old brain then returns whatever it has on that subject. If you see an old friend, the old brain recalls your memories with them and you respond by smiling and saying, "Hi! I've missed you!" or whatever. But, it works the same for negative experiences too.

Now, here's where it gets messy - the old brain has no concept of linear time. Therefore, when something happens and the old brain sends back the info... you experience the emotions as if the incident you're recalling from memory happened only seconds ago.

~ John

thats an absolutely fascinating idea. I'd have to read up more on it, see how her analogy works to see if I agree, but it's definitely a good way to think about how that works.

[Jetliner]

it's definitely a good way to think about how that works.

Actually, that IS how the brain works. I can't upload them to a public forum but, I have scanned in the few pages that talk about this. Can I send attachments in a PM?

~ John

[KatetheGreat]

Please do. I think knowing how something works is the best information on how to destroy it. Making triggers powerless would solve a lot of my problems. Thanks for the help!

[Jetliner]

Sending them as we speak! I hope...

[Jetliner]

Can't attach so, heres a link.

Go to context, select the top line and scroll down to page 8-14.

http://books.google.com/books?id=wGDprz3rR...ant&f=false