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Sexist Remarks

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Hi, I have recently been thinking...

Posts have been removed because of racists tones. People saying that people of a certain ethnic group are all the same.

But why are posts allowed to stay up that say "men are all the same"?

These posts are very sexist, especially considering that we have many male members here, who contribute so much and are every bit as strong as the females, if not more.

Our male members have fought hard to overcome the taboo of being sexually abused as a guy. Only to come here and have people think that they are the same as other guys.

I am calling for an end to sexist remarks.

I would not be acceptable for someone to write that they don't trust any (picking a country out of a hat) indian people, because that is who abused them. A post containing that would be removed.

But so many posts group men together as rapists and people who can't control their sexual desires. These seem to slip through the net.

Please be aware that posts grouping men together as abusers is incredibly upsetting, not only to the male members but to the others who have male supporters who are incredible.

And board moderators, would it be possible to have a rule against posting these sexist remarks please?

Thank you,

Possum

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I've read many posts like this and I do agree with you very much. Thanks for making others aware. Not all guys are the same. I know a few great guys myself. :flowers:

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Possum,

Im very passionate about this subject, but Ive never been able to get up the courage to write about it.

Many survivors who were abused by men associate them with their abuse. When I read a post stating that men are all the same.... I get a bit angry, but then I just get sad.

Some women havent had good experiences with males, and thats what I think of.

I was blessed to have amazing guys on my life. While I was growing up and up till now so Ive never been able to group everyone together.

Thankyou Possum for bringing this up :)

Ashley

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Statements like that mostly just make me sad and somewhat ashamed of my gender (as if I need any other reason for shame in my life...lol). It is true that an overwhelming percentage of women (and men) are abused by males and so I understand.

take care all and thanks for bringing it up,

Kevin

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This is what I mean. You shouldn't feel ashamed for your gender. I don't feel guilty that other white people are racist. I'm not, I'm not responsible.

I understand why people who have had no positive experiences with men may feel like this, but it is not on to publicly post this on a forum like this. Just like someone who has had no positive experiences with members of a certain race cannot say that they are all the same without the post being removed, people should not group men all into the same category. It offends me and I'm not even a guy!

Thanks for the responses. I hope to see some more :-)

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i agree with all sed in this thread.

there is No place for intolerance in our society, whther that be racism, homophobia, Xenophobia, or sexism.

its is unjust, outdated and is not now, nor has it ever been needed as part of a healthy community or indeed society.

Sexism is illegal everywhere else ( im not denying it still happens, as do all other illegal activitives, however, it is Agaist the Law)

society recognises this as a crime agaisnt our human rights.

therfore, i feel strongly that it should be activly stamped out wherever it arises.

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Sorry but this part bothered me :hammer:

if not more.

Maybe this is me just being defensive but I feel grouping people into males and females and saying comments like that is not fair. It gives off a "men survivors have it harder thus they are stronger." Maybe I'm just too sensitive but I'm tired of people belitting my experence (not that you were) and staying stuff isn't that hard for me because of my gender, age, race, and ect. Unless you suddenly become a male or a female you really don't know what it's like for them and how much they struggle and how much they overcome. This goes along with any other group type. To say one has is harder than another isn't fair because really, every experence is different and everyone is different, and you can't compair stuff like that.

However, I do agree with you but that comment made me feel defensive and I feel the need to stand up for myself. Not all women do that.

Edited by Erti

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I meant sometimes it can be harder for guys to join these sites (there is a post on this in the same forum further down) and when people are met with all of these posts, its no wonder!

I didn't say men have it harder. I said if not more. Everyone is taken on an individual basis! :-)

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I kind of agree with that post. Also sometimes when I see posts like that I see a male member replying with "sometimes I feel ashamed to be a male". I have a friend on here who is a secondary survivor and he said that to me once... and I told him that he doesn't have to be because I don't see him any different than I view all my other friends..

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My biggest supports are males, and I appreciate males being on this board. I can understand why some survivors would have deep issues with again trusting - whether that be a male or female.

I think this is an issue that needs to be looked at too in the future.

I wish to thank all the moderators for their hard work in moderating this forum. Without them, this forum would not exist for the members.

Thanks

Edited by whitedove

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We do have rules against this. Under our Posting Rules and Guidelines, #4 says:

Hate posts, discrimination, and personal attacks will be deleted and may result in having the privilege of posting on this board revoked. Again, please have an open mind and show everyone respect and support.

We also address this in our Terms of Service:

2. This Web site contains one or more of the following services: bulletin boards, chat areas, news groups, forums, communities, site builder and/or other message or communication facilities. You agree to use such services only to send and receive messages and material that are proper and related to the particular service, area, group, forum, community or other message or communication facility. In addition to any other terms or conditions of use of any bulletin board services, chat areas, news groups, forums, communities and/or other message or communication facilities, you agree that when using one, you will not:

...Publish, post, upload, distribute or disseminate any inappropriate, profane, derogatory defamatory, infringing, improper, obscene, indecent or unlawful topic, name, material or information.

AND

....Defame, abuse, harass, stalk, threaten or otherwise violate the legal rights (such as rights of privacy and publicity) of others.

AND

Restrict or inhibit any other user from using and enjoying any of the bulletin board services, chat areas, news groups, forums, site builder, communities and/or other message or communication facilities.

When we see messages that may offend or alienate any group, including men, we remove them. It is helpful to us if you send us a pm letting us know when you run across one of these posts so we can take care of it.

Thanks for the reminder to be careful of our words when speaking about groups of people (or in general, as well). :tealribbon:

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I have received a few pm's regarding this topic. I want to clarify that there is a difference between saying, "I don't trust men/women" and saying, "All women/men are abusers and rapists."

I hope this explanation helps. :tealribbon:

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Thanks Kelly!

My original post was really more to make people aware, more than to ask for rules :-)

I agree, it is different saying I don't trust and saying they're all the same, but I would expect a post to be removed if someone said "I don't trust anyone from the middle east".

Thanks everyone for the support! We need to make sure every member is welcome here.

Possum

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I agree, it is different saying I don't trust and saying they're all the same, but I would expect a post to be removed if someone said "I don't trust anyone from the middle east".

Have I missed a post like this? If so, please send me a pm about it.

I think we can all agree that AS is a place where we strive to make sure that everyone is accepted here. If there are concerns, I encrourage you to contact a mod. :flowers:

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Sorry! I meant a post saying that would be removed, but "I don't trust men" posts aren't. There is a difference but it would offend me if someone, for instance, didn't trust people with red hair or people from Scotland.

Sorry, not trying to cause fireworks, its just something I feel strongly about.

Thanks Kelly :-)

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Comments like that, they usually explain why they do not trust men. If someone were to say something like this "I do not trust people from the middle east because I was R* by someone from there" I don't see it being take off because it explains why. They would probably explain how their trust issues effects their lives and is probably seeking advice on how to overcome this trust issues. The reason why you might see those comment on there is because they are not attacking men for being men they are trying to seek help for themselves and how it's a flaw in their character.

Edited by Erti

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they are not attacking men for being men

i know they arent, but it feels like it. i dont have a problem with the posts that make that clear. but there are posts where they complain or "attack" men in general. it does make me ashamed of my gender.

though i do understand it and if there is anyplace to complain about men this should be a place to do it. *shrug* whatever helps them over come the fear and or character flaw. lol mixed feelings i guess. dont want to feel hated but understand the need to talk about it in a general sense.

Edited by invisibility

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Possum,

You have my FULL MY SUPPORT on this issue. TO THE MALES ON THIS SITE: You are my heroes.

I appreciate your support of me and woman in general and want you to know I SUPPORT you fully in you journey of healing and transforming. I see you no different as me as a survivor. In fact, some of my good friends on as have been men. So please accept our apologies for any hurt feelings that may have occurred and know you are our equals and certainly stronger than than most men I know. IT IS MY ABSOLUTE PRIVILEGE TO KNOW YOU AND WALK THIS JOURNEY SIDE BY SIDE WITH YOU.

Thank-You, Possum, for strong and loving heart. You never cease to amaze me, hon.

yankee

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You make a fair point, Erti :-)

And thanks, invis. It helps to show people that these comments, although not intended to upset, can really hurt some people here. And it hurts even me, when I see people feeling like they need to apologise for being male.

Yanks, thank you! I totally agree. And I think anyone who knows you is a lucky person indeed.

Possum xx

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Speaking as a male member....I understand most of the reasoning behind such comments, and while someone should feel free to express their reservations with a race, gender, culture, etc, I do agree that blanket generalizations and negative mind sets can be damaging to both male members and the original poster. Carrying around that type of superficial stereotypical belief is damaging to your own psyche. And automatically discredits men who would try to help you.

So three cheers for equality and all that jazz.

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Just wanted to say, Possum, thanks.

And thanks to everyone else for the support. You're all so generous and kind.

I'm sorry so many have been hurt by gender. But please know that there are good guys just as much as there are bad guys (hopefully more good guys than bad guys though, otherwise my sense of humanity is more out of whack than I was hoping for).

Edited by Po

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I think the men who come to this site are awesome for caring so much for their survivor friends, lovers, sisters, friends, mothers, wives, and daughters.

A lot of what happens here in support is self expression of things we may otherwise have trouble expressing. And expressing it helps us deal with it. I think, especially in the vent section, that there needs to be some leeway and understanding when a person who has been raped expresses her rage and pain and fears regarding their rapists, and sometimes that extends to all people who share traits with that person.

My therapist looks in many ways like my rapist. Every time I go to therapy, I have to mentally point out to myself things that are different about the man who raped me and this therapist. However, I will be changing therapists in the next week, because I personally will never be able to open up to him the way I need to to proceed in therapy because his appearance alone is a trigger for me. Its not his fault. I dont' blame him for how he looks, the color of his eyes or his gender. He is a decent guy. I know that in my head, but I don't know if I can ever get past that response. But, I'm tired of not getting anywhere because this interferes with the therapy process.

Like this instinctual response to the physical attributes of my therapist, I think the sexist sounding statements are simply an instinctual reaction to what has happened. I know how hard it must be for secondary survivors because you take on yourselves a portion of those feelings of guilt and shame and self-blame that we experience. When you see these kinds of statements they hurt and drive deeper things you are already feeling.

I guess what I am trying to say here is that, yes, while we should be careful we aren't wounding our own right arms by saying things that come off as attacking certain groups of people, we also need to have a place to safely say such things. When you see them in posts, please understand the place the writer is in and gently point out that what was said is hurtful to you.

As I sit here, I think to myself... have I written anything that was hurtful? And I don't know the answer. There are times when I feel a whole lot of anger and it might internally get directed towards certain people or groups and that might leak out sometimes. If it has I am sorry, and I hope you point it out to me.

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Thanks Cyrun.

My post was more meant about the guys who are on here as survivors though.

The secondary people are amazing too, I'm not disputing that, but a lot of people forget that there are male survivors in almost all areas of the forum. The only place they can't go is the female forum. And the only place the women can't go is the male forum.

x

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I agree Rosi. The majority of AS is open to both male and female survivors and so I think that sexist comments are still hurtful. If a male survivor who was hurt by a woman started a thread that said something like 'women suck' or saying that all women were predators, there would be an outcry! And so I think that while yes, the majority of us were hurt by men, saying that this makes all men that way can really effect others.

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I'm sorry but I just don't see people here doing that to one another. Did I just miss something because I don't know of any post that has been specificlly bad or taken off because of one gender, race, ethnicity, etc. I am not sure what all the fuss is about. I just haven't seen this. Maybe I am reading the wrong post but it seems this is being made to be more than it is and kind of blown out of proportion. We are all survivors here. Some men think that about women. I just think we can be a little more understanding. I don't think anyone is out to get a particualar gender or race or what have you. Let's just all get along.

Edited by littlegirllost4ever

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