This Is Me

[iamstillstanding]

Hello,

I am feeling very scared to be doing this, but I feel so drawn to everyone who is like me. Those of us trying to figure it all out. I was raped as a Junior in college by my then boyfriend. I lived with him off campus. After the physcial and sexual abuse started, he kept me either chained in the apartment, in his car trunk when he was working, or under orders to return after class or he would kill someone he would make me select before leaving for class. I cannot even write or speak about most of the abuse at this point. I finally escaped after a year but the abuse continued. He found me everywhere I moved and raped my more times than I can remember. The last rape was over ten years ago and my injuries were so severe I ended up in the hospital with sugeries to follow. Charges were filed but the case was thrown out of court due to lack of evidence. He continued to stalk me for another ten years until he killed himself. I found out that he was a suspect in the deaths of 5 women and he killed himself the morning they went to arrest him. I was 40 years old when that happened. I finally told my family, they were very supportive and have encouraged counseling and anything I need. My husband, on the other hand, was not very supportive. I divorced him and have found through therapy, that he was also abusive, just in a less physical way. I did not see it as abuse becuase it didn't leave scars or bruises on my body. I feel very alone most of the time, full of shame, and struggle to deal with the memories that flood over me daily. I hate that there are so many of us out here, but I am glad I am no longer alone. I just needed to try this, to break the silence somewhere. Even though my family has been very loving, I just can't bring myself to talk about the incidents or memories with them because I don't want them to be able to see me like I was then. I am afraid the support might diminish if they pictured me like a victim and not a person.

[Kathrina]

iamstillstanding

and so do I.

It is scary when you first do something new, ie come on here, but I hope like me you find that the people who use this forum are a good bunch of people who share the same thing which is what brought us here in the first place.

It is hard to talk about this stuff to our families which is why the majority go to a therapist/counsellor anyway. I am glad that your family are supportive though.

I'm also glad that the person is no longer living therefore can no longer hurt you. Good for you for divorcing the husband who was no better. Should I really write this ??

Anyway welcome and look forward to getting to know you.

Take Care.

Kathrina

Edited November 15, 2009 by Kathrina

[DamagedSoul]

Hey iamstillstanding,

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I'm glad you have the support of your family. They sound caring and understanding, so I am sure they're not expecting you to tell them every detail of what happened to you. If they do, just let them know you're not ready to talk about it yet and they will surely understand.

x

[riseabove29]

I am sorry that you went through that and I am glad that you decided to break the silence and say something. You are a strong woman....

[dopey]

Hello and welcome to AS. I'm sorry that you had to go through what you have done. I really hope that you find AS helpful

Take care

[fightergirl]

Hi iamstillstanding

Welcome to AS

My name is Cathy, I am part of the newbie support team here at Aftersilence. I will be happy to help you settle in, if you have any problems or questions you send me or any member of the team a personal message.

I am really sorry for all that you had to go through if ok?? I can compleartly understand what you have said about your ex Husband and not knowing he was abusive, it is hard to realise these things when you are used to so much worse, But I am glad you got away from him. Not much I can say about that other monster only that you did not deserve that treatment, and he was sick twisted individual!

Look forward to seeing you around the board

Hugs and support

Cathy

[MidnightSunshine531]

welcome to AS

[iamstillstanding]

I just wanted to say that I appreciate the support and the hello's. I feel like I am not so alone.

[dejahthorisofhelium]

Hello, and Welcome to AS. I'm glad you've found us, and if you need anything, my PM box is always open. I hope you find the love, support and encouragement here that I have. My situation has similarities to yours, and I look forward to getting to know you. -Dejah

[sadeyes22]

Hi welcome to AS I am glad that you have joined us. I hope you will feel at home here. If you have any questions please do not hesitate to ask. I look forward to seeing you around.

:hug:

Sad

[whimsical1]

Welcome to AS.