Need Help Getting Over Childhood Rape

[Anonymous2]

I don't know where to start, so let me introduce myself first. I'm 15 years old (bordering 16) and I've been in a stable long distance relationship with my girlfriend for almost a year.

Not two days ago I was talking to her about her past when she decided to confess to me she was raped as a child (8-9 years old), and she's changed ever since. She's 16 now and doesn't think about it anymore, and she tells me she doesn't let it affect her but I'm scared and worried. Now that we decided to talk about it it's hurting us both remembering what happened in her childhood (she got raped, her mother beat and screamed at her, her father divorced and left her, she got bullied at school and had to leave and get homeschooling, she got into substance abuse at an early age but stopped again, the list goes on).

I'm finding it extremely hard to be a supportive boyfriend, because we don't know what to do. She hasn't told anybody else, not even her parents, which is worrying to me because I don't want her bottling up her emotions, but I don't want to force her to telling anyone if she doesn't feel comfortable with it. I wish we could get professional help but she's scared about it. I really don't know where else to turn, the past few days have been really hard on us both.

We're hoping internet resources such as aftersilence.org will help us both get over it and live a normal life again, so that she's no longer tormented by her past. Ever since, she's been overweight, alone, shy, keeping to herself and spends all of her time on the internet.

I'm also worried about how talking about it is making her feel. She feels guilty for telling me (because it's been hurting me a lot too, knowing what she went through), even though I've assured her it's not her fault and it was the right thing to do (telling me), and she's afraid it will affect our relationship.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't know where else to turn, I don't know how to get over it, I don't know where to get help.

[dodo]

There is a lot of help out there - and a site such as this is a great start.

However if you are still in school one of the best people you might be able to talk to about it is a school counsellor or a trusted teacher. They will be able to let you know what help is available in your area.

Perhaps your girlfriend might also like to join the site too? She would be very welcomed and would recieve a lot of support and friendship.

Best wishes

karen

[whimsical1]

Welcome to AS. Maybe your g/f could introduce herself here on the boards? It may help her, too.

[Anonymous2]

I'm still in school however I live in Germany and she lives in England, so I'm not sure how much local help can be. I've also been on rather shaky grounds with any psychology centers and schools available in my area, so I'd prefer to talk to a professional counselor directly if possible.

She has registered here, even helped me find this website and watching this thread, but she's really scared of posting here, especially talking to strangers. She's had some real bad trust issues since her incident (understandable, it was a relative of hers), which has made it really hard, because she doesn't want to seek professional help or contact anybody herself at all.

Often she asks herself and me "What if it wasn't really rape? I didn't say no, I didn't understand at the time". This has been very distressing for both me and her, how can we heal if we don't accept it? From what I've read this seems to be rather common among survivors, but I want to help her realize at her own pace that there's help available for her and she doesn't have to shut in, or be afraid of anybody finding out.

I don't know how to handle it, I don't know whether I should be trying to get help, or whether I should be trying to get over it ourselves if that's what she wants. I feel like I can't properly reach out and help her even though I'm trying my hardest to support her.

She tells me she's confused about how to feel, she tells me she doesn't know how to react or what to say. She tells me she's sorry for burdening me so much and she's sorry for having so many issues and problems, and that it's her fault. I keep telling her it isn't her fault and she did nothing to deserve this.. but I don't know if I can reach her.

Ps. Could you move this to the Secondary Survivors forum perhaps?

[Anonymous2]

I need more help.

The worst part about it is that it was her older brother. She spent every weekend with him for 2-3 years when it started, it's perfectly possible that she got abused more than once but didn't remember/realize it. He's even tried doing it a few years ago when she was perfectly aware, but she managed to struggle and resist and get away. He still talks to people now, and tells people that he abused her and she was "willing" or "asking for it" (bullshit). He went as far as physically restraining her and penetrating her before she managed to get away once.

This is all very hard to cope for me, as I simply cannot accept the fact that nobody knows of this. I want to prosecute him but my GF doesn't and I want to respect her feelings. There's evidence he's been doing the same to her younger sister as well, which makes it even worse knowing he's still abusive.

I'm just wondering what can be done against it. He was in the same age as her (not adult), but it was without her consent, she was physically hurt, emotionally damaged for the rest of her life and she didn't want, like or enjoy it in any way. Is it still considered rape if it's two children?

Ps. I didn't really want to share so much explicit data in this forum due to the Rules, can this get moved to Secondary Survivers asap please?

[whimsical1]

You can repost in the Secondary forum if you'd like, and she doesn't have to be scared here. She can remain anonymous while working though these problems and discussing her feelings. We will welcome her with cyber-hugs.

[azazo]

Really sorry for both of you.

You are a special person to want to be so helpful and supportive to her, thank you for that.

Unfortunately, you can't force her to do anything she isn't ready to do, it would not help her to talk to a pro if she isn't ready. She has to feel that she wants to tell or heal in order to do so. But I think that with time, she will come to a place that she will decide to let the secrets out and get some help for herself and her sister. The brother sounds like a total idiot talking about it to people, he's digging his own grave so to speak, but that is good for your gf, it's evidence against him.

It may be experimentation in his opinion, but she didn't understand enough to say no, but that still does not make is consensual, so it is assault.(rape or molestation) Even tho they are both under aged it could still be called rape.

As far as getting over it, those may just be the wrong words to use. That sounds like it should be forgotten about or ignored and that isn't possible, but there is much hope to learn how to cope and deal with it and be able to live a healthy life.

Secrets are toxic tho. As long as she keeps these terrible secrets, there will be pain.

Has she talked to her little sister about it? Maybe they will find strength in each other and support each other and bring him down.

The confusion she feels is soooo normal and it's hard to figure that out. Sometimes I think it's the worst part of the entire scenario. Worse than the acts of abuse themselves because the confusion continues long after the abuse has stopped.

I hope that things work out for them and they reach out for help and receive it and that this as*hole brother pays for the damage he has no idea he caused them.

peace

[cinamon]

I would like to ask if she would call a national abuse hot line it could help if she will tell you what her reasons for not telling are maybe you can get to help her that way don't force anything because she has already been forced and lost her control I would also tell you to call the National abuse center and talk to them about your feelings it could help I have called and asked a few questions about My sisters abuseive relationship and found some information I have gave to her if she chooses to use she has it

[MidnightSunshine531]

welcome to AS

[Bandman]

Hey man, it's really really tough but hang in there for her. At least she is talking about it now, and there is something about you that obviously has instilled a great deal of trust in your GF. My friend was also abused by a brother, she's been messed badly, but little by little she heals each day, which is not to say that she still doesn't have bad days .

I highly recommend this site for secondaries - you will learn so much here and find support when you feel burned out. Everyone here has been great. There are many resources available to both of you. Now that she has told you, she will at some point come to a place where she will tell others and seek the help she needs to heal.