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Secondary Survivors On The Relationships Board?


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I can see both sides of the argument here.

My main "secondary" is also a survivor on here, and I am probably his main secondary now. But we are both survivors too. Anything I write he can see unless it is in a forum that only people in my group have access to.

I think the issue for most people wouldn't be secondaries seeing the relationships forum, it would be with their own secondaries seeing it.

And if someone won't respect their friend's/partner's/family member's privacy enough when registered as a secondary, and do go into the relationships and sexuality board (if they had access), then surely they wouldn't respect the rules enough to not just register as a survivor?

I don't know, just guessing!

I know I would be incredibly angry if someone I knew registered on the site to read my posts without my knowledge. I always ask before reading my partner's posts, because if he wants to keep them private, then he can and I respect that.

Personally I don't see why secondaries shouldn't be allowed in the relationships forum. As I said before, if they don't respect the member they are supporting enough to not go into it if asked, then they may as well register as a survivor and go through that way.

Rosi

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  • 1 year later...

What is interesting to me.

The same issues that survivors struggle with in getting Self-help; Letting down defenses, being vulnerable, trusting, Being open, being honest.

These same things exist on the forums. Then I wonder if the same issues that hinder the healing in life, are just perpetuated on the forums.

Like a giant Catch-22.... or something down the rabbit hole(to make an unfortunate Lewis Carroll reference, but maybe he was a survivor too.)

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So I'm looking at this and trying to figure out what to say, because I am with Wolfie that I would like some input on relationships from secondaries.

What if we gave secondaries access to all forums? I'm not saying they could read all the posts, because looking at this reply thing there are three little check boxes down there, can we add a fourth one for "Enable viewing by Secondary Survivors"? That way survivors can choose whether or not they want secondaries to see, and secondaries can still go around helping people who do want help from them without being cornered by the number of forums they are allowed to see.

Idk if its possible or not, just a thought. :flowers:

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So I'm looking at this and trying to figure out what to say, because I am with Wolfie that I would like some input on relationships from secondaries.

What if we gave secondaries access to all forums? I'm not saying they could read all the posts, because looking at this reply thing there are three little check boxes down there, can we add a fourth one for "Enable viewing by Secondary Survivors"? That way survivors can choose whether or not they want secondaries to see, and secondaries can still go around helping people who do want help from them without being cornered by the number of forums they are allowed to see.

Idk if its possible or not, just a thought. :flowers:

i had been thinking about this option, too...... but for one, i assume it would be pretty tricky technically....? but also, i think it would be really confusing for us; cause that would mean that not only the original poster but also everybody who replies would always have to check for who this particular thread is visible....... i think it would impact the feeling of being able to just speak freely for many.

i explicitly appreciate the presence of secondary survivors here, and i often would like for them to be able to participate more here...... but i have come to the conclusion that i personally prefer it the way it is now.

willard..... it might be just me.... but to me, your post is pretty offensive! for one, i personally dont struggle with any of those things that you mention. so please dont say "survivors" are x, y or z; that sounds like a pretty rough generalization, and it is simply inaccurate. and then...... you know..... the thing about trust is: it is given. not demanded. maybe think about that. - and the way you act as if you knew more about healing than we do (and as if you knew how this board works for us, and imply that we are not "honest" or "open" here bc things are not visible to you), well, sorry but that is just plain rude and actually quite typical of the ignorance and arrogance that some of our secondaries tend to display. :angry: - and btw..... lewis carroll actually may have been an offender. seriously, look it up on wiki or somewhere. "alice" was modelled after a girl he actually knew. well... look it up. :shrug:

Edited by RiseAndShine
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Petals: that sounds like a good idea. For simplicity's sake, maybe only the topic starters (and mods if asked to change the setting) should have the option for "enable SS to view" or something like that.

What is interesting to me.

The same issues that survivors struggle with in getting Self-help; Letting down defenses, being vulnerable, trusting, Being open, being honest.

These same things exist on the forums. Then I wonder if the same issues that hinder the healing in life, are just perpetuated on the forums.

Like a giant Catch-22.... or something down the rabbit hole(to make an unfortunate Lewis Carroll reference, but maybe he was a survivor too.)

I agree with RiseandShine, this seems really insensitive; AS is a place where ALL these things happen. At their own pace, this is true, but they happen none the less. Yes, we survivors have issues with trust and being vulnerable. But show me a person, SAS or not, who doesn't. Show me one person who has NEVER in their entire life had these issues. Unless they have a medical or psychological condition which can cause them to be unable to feel/express emotions and/or empathize with others (this isn't a slam, just an example) then that's different. But the majority of people don't.

I'm hoping you meant this to point out the obvious; that we have a harder time with these issues...

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