Hello... Hope I Can Join You :)

[AngelBea]

Hello,

I'm *Bea*, I'm 22 and currently living in Wales. I've stumbled across this forum and spent most of my morning reading through the various forums and really hope you won't mind me joining you. I could really do with the support, or at least just knowing I'm not alone. This seems like a wonderful community and you must all give eahc other so much strength.

My 'experience' was 7 years ago at the age of 15 and I've never really had the chance to deal with it, to talk to anybody properly or move on. I suffered from severe depression as a result in my late teens, accumulating in self harm and an attempt on my life. Despite attending counselling during and after this, I never once talked about what happened to me. I don't even think I'm fully ready yet, but I desperately want to be- I need to be. It's time to stop being a victim and set myself on the road to recovery. I want to be one of you- I want to be a survivor.

I became a mother to my beautiful son last year and I am fortunate to be engaged to a wonderful man, but my past seems to have a deadly hold on me and I'm genuinely fearful that I won't be able to escape my demons and it will inevitably destroy my relationship with my fiance or, worse still, my son. I'm tryng really hard to gather the strength to write my story but I just feel guilty that my experience wasn't 'bad' enough, that maybe I don't belong here and maybe I'm reading too much into it. I suppose a part of me just can't still accept it.

I'm so sorry to babble. I look forward to getting to know you all better in time.

Xxx Bea xxX

[Tiger Lily]

Hi,

Welcome to AS. I am sorry for what has brought you here but I am glad you found us. This is a great safe place and I hope you get as much support as you want/need. There is no pressure to post anything so just take your time

Take gentle care

-TL

[John]

Hey Bea,

I don't think you where babbling at all, it all makes perfect sense, and based on what you've said, I'm really glad that you've decided to come to AfterSilence. You know, I think the best way you can prevent your past from hurting your relationship with your fiance and son, is communication, it's really the key to any successful relationship, letting them know why you're acting the way you are, you don't have to go into gorry details, just communicate the best way you can, then they know you're making the best possible effort to overcome this, so you can live a happy life with them, it can help loved ones feel as if they're not being left in the dark about what's going on for you, even if you just say, "I'm doing it tough at the moment because of those things in my past", it makes a big different to not saying anything

I think by coming here, it proves you are a survivor, and although you're hurting you're also on the path to healing, it's a long and sometimes uncertain road to travel, but trust me you're a survivor, and you're surviving right now I think by being here at AS and getting support from others like yourself can only help that healing Well done on coming here, I know it's not always easy but you've done the right thing, and I look forward to seeing you here

Take gentle care,

John

[JenKitty]

Hey Bea! Welcome.

I am pretty new here as well, but I think you are on the right path by joining. Sometimes it feels like the status of "survivor" will never happen, I know the feeling. But fear not....you will get there! It may not come as fast as you would like but it will come. It took me years, and I still wasn't there even when I got married. I am just now feeling like "maybe" I am there! (9 years after my abuse ended!) And I'll be the first to admit I even still have days that I feel like a victim still, like I can't enjoy certain things, or I will never lose the weight I gained to not attact the opposite sex! I work through them though and I move on as best I can!

Please do not feel like what you went through is any less than what others have gone through! It changed your life, it was abuse, it brought you here! That is what brought each and everyone of us here... a case of abuse that changed our lives. Abuse comes in all different forms, in all varying degrees. Try not to compare your case with others, its unique to you, as our cases are unique to each of us. There is not one person on here who will say what you went through is no where near what they went through. We are all here to support and help each other!

In time you will be able to tell your story, and each time it will get easier. We are all here for you and understand that you will share when you are ready!

Thank you for joining!

~Jen

[AngelBea]

Thank you so much for your replies and John, I really understand what you're saying about the importance of communication, and this is something I will be really working on. It was a conversation with my fiance that prompted me to come online today and seek some form of help or support... despite him being as understanding and patient as he can, I can't help but feel as though hearing me talk about what has happened to me in the past really hurts him and when I see him whince at the sound of my words, I know he wants to help but he feels helpless that he can't change what has happened. In some ways I wonder if the forum would be even more beneficial to him! But I need to open up and deal with things and I don't think he's the best person to fully unburden on. It would hurt him too much- and I worry he'll never see me in the same way again.

Thank you TL- it's good to know theres no immediate pressure to bear my soul, so to speak, and I hope the more time I spend on here, the more comfortable I'll feel

Xxx AB xxX

[whimsical1]

Hi Bea, and welcome to AS.

[JenKittySupporter]

Wow, I'm very glad that you are here. You said that you feel guilty that your experiences wasn't "bad enough." I have a similar feeling because I wasn't the one that was raped/abused, my wife was. So sometimes I feel like "what right do I have to feel like a victim?"

But the truth is that my life has been affected by what happened. I don't lead a "normal" blissfully igrnorant life, my wife and I don't have a "normal" relationship, and we don't do many of the things that "normal" people do. I have thoughts that "normal" people don't have, nor should they. And I have nightmares that "normal" people don't have either.

And I wasn't even the one that had to go through the horrible experience, the worst part. I got the easy part. I just have to love a wonderful woman who happens to be a survivor.

So, if I belong here, and I'm just a "secondary survivor/supporter" then of course you belong here. There are people here with worse experiences than yours, but there are also people here whose experiences were not as bad as yours. So no matter what, don't worry, we're here for you. We will listen, we will be here for you, we will do everything in our collective power for you. Just let us know what you need.

Cuchulainn

[tmj1984]

Hi Bea welcome to AS!!!!

[angelic]

HI and welcome to AS, Bea, looking forward to getting to know you,

Paula

[AngelBea]

Thank you Jen- and Cuchulainn that does make me feel a great deal better. I think the question of whether what I experienced constituted as 'abuse' is what has help me back for all this time. I was known as a child to fabricate, exagerrate or downright lie in order to seek attention and I often wondered if my mind had played tricks onme, if I had perhaps exaggerated events as a justification for the overwhelming spectrum of emotions I experienced or if I had made it into something it wasn't in order to gain sympathy or attention. But realising that this hasn't gone away after 7 years- and that I can't fully talk about it to anyone- makes me realise that it must have been *something*. And actually, reading through some of the stories on here have really triggered memories and made me realise that yes, what happened was wrong- very wrong- and I'm not alone, or stupid for feeling the way I do.

And Jen, it's comforting to know you didn't feel as though you'd 'got there' when you got married, as I sometimes feel wrecked with guilt about what I might be doing to my fiance- and wonder if the 'right' thing would be to break things off until I've sorted myself out!!

Cuchulainn, you sound like an incredible person to be supporting your wife in this way and I have the upmost respect for you for doing so. She's incredibly lucky- and so are you

Xxx AB xxX

Edited July 9, 2009 by AngelBea

[emt]

Hi and welcome to AS. I am glad that you are reaching out and hoping it will help you to not feel so alone. I am soory for what you have been through and I am hoping that you might be able to open up a little and talk about it now that you have people who have been through similar things.

Love your profile pic.

emt

[traceyelizabeth]

Hi

Welcome to AS this is a great place and we welcome you with open arms

Love Tracey

[JenKitty]

And Jen, it's comforting to know you didn't feel as though you'd 'got there' when you got married, as I sometimes feel wrecked with guilt about what I might be doing to my fiance- and wonder if the 'right' thing would be to break things off until I've sorted myself out!!

Cuchulainn, you sound like an incredible person to be supporting your wife in this way and I have the upmost respect for you for doing so. She's incredibly lucky- and so are you

Xxx AB xxX

I am so glad that what I said has helped in some way. (That's really my goal, I want to form a support group in my area since there aren't many.) Before Cuchulainn (Bob) and I got married, I wondered if he would be better off with someone who "didn't have so many issues". I even asked him if I was really what he wanted...and he of course said he felt there was no one better. I often felt bad that some days I couldn't give him what he wanted, and it wasn't until after we married that I began to find/feel the joy that came with making love. I had no idea there was pleasure in sex...I had honestly never felt it. That was the first big step for me.

As for Cuchulainn, he is an incredible man and the best supporter I could ever have. Sometimes I am amazed at how much self control he has...since my abuser was my brother and we see him at family events/holidays. I know I am lucky to have him by my side, he is the perfect person to be there!

[dopey]

Hello and welcoem to AS, Bea

[MidnightSunshine531]

welcome to AS