I Need To Stop Doing This

[kyva]

How many times have I fallen from the net in the past 2 years? It seems like a lot when I think about it. I keep meaning to stat connected, but then get uneasy and sort of fade out. I do have some wonderful news though that I would like to share. I am also hoping to be more active and helpful in light of all of this.

When I used to read through the forums about a year ago, everything was a trigger. I found it hard to offer support when I was still hurting inside. Over the past 1-2 years, I have spent a lot of time self-healing. I had started my own business, which built my self-esteem. I had to close it down due to $ issues, but now I have a full time job that I like which also pays well.

My SO and I got our first apartment back in the beginning of May. We share the same bed, I do not flinch from his touch, back away or have flashbacks like I used to. I feel more confident, hold myself higher and just feel proud for all that I have survived.

I can finally have sexual relations with him without crying or any twinge of memory or flashback. I am now able to fall in love completely, without fear of him not understanding or walking away. We plan to get bonded through a justice of the peace in the fall. We've been together for almost 7 years.

Now, some of you may recall me working on something for other survivors. A book of sorts, with my poetry in it. The last time I worked on it, it sent sparks through my memory and I had to stop. That was over a year ago. I have since picked it back up and find that the poems do not trigger me. I also am starting a novel explaining what had happened as well as my healing process.

The one thing that upset me most of all when I was hurt, was that I could not find any silent companion to take comfort from. I wanted to find a book that I could relate to, that would tell me everything would be okay and to know I was not alone. I feared telling anyone and wanted to keep it secret. Even now, such a book is one I have not found. I have found ones on statistics, numbers and workbooks, but not something along the lines of a survivor's journal. That is the full reason as to why I am writing up my past now.

To bring comfort to others, in knowing what I have learned over the past 10.5 years.

Hope you all have been well ;)

[angelic]

Welcome back

[tmj1984]

Wow you have accomplished so much, you should be VERY proud of yourself !

[kyva]

I am very proud of all that I have overcome in the past year. I am finding however that writing my story is a tad difficult. Need to take it in small amounts, you know?

[tmj1984]

Yes I do understand. One step at a time.

[kyva]

Thank you for the wonderful support Tamara ;)

[whimsical1]

W

Edited June 29, 2009 by whimsical1

[whimsical1]

Welcome back to AS.

[MidnightSunshine531]

welcome to AS

[Survivors sanctuary]

Welcome to AS ...

[Tiger Lily]

Welcome back to AS