Incestual Childhood Rape And Abuse

[wonderful willow]

ok, well, i guess the title pretty much says the main reason why i'm here.

the man involved was my father. my biological father. not my adoptive father or my foster father, or my stepfather, my bio father. somehow that makes it seem worse to some ppl. it does to me.

i'm 20.

i live in south yorkshire, england.

i'm just starting university to do a degree in biomedical science.

i recently realised i'm never going to be free from this hideous past until i tell my relatives about what he did to me.

and this is going to be so incredibly hard for me.

i know i'm going to lose my brother. he thinks our father is perfect.

i'm worrying about how my mum will react, the more i think about it the more i think she already knew. it seems it was too obvious looking back to not know.

i'm having really vivid and warped nightmares and daymares and flashbacks and stuff.

my biology tutor at uni has no sympathy with why i'm a bit out of it, why i struggle with concentrating on things we both know i can do. she says ppl who say they are suffering with depression need to just sort their relationships out.

that is exactly why i'm having to tell them. because i know i need to sort my relationships out, but she basically says ppl like me shouldn't be wasting the time of medical proffessionals and all this.

i know it's crazy but it still upsets me.

i just want to die a lot of the time so i dont have to do the things i have to do.

i guess thats the basic thing with me.

willow

xxx

[Jane]

Hi Hun. Welcome to the boards. The Mods may move this post to the 'Share my Story' board thingie.

First of all I am sorry for what your father did to you, it was and will always be horrible and he had no right to do that to you. I had my abuse happen by a family member and he was protected by my mother so I know how hard it is.

Your tutor can go to hell. Most of the ignorant moronic comments coming from woman like her are exactly that. Those are the lucky few of us females who have not be abused or assulted and in their ignorance think they know what it's like but that's like saying you know what giving birth is like you can read all the books in the world but you don't know until you push nine pounds of flesh out of a 10cm hole in your crotch.

Depression is so hard and I am sorry you are going through it. I wanted to die so many times but you must realise while dying will end the pain of the depression and the shame of admitting the abuse...it ends the happiness you have in your life too. You may not be religious and I don't mean to offend you but I believe everyone has a purpose, even if they don't know it.

[SheShy]

Hi sweetie

Welcome to AS.

Christy

[Donna]

Welcome to After Silence. (((((hugs)))))

[tealight rookie]

(((Willow)))

I am so sorry for your experiences, and for the lack of support you are receiving at university. Is there anyone else you can talk to there? I know most UK universities have counselling services. Your women's officer (a student member of the union) should be able to point you in the right direction. Also, the women's officer might be a good person to talk to anyway, if you feel you can. This is one of the things they are there to help with.

As for confronting your family - only do it when you are ready. There is no obligation, and many survivors never do. It is possible to work towards your healing without confrontation, and for a lot of people it is something that is quite far down the line...

Anyway, welcome to AS sweetie. Please know that you are not alone with this. Lean on us all you need.

Ruthie

[Diana]

((((((((willow)))))))) Welcome to AS!

Oh honey im sorry you're having to deal with so much. My biological father also abused me, so you're not alone with that. However I was removed from them when I was small, and I have a new family now, so I guess thats a bit different. With telling your family... take your time, and if it's really worrying you, then just leave it for a while. Only do what you can manage ok?

I think Ruthie has a really good point about the counselling. The service is generally pretty good, and free (I'm off to uni next year, so I've been looking at it!), and they will understand, and be able to help you cope with this. Of course, you don't have to do that right away, but its definately something to think about. Another thing is helplines. Have you considered calling the Samaritans? I have called a couple times, when I'm feeling really really desperate, and it helps to be able to ramble away and have someone listen, and not judge you. I generally come off the phone feeling so much lighter and less stressed and less emotional. Even with a smile sometimes!

Your biology tutor is talking rubbish. If you could 'just sort your relationships out', you would've done that already! Stupid woman. I know it hurts, but you need to ignore her, and accept that she doesnt know what she's talking about when it comes to depression. Ugh how I hate people like that!

As for the flashbacks and nightmares... I know how awful that can be, but it will get better with time. You just need to keep battling through, and gradually, things will get easier for you. Death is never a good option... in your future, I am absolutly certain that you will have some really good times that will make up for all the bad stuff you're fighting now. You really can do this!

If it helps, feel free to post as much as you like.. some of us here are experts at writing huge long rambles, so doon't worry about that! Take good care,

Diana x

[dopey]

hello and welcome to AS!

i hope that the boards will help you

take care xxx

[Guest hurtingforever]

Willow,

Welcome to After Silence sweetie. I am glad you found us. I think everyone else pretty much said what I was going to say.

I am here if you ever need to talk....HUGS

Lindsay

[Ardatha]

my biology tutor at uni has no sympathy with why i'm a bit out of it, why i struggle with concentrating on things we both know i can do. she says ppl who say they are suffering with depression need to just sort their relationships out.

that is exactly why i'm having to tell them. because i know i need to sort my relationships out, but she basically says ppl like me shouldn't be wasting the time of medical proffessionals and all this.

Hi Willow,

Welcome to After Silence. Your biology tutor is a perfect illustration for the question - "why is it that those who have nothing (good) to say insist on saying it?" So, when did doctors start tutoring biology? (snort) She sounds like a silly git and you'd be doing yourself a favor by ignoring her. ;)

My heart went out to you while reading your post. You have articulated the feelings and thoughts that many of us survivors deal with, or have dealt with, and although you'd think after all this time I'd become a bit jaded having read so many of them, I am grateful that this is not the case. Each new story, each new survivor continues to increase my awareness of what a sad sick world this can be. This motivates me to do whatever I can to help, even if it's simply offering support, caring and cyberhugs. It's what keeps me coming to this site and posting messages that are as supportive as I can make them.

Please know that your feelings are perfectly natural, given your circumstances. Any "normal" person would feel the exact same way if they were in your shoes. So, you are not an aberration, nor are you "wasting the time of medical professionals." What happened to you is certainly true and the results can be devastating, as I'm sure you'd agree. This is not some flight of fancy or psychosomatic illness. It is real and you are having to deal with it.

Are you aware, dear one, that none of what happened was your fault? You didn't touch on that issue, but it is quite common among us survivors to shoulder the blame and shame for what was done to us, when it actually belongs to the person who did it. I just wanted to bring this up in case you are one of the unlucky ones who were made to feel guilty and ashamed.

I am very sorry that you have a reason to be here but I do hope you will find this site as therapeutic as many others have found it. If you feel the need to talk, feel free to PM me. I'm a very good "listener." Meanwhile, look around the site and, above all, treat yourself gently. You deserve it.

Ardatha

Edited March 16, 2005 by Ardatha

[Charlene]

hi and welcome.

i was abused by my biological father too, so dont feel alone.

im here if you ever need to talk :hug:

~charlene~

[angelicarit]

I am a little surprised to see how many of us were victims of our biological father. Now I don't feel as much as a freak.

Willow~ I agree with everyone on when or if you want to confront your family, it is a tough thing to have to decide and the reproccussions are almost as devastating as the abuse itself. My father is the perpetrator of s*****, physical, and a lot of mental abuse. So believe me when I say that I understand. My mother is still with him and I have heard every line that has kept me for years avoiding healing and keeping it all in a proverbial box.

the man involved was my father. my biological father. not my adoptive father or my foster father, or my stepfather, my bio father. somehow that makes it seem worse to some ppl. it does to me

It is awful, my councilor and therapists are both survivors and they said this is one of the worst kinds of perpetrators. Society and our religions teach us to love our parents, that is what begins one of biggest conflicts are minds are ever going to have to deal with. It is a battle that I am still dealing with today.

i'm worrying about how my mum will react, the more i think about it the more i think she already knew. it seems it was too obvious looking back to not know

I worried about how my mom would react and still do, when I tried "telling" at 13 she was angry, threatened and put a lot of guilt on me. As a matter of fact she still does 20 years later. That part is something that I am working hard on dealing with because my mom did know a long time prior to my dad telling her. (He was afraid that my husband would bring it up in court, keep in mind that was 13 years ago and my husband and I survived our ordeal and are a very strong couple) To this day my mother still tries to get me to understand where my father is coming from with all of years of abuse and claims that he didn't know any better. It is still said that he stopped it, when in fact I did by becoming less and less available. I still can't believe he takes the credit. As for my siblings, my younger sister claims she hit the abusive history head on. Don't think so, one she was very well protected by my mom and my younger brother left the house as soon as he could. Recently my mom has told me that my siblings didn't take a quarter of the abuse that I did. If I was suppose to find comfort in that...I haven't.

What I am trying to say is that you don't have to feel obligated to tell them, what you should feel obligated to do is heal. That doesn't mean to subject yourself to situations that involve your family and leave you vulnerable. Your main concern should be you.

As for flashbacks etc...I still am fighting through those. My therapist is going to teach me coping skills so that the flashbacks and nightmare etc are not as mentally mind blowing.

As for your teacher...that was a very moron-ish thing to say. Does that fit under ignorance is bliss?

Just remember this...you don't have to deal with it alone. I agree with everyone in regards to counciling. I have started about a month ago (after years of being not ready and dealing with therapist that I wasn't comfortable with) and I can say that it is the best thing that I have ever done for myself. I am excited about the opportunity to gain coping skills and feeling (which a few member know that I am having a tough time with that one). Here is what I was told by my therapist...my councilor and my therapist are guides, they will guide me through the dark forest and down the road I will start to like myself and feel stronger than I have ever felt before. Keep that in mind.

Sorry for rambling about myself, I could relate all too well.

Tira

[angelicarit]

I am a little surprised to see how many of us were victims of our biological father. Now I don't feel as much as a freak.

Willow~ I agree with everyone on when or if you want to confront your family, it is a tough thing to have to decide and the reproccussions are almost as devastating as the abuse itself. My father is the perpetrator of s*****, physical, and a lot of mental abuse. So believe me when I say that I understand. My mother is still with him and I have heard every line that has kept me for years avoiding healing and keeping it all in a proverbial box.

the man involved was my father. my biological father. not my adoptive father or my foster father, or my stepfather, my bio father. somehow that makes it seem worse to some ppl. it does to me

It is awful, my councilor and therapists are both survivors and they said this is one of the worst kinds of perpetrators. Society and our religions teach us to love our parents, that is what begins one of biggest conflicts are minds are ever going to have to deal with. It is a battle that I am still dealing with today.

i'm worrying about how my mum will react, the more i think about it the more i think she already knew. it seems it was too obvious looking back to not know

I worried about how my mom would react and still do, when I tried "telling" at 13 she was angry, threatened and put a lot of guilt on me. As a matter of fact she still does 20 years later. That part is something that I am working hard on dealing with because my mom did know a long time prior to my dad telling her. (He was afraid that my husband would bring it up in court, keep in mind that was 13 years ago and my husband and I survived our ordeal and are a very strong couple) To this day my mother still tries to get me to understand where my father is coming from with all of years of abuse and claims that he didn't know any better. It is still said that he stopped it, when in fact I did by becoming less and less available. I still can't believe he takes the credit. As for my siblings, my younger sister claims she hit the abusive history head on. Don't think so, one she was very well protected by my mom and my younger brother left the house as soon as he could. Recently my mom has told me that my siblings didn't take a quarter of the abuse that I did. If I was suppose to find comfort in that...I haven't.

What I am trying to say is that you don't have to feel obligated to tell them, what you should feel obligated to do is heal. That doesn't mean to subject yourself to situations that involve your family and leave you vulnerable. Your main concern should be you.

As for flashbacks etc...I still am fighting through those. My therapist is going to teach me coping skills so that the flashbacks and nightmare etc are not as mentally mind blowing.

As for your teacher...that was a very moron-ish thing to say. Does that fit under ignorance is bliss?

Just remember this...you don't have to deal with it alone. I agree with everyone in regards to counciling. I have started about a month ago (after years of being not ready and dealing with therapist that I wasn't comfortable with) and I can say that it is the best thing that I have ever done for myself. I am excited about the opportunity to gain coping skills and feeling (which a few member know that I am having a tough time with that one). Here is what I was told by my therapist...my councilor and my therapist are guides, they will guide me through the dark forest and down the road I will start to like myself and feel stronger than I have ever felt before. Keep that in mind.

Sorry for rambling about myself, I could relate all too well.

Tira

[Jessie]

Hi wilow welcome to after silence Jess

[bonnie]

Hiya weeping willow, im sorry you are going through this.

Im thinking of you welcome

[soulsofeckos]

hello (((willow))),

i am very new to this group as of today. i can understand you wanting to tell your family and stuff, and i totally commend you on doing so. my biological father also abused me, as well as the rest of my family.

i am not from the UK but from the US, and i don't know how they do therapy/counseling over there, but i believe that a few of the other members gave you some really great advice.

also, your professor/teacher seems to have no heart. for someone who is in the medical(?) field or close to it, she should be a little more understanding than what she is showing you. i'm also sorry for your depression. it is hard to go through life like this, but each day will get better and easier the more you talk about it and post within a group like this one.

i don't know what else to say...except that you have come to a good place for support and guidance.

also, talking to your parents is going to be tough...trust me...it is way more harder than we all would like it to be. i just recently got reunited with my father, and now i am deciding to stop talking to him again. he was convicted in 1996 for doing the same to my step-niece on her 10th birthday. when she told me, i never doubted her one bit. i did as she asked me to and that was to leave and go to my friend's house who's mother called the police to meet us there. that was one of the hardest days of my life. i love my dad and my family very much, but i can't stand what he did to her and me and my sister and my half-sister. i wanted to so say something to him, but i couldn't do it b/c he thinks that he's never done anything wrong. he thinks that he's innocent. so, i have just decided that i want nothing to do with him or his family ever again. ( for going into a tangent about this)

so, maybe talking to your mother first would be easier. it was for me, but she already knew; just didn't know how to confront me on it.

just know that if you can't do it, that you have a positive place to come to and talk about it.

soulsofeckos

Edited April 3, 2005 by soulsofeckos

[canadianmommy2004]

Welcome to AS. I am sorry for the abuse you suffered. I hope you find this site a good place to come vent, and to heal.

safe hugs

[Mommaofgirls]

I understand your need fully.

I am the Mom of Incest survivors.

My Husband, who is dead from an accident at the age of 41 fouteen months ago, abused by twin daughters, I believe it startzed when they were 4 and ended around their 6th Birthday when I found an Incest site in the history and he swore it must have been a banner cookie that dropped. 10 months after he died I found a drawing, of oral sex. I asked my girls and found out that yes, their father abused them. I don't have much information, will have to wait untill they are ready to talk more about it.

My *husband* was the love of his Moms life, the idol of his little brother. The pain and anger I felt keeping this lie to myself, sort of covering up for him made me ill, made me ANGRY.

I told my sister in law in the beginning, last week she told his Brother. Our childrens Godparents know, they were his closest friends. I feel so much better now knowing this secret is no longer mine. I will never tell his Mother, not because it would break her but because I am afraid she will in time approach my girls with disbelief. It is them I am protecting, not her.

I understand the need to tell the Family. It offers a release, opens up a door for support.

I also know my girls are *alive* again since this came out in the open. I never understood the little things that always seemed *odd* about them. I was never able to figure out why I could never fing harmony in the family. SDOOOO many questions are now answered now that I know. I hope that you too will be able to start to recover when you are able to open up to your family.

Wishing you a life of frienship and love.

Heather