Hi. I Am New And Need Advice Please.

[keithtutor]

My twin daughters were abused by my father about 10 years ago when they were 10. At the time one daughter brought this to the light and it went to court. For various reasons he got off. The other daughter did not remember anything at the time but has recently informed the police that she now remembers and they are investigating. My father is now 84.

Partly as a result of the case my wife and I divorced... I was blamed for allowing the chuldren to be alone with my father although there was no indication that anything was wrong. I had a very difiicult year following that. Both daughters would not talk to me as I was the 'bad' guy despite the fact I had done nothing wrong. Eventually we sorted all that out and had a number of years which went ok. Then, over a year ago one of my daughters stopped having anything to do with me. She wont answer or respond to any form of contact. The spark was me refusing to give her a large amount of money for boots but I do not know whether that is the real reason. The other daughter and I have a good relationship and she does not know why the other will not respond.

The complication is that I still have some contact with my father. I have always found it difficult to understand how he could do such thing and know that I will never find out if I have no contact with him. He continues to deny it. Additionally I am struggling with the emotional aspect of losing my father but him still being around. Make sense? Both daughters now know I have contact with him albeit a couple of times a year. One understands, the other , I dont know.

I am not sure whether I should have any contact with him, for their sake. Can I expect them to understand how I am also a victim in this? Can they still understand how much they mean to me? Not sure what to do. Advice would be great. thankyou

[whimsical1]

Welcome to AS.

[cutealanna]

HI ya and welcome to AS I think you brave coming on here and sharing your story about your daughters. First of all you have to understand because your girls were abused by you father first of all they are try to work it out in their own heads what happened and prob have alot of fear of men,trust issues and i think to be honest they are hurt you are still in contact with your dad think about it they were abused by your father and you seeing him makes it ok they were abused .

Being a parent to a son myself if my father touched my son i am telling ya i would do more than cutting ties with him for the sake of your daughters cut ties it shows them you side with them and to be honest you love you dad but he was so so wrong to touch the girls and its your job to protect them and if you are in contact with your da then not only have they lost their grandda they wanted you to be on their side for them rethink what you are doing and may be a huge reason why your other daughter wont talk to you i wish you luck but if you were my dad i would be angry and think you oue it to the girls to say sorry and you are cutting your father out of your life be strong for them we are the parents show them what a good parent is like . Sorry if you think i am being tough on ya but being a girl and putting myself in their shoes its how i would feel . you have taken a great step as a dad to come on here and ask for help well done wishing you all the best

[whitedove]

Hi there,

I read this and felt the need to respond as much as I could in some way that helps you. I am a twin myself. My father abused me, and my twin sister and another sister and other girls. I told my mum when I was about 16-17. She did nothing. I did not hear a word from her about it for years. Years later, I decided to say something to my mother and father. At this time, my mother, who was not the abuser, supported my father, even though he confessed, said he did this to many girls. In my eyes I could not associate with my mother. Why should she support a known person like this. How could she do that to me as a person? I knew I would have to sit there and listen to talk about a father who, I saw as a clear monster in such nice undertones. I continued on with my sisters, and started hearing such wonderful stories about this person. I just gave up in the end. They may be my family, but not only did I not want to be associate with them, where is there support in me? Years of abuse is not nice to deal with, and coupled on top of that is lack of support.

The "deathly silence" around this as well. ie even though they said nothing the fact that I knew they were still visiting him and what not was just really sickening. He abused me for many years. Your daughters will be dealing with the after effects for MANY years to come, spending money on therapists, drs visits, it will have severe repurcussions on their relationships.

I have in the past few years lost my twin sister to this too. Because she supported him, and continued a relationship. They were supporting a known abuser, someone who had done this too them, and could possibly be continuing on. For my own mental health and well being, I had to leave them.

In years to come, your daughters are going to ask if they have not already, why did my dad not support me at this time, and why did he support a guy that r*ped me possibly for years? If not, their husbands or signifcant others are.

Your daughters are not at fault and neither are you. You did not know this was happening. Have you thought of counselling or reading books on the issue?

Hope this helps.

Edited March 31, 2009 by whitedove

[sisterinsurvival]

Hi,

My name is Lynn, and I am a member of the New Member Support Team. I just wanted to take the time to say welcome to After Silence. Your situation is quite difficult. I hope in someway the boards will help you sort through everything.

I am glad that you have joined with us and look forward to getting to know you. If you need anything or have questions about the boards or how something works, please send me a personal message. I will gladly help in any way possible...also if you need someone to listen, let me know.

Take care,

[stardusthealer]

Hi there!

I read your post and felt I had to respond. About 11 mths ago we found out that our sons who at the time were 4 & 6 were sexually assaulted by my daughters best friends 13 yr old step-brother. Although these people were not family we had become good friends with them and my dh works with the step father so he had to see him everyday at work(for the time being cause we are having the military move us for the kids sake). At first he would still come around to visit with dh. I had him ask him not to come around because it was hurting me and the kids to see him as a reminder of what his stepson had done to my boys. Once the boys saw that he wasn't coming around anymore they became less afraid. You staying in contact with you father is like saying yes he molested you but its okay cause he is my father. If I were you I would cut contact with him. He may be your father but he violated your daughters and In my opinion they need you more than your father they were the ones that were hurt in this not him. Your daughters need your support in this. This is a long and hard road with lots of ups and downs. If I were you I would get yourself some counselling as well.

Edited March 31, 2009 by stardusthealer

[azazo]

Hello, I am sorry for the pain in your family. I didn't read the other responses, so sorry if I repeat something that has been said.

I think that there is so much that you may not understand about your daughters, and anger may come and go many times. If they are not in therapy or have to pay for it themselves, this could have some connection to the 'boot incident' or perhaps, she may feel that she is entitled to anything she wants because she was hurt. I could be totally wrong, and probably am, just a suggestion. (I also realize it isn't really rational, but sometimes we aren't rational)

As far as you having a relationship with your dad, I would say that THAT is or could be a huge source of pain for your girls. My mom has contact with her dad, my abuser and it makes me feel like she chooses him over me, or that I don't matter or my suffering isn't as bad as I feel it is. Your father will never admit what he did so I think you saying you want an explanation is somewhat of an excuse, maybe not consciously, I really don't mean this to sound offensive, but I know that it is hard to give up a parent.

As far as saying you are a victim too, I do agree that sexual abuse destroys entire families, but I don't know if your girls hearing you feel that way would help you or them in any way. What hurts most for survivors is often not the abuse itself, but the way others in the family react or treat them about it. They may feel that as dad, you should have noticed some red flags, or done more to help them, even if you did everything you thought you could do.

I think one thing that you can do would be to stop all contact with your father, even if you think it isn't fair or doesn't make sense, this is for your daughters, not for you or your dad. You won't ever get your answers from him, and your girls need you more than anything. Even tho you realistically can't, they need you to feel what they feel, they need you to be compassionate in every aspect of their aftermath. (so many of us don't get this) They need you to be their champion and defender. Stick up for them and confront anyone who says what they 'should or shouldn't' be feeling or doing.

They are still young girls, and at almost 39 years old, I have new issues popping up left and right because of my abuse. They may overcome one aspect of their aftermath, to find a new one surface a few years down the line. Relationships with men will have problems, some they don't necessarily connect with their abuse right away. So you will always need to be there for them and expect that this process of healing may be a lifelong thing. Don't expect them to 'get over it' or 'move on' because that doesn't happen. What will happen is they can learn to cope with it in healthy ways, but they will never forget. Not what happened, and not what everyone in their life did in response to it.

You also may want to consider counseling, you went thru trauma too in this situation and having someone to unload on is important for you and the girls. You need to be strong for you to be strong for them.

I'm really sorry!!! I hope I made some sense. Take care.

[keithtutor]

Hello, I am sorry for the pain in your family. I didn't read the other responses, so sorry if I repeat something that has been said.

I think that there is so much that you may not understand about your daughters, and anger may come and go many times. If they are not in therapy or have to pay for it themselves, this could have some connection to the 'boot incident' or perhaps, she may feel that she is entitled to anything she wants because she was hurt. I could be totally wrong, and probably am, just a suggestion. (I also realize it isn't really rational, but sometimes we aren't rational)

As far as you having a relationship with your dad, I would say that THAT is or could be a huge source of pain for your girls. My mom has contact with her dad, my abuser and it makes me feel like she chooses him over me, or that I don't matter or my suffering isn't as bad as I feel it is. Your father will never admit what he did so I think you saying you want an explanation is somewhat of an excuse, maybe not consciously, I really don't mean this to sound offensive, but I know that it is hard to give up a parent.

As far as saying you are a victim too, I do agree that sexual abuse destroys entire families, but I don't know if your girls hearing you feel that way would help you or them in any way. What hurts most for survivors is often not the abuse itself, but the way others in the family react or treat them about it. They may feel that as dad, you should have noticed some red flags, or done more to help them, even if you did everything you thought you could do.

I think one thing that you can do would be to stop all contact with your father, even if you think it isn't fair or doesn't make sense, this is for your daughters, not for you or your dad. You won't ever get your answers from him, and your girls need you more than anything. Even tho you realistically can't, they need you to feel what they feel, they need you to be compassionate in every aspect of their aftermath. (so many of us don't get this) They need you to be their champion and defender. Stick up for them and confront anyone who says what they 'should or shouldn't' be feeling or doing.

They are still young girls, and at almost 39 years old, I have new issues popping up left and right because of my abuse. They may overcome one aspect of their aftermath, to find a new one surface a few years down the line. Relationships with men will have problems, some they don't necessarily connect with their abuse right away. So you will always need to be there for them and expect that this process of healing may be a lifelong thing. Don't expect them to 'get over it' or 'move on' because that doesn't happen. What will happen is they can learn to cope with it in healthy ways, but they will never forget. Not what happened, and not what everyone in their life did in response to it.

You also may want to consider counseling, you went thru trauma too in this situation and having someone to unload on is important for you and the girls. You need to be strong for you to be strong for them.

I'm really sorry!!! I hope I made some sense. Take care.

Many thanks for the advice. Its what I needed to hear and echoes other responses. I have a new starting point for supporting my girls. Good luck and take care also.

[keithtutor]

Hi there!

I read your post and felt I had to respond. About 11 mths ago we found out that our sons who at the time were 4 & 6 were sexually assaulted by my daughters best friends 13 yr old step-brother. Although these people were not family we had become good friends with them and my dh works with the step father so he had to see him everyday at work(for the time being cause we are having the military move us for the kids sake). At first he would still come around to visit with dh. I had him ask him not to come around because it was hurting me and the kids to see him as a reminder of what his stepson had done to my boys. Once the boys saw that he wasn't coming around anymore they became less afraid. You staying in contact with you father is like saying yes he molested you but its okay cause he is my father. If I were you I would cut contact with him. He may be your father but he violated your daughters and In my opinion they need you more than your father they were the ones that were hurt in this not him. Your daughters need your support in this. This is a long and hard road with lots of ups and downs. If I were you I would get yourself some counselling as well.

Many thanks for the advice. Its what I needed to hear and echoes other responses. I have a new starting point for supporting my girls. Good luck and take care also.

[keithtutor]

Hi there,

I read this and felt the need to respond as much as I could in some way that helps you. I am a twin myself. My father abused me, and my twin sister and another sister and other girls. I told my mum when I was about 16-17. She did nothing. I did not hear a word from her about it for years. Years later, I decided to say something to my mother and father. At this time, my mother, who was not the abuser, supported my father, even though he confessed, said he did this to many girls. In my eyes I could not associate with my mother. Why should she support a known person like this. How could she do that to me as a person? I knew I would have to sit there and listen to talk about a father who, I saw as a clear monster in such nice undertones. I continued on with my sisters, and started hearing such wonderful stories about this person. I just gave up in the end. They may be my family, but not only did I not want to be associate with them, where is there support in me? Years of abuse is not nice to deal with, and coupled on top of that is lack of support.

The "deathly silence" around this as well. ie even though they said nothing the fact that I knew they were still visiting him and what not was just really sickening. He abused me for many years. Your daughters will be dealing with the after effects for MANY years to come, spending money on therapists, drs visits, it will have severe repurcussions on their relationships.

I have in the past few years lost my twin sister to this too. Because she supported him, and continued a relationship. They were supporting a known abuser, someone who had done this too them, and could possibly be continuing on. For my own mental health and well being, I had to leave them.

In years to come, your daughters are going to ask if they have not already, why did my dad not support me at this time, and why did he support a guy that r*ped me possibly for years? If not, their husbands or signifcant others are.

Your daughters are not at fault and neither are you. You did not know this was happening. Have you thought of counselling or reading books on the issue?

Hope this helps.

Many thanks for the advice. Its what I needed to hear and echoes other responses. I have a new starting point for supporting my girls. Good luck and take care also.

[keithtutor]

HI ya and welcome to AS I think you brave coming on here and sharing your story about your daughters. First of all you have to understand because your girls were abused by you father first of all they are try to work it out in their own heads what happened and prob have alot of fear of men,trust issues and i think to be honest they are hurt you are still in contact with your dad think about it they were abused by your father and you seeing him makes it ok they were abused .

Being a parent to a son myself if my father touched my son i am telling ya i would do more than cutting ties with him for the sake of your daughters cut ties it shows them you side with them and to be honest you love you dad but he was so so wrong to touch the girls and its your job to protect them and if you are in contact with your da then not only have they lost their grandda they wanted you to be on their side for them rethink what you are doing and may be a huge reason why your other daughter wont talk to you i wish you luck but if you were my dad i would be angry and think you oue it to the girls to say sorry and you are cutting your father out of your life be strong for them we are the parents show them what a good parent is like . Sorry if you think i am being tough on ya but being a girl and putting myself in their shoes its how i would feel . you have taken a great step as a dad to come on here and ask for help well done wishing you all the best

Many thanks for the advice. Its what I needed to hear and echoes other responses. I have a new starting point for supporting my girls. Good luck and take care also.

[stephLL]

Hi

Im so sorry for what you are going through and truly hope that knowing you are not alone in what you are going through helps you in your struggle? Abuse really does reach so much further than just the person abused and has many victims.

I was abused by my father but my twin sister wasnt, it totally divided my family and continues to do so to this day. Half on my side and half on his side. But in my case I was the one who didnt sever contact with him. I cant exlain why. I can understand your need for answers from your father but I can also see why your daughters may feel you have taken his side.

I think you are also a victim in this, youve lost contact with a daughter and a father. My mum carried around so much guilt, thinking it was her fault, she should have known etc and I cant imagine what that is like for her to live with, she was a victim to. One persons actions against another affected the whole family and will do forever.

I dont really know what advice to offer, maybe put it all in a letter to your daughter, explaining why you maintained contact and how it has affected you. I always find letters easier as you dont get sidetracked and it cant become confrontational.

I hope everything works out for you and your family.

Steph xxx

[whitedove]

Hi Kevin,

Good on you for supporting your girls. If they are not already, send them to a specialist rape crisis center, who specialises in this, ie someone who is a specialist. Also, a book called courage to heal is good and also for you, allies in healing which is for partners but is good for people who love survivors as well.

Also give your girls links to the following sites:

www.aftersilence.org

www.pandys.org

www.healingthroughcreativity.org

www.malesurvivors.org

so they can connect and talk with other survivors and not feel so alone.

Thanks

[melissa]

Hi,

I guess this is kind of late. And perhaps it's not much help, because it's basically going to echo what other posts have said. But, I know in my situation, my mother sided with my abuser (who was not in my family), and refused to take me out of the school where he was. Now, I love my mother dearly, and I know it's not her fault that I was abused. But as my mother, I expected her to protect me. My abuser hurt me once, I told my Mom, and she did nothing. Then he hurt me 3 more times before the school year finally ended.

Again, I don't blame my mother, but I wanted her to save me. I ended up having to move out of my mother's house, and sever contact for awhile, so that I could process what happened in what I felt was a safer environment. Because she didn't protect me then, I didn't think she would if anything else ever happened. Perhaps your daughters are feeling something similar. Please, don't take this the wrong way, I am NOT, DEFINITELY NOT saying it was your fault, because as you said, you are a victim here, but as children we want our parents to protect us from things that are too big for us to handle. If it was indeed you that arranged visits with their abuser than perhaps they are feeling a little angry.

I see my Mom regularly now, I always spend the night Saturday. But it took awhile to reach that point. I had to heal a little bit (through MUCH therapy), and she had to agree to some terms/boundaries. I would recommend therapy for your daughters. Also, there are some really good reading materials, and I believe whitedove recommended some websites.

Umm...I really hope this helped, and if you have any more questions, or am confused by anything i said (sometimes I don't make much sense) PM me.

Good luck on your journey,

take care,

melissa