Step 1 Jumping The Hurdle

[fall]

Hi my name is Pam I am 39 and I am a sexual assault, r*pe, and incest survivor

I have been on AS for almost a year and 1/2 and I know I have never said that before. I can tell you what has been done to me, but from a disconnectedness if that makes sense.

I am trying to change that I hope it is as important as the Courage to Heal book says.

[sunshinee]

It totally makes sense to me Pam! I'm glad you could share with us that today and even though it is from the disconnectedness- it's still a step.

[dodo]

Being able to share this in any kind of way is a huge achievement.

best wishes

karen

[azazo]

It is important Pam, I am glad you are starting to take that step.

[whimsical1]

Pam, and welcome to AS!

[sisterinsurvival]

Pam, I am proud of you in this step that you have made in your journey to healing.

Stay strong,

[feona27]

way to go pam.. its hard sharing and you should be proud of yourself.

[angelic]

Hi hun, proud of you also, and glad to be your friend

[oui,mais]

:hug: I am proud of you hun and i am always here for you!! :hug:

[fall]

Thank you everyone.

Ever since I joined here. I wanted to be able to say something and never knew what the "right" thing was to say.

I guess it is not what we say, how we say it, the important part is that we don't remain silent

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[azazo]

RIGHT ON!! And you say tons of wonderful things to other people by the way.

[AWhisperofTruth]

Good for you, Pam! I know it's hard to acknowledge it, especially to someone else. I also know how you can talk about it but be disconnected from it.

You're very strong!

All my support and love from your sister in survival.

[SPQR]

Hang in there Pam. It's a hard first step but you've got a lot of courage in making it.

[John]

I agree with everyone here, this is a tremendous achievement. Kudos to you

[fall]

:hug: :hug:

Thank you azazo that means alot especially right now. I used to have friends on here that would keep me in check. Sure they were complimentary but they would also tell me if I crossed a line. I miss them. I appreciate your comments because I figure you would be someone who would have no trouble telling me if I stepped in it.

Whisper

Thank you for that. It is hard because I "know" because the evidence is there in symptoms and signs and yet I doubt. I wonder how could I have forgotten this. Then I explain to myself that my forgetting is a form of evidence itself. Then I wonder how could I have gone through that and not feel anything. It is such a merry go round. I think there is a legal term to use the proof to prove something.

Nothing in this process is simple. I always think the things that saved us then are our biggest obstacles now.

Oh this process is hard. I was re reading and realized I didn't put it in the first person. I know sometimes I use we/us to feel the connection but I think sometimes it is to distance myself from it a bit. Sort of like yeah I can relate but.....

What a horrible thing this is.

I wanted to say thanks to all those who said they are proud of me.

I am trying to rotate my head around that. It seems like an odd thing to be proud of saying something so bad.

But not one to give up I am going to give it a shot and hope it sticks

I am proud of myself because I won't be silent

I am proud of myself because I believe I have the right to speak my truth

I am proud of myself because in speaking my truth I reject what you wanted me to believe

I am proud of myself because breaking the silence means it does stop with me

I am proud of myself because it takes strength to break silence ( I always thought my grandmother was the strongest woman I know, she looked perfect to me, she was my hero but it does not take strength to live in a fairy tale land it just takes fear)

I am proud of myself because no matter how hard it is I DON'T QUIT

I am proud of myself because no matter how lonely it gets I will not go back to that

I am proud of myself because I don't ask why anymore

I am proud of myself because I may not get through this today but I believe in myself enough (finally) to believe that day will come.

Thanks for listening ~ breathe ~ breathe ~

[azazo]

GO GO GO GO GO !!!!

[aperson]

The first step is always the hardest.

[Hellion]

Thanks for sharing with us. I think everyone will agree that speaking is the most difficult thing.

[Loulou]

Wow Fall this made me cry but not a bad cry a healing cry. I love you so much and am so proud of you. You so deserve to heal and I am glad you are on that journey.

You are such an awesome friend! Totally here to back you on your journey and be your strenght, ear or cheerleader whatever you may need. Today I am the cheerleader!!!!