Need Advice

[Rosebudish]

Hi, it's been quite awhile sense my last post, I've been doing ok...... I do need some advice on how to proceed with a friend's son. He was "attacked" is how he put it but an older man at college. I have no other details but he has sense stopped going to school, blew off an entire sememster, and did say he "didn't want to leave the house or see anyone so he didn't go to class". He called the police, and we've seen the police blotter to confirm that, but said "they didn't come back"when asked if he filed the report. He has sense, dropped out of school and wishes to join the Army, but essentially has shut out his family, lied, has no money (that we know of), and well, basically is changing. We all know what that's about....... or I can speculate. Do I reach out and tell him I know, that I've been abused and how it wasn't his fault.....etc. Do I dare? His mother is my best friend and she favers on if she'd like me to reach out. I don't wish to cause more family pain, but I fear this young man is (21) is running and could become yet another messed up person due to someone's sickness.

Help!!!

[Survivors sanctuary]

I'm not sure what to suggest .. He may not want to hear what you have to say of course, I know I would have run a mile the opposite direction at 21 ..

Sorry I really can't think of much more to say .. Hopefully others might have some ideas ..

:hug:

[Rosebudish]

I'm not sure what to suggest .. He may not want to hear what you have to say of course, I know I would have run a mile the opposite direction at 21 ..

Sorry I really can't think of much more to say .. Hopefully others might have some ideas ..

:hug:

My feelings exactly....... I'm torn .... I'm going to do a bit of shopping and will return later. I've been sitting on this for a month, and still haven't come up with an answer. I just hate to see another human life screwed up by those thoughts to creep in and mess up one's head..... as mine do in times of dispare. I just want to reach out to him and give him the support Iwasn't given when it was me, but fear him feeling worse by me knowing....... ugh!

[Rosebudish]

I guess no one has any more answers than I did. I feel for this young man..... I love this young man like my son but sadly in this situation, I don't know what to say or not say. I thought here I'd find a reasonable answer for some approach......... but alas it has not come. For me, the worst part of my abuse was that my family shoved it under the rug, asked my why I let it happen, and essentially made me feel like I caused it. I spent a good 30 years running, ducking, and hiding from my feelings, the one who abused me, reliving my "wonderful" childhood in acting out in many ways, and years avoiding getting to close to anyone. I've tortured myself feeling I don't deserve to be happy.... pushing away people and revisiting why it is I do that. All the therapy in the world hasn't stopped me from feeling like I, somehow, deserve to be pushed aside. I put a lot of effort, when I was 19, to stay with a physically abusive man, 7 years on and off in an affair with "the one" that I truly thought cared and was compatible with me while knowing no man who won't leave his wife but sticks by his confused "girlfriend" who pops in and out of his life is not looking for "the one" but a way to add excitement to his own boring life. What was I thinking? I saw him the other day, still seems like, like maybe he was the "one" while I was shopping with the one who has stuck by me through all my torment for 20 years. If he even knew it would crush him........ all while trying to avoid getting to close to someone, anyone, because I still somehow feel being pushed aside, dismissed somehow is how I should be treated. I've put my sights into stop pushing people aside especially my husband, focusing on me, my future, and not what my parents thought I about me or how they felt I somehow caused my abuse. It's a journey a continual journey that I would like to stop dealing with? Anyway, geeze, guess I had a lot to say today, maybe I'm just pushing my thoughts onto this young man's experience. Maybe by getting the validation I didn't will keep his self worth intact. I know my friend loves her boy and will be there for him.........

[Survivors sanctuary]

I had a think about this overnight, and ....

Have you thought about writing to him? Sometimes it's easier to reach people through words on a page .. In a way that's what AS and other similar sites do .. OK, it's an electronic page, but how often do we manage to write what we are feeling rather than say it out loud, and I think more important in this case .. How often do we find it easier to read something rather than hear it .. Maybe even offer links to online sites so he has that option if he wants it ...

That way, you have tried to open the door .... And at the very least even if the young man doesn't respond straight away he will know you are there for him .. And he will know it is both you and your friend there for him .. Maybe even a joint letter from the two of you so he knows that his Mother has empathy for you and will not turn away from him ..

Good luck, please let us know how it goes ..

:hug: :hug:

Edited December 22, 2008 by Survivors sanctuary

[Rosebudish]

Thank you for your responce.

I have thought of writing him, many times. I imagine I'll do nothing in the long run, his mom and I have talked and I've told her how important it is to be there, validate his fears, feelings, and listen (without reactions if she can). It's a fine line, fighting my anger in how dare someone hurt him and wanting to reach out to him and knowing what a private matter it is and that he might be horrified if he knew I knew fearing it would push him farther. I've told my friend she can tell him about me, if she finds an open window and let him know I'll be there for him if he wished to talk, I guess that's all I should do.

I think I might finally be healing myself, at 40 something. Normally this type of thing would send me into pushing people away, searching my current and past, and quite possibly ruin the holiday season for my family with outward anger (hidden in sharp remarks and intolerance), but I'm actually okay, or better. The above post was my way to let it out..... writing (as you said) does wonders.

I'll keep this young man in my daily prayers, be the supportive friend, and wait, he may need me someday.