Hey, Im New Too

[Guest beth]

Hey all, im new here too.

What sorta age is everyone in here? It doesn't matter to me, but a while ago, i tried signing up to a thing similar to this site, only i got an email from the administrator saying that i was too young and it was an adult only site. Is there any sort of age limit on this site? I am 16.

Beth x

[Charlene]

welcome hugs

im 17. i dont think there is an age limit here, but im not sure.

~charlene~

Edited January 20, 2005 by Fiery_Faerie

[Ardatha]

Welcome to After Silence, Beth.

We have several members who are fifteen and sixteen years old. I don't konw if there are any younger than that, though. So, I think you've come to the right place. I'm fifty-two and probably one fo the oldest members here but I think there are a couple that might be older than me. (Actually I refer to my age as 18 with 34 years of experience.) It could be worse, I suppose. I could refer to my age in dog years, like a boss I had once did. ;) I'm certainly glad you found us, although I'm sorry you had a reason to do sol

Ardatha

[Donna]

(((((Beth))))))

Welcome to After Silence sweetheart, as the other two have said there are many different age groups of people here even many of your own. Im kind of in the middle age brackett, im 27.

Anyways, post away and know that we are here for you.

:hug:

Donna =)

[Guest beth]

i wont bore you with the tremendously long story of mine at the moment..

i just need some advice for a recent thing that has been going on..

i was sexually abused when i was 12 and i was raped 4 months ago...iv been diagnosed with depression and post traumatic stress disorder.

i have a great friend, who is probably the only person i can talk to, but i think she is feeling the strain of..well..me..

she talked me through it, and my options, she came with me to the family planning clinic to get me emergency contraception, she came with me for STD tests, she helped me get help from a counsellor, but when the couselling wasnt working for me, she helped me find an alternative, she came with me when i felt it would help if i went back to the place where the rape happened...she is amazing...

she has told me that she hates it that she cant do anything more to help me...i tell her alot and try to reassure her that just listening to me and being my friend means more than anything to me right now..but she still feels the pressure and the hatred of "not being able to help me". once she was feeling the pressure so much, that she had a go at me, i know she didnt mean it, and we made it up after she got things off her chest, and she went back to being the best friend that she is. and i thought to myself that is fair enough as i must be hard to deal with, but it upset me too...i felt i was losing the only person i had...and iv got into a similar situation today with her..

this causes me to hold back from calling her when im distressed or depressed...she says that shes here for me "always", but i worry that i overload her, if you know what i mean.

does anyone have any advice? i dont know what to say to her to comfort her, or to make her see, or to show her that im sorry...

anything at all?

i dont know what il do if i lose her now..dammit

[impetuous angel]

don't be sorry--it's hard for other people around-yes--but you have enough to take care of yourself--i mean hopefully you will fish around and find answers to help you but just know it takes time and it is a strain and especially hard for a friend-i'm guessing your age to deal with --and maybe someone can show you what can help for support people --but just don't blame yourself--

oh and hi--i'm 25, and i'm pretty new at dealing with things too so i don't know if i can say anything much to help you except that if you want to talk or something i'm here ..

[Heavensent]

:inn: Hi Beth,

Welcome to AS. I am so sorry that you are going through what you are, and I am sorry for the things that have happened to you. I hope that dealing with it at such a young age will enable you to heal sooner. I am 62 years old, and I can say that healing is not easy, but it is worth it. I am glad that you found this place. People here understand that you need to talk, cry, vent, express your thoughts and feelings. We also understand that sometimes it takes longer than we would like, but it just can't be helped. I am so glad that you have such a good friend. True friendship as does any relationship has its ups and downs. Perhaps you could find a group. In the meantime, this is a good place to come to when you need to talk, vent, rage, or just need to express. You can do it as much as you want or as little. You sound like a very intelligent girl, and you are doing all you can to assure your friend, and help yourself. She is a friend, not a therapist. Hope things work out well for you. We are here for you.

[Survivors sanctuary]

Welcome to AS, I'm afraid I can't think of anything to help you right now, having another mind blank but I hope it works out for you and you are always welcome to post and vent here if you need too ......

[angelicarit]

Welcome, I have only been hear a couple of days. I think the people on here are so supportive, so you found a great place. I am 33 and having been dealing with being molested since I was 12 which didn't end until I was 17 and I had a best friend similiar to yours. I agree with what everyone said, I know you think that it becomes a burden on your friend, I did too. But I think most of it is our guilt. My best friend helped me recognize what was happening because at that time these kind of things were very hush-hush. Talking about it is healing (as a couple of people have already told me at AS) and I have already seen that on some of the people on here.

I do have a question. Do your parents know? Because I wish I could have started some sort of therapy earlier. My circumstanses wouldn't allow that. I do agree that as wonderful as your friend sounds, a therapist can help you with the aftermath. I have been dealing with it for 21 years and I can tell you that I deal with it in one way or another every day. Therapy or counsiling can give you the tools to help deal with it. Some days are easy and other...I wish I would have find AS years ago, it is so wonderful knowing that you are not alone and knowing that the feelings you have are normal for someone with our experiences. You couldn't have come to a better place. If you need to talk you can email me or PM me.

Tira

[tealight rookie]

(((Beth)))

Hi honey, and welcome to AS. There is no age limit here, as others have said, and between us we span many years (and much experience!) I am 28 - but only for 3 more days eeeeeeekkkkk!

I'm so sorry for what you have gone through, but so glad that you have such a good friend to help you through. I think, regarding your question, the best thing you both can do is to be honest with one another, and to respect each other. It sounds very much like you are doing that already though, so I really don't think you risk losing her...

Take good care.

Ruthie

[Ardatha]

(((Beth)))

Your friend sounds like the perfect best friend and I can understand your concern about driving her way. True, it can be overwhelming to be the friend of someone who's gone through what you have. While she's being a wonderful friend I can almost guarantee that she wishes there were some way she could take your pain away. Of course, she can't do that so it makes her feel frustrated and useless. I think, to preserve your friendship, you need to try to rely on her as little as possible - using other resources (such as your therapist and this forum) so she doesn't feel so overwhelmed.

This is not to say that you shouldn't turn to her for help and support sometimes because if you quit completely she may feel you're dropping the friendship. Another thing would be to find some way to say, "Thank you." to her. Buy her lunch once in a while or maybe a small gift of appreciation. It doesn't have to be much, maybe just flowers or a card. Then tell her how much her friendship means to you, not just for her support through a difficult time, but over all. And call her, sometimes, not for support but just a friend caring about another friend type thing. She was your friend before all this started and doing that should let her know that there is more to your friendship now than focusing on your experiences.

Sometimes, as the friend of a survivor you feel so helpless because what you want more than anything in the world is to take away their pain. It's difficult to accept that, as a friend, you really can't do that. She has certainly demonstrated her desire to do that and it sounds like she feels she's failing you sometimes. That's why it is important to let her know the rest of the friendship is still there and you value it as well. Call her sometimes just to ask how things are going in her world. Chat about other things, if you can. If you are able to do that it might relieve her of some of the pressure she's feeling as your friend, yet unable to help you in the way she would like to.

I do know when people care about us, they want to be able to help us all the way. They will feel anger for you at your abusers. Communication is incredibly important here. Let her know that you care about what is happening in her life as much as she cares about what is happening in yours. Sometimes we ask too much of our friends when we keep trying to focus on our situation to the exclusion of their problems and concerns. Frequently I hear that from friends of survivors that the survivor keeps taking and never giving anything in return. In some ways, friendship is like marriage... there are two people involved and if it becomes one sided the other will possibly resent feeling like their life isn't important to the friend.

Sorry for rambling on here. These are just some thoughts to try to help you preserve a friendship that's obviously important to you. Keep us posted on how it's going.

Ardatha

Edited January 21, 2005 by Ardatha

[1dark_angel4]

Welcome to AS Beth,

As for the age limit Im 15 so I'm probably the youngest not sure but I dont think theres anyone here whos younger......and for your friend well Adartha said it very well......dont really have much anything to say.....

[dopey]

welcome to AS beth

i hope that AS helps you, even if its only a little....a litle goes a long way...

its so nice to hear that you have such a good friend. she sounds lovely.

i think ardatha has said pretty much everything i would of said as far as advice goes....

i hope youre friendship grows even more stronger....

take care and hello!

dopey xxx

[Guest beth]

:inn: Hi Beth,

Welcome to AS. I am so sorry that you are going through what you are, and I am sorry for the things that have happened to you. I hope that dealing with it at such a young age will enable you to heal sooner. I am 62 years old, and I can say that healing is not easy, but it is worth it.  I am glad that you found this place.  People here understand that you need to talk, cry, vent, express your thoughts and feelings.  We also understand that sometimes it takes longer than we would like, but it just can't be helped.  I am so glad that you have such a good friend.  True friendship as does any relationship has its ups and downs. Perhaps you could find a group.  In the meantime, this is a good place to come to when you need to talk, vent, rage, or just need to express.  You can do it as much as you want or as little.  You sound like a very intelligent girl, and you are doing all you can to assure your friend, and help yourself.  She is a friend, not a therapist.  Hope things work out well for you.  We are here for you.  

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thank you

About the group thing, i was in a group of friends which didnt include my true friend, but i got "ditched" by the group, and there reason was "hanging out wasnt working and that i look for sympathy too much"...this hurt alot, my counseller had said that being open with friends i can trust about the counselling i was getting, would help for them to understand...but no...they just said i was a "sympathy seeker"...

my true friend told me she thought that the only reason they had "ditched" me was because they had never experienced real pain before, therefore, they didnt know how to deal with me so they ran away from it all...

do you think my friend is right?

[Guest beth]

(((Beth)))

Your friend sounds like the perfect best friend and I can understand your concern about driving her way.  True, it can be overwhelming to be the friend of someone who's gone through what you have.  While she's being a wonderful friend I can almost guarantee that she wishes there were some way she could take your pain away.  Of course, she can't do that so it makes her feel frustrated and useless.  I think, to preserve your friendship, you need to try to rely on her as little as possible - using other resources (such as your therapist and this forum) so she doesn't feel so overwhelmed. 

This is not to say that you shouldn't turn to her for help and support sometimes because if you quit completely she may feel you're dropping the friendship.  Another thing would be to find some way to say, "Thank you." to her.  Buy her lunch once in a while or maybe a small gift of appreciation.  It doesn't have to be much, maybe just flowers or a card.  Then tell her how much her friendship means to you, not just for her support through a difficult time, but over all.  And call her, sometimes,  not for support but just a friend caring about another friend type thing.  She was your friend before all this started and doing that should let her know that there is more to your friendship now than focusing on your experiences. 

Sometimes, as the friend of a survivor you feel so helpless because what you want more than anything in the world is to take away their pain.  It's difficult to accept that, as a friend, you really can't do that.  She has certainly demonstrated her desire to do that and it sounds like she feels she's failing you sometimes.  That's why it is important to let her know the rest of the friendship is still there and you value it as well.  Call her sometimes just to ask how things are going in her world.  Chat about other things, if you can.  If you are able to do that it might relieve her of some of the pressure she's feeling as your friend, yet unable to help you in the way she would like to.

I do know when people care about us, they want to be able to help us all the way.  They will feel anger for you at your abusers.  Communication is incredibly important here.  Let her know that you care about what is happening in her life as much as she cares about what is happening in yours.  Sometimes we ask too much of our friends when we keep trying to focus on our situation to the exclusion of their problems and concerns.  Frequently I hear that from friends of survivors that the survivor keeps taking and never giving anything in return.  In some ways, friendship is like marriage... there are two people involved and if it becomes one sided the other will possibly resent feeling like their life isn't important to the friend. 

Sorry for rambling on here.  These are just some thoughts to try to help you preserve a friendship that's obviously important to you.  Keep us posted on how it's going.

Ardatha

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Just want to say thank you for taking the time to write such great advice for me, i appreciate it so much u cant even imagine..

I do thank her as much as i can, verbally, and through the likes of making her a cd of her favourite band live (she doesnt have the internet, therefore she cant download live versions of her favourite songs and stuff) or buying her presents and just making sure im just as good a friend to her as she is to me.

Thank you again

Beth x

[Guest beth]

Thank you everyone xx