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Been Gone For A While

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So i feel like a newbie again because i can't even remember the last time i've posted. It's been an up and down battle and i'm so exhausted. Since i've last posted i quit my job, moved back home and went back to school full time.

I was in the hospital twice for pneumonia and a hernia...all i contribute to stress.

My therapy has been amazing though. i've gotten a few memories. not relating to the abuse but how i handled it. It's been disturbing and heartbreaking. i'm constantly grieving for the childhood i could of had but lost because of the abuse. So, in trying to make something good out of nothing, i've been trying to connect with my inner child some more and doing more self-confidence work. i never though listening to my own voice sing in the car would bring me such joy. I never though coloring my crayons would be so relaxing and give me a time to be creative in my own way.

The last few months have been more trying to reconnect with myself because it dawned on my the my whole life has been nothing but defense mechanisms. the hard part is noticing them before i completely shut down. doing that has sent me into more panic attacks than ever. I am suddenly scared of everything merely because i'm noticing my bodies reaction towards a certain situation.

i feel myself healing...and it hurts terribly... i hope that makes sense...

i feel myself changing in the more exciting way...for the first time in my life i feel like i can do anything i set my mind to without me feel incredibly insecure, or stupid, or no good enough, or that my efforts are feeble and not worth trying....for the first time i feel useful, constructive, able to do and learn anything....

i feel myself slowly becoming one, not so broken....

just sometimes i wish i never had to go through this...i have so much grieving to do....

well i finally have a computer to come to daily so i should be posting more often now...i'm excited to be back among all you courageous women!

take care


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im proud of you for doing so much amazing work!!

coloring is one of my new found favorite things to do ;)

cant wait to get to know you!

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hi and welcome back! you are doing good work in therapy :)

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The road to healing is a rocky one, and their are ups and down, turns, and twists, but at the end of it all, you will be able to look back and say, without those, I wouldn't have healed, so I am glad that you're still healing and I am glad you have decided to join in on AS again, you're always welcome here :flowers:

Feel free to PM me anytime if I can help you out in get re-settled in at AS :hug:

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