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Two Questions


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Hello everyone,

I had two questions, and I was hoping if someone could answer them, I would appreciate it.

The first one, why is everyone so nice on here?? Why is it you care? I've told before, and was called I was disgusting and I should be ashamed as well as that I was a monster and it was my fault.. why exactly is it you are so accepting? I know thats more than two questions, for the first part, but I just dont understand. Shouldn't you be angry?

My last question was, why are victims afraid?

Thank you, and I hope you have a good day.

I.

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hi, and welcome to AS

I definately thought the same things when i first got here :)

We are nice and care here because weve been through it too. We are accepting because we know what the shame and guilt are like, we know what it feels like to be afraid, but we also know what its like to break the silence.

its scary, even terrifying, but freeing at the same time

just by coming here youve broken the silence, and thats a beautiful thing :)

your second question is harder to answer. I know why I was afraid, or what i was afraid of.

I lived my life in fear, always reacting instead of just living. I was afraid because ive lived my life with no control over others actions towards me. After the abuse ended, i was afraid I would lose control of it again.

Hope this helps,

<3 recovering

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:hug: I care because I know personally how dificult it is to be a survivor. I'm nice because I treat you (and others) how I would like to be treated :) Hope that helps hun. PM me anytime

take care

-Jacquelyn

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I agree with everyone here. I too am accepting because it is no one's fault other than the one who inflected the abused on the victim. I too have been through alot. It was hard to break free from what was so familar to me. I was scared of what the world had to offer. I did not know what to expect. You should not be ashamed because you did not do it to yourself. The one who abused you should be ashamed. I care because I have a big heart. I have nothing but love to give. I do not, how ever give love to those who inflect abuse. I am angry. I am very very angry right now. I am still caught in the middle, but I will conquer the demon. I have had no control for my whole life, but I am gaining my control and am working on controling my demon. I will talk about my stories later. BTW I'm 22 years old.

Right now I'm in school and class is starting again.

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:agree2:

123456 - I have been called a monster, I have felt like a monster, Sometimes when I look in the mirror I see a monstrous thing. But I realized something that monster in the mirror wasn't me it was the reflection of my father (and my mother too) it was and illusion I chose to accept because the alternative was to be angry and hate them. Anger and hate are not accepted well in society esp for women at least it isn't in the one I live in. I understand some of why you think you are a dirty monster. You're not. It's just not fair that we should be the monster when the real monsters walk as humans.

PS-I hope I expressed myself clearly for you to try to understand. Sometimes I have trouble with that.

tt- :supportu::notalone:

Edited by tuliptorn
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I feel like you do. Everything is my fault. I'm here to reach out so that I can heal. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of the shame. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I care because I feel like you do and if I can spare one person from this I will do whatever it takes. I'm here for you. PM me anytime and maybe we can muddle thru this together. Thank you for being here.

Tamatha :hug:

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Well, I think everyone answered why we are all so nice. We know what it's like to be in this kinda of position.

As for me, I was and still am afraid because of how family will react. My mom knows but not really. I want to be able to just talk about it like it's normal. Not what happened but that I want to talk through what I experienced and how it affects me without people saying that old line about how it was so long ago, it's over, move on or that look of how the wished you'd shut up so they could just forget about it. Or as someone else said on here - that they might catch what I have. :lol: I am sorry but when I get that look it takes everything I have not to laugh. I mean hello, you can not catch abuse like that. I mean - how dumb. :blink:

Anyway, Tamatha, you asked questions I wondered myself. Thanks for putting it out there.

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Hi I,

I'm glad you've joined After Silence. I'm very sorry that others have said such cruel things to you in regard to your trauma. I think most of us have experienced at least some negativity for having the gall to feel pain over our trauma. It irks me, and has often silenced me in the past.

I think the reason the members here are kind and supportive is because we truly understand, and despise the audacity of others who try to shame us for what was done *to* us. This is our haven from such ignorance and cruelty. This is where we can be ourselves without worry of judgment.

I hope you find AS to be a supportive, compassionate community. If you have any questions or difficulties navigating the site, please feel free to message me. Take care, and I'll see you around. :):hug:

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I agree with most of the posters here that I am supportive because I have been through it and can relate. I treat people the way that I would want to be treated. There are so many people that dont understand I think its important to have a safe place like this to come to.

welcome!!

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Hello everyone,

I had two questions, and I was hoping if someone could answer them, I would appreciate it.

The first one, why is everyone so nice on here?? Why is it you care? I've told before, and was called I was disgusting and I should be ashamed as well as that I was a monster and it was my fault.. why exactly is it you are so accepting? I know thats more than two questions, for the first part, but I just dont understand. Shouldn't you be angry?

My last question was, why are victims afraid?

Thank you, and I hope you have a good day.

I.

Link to post
Hello everyone,

I had two questions, and I was hoping if someone could answer them, I would appreciate it.

The first one, why is everyone so nice on here?? Why is it you care? I've told before, and was called I was disgusting and I should be ashamed as well as that I was a monster and it was my fault.. why exactly is it you are so accepting? I know thats more than two questions, for the first part, but I just dont understand. Shouldn't you be angry?

My last question was, why are victims afraid?

Thank you, and I hope you have a good day.

I.

Dear 123456,

When I read your post, the hair stood up on my arms because what you have been told is so upsetting, wrong and just all out crazy. My daughter was date raped, so I am here as a supporter. So, from a supporter's perspective, I was heartsick when I read your post because what you have been told is DEEPLY sick, DEEPLY wrong and cruel beyond belief. In fact, I find it so outrageous that I am willing to sit here at 3 AM and write you a reply!

PLEASE believe that there are MANY good people who do not for 1 minute believe that ANY of the abuse/rape was your fault or that there is anything deeply and fundamentally wrong with you which caused the abuse/rape (I don't know your specifics).

YOU DID NOT CAUSE ANY OF THE ABUSE/RAPE AND YOU DID NOT DESERVE ANY OF THE ABUSE regardless of what you were told you did, or think you did, or believe about yourself!!!

And don't dismiss these comments as just a nice way to make you feel good. I'm not just sugar coating here. These comments are the absolute truth!

People who have told you that you were responsible for your abuse/rape are just SERIOUSLY nuts. In fact, if these people are in your family, or close to you in some way, they are just saying these things to justify THEIR actions. The reason that you half believe them isn't because these comments are the true. The reason you believe them is because the abuse/rape already made you feel so bad about yourself that you are very receptive to hearing and believing these crazy things.

I have to tell you that I have two WONDERFUL friends who were abused as children. Both of them were ostracized by their crazy families as a result of the abuse. One woman is now 65 years old and the other is in her 40's, and they are STILL trying to deal with it. They are both the NICEST people I know, yet they STILL believe that there is something fundamentally bad about themselves because that's what they were told by their families.

However, it is SO CLEAR to all of their friends that their families were nuts and just made these women feel guilty so that they (the family members) could feel justified in their actions. The people who played these "head games" on my friends needed to justify their actions to save THEIR psyches because they were either the actual abuser OR the people who protected the actual abuser OR the siblings who didn't want their sisters triggering anything that they would have to deal with themselves. In fact, the ONLY innocent people in both scenarios were my friends who were the victims! Yet, THEY were the ones who were told that they were bad people.

I hope that you can see the clarity and truth in this.

Oftentimes, it is much easier to understand things when you look at someone else's situation. In fact, picture another girl/women and imagine that they were to experience what happened to you. Would YOU think that they were somehow so bad that they deserved/caused the rape or abuse? Of course not. In fact, you'd probably get angry just thinking about what was done to her. So, take that SAME anger and use it to give yourself some perspective. You were a victim of a terrible crime. In fact, TWO terrible crimes: first the abuse/rape itself and then the crazy reactions of people who should know better.

Abuse/rape is a VIOLENT CRIME just like mugging etc. is considered a violent crime with a perpetrator and a VICTIM. Just because the CRIME of rape/abuse includes the genitals doesn't somehow make it the victim's fault.

By the way, as a mid-50's woman who has seen and observed a lot, I have several theories about people/families. First of all, victims are usually the NICEST people. When you think about this, this makes sense. After all, abusers specifically look for the nicest people to abuse because it makes it easy for them. That's why if you look at abusive marriages, you almost always notice that the person being abused can usually be described as one of the nicest people you know!

Second, the nice person almost always worries about being nice. In fact, they spend a LOT of time second guessing themselves, feeling guilty, etc. because they want to make sure that they are being nice. I have seen friends who are so nice that they have tire treads on their backs where people have driven over them and backed up, and yet, they still think that maybe they weren't nice enough!

So, maybe this will give you some perspective on yourself, and how others have unfairly made you feel bad about yourself, because my guess is that YOU would be there for someone in your situation with a helping hand and some sweet empathy. Am I right?

Lastly, I hope that you are going to therapy. You may want to consider neurofeedback if you can afford it. It is being used now for PTSD, which is what you are suffering from-remember, you experienced a trauma! Neurofeedback appears to be very effective.

If you can, maybe your family members can go to traditional talk therapy with you so that they can become aware of their inappropriate reactions. It would be so helpful to you if they could acknowledge what happened to you and emotionally care for you. My two friends never got that and they NEEDED that so badly. However, in my experience, the people with the real problems that make others crazy, rarely go to therapy.

I hope that you really use us on this site to help you. You NEED the kind of support that you will find here. Not only do you need it, you DESERVE it. Lots of people DO understand and DO want to help. Naturally, the ideal would be that you could also get understanding and support from your family members. Is there ANYONE in your family that you are close to who can be there for you 100%? If you are like my friends, there may not be. However, it's a big world our there and there ARE a lot of nice people who can and will help you. This site is a great place for you and also, have you tried your local sexual assault center? What are you doing now about therapy?

Please stay connected and KNOW that we are here for you-even at 3 AM!

Upsetmom

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Hey there

Welcome here to AS hon..The reason I am so nice is because is I have lived for over 30 years with an abusive history and have learned that acceptance and nonjudgmental behaviors as well as care and compassion and validation is what many survivors search for ..I know about acceptance and rejection and would rather feel acceptance..I know about shame and worth and would rather feel worth.. know about fear and calm and would rather feel calm..I know about pain and care and would rather feel care..

The reason many survivors are fearful is because of the shame and unworthiness they harbor in themselves.

hugs

graice

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Thank you, I appreciate it, and thank you especially to the mother who replied but part of me has already accepted that I am at fault. I just want people to not feel what I felt whenever I told, I'd rather give a hand. There's nothing one can change, you have to accept certain things and thats all you can do.

Hey there

Welcome here to AS hon..The reason I am so nice is because is I have lived for over 30 years with an abusive history and have learned that acceptance and nonjudgmental behaviors as well as care and compassion and validation is what many survivors search for ..I know about acceptance and rejection and would rather feel acceptance..I know about shame and worth and would rather feel worth.. know about fear and calm and would rather feel calm..I know about pain and care and would rather feel care..

The reason many survivors are fearful is because of the shame and unworthiness they harbor in themselves.

hugs

graice

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I can relate to what you are saying. I am certain that what has happened is my fault and that it is because of something broken inside of me. Everyone that I have told has turned away from me for various reasons. All it does is add to the certainty that it is me.

However, for the first time I am in therapy to actually deal with what happened to me. It isn't easy. Every day I want to quit, but I am learning that I have friends that love me and there are places to go to for support such as everyone here. We've all been there and are at different steps in recovery.

I don't know that I'll ever get to the point where I don't blame myself or where I will trust my friends enough to share my story, but I am hopeful for the future because of the support and strength I have found here.

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Hello,

I'm glad to hear that, and I hope it happens for you. It isn't your fault, and i hope that you will realize that. I wish you the best of luck.

I.

I can relate to what you are saying. I am certain that what has happened is my fault and that it is because of something broken inside of me. Everyone that I have told has turned away from me for various reasons. All it does is add to the certainty that it is me.

However, for the first time I am in therapy to actually deal with what happened to me. It isn't easy. Every day I want to quit, but I am learning that I have friends that love me and there are places to go to for support such as everyone here. We've all been there and are at different steps in recovery.

I don't know that I'll ever get to the point where I don't blame myself or where I will trust my friends enough to share my story, but I am hopeful for the future because of the support and strength I have found here.

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