Not Sure I Should Be Here..

[milly]

Hi All,

Firstly please let me say what a wonderful place you have here.

I feel so frightened to write because I just don't know whether I deserve to be here.

But I will tell my story as I guess even just writing it down in all its details will maybe give me some clarity or maybe at least it will be all out and I can see how I can move on from there. I am just terrified I am throwing myself to the lions. I dearly hope that in doing so I will not hurt or offend anyone as that is truely not my intention and I deeply recognise the importance of this forum as being a safe place for all to be.

I come from a big family and when my brother at 3 was diagnosed with cancer my exhausted and frantic mother who was rightfully spending all her energy on my brother asked my father to spend more time with me. I was 5 almost 6 i guess, this is as my mother tells me when it all began. My father molested me till I was prob about 14 or 15. And I would let him. I remeber being that age and driving home from the family business that i alone would work with him on weekends and him having his hands in my pants the whole way home (45 min drive) I would just kinda look out the window and fade away. He molested me constantly although I dont think he ever raped me but when i look back i only have fleeting grasps of memories. He molested me everywhere seemingly showing no shame. which pushed me further into a corner that it was normal and ok and there was noone to help because they could all see and did nothing anyway. I remember on family walks he would carry me on his back only so he could have his finger inside me the whole way. Bastard. My mother knew several times from when i was a young child but she said she did nothing because she was scared of loosing her kids. (this still never makes any sense to me but that is another story) Later when my mum did leave my dad she wanted to help me and paid for all my therepy and we went thru alot together. I guess I had a sign on my head form childhood or something because my favourite aunt molested me too. And later a teacher at school tried to as well. I guess I was starting to feel the rage by then tho because I called the cops on him and he was struck off.

The usual things happened I finally came out about it and lost 98% of my friends and family which i guess even know is one of the harder things to deal with. Seeing the rest of my family carry on with life and be there for each other when I am on the outside wanting to scream at them "I was 6 it couldn't have been my fault, I am not the enemy"!!!!!!!

But I guess the horriblest part for me is the part i did play in it....you see as a young child i remeber playing (this is so hard to write) games with my younger brother and teaching him how to masturbate. I know this makes me the perpetrator and this is why I know i prob don't deserve to be on this forum. thru therepy I have been told a million times "you were sexualised to early... it is not your fault.... you were both children the power play is not the same". But how can I recover from what was done to me when i have done the same.

I would walk thru hell and back to make it better but the thing that kills me the most is that my brother is now scizorphrenic and altho he and i are close and we have talked about it and i have tried to tell him how so very very sorry i am and had i known better i would never had done it. There is an unreachable part of him and I wonder if it is my fault he is like this did i send him over the edge...

Again i am so sorry if i have offended anyone by posting here. I guess i am hoping that there will be someone who understands and can maybe help me help my brother and myself.

[sisterinsurvival]

Yahoo, !
We love you, and are glad you've found AfterSilence!

[blossums]

Hello Milly

I'm so sorry for what you went through, and am glad you've found this place, really I don't feel you don't belong here, I hope you feel welcomed

[John]

Hey Milly,

You can be here if you wish to and I think that because you didnt know the cosiquences of what you did to your brother, and was most likely a direct result of what happened to you, I dont think it was your fault.

I'm really sorry for what you have gone through, and I hope finding this place helps

I believe you can heal.

Please take care

-biggestfoot- (John)

[afireinside]

Hi Milly and welcome to AS. Please take as much time as you need to look around and feel more comfortable

[FUBAR1]

Milly you are still a victim and survivor of course you belong here. I know it hard and I can relate to what your saying but only bringing it to the open will help heal.......peace

[crystal822]

You should definitely be here! It is not your fault, you were too young! My story is alittle similar to yours and you have to keep telling yourself that you are not at fault! It isn't your fault for your brother's illness! I hope you find the comfort you need here and if you ever need to vent or just a friend to talk to you can message me anytime.

[Saltywaters]

Welcome!!

Jo

[nika]

yes milly,

you deserve to be here. you are not at all the only one on this site that taught a little brother or sister. we were all just kids. please feel welcomed to share here. we are here to support you and help you, not judge you.

hugs to you!

nika

PS- as for your brother, you can not change the past, but you can help him now.

[teazle]

Hi and welcome to AS

I hope you find what you're looking for here

take care of yourself

teazle

[milly]

Thank you all sooooo much for replying. It means more to me than you will probably ever know.

I must admit I felt so sick after posting yesterday. Maybe I shouldn't have told so soon about my brother. I had come looking for something cos I guess I still feel like I need some support or some ears that will listen and not think i am a crazy person but I came straight out and told my most darkest shame and after i did I thought that I would be hated for it. But its good to hear I am not alone.

Its hard to recover from your own rage at your abuser when you feel like one yourself sometimes. It feels like the self hatred becomes a double edged sword. But i guess I am starting again hopefully with all your help on that pathway to healing. And I hope along the way I can share some of what I have learnt and maybe help someone else too.

[Katia60]

Hi,

Glad you are here and can share with us. This is hard stuff and it takes a lot of bravery to share.

I think that a better way of describing what you are sharing is sexual acting out. Many young survivors do that.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

[lonely84]

Hello and WELCOME!!!

Please do not ever feel like you don't belong here or feel like you don't deserve to be here!

[Aly]

You aren't crazy. You went through so much. I hope you find peace here.

~Aly