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Pfff This Is Hard


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Hello everybody,

I'm new to this forum and am not quite sure if I should be writing here or not.

I'm not scared to admit that I was sexually abused, but I AM scared to deal with it.

Right now it's influencing my entire life and it has to stop.

I'm not sure where to go from here, but maybe being on the forum it will give me some direction or relieve knowing I'm not alone.

Edited by Brooke
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Hi and welcome to AS! :flowers:

I'm glad you found us! This forum is filled with caring and supportive people who really understand. You are absolutely not alone. I hope you find what you need here and are able to start to heal. You can PM me anytime if you need anything.

:hug: if ok.

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Hey there,

It is ok to be scared to deal with it, I know how you feel, but here at AS, it is a very supportive environment, which can help us deal with it in our own way. It is not something that is easy to deal with, it hurts alot, but by dealing with it you can heal, and please know here at AS we do care, and we will do our best to help you through dealing with it.

Just come here when you feel you need some support, and I truly hope as well that you are able to find some direction here. Please know you can heal.

WELCOME TO AS, and I am very glad your here, :hug:

Please take care, :hug:


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Thank you all for your warm welcomes.

I have been sexually abused twice.

I wrote a lot lately about what has happened to me and things are starting to clear up a lot by writing it down, but it's the understanding part that still needs to kick in I guess. I know how the sexual abuse influences my life (the aftermath physically and mentally), but I forget why I keep punishing myself by underachieving and eating.

I did some research on the internet and the biggest hings I have to deal with right now is:

- depression

- sleeping disorder/fatigue

- isolation

- dissociative disorder

- inability to trust

- not trusting my own perception/second guessing descisions

- perfectionism

- inability for emotional bonding (friends), as nobody was there when I needed them I don't see the use in building friendships anymore. Then when I need somebody, there is nobody to help me

- low self esteem, I'm not able to achieve my goals, as I have the feeling I'm not important and I'm not worthy enough to achieve them. I keep punishing myself by underachieving

- I either overeat, which make me feel disgusting or hardly eat anything which makes me feel in control

- I tend to make situations worse to see if somebody is going to stick around and help me

- inability to have fun, cause I'm ashamed of what happened and have the feeling I don't deserve to have fun. Also because people in my enviroment used this excuse the excuse that I was sexually abused cause I was always fun to be around and always smiling

- withdrawal from friends & usual activities

The thing that worries me the most is that I used to be a really good student. As time went by the last few years I noticed it's harder for me to remember things and understand things.

I read something on the internet about how sexual abuse can cause changes in your hippocampus, which is part of the brain involving learning & memory, as well as handling stress.

Right now it's like being outside of my own body sometimes. I hear information, but most of the time fail to memorize it or understand it. At my new job I notice that simple solutions didn't come to mind, while before I would have thought of them myself.

Right now nothing makes sense....

I used to be an athlete playing on a high level (and I still do), but all this has cause me to underachieve and having inability to enjoy the game.

I went to a phsychologist once, but it's so expensive and I don't have the money to go there.

I feel so alone and "weird", not to mention I feel that people are disgusted by me.

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Hey, i'm not discusted in you at all, quiet the opposite, I think your very strong for having gone through that, and still be able to achieve in many areas, I think your very brave for being here, and if you don't have any friends then I would be your friend any day of the week and do my best to help you, all you need to do is Pm, msn or yahoo me and we can talk ok.

And believe me at AS it isn't hard to make friends, you've already made one :)

All those issues you listed, overcoming those issues is all part of the healing process, and please know you can heal,

please take care and hope we can talk soon, :hug:


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Hello -biggestfoot-

Thank you for your e-mail, it made me feel a little bit better. Although right now I'm exhausted and mentally drained. I was up all night writing cause my mind could't stop thinking. I had to write down what happened to me again and words wouldn't stop coming. I can't believe the words came to me that easily last night. I posted the story in the "Share Your Story" section, but am afraid go and read it again. I feel so stupid at some times. :blink::hammer:

I am really shocked to see that I still feel so much anger towards certain people. I know everything was wrong and I knew I was still having problems with it, but I guess I got used to denial or something.

Thanks you for offering your friendship. It means a lot to me.

Let me know if there ever is anything I can do for you in return also.

Feel free to e-mail me and stuff.

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Welcome to AS .. :hug::aswelcomesu:

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Hi welcome to AS :flowers: I hope you find what you are looking for here. This is a wonderful place for support. I look forward to seeing you around the boards. Take care.

:hug: :hug:


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