Introducing Myself...hesitantly

[IDoLoveMyPhD]

Hi all,

My name is Asheley and I'm a survivor of sexual abuse that began at age 4 and ended at age 15, all by my stepfather. I only started to really "deal" with this over the last year. I've spent all my life up until now in denial that the abuse had any effect on me.

I'm now pregnant with my third child and have suddenly become completely terrified at the thought of giving birth. I'm terrified of how I react to the pain, I'm terrified of losing control, I'm terrified of depression relapse. Everything. I'm so overwhelmed by it that it's sending me spiraling down into depression again, and forcing me to relive so much of my abuse.

I've been fighting depression because of the abuse for as long as I can remember. I'm doing relatively well now, but have started having all sorts of scary thoughts again. It's very frustrating to me that I can't just "get over it". Here I am, with a PhD, a great career ahead of me, a new house, a great husband, two wonderful kids and much-wanted third on the way, but I can't get past my own pain. I feel like a total failure that I can't just be happy with what I have.

I guess I'm just hoping to find some people that understand that it hurts, no matter what it may look like on the outside.

Asheley

[Courage.hope]

I wanted to say welcome to you...

I am sorry that you are dealing with depression during preganancy, that has to be very difficult. If there is anything I can do for you at all, if you need to just chat, please feel free to pm me.

Welcom and hugs to you!

[angelic]

hi and welcome to AS

[Saltywaters]

Welcome!!

Jo

[dodo]

Hi and welcome to AS

best wishes

karen

[sadeyes22]

Hi welcome to As I Hope you find what you are looking for here. I look forward to seeing you around the boards. Take care

Sad

[Labrador]

I feel like a total failure that I can't just be happy with what I have.

Hi Asheley,

I struggle with that issue as well. Minimizing my abuse, being in denial, and being detached from my feelings got me a long way. I don't think I'll ever "get over it". My goal is to be able to live with it and not be controlled by it. To be able to take the shame, guilt, anger, fear, resentment, and whatever other feelings I have and release them. For me, I've learned the ick always waits inside for me. I can avoid it, I can be a workaholic, I can pretend I'm fine, but it's always there waiting to be worked through.

I look forward to reading your words, hearing what you have to say.

I'm new here at AS too. I can tell you, it's a very supportive site.

I hope you continue to share,

lab

Ps. "Ick" is my term for anything I need to face and work through that I'm pretty much not looking forward to doing.

[Ray]

Hi Asheley!

I think it takes real guts to find your way to this place, but know you are supported here. Sorry you are having such a tough time but don't beat yourself up over it happy external circumstances don't eradicate the internal pain.

Big Hug

Ray

[teazle]

Hi and welcome to AS

I hope you find what you're looking for here

take care of yourself

teazle

[-Nicole-]

Welcome to After Silence

I am sorry you are currently struggling. It sounds as though you lived in something like survival mode for many years. Sometimes when we get to a good safe place, the pain that we have kept inside for so long comes out. This is a very supportive and wonderful site, I hope we can help you on your journey.

Nicole

[MamaL]

Welcome and thank you for wording it so accurately and clearly. You had to push down alot of normal reactions and expectations to get to puberty and beyond yourself. Maybe you are feeling some of that long ago unacknowledged pain right now and it is affecting you now because when you were little you couldn't express your experience. My best to you.

[sisterinsurvival]

Yahoo, !
We love you, and are glad you've found AfterSilence!