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New, Bad Marital Experience

pearl71

By pearl71,
in Public: Welcome!

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pearl71

pearl71

Posted
Posted

Hello, I am a 36 yr old female with three children aged from 5 to 15.

I was with their father for nearly 15 years and left 2 years ago, helped by women's aid, the council and social services.

13 years ago, when my second child was born, he began forcing himself on me and the relationship became something that I can only describe as a form of torture. It was pretty much every night and ranged from 'routine' to 'violent'. There was no option. I could not say no because I was smaller than him, but any reluctance on my part could result in threats against the children. For example he once threatened to punch my baby in the face.

I could not tell anyone what was happening to me, and saw no escape. I became suicidal.

Finally, in March 2005 I went to my council offices where I collapsed and finally the truth was out. He was also at that time with-holding money from me and preventing me from having friends. My clothes were rags and I had had to walk nearly 3 miles cross country with a small child to get help.

It took about 4 months to co-ordinate my escape. I could have gone into a refuge but I refused. I didn't want my oldest children knowing what their father had done to me, so at risk to myself I stayed until a place in temporary accomodation in a nearby city came up.

That was two years ago and I was apsychological wreck to start with. I am doing better now. I have nice clothes (not jumble sale ones his mum would buy me) and do my hair, which is a big thing for me. It means I am aquainting myself with my own body. I have lost about a stone (I overate to make myself unattractive to him).

A year after I left I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. I was enduring flashbacks, screaming fits at night, panic attacks and would not go out and socialise with anyone.

I am on Sertraline 50mgs a day and the flashbacks have stopped. I still am very reclusive though and as yet have not found the courage to go out to work. I think I have a fear of people. I do get people trying to befriend me but I try and deflect them.

I come across though as happy and friendly, when I do the school run. That's all my social life is though and its all I can manage.

I am also unable to let men near me. I panic if one stands to close to me and I do think I probably will not be able to be physical with anyone again. I was offered psychotherapy but refused it because I did not want it on my records. I also really don't ever want to find myself in a relationship again. I am safe on my own.

I feel horrible right now, for talking about it. I try and put it behind me and try to live as if it never happened. Its something I am always pushing down back into myself. I don't want my life defined by what he did to me, because my life is mine. He has no right to impose on my happiness, but still, it won't completely go away.

Sorry about long post. I'm more a supporter than someone who asks for it so I think you will get to know me as someone who listens and says what she can for others.

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lostsoul

lostsoul

Posted
Posted
Hello, I am a 36 yr old female with three children aged from 5 to 15.

I was with their father for nearly 15 years and left 2 years ago, helped by women's aid, the council and social services.

13 years ago, when my second child was born, he began forcing himself on me and the relationship became something that I can only describe as a form of torture. It was pretty much every night and ranged from 'routine' to 'violent'. There was no option. I could not say no because I was smaller than him, but any reluctance on my part could result in threats against the children. For example he once threatened to punch my baby in the face.

I could not tell anyone what was happening to me, and saw no escape. I became suicidal.

Finally, in March 2005 I went to my council offices where I collapsed and finally the truth was out. He was also at that time with-holding money from me and preventing me from having friends. My clothes were rags and I had had to walk nearly 3 miles cross country with a small child to get help.

It took about 4 months to co-ordinate my escape. I could have gone into a refuge but I refused. I didn't want my oldest children knowing what their father had done to me, so at risk to myself I stayed until a place in temporary accomodation in a nearby city came up.

That was two years ago and I was apsychological wreck to start with. I am doing better now. I have nice clothes (not jumble sale ones his mum would buy me) and do my hair, which is a big thing for me. It means I am aquainting myself with my own body. I have lost about a stone (I overate to make myself unattractive to him).

A year after I left I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. I was enduring flashbacks, screaming fits at night, panic attacks and would not go out and socialise with anyone.

I am on Sertraline 50mgs a day and the flashbacks have stopped. I still am very reclusive though and as yet have not found the courage to go out to work. I think I have a fear of people. I do get people trying to befriend me but I try and deflect them.

I come across though as happy and friendly, when I do the school run. That's all my social life is though and its all I can manage.

I am also unable to let men near me. I panic if one stands to close to me and I do think I probably will not be able to be physical with anyone again. I was offered psychotherapy but refused it because I did not want it on my records. I also really don't ever want to find myself in a relationship again. I am safe on my own.

I feel horrible right now, for talking about it. I try and put it behind me and try to live as if it never happened. Its something I am always pushing down back into myself. I don't want my life defined by what he did to me, because my life is mine. He has no right to impose on my happiness, but still, it won't completely go away.

Sorry about long post. I'm more a supporter than someone who asks for it so I think you will get to know me as someone who listens and says what she can for others.

Hi and welcome to AS, i hope this place helps you as much as it has us, i can understand all your fears at the moment and just want to say one thing, you say you do not want your life defined by what he did to you, but going by what you said here that is exactly what you are doing, if you just shut it away and try and have a normal happy life again and maybe even one day enjoying male company then you are letting it define you and letting him win, it is early days but please if you learn anything from us learn to work through all your problem areas instead of hiding from them they will just haunt you for the rest of your life, and you will live a live of resentment and hate towards the world, a lot of us or i should say most of us feel the same, but we need to fight and have the right to a happy life, please do not let one man win and destroy the rest of your life, take your anger and hatred towards him and use it to give you strength to fight back for what you deserve, keep your chin up and i hope you find what you need here, take care, kirsty.

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pearl71

pearl71

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank you. I think I try and pretend it never happened in the hope that it will go away but the inside knows, even if the outside hides it.

It looks lovely here, by the way, and I'm hoping I can be of some help to others x

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-Nicole-

-Nicole-

Posted
Posted

Welcome to After Silence :flowers:

Nice to have you here, I hope that you enjoy the site and that is helps you on your journey,

Nicole :throb:

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BlueWings

BlueWings

Posted
Posted

:youcanheal: is what I want to say firstly. When I first came here it was nearly straight after my two-year long endurance of continual rape. Though I wasn't married to him (thank God), I can, as a lot of us will, relate to you.

It's been almost six months or so since I've joined AfterSilence, and just about the same amount of time that I've been through therapy. I have to say, going to a Rape Crisis Centre helped the most. You will heal in time, and it sucks to hear. Not that I'm totally fine now, but things do get better. Keep hanging in there and doing things in your own timing. But don't forget to motivate and push yourself to a healthy limit either!

Second, I want to thank you. And congratulate you, for leaving! Having children in a situation such as that makes things a bit more difficult as you already know (though I don't and won't assume to), but I'm ever so happy that you had the courage and intelligence to know that it was (1) wrong and (2) unsafe for not just you, but your angels.

You're making progress already, m'dear :)

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Kezzie

Kezzie

Posted
Posted

Hi and welcome here.

I am a new member myself - hope you find support and encouragement here.

I understand what it is like to fear being near other men, a problem I have struggled with for a few years now - take care

Kezzie

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sadeyes22

sadeyes22

Posted
Posted

:aswelcomesu::youcanheal::supportu::aswelcomesu:

Hi Welcome to AS :flowers: I hope you find what you are looking for here. I look forward to seeing you around the boards. I am glad that you and your children are safe I can imagine it was very hard to break away but I am glad that you were able to. Take care

:hug: :hug:

Sad

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