determined 1

Looking In A Mirror

29 posts in this topic

Last night I couldn't sleep so I lay there thinking about us, my friends,and fellow survivors and something really struck me.

Why is it that us survivors feel so much pain over the abuse inflicted on us?

I've heard wonderful people call themselves sick, freaks, perverts, unworthy,deserving of pain, deserving shame, and self-loathing.

When talking about letting others know of our abuse I've heard, they won't love me as much, they'll be disqusted with me,they'll think I'm crazy, they'll think that I deserved it, they'll think I'm weak. Now I could go on and on but , you get it.

So , I ask myself "why?"

Why are we sick or freaks or perverts, we didn't hurt anyone, our abusers did. So why not lay the blame where it belongs? They are the sick ones, the freaks, the perverts. They should be the ones hiding and scared and riticuled by others.

As for the other statements, they won't love me as much. Why not? Your still the same beautiful person you were, your not the monster he/she is.

They'll be disqusted with me. Why? You didn't ask to be raped because you get off on those things, your abuser did. So doesn't HE deserve the disqust?

Well,I deserved it. Why do you deserve it? Because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time? Because you stupidly were born around a pedaphile? Or because God was just bored and decided "she looks bad, I'll F*ck her life up?"

Of course not!

Our abusers are the only ones who should be hiding in shame, and being ostricized by society, and hunted until they die.

My sisters and brothers, when you look at the blame, your looking through a mirror backwards, stop looking in, and start looking out.

Blessings to you all."D"

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I read!!!

I understand totally what you are saying - I wrote something similar myself a while back - why aren't we shouting to the world what was DONE TO US - not what we did because we did nothing.

And I don't understand why so many put so much of the blame on themselves - and I include myself in this too - I wish I could wave a magic wand - so that eveyone knows and understands they were not to blame = ever = for what happened

best wishes

karen

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Yes, Karen, exactly. So many survivors are beautiful, loving, giving souls, and none of us deserves this self hatred.

The most awesome day for me is the day I saw that. I am not ashamed or quiet about my abuse now simply because I did no wrong.

That's such a gift from above .

Blessings! "D"

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I hope I get to that place some day. I can talk about it in general and my brain knows it was not my fault but that feeling of shame is still there lurking in the background. I think I still have work to do.

Blessings to all of you who give us hope for the future! :thanks:

Marty

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Thanks D.

Edited by joss

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:hug: D, you are so right, we are too busy focussing on what is wrong with us, we seem to miss all that is right with us. We have so much to offer the world, and each other , but we have become so brain-washed by our experiences, that we cant see past that. Thank you for making us see the other side.

best wishes. Paula :hug:

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What can I say? I love the way you think D! Wow! What a pep talk! I like your style.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. :hug:

All the stuff you said about the wrong way we think of ourselves is in a chapter of a book I'm reading right now. It tells how to change our wrong thinking that was damaged by the abuse.

But hey, who needs a book when we have you to tell us. lol

Quote - My sisters and brothers, when you look at the blame, your looking through a mirror backwards, stop looking in, and start looking out.

Our abusers are the only ones who should be hiding in shame, and being ostricized by society, and hunted until they die.

So true and well said my sister.

~Erin~

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RAH!

I agree with you!

I heard something recently that was interesting to me, something about if something / anything happens to us when we a re children, we automatically feel responsible because young children can't explain the world around them any other way - so eg I thought my mum's illness was my fault

Am only recently getting to see that I'm really not so bad after all (said with fingers crossed and looking over shoulder for the next bad thing)

but really i agree with you!

:clap:

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What can I say. YOU ROCK, no- WE ALL at AFTER SILENCE ROCK!!!!!!!!!

:blush::kitty::supportu::loveas::youcanheal::bubble::penguin::ditto::lindybear::friends2::love-smiley-024::cloud9::chocolate::agree2::chat:

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gonna print this out if that's ok, every time i get into the "self-hatred" mode, i will look at this and remind myself........it was NOT my fault!!!!!

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That is most definetely alright. And guys, the ones who aren't there yet, I just tried to remember the "Day" it sank in, and it was after joining AS and seeing myself and my pain reflected through your eyes in every hurting post I've read. So, hang in there, and support each other because everytime you tell another that they weren't to blame your telling yourself too!

Blessings, "D" :hug:

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Thanks for that!!! I hope someday I can be in that place where the self loathing is gone. And I know until I open up more it won't happen. I have been trying to open up but my feeble attempts aren't enough. I just to find a way to work through everything. I was thinking a lot about fear last night since that is the basis f everything for me. And I thought....why am I so scared?? I was watching my little puppy who, with the help of the neighbor puppy, dug his way over to play with the Bull Mastiff next door. Bear in mind my puppy only weights about 17 lbs and the Mastiff puppy is already around 90lbs. He had no fear and when I went out and found him over there he was just running the yard playing with the other puppy. He could have sat in my yard and been scared and therefore bored..instead they worked together and dug a hole and had a blast!!!

I guess I need to learn from my puppy and try to open up more.

Thanks,

Kerry

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Struggling, stop struggling quite so hard and accept that you do have a friend and are worthy of love already. All you have to do is accept it. :hug:

Blessings my friend, you ARE needed! "D"

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People are judgemental, I've heard people say "she was asking for it", "she deserved to be raped", " She liked getting raped", "She got what was coming", etc..

People love it to see other people suffer and in pain, not everyone but alot of people,

Also if they know the rapist and are his friend, he will be defended.

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Yes Love, there will always be idiots in this world. But, that makes us no less innocent.

It simply means that evil does still exist in this world, but everytime a survivor is able to break through their lies and raise their head proudly it destroys that evil a bit at time.

Blessings, "D"

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What a great post there D. Being an ex-dressmaker, I've just made you up a virtual reflective piece of armour to wear, as a gift from me to say Thank You. Stay strong and wear this reflective coat of armour with pride - you deserve it for helping so many.

Atlantis

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Ooooh! Goody, I LOVE armor!! Can you mahe me a virtual shield and sword too? THAT would just be too cool! LOL

Blessings my friend, what a perfect gift! "D"

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No problem, consider it virtually done and would you like a chariot as well? that might take a bit more time, as my skills are a bit rusty at the moment. :)

Atlantis

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Thanks but grace is not my middle name, so how 'bout just a big black horse in armor,eh?! :lol:

Nothing like the warrior wrecking his own chariot to ruin his rep ! :duh:

Blessings "D"

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You drive a hard bargain there, but okay I'll take that challenge on, but I'll leave you to feed it. I think it will like virtual hay, but as it is coming from Scotland, I think Neeps and Tatties might go down better. :wink:

Atlantis

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:roflmao::rofl3::friends2:

Yeah well, what's one more horse to feed! :duh:

Neeps and tatties huh, think Florida horses would go for it? It's gotta be cheaper! LOL

You my dear are a godess over the virtual world! :bow:

Blessings,"D"

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Thanks for the post Determined. It hits a healing place within me. Not meaning to take over your thread, but I have recently and forever, been working on this self-blame issue. It is slowly coming to me that the blame is not mine. But this has left me with this terribly empty spot within. I no longer know who I am. I now need to begin finding that out.

:hug::hug::hug::hug:

Sue

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Thanks for the post Determined. It hits a healing place within me. Not meaning to take over your thread, but I have recently and forever, been working on this self-blame issue. It is slowly coming to me that the blame is not mine. But this has left me with this terribly empty spot within. I no longer know who I am. I now need to begin finding that out.

:hug::hug::hug::hug:

Sue

In the beginning and at times I still feels this way too. But daily it's filling with love instead.

Blessings, Stacey

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Great thread determined 1, This is what i tell my friends when they are feeling down, Every morning go into the bathroom and look into the mirror and say i am lovely what happened was not my fault, And in time you will believe it, Because you all are love michael

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D,

Your words are always so inspirational!Where do you get your stregnth,courage,and Determination?

Since I was old enough to understand what "fault"meant,I have always seen myself as the one at fault.

When I was little,my dress was too short,or I shouldn`t have hugged him,or why did I have to go to the barn to see the pony...........and now it`s,why did I go in that mans house,I`m 33 years old,I knew better!!!!!

So,I look forward to one day knowing,and believing for myself what you wrote.

Oh how wonderful it would be to believe I did nothing wrong. :cry:

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