New

[shantel]

My name is shantel and I am new. I was raped almost 6 months ago and feel so dirty, lost and alone. I just want someone to understand me and how I feel. I have a really hard time going to sleep at night and am up 2-4 times a night checking to make sure my doors and windows are locked. I am scared to leave my house alone. I just want to feel like me again. I have a therapist that I see once a week but I dont feel like it has helped me at all. I guess I just want to know, When does it start to get better?

[Saltywaters]

Welcome here.

Jo

[dodo]

Hi and welcome to AS

I think that joining a site like this is a start to helping yourself feel better? It is recognising that you need support and friendship and reaching out for it - you will find lots of support and friendship here

best wishes

karen

[the_lioness]

Welcome Shantel! We're so glad to have you here at AS. You are not alone and are not to blame. Post as you need/want to here.

When you first tell-- it can feel like life had been better and easier when you held onto the secret and tried to be numb. When you've been healing for awhile (and it takes time--time at your own pace) you'll be able to better pinppoint all the ways your abuse has impacted you. That'll help you determine what parts of yourself are really you and what parts should get junked 'cause they arn't the real you! ;)

You arn't a victim anymore. You are a fighting roaring survivor. Kudos!

Lots of love and support,

-Elle

[AmyLyn]

Welcome to AS.

You have already made an important step to healing by simply joining this site and reaching out. We are here for you.

[sisterinsurvival]

Yahoo, !
We love you, and are glad you've found AfterSilence!

[angelic]

Welcome to AS, Shantel, this is a very safe, healing place. Hope it helps you.

best wishes, Paula

[melissa]

Welcome to AS

You are NOT ALONE!

[shantel]

Thank you all........

It is so hard to see that there are so many other people that have been threw simular situations but it is nice to know that there are people out there who understand what I am going threw.

For me I dont feel like my family understands. I hear alot of "just move on and put it behind you" But I just cant get it out of my head and no matter how many showers I take I still feel so dirty.

[krystnme]

shantal,

hi and welcome! i am glad you found as. i am pretty new here too. even tho i haven't had lots of time to hang out here. the people here are amazing and so kind. we can all relate to each other in different ways.

i used to check doors, locks and windows all of the time. i don't anymore. it takes time. keep reminding yourself that you are safe. make a list of things you have already checked and maybe that will help you a little to ignore the desire to check again. i don't have any quick fix ideas and i am not an expert but that helped me. i am sure there is someone here who may have other ideas and suggestions too.

just remember you are not alone and healing takes time.

laura

[Capulet]

Welcome, shantel!

Please don't feel rushed when it comes to healing. For some, it is a lifelong process and for others, it is much quicker. We will never be over something of this magnitude, but we will learn to function around it and to cope enough to live life on a day to day basis. There's no time line for it all, so please don't feel discouraged when it comes to therapy. Take your time and embrace each moment - life is precious despite some of the nasty cards we are dealt.

Hope you enjoy your stay here. We are all here for you.

Capulet

Edited August 15, 2007 by Capulet

[teazle]

Hi and welcome to AS

I hope you find what you're looking for here

take care of yourself

teazle

[shantel]

So today ( the 9th) is 6 months and it is really weighing heavy on me . I cant seem to get my brain to think of anything other than what happened. All I can think about is what happened and I keep asking myself why me? Not that I think that anyone deserves this but why did he choose me? Why did I go to that house that day to clean. ( I cleaned his fathers house once a week, his father was my husbands boss) Why didnt I realize that there was something different about him that day. I feel so angry with myself.

[Mom_of_5]

So today ( the 9th) is 6 months and it is really weighing heavy on me . I cant seem to get my brain to think of anything other than what happened. All I can think about is what happened and I keep asking myself why me? Not that I think that anyone deserves this but why did he choose me? Why did I go to that house that day to clean. ( I cleaned his fathers house once a week, his father was my husbands boss) Why didnt I realize that there was something different about him that day. I feel so angry with myself.

it is NOT and i repeat NOT your fault in any way shape or form, unless you can read minds you had no idea...HE is the one who is at fault, by the way, i am rather new here myself and this place has helped me more in the last few days than almost 5 years of therapy (i am now with a therapist who i am happy with, but it took me 5 years to find her)..if you are not in therapy, i would recommend giving it a try when you are ready (but not until you are) i hope you find help and comfort here

[shantel]

Thanks Mom of 5. I really needed to hear that. I do go to therapy once a week but I just dont feel comfortable with sitting in a room with a stranger talking to her. She told me that she wanted me to get a journal and start writing everything down. What happened, my thoughts and feelings about it. So I did. then she told me on the next appointment that she wanted me to read it to her. I did and it took me the entire hour to get it out. Now everytime I go she wants me to read the same thing over and over again. I just dont want to do it. I thought that going to see a T would be good for me but I dont feel any better.

[melissa]

It's all about finding the right T for you. Maybe the one you are seeing is not the right one. It's about trust. You need time to learn to trust your T and the one that is fitted for you will understand that. not saying that the one you see is a bad person, but maybe remind her that you need time and see what happens?

Hang in there! (and I second Mom_of_5, it was in NO WAY your fault! He made the conscious desicion to hurt you, it was not your choice!)

Melissa

[Guest CLMP]

i was raped a month ago and suffered abuse as a child. this site has helped me in a lot of ways, just listening to other people's story and knowing that there are people all over the world who can relate to my pain.

stay here and share, it just might help you.

CLMP

[-Nicole-]

Hello and welcome to After Silence

I am sorry you are struggling so much, I hope that you will find support and comfort in the advice and experiences of others here.

Nicole