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eboniorchid

Hmm ... Interesting ...

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How is it that I'm reasonably intelligent and yet I'm only now, 6 years later, starting to read information about sexual violence and the stories of other survivors? It's a hard thing to explore, but ... I feel so much less alone now. Why didn't I do this before?

I hit a bad trigger this week, which is what got me in here, honestly, and I'm a mess, but I'm surviving. My history is dotted with a few minor traumas and a few major ones. I think it's important to note, though, that I was kinky and kind of queer before and remain kinky and kind of queer, even after everything, so I'm always really interested to talk with anyone else with similar circumstances. (Or actually with any circumstances, honestly.) ;-)

[/cut/] Mostly, I've dealt by writing and reading and talking and thinking. A lot of my writing is really dark, but that's just what works for me.

I'm fairly certain that my intellectual/creative approach to stuff like this has a lot to do with keeping my emotions in check, as if not being emotional and being able to clearly say that I'm okay, means that I actually am. I have the understanding that I need to fix this [and I'm working on it].

Edited by eboniorchid

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:flowers:

Hi and welcome

I really understood your post - though I am not kinky or queer :wink: - I understood what you said about fearing not being ok for a while while you sort this all out.

I hope you find you can be 'not ok for while' with the support here

karen

Edited by dodo

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I'm new here too and I can relate.

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I take the intellectual/creative approach to things to...and you're right...being able to verbalize/communicate that your okay rarely means you actually are. Sometimes it can feel like you've already thought through all the potential scenarios telling someone the truth might give you: but when you tell, scenarios you hadn't thought of DO pop up. It's important to have skills to deal with them so that when you do decide to tell more bits of your story--

You can be the survivor all on your own. There are a lot of people out there who have no idea what they're talking about. I might even be one of them... And when you are smart and have already given your abuse some thought... those people can be really stupid. After Silence is nice though because when someone says something that makes no sense for your situation, you have lots of other people who know what your talking about to get your back. So even when you arn't strong enough to defend yourself, someone else can.

I don't think being "kinky and queer" is unusual either ;) Just unusual that someone would admit it. haha. :) You arn't alone.

Best of luck to you and your healing. You have my prayers and support, feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat. :hug:

-Elle

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:hug: welcome to AS. You are among friends here :flowers:

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Welcome to AS!

I also am more intellectual, kinky, and queer, than "normal." But, that's me!

And it's very okay to not be okay...LOL. It means you're accepting things, and trying to work through them. I'm glad you had the strength to join, and I hope you stick around. And while you're not okay, I'm not either, and that's okay. We can not be okay together.

If that makes any sense at all, I bow down to you. LOL

Good luck, best wishes, and hope to see you around,

Melissa

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Well it certainly isn't easy, and it does seem to get worse before it gets better. The first step for us to becoming whole is realizing how broken we are. But it does get better! Glad you are here!

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I take the intellectual/creative approach to things to...and you're right...being able to verbalize/communicate that your okay rarely means you actually are. Sometimes it can feel like you've already thought through all the potential scenarios telling someone the truth might give you: but when you tell, scenarios you hadn't thought of DO pop up. It's important to have skills to deal with them so that when you do decide to tell more bits of your story--

You can be the survivor all on your own. There are a lot of people out there who have no idea what they're talking about. I might even be one of them... And when you are smart and have already given your abuse some thought... those people can be really stupid. After Silence is nice though because when someone says something that makes no sense for your situation, you have lots of other people who know what your talking about to get your back. So even when you arn't strong enough to defend yourself, someone else can.

I don't think being "kinky and queer" is unusual either ;) Just unusual that someone would admit it. haha. :) You arn't alone.

Best of luck to you and your healing. You have my prayers and support, feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat. :hug:

-Elle

Thanks, Elle. I definitely feel less alone in this space. So many people are coping/surviving/thriving in so many different ways. It's sad that we have to do this, ya know, but it's heart-warming that people can be so open about these things, even if its only in here. I appreciate you offering your thoughts and support. :)

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Welcome to AS!

I also am more intellectual, kinky, and queer, than "normal." But, that's me!

And it's very okay to not be okay...LOL. It means you're accepting things, and trying to work through them. I'm glad you had the strength to join, and I hope you stick around. And while you're not okay, I'm not either, and that's okay. We can not be okay together.

If that makes any sense at all, I bow down to you. LOL

Good luck, best wishes, and hope to see you around,

Melissa

Oh yay! Glad to hear I'm not alone! And yeah, I'm starting to realize that not being okay is just part of the process. I wish I could avoid it or skip it or something, but obviously that's not working as well as I'd thought. Heh. So, yeah, we can totally not be okay together. :D

Thanks for the welcome!

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:yahoo:Yahoo, :aswelcomesu: !

:hug: We love :wub: you, and are glad you've found AfterSilence!

:notalone:

Aww, thank you! That's sweet! I'm glad I've found this place too and you're awesome for the very well-illustrated welcome! :D

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Well it certainly isn't easy, and it does seem to get worse before it gets better. The first step for us to becoming whole is realizing how broken we are. But it does get better! Glad you are here!

It does kind of worry me that it seems like I may have to fall apart before I can put all the pieces back together in some sense of normalcy, but I do want to get better, so I guess I'll be around here trying to figure it out along with everyone else here. Thanks for welcoming me! :)

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Welcome to AS

i'm glad that you have found us, i'm sorry that you had the need to.

hope you find everything that you need to heal..

JT

Thank you! And yeah, I'm glad I found this place too, though we'll probably always wish the circumstances were different, ya know? I'm already feeling the healing vibe just from poking around here, so ... I'm thinking that this will be very helpful. And I appreciate your words of welcome! :)

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...that I was kinky and kind of queer before and remain kinky and kind of queer, even after everything, so I'm always really interested to talk with anyone else with similar circumstances. (Or actually with any circumstances, honestly.) ;-)

I can completely relate and I am new here too. Feel free to message me. Im going through a hard time as well right now. It helps to know that there are others that truly do care...

stitch222

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I can completely relate and I am new here too. Feel free to message me. Im going through a hard time as well right now. It helps to know that there are others that truly do care...

stitch222

Awesome! I will definitely drop you a line. Good luck with your healing journey. :flowers:

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Welcome to After Silence :flowers:

I think there are many of us, myself included, who got a "delayed start" on healing. Truly there is no right time, or time frame for that matter. It is important and commendable that you have taken the steps in reaching out.

I can also relate to what you say about the creative approach. It seems we can sort of create a reality in which we are fine, where we really are not. Kind of like dancing around the truth at the heart of the matter.

I think you will find a lot of support and really amazing people here and I hope it is an asset to you in your journey.

Nicole :throb:

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I'm new here too and I can relate.

Yeah? It's always good to know I'm not alone!

You're definitely not alone in this. I'm also new here, and I write alot too. Alot of it is quite dark, but it comes from a place of honesty. If I wrote about happy wonderful shiny things all the time, I wouldn't be doing myself any good, because I wouldn't be allowing my true emotions to be heard.

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