It Feels Wrong To Be Here

[Sarah1971]

I feel that I have failed because I am on here, that my counselling should have worked, that I should have recovered and be getting on with things. I started to try and read a few posts and it just made me feel more broken and more dirty. I coped very very well - I have had no breakdowns, no depression, no drugs, have had a 13 year marriage (ended - like many peoples - but amicably) and three great kids. But I still feel like I have no emotions. I function at a high intellectual level so that I don't have to feel anything.

Does anyone else feel like they have done so well coping, that their entire personality is not a fraud? I don't know how to be myself because myself is so damaged that I've covered it up with someone else.

I'm 36 years old and I feel like if I let it out, it will break everything else that I've built up.

Anyway - just wanted to have a rant and get some of it out!

Cheers

Sarah

[dodo]

I feel very very much like you - I am 46 years old and went through most of my life in this little bubble of denial - it is only in the last 2 years or so that I have actively started to deal with what happened. I can (just about talk) about some of what happened in a very intellectual way - but I feel very little - however I have a lot of other 'symptoms' such as backaches, headaches, anxiety, sleeplessness etc and I do know that this is because I am sitting on all these emotions.

So I dont think it is wrong for you to be here - if here is where you want to be.

best wishes

karen

[Saltywaters]

Welcome here.

Jo

[audionectar]

I felt that way for a long time and I think many other survivors do also. I think thats a large part of the reason I didn't step forward and get help a long time ago. I have always been a very strong and independent person and I have always landed on my feet. But then one day I had something trigger me so badly that I did have a breakdown, I couldn't work or leave my house and after a year of this I finally went and got help after many years. Sometimes I do feel like a fraud but I think its the battle between who I know I am and who my assailants made me feel I am sometimes I feel as though opening up and showing my emotions will make me weak and vulnarable again but I find the more I force myself to deal with my emotions, even if it means breaking down and crying in front of people (which I absolutly hate doing), I find this to be less true. Often the people who can break down are actually stronger than those who can't. But this is a wonderful forum and is very helpful possibly more so to me at times then my counseling because its not as formal as counseling and people can actually share there absolute honest feelings and opinions without having to be clinical.

[eboniorchid]

I felt that way for a long time and I think many other survivors do also. I think thats a large part of the reason I didn't step forward and get help a long time ago. I have always been a very strong and independent person and I have always landed on my feet. But then one day I had something trigger me so badly that I did have a breakdown, I couldn't work or leave my house and after a year of this I finally went and got help after many years. Sometimes I do feel like a fraud but I think its the battle between who I know I am and who my assailants made me feel I am sometimes I feel as though opening up and showing my emotions will make me weak and vulnarable again but I find the more I force myself to deal with my emotions, even if it means breaking down and crying in front of people (which I absolutly hate doing), I find this to be less true. Often the people who can break down are actually stronger than those who can't. But this is a wonderful forum and is very helpful possibly more so to me at times then my counseling because its not as formal as counseling and people can actually share there absolute honest feelings and opinions without having to be clinical.

Gosh, this is so me. This whole thread is so me. I'd been fine/okay/good for so long, stuffing down my emotions, because I really do think it somehow feels easier, like I'll shatter into so many pieces and never be okay again if I really let go. I hit a really bad trigger this week, though, and am starting to wonder if I was ever really okay or just fooling myself.

[the_lioness]

Yes, I have coped unusually well also. I do feel like I have a personality that isn't fake, that I have real relationships in my life, proud that I never resorted to drugs or other crap that could have messed me up.

Sometimes good coping is a fraud though, something we use to mask the emotions we never wanted to face, and being intelligent makes re-finding those emotions even harder I'm afraid. The first step for me was letting myself "not be okay". Letting myself get hysterical. Letting myself fall apart little. Sometimes I even had to fake that I was angry, or sad, or bitter, before I could actually really feel the emotions. I was jealous of all those people on sites like this that could say they were hurt and where it hurts. Weird thing to be jealous of, huh?

Anyway-- I started feeling things again. And my life has gone back to me coping extremely well. But it's okay to let yourself be human sometimes girl. Let yourself fall apart. Just by surviving and telling alone: you coped better than most.

I can tell by the wisdom in your post that your going to be fine. Just wanted to let you know that you have my prayers and support, and that like it or not, you arn't alone ;)

Best of luck with your healing. I'm glad you found AS.

-Elle

[queenofwhatever]

I can totally relate to this topic. I am 26, I have been in therapy for about eight years off and on and I am still working through things. Sometimes I feel like I should be over it too. One thing that comforts me is knowing that the process of healing from sexual abuse is one that ebbs and flows. Sometimes in my life I feel competent, healthy and like the past is behind me. Other times, I feel like what happened is taking over my life, causing so much pain and fear that I can't control it. Things always seem to shift back to me being ok again, so I try to take comfort in knowing that.

[AngelofGrace]

A poem I wrote.... I love poetry, so easy for me to express myself with a pen and paper, not so easy with speaking.

Heart of Glass

Broken,

in a million pieces,

Trying,

I try so hard

to put the puzzle of my life

my heart,

my soul,

back together.

I am not

so strong,

as I would like to be,

know,

that I one day will be.

I grab onto

memories of

happy times,

of

love,

to paste white

the darkness,

and

fill up the emptiness,

and hang onto

the hope

that one day,

will be

whole again.

AngelofGrace

[angelic]

Hi Sarah, welcome to AS. you are wanted and needed here,

Paula

[Diamanda]

I agree. The pain comes and goes. I always had great careers, travelled the world, laughed, danced but was in intense pain all the time. Then I would break apart, put myself back together and keep going. It has only been in the last little while that I have really felt like a failure. I know that being around the guy I am with is a problem for my self-image. It is a hard blow to realize you are messed up again and need to break apart and put yourself together again, like its a never ending cycle of regeneration. Hopefully every time making the pieces fit better than the last time!

[melissa]

Hi Sarah,

Glad you gound AS...yes, I feel sometimes that I have coped so well my whole get-up is fake. I don't know how to be myself, I just slip right into the face I showed the world for years before breaking the silence. It's extremely frustrating, not to trust my own self sometimes. I'd have to say what has helped myself the most, is to let myself go. I needed to show the "Real" me, no matter what happened. A lot of the friendships/relationships I had, had ended. But they liked the fake me, and not the real one. Now, I know that the friends that I have like me, for me, and that helped. It was difficult the process in letting myself go. It involved a lot of pain as I accepted thoughts and feelings, some breakdowns, but it was worth it.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that you stay here and walk with us through your healing. Take care,

Melissa

[determined 1]

One question my friends, who's more of a screw up, the one who see's their faults and wants to heal, or the one who lives to 80 in denial of their essense only to look death in the face and know they lived a lie too late to live?

Blessings!

Stop running and you'll heal! Promise!

Edited July 22, 2007 by determined 1

[Megans]

Sarah,

I understand completely. I was in counseling - severed ties with my stepfather and have been really good for almost 10 years. Never allowing myself to be vulnerable though - keep my emotions tightly held - but in the scope of things doing really well. Coping well. My career has done well. I am respected in my field.

But then something happened - a huge trigger - and I feel stuck again.

How could I have let this happen again???? But the truth is I didn't "let" it happen. This reminds me that there is more work to do - perhaps it's time to work on the "coping too well part". Perhaps I'm ready now to push through a bit more - allow my feelings to be less restricted, my thoughts to be less controlled.

You're in my thoughts.

Megan

[girlsnz]

I have always been successful with everything I have attempted. I have a successful career. I have been married for 17 years and have 3 children. I thought i had control of everything and everything in my life was just the way it was supposed to be.

i only had one problem that concerned me. I was not capable of feeling much emotion. But other than that life was good.

Then my brother died suddenly. The rug was pulled out from under me. I fell down and did not know how to get back up. I could not turn off all the pain that resulted from this loss. 5 months later and I lost a baby in my 5th month of my pregnency. Suddenly i did not have control. These horrible things were happening at i could not do anything to stop them.

September will the 10th anniversery of my brother's death. I have been in counselling for 9 or those years. I have come to realize that I excelled and managed so well because I was afraid not to. I needed everything structured and controlled in order for me to feel any sense of security.

I also realized I was trying to gain my father's love and approval by excelling at everything I did. Never worked- but i kept trying.

I have been dealing with memories of sexual abuse for the past year and 1/2. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. Maybe I would have been better off if all of the memories had stayed buried. But I did remember and now I must deal with them because they won't go away no matter how hard I try to ignore them.

To make a long story short....

Yes, I can relate to how you feel. It seems like alot of us can.

[sisterinsurvival]

Yahoo, !
We love you, and are glad you've found AfterSilence!

I started typing about this and it went on and on and on. I am not finished, so I'll post it later. Maybe I need my own thread for this.

Just know that my mask eventually did crumble, and I am still trying to figure out who I have been left with as well.

Take care and be strong,
Lyn

[NewHope]

Wow, Sarah... I know EXACTLY how you feel. My abuse happened when I was 8, and now at 33 I feel like I have no idea who I am. For the majority of my life I've felt empty and emotionless. The only time I can really remember breaking down was the first time I told my therapist what happened. I've even told a couple of friends now, but I speak very matter-of-fact-ly. I don't think I could cry over it even if I tried. I hate feeling emotionless, but it's what's protected me from cracking until now. I'm not quite sure how to break through that... but please know you are not alone! You will find great support here.

[Justice Fighter]

Welcome to AS

i hope you find everything that you need here and are able to begin healing

JT

[-Nicole-]

Welcome to After Silence

I am sorry you are struggling, and as you say counseling hasn't "worked". I am sure through your counseling you have learned quite a bit, even if you are still working through things. I can relate so much to being in denial for a long time. It was only about 3 years that I lived like that, and when it all really hit me I pretty much had to re-learn everything. The person I had been for years before was no more and I had to learn who I was and how to be me again.

I hope you feel comfortable here and that networking with others who understand how you are feelings helps with the next step on your path. It is one of the most valuable healing tools I have found.

Nicole