I Am New And A Little Scared But Want Help

[lacylady4]

Hi everyone, I am new and a little scared but here goes. I am a survivor of rape when I was 20 years old. It happened a long time ago, but back then no one ever talked about it, much less ever reported it. My husband at the time, now ex husband, was in on the planning of the rape. He may have thought I would agree to his best friend having intercourse with me and did not consider it rape, but it was rape. I was thrown on the couch and my arms pinned and the rapist was my age and a school classmate, named Keith. He penetrated me several times while I begged him to stop. There were other issues surrounding this incident that I may feel like discussing later, but I was not in agreement with the rape. My ex husband was in the other room. He had to have heard me begging him to stop. I finally got my nerve up to tell him about 2 months later because I could not stand the thought of being around the rapist and my ex husband was still his best friend. When I told my ex I could not stand to be around Keith, my ex did not say a word. I explained why and he still did not say a word. We did however not go see Keith for about 4 months. Keith got married soon after that and my ex invited him and his new wife to live with us. (even after knowing he had raped me) Keith continued to molest me any occasion he could when his wife and my ex were not in the room. He never raped me again for fear, I believe, that his wife would find out, but I felt raped everytime he touched me inappropriately. I recently attended the wedding of one of my sons. Two weeks before the wedding I found out that Keith and his wife were invited to the wedding. I was devistated. I was in torture for 2 weeks before the wedding thinking I would have to see Keith. My ex was going to be there too. I also have Lupus and the symptoms flare up badly when I am under stress. My Lupus got so bad by the time of the wedding that I could hardly even walk. I was miserable at my own son's wedding; a time I should have been very happy about and excited. Instead I was in fear and anger about the rape and scared I would see Keith. Keith did not show up, but that did not matter. It felt to me like I had been raped and molested all over again. I am now engaged to a very wonderful man, Nolen. He is a counselor and is very understanding. I am so glad I found someone that does understand and does not blame me. I know the wedding triggered all these flashbacks and made me feel victumized all over again. I never really dealt with my feelings before now. My Psychologist is helping me and suggested I write letters to my ex and to Keith. I do not need to mail them. The letters are for me to help me heal, help me release the anger and hurt.

[sisterinsurvival]

Yahoo, !
We love you, and are glad you've found AfterSilence!

[ainedb]

Hello, I'm glad you found After Silence. I hope here you have a place you can feel comfortable talking about things you may not be ready to share out loud. I know this place helped a lot when I was first starting to come to terms with my story and gave me the courage to face a lot of the issues that eventually surfaced.

I'm sorry you had to go through such an awful experience. I can only sympathize with the betrayal you must have felt through it all-- I have had a similar story and I know how much it hurts. I am proud of you for being able to come here and share.

[audionectar]

hi Lacy,

I'm sorry to hear about your experience but so glad your able to share don't be afraid everyone here is very open and supportive.

[Saltywaters]

Welcome here.

Jo