curlyrin

Moving Towards Acceptance ***may T***

21 posts in this topic

Acceptance does not mean I condone the behavior. It does not mean that I am ok with what happened, nor does it mean that I throw my hands in the air and say "well, it happened, I'm over it". It does not wipe away the aftermath or the damage inflicted by the abuse. Acceptance is in fact, absence of denial.

It means, I stop running and I walk straight into the face of reality, the face of that little girl, that hurting and sad little girl, and I look her in the eyes and I acknowledge what happened to her. I accept the truth and the reality of what happened to her, what happened to me. I do not approve of the behavior. I do not accept the behavior. But, I accept this as a part of me. Part of who I am is a little girl who was hurt and unloved, but now a girl who grew up full of love.

I accept that they hurt me in ways unthinkable to any human. I accept all the pain, horror and emotional turmoil that goes with it. I accept that I did not deserve it, did nothing to cause it, and that I cannot change it. There is no rewind button.

For years, I have thought that to accept what happened to me meant that I was "protecting" myself. Protecting myself from pain. But the truth is that I was only hurting myself. By not accepting what happened to me, I was doing exactly what they did to me...silencing myself. I was taking away my voice. I was silencing that hurting little girl and not loving her the way she deserves to be loved. I will not take her voice away any longer.

I will accept her for all that she was, all that she did, all that she tried to do, and all that she is. I am looking her in the eyes now and allowing her to experience the love she was never given by saying "I accept you and all that happened to you as reality. I am not ashamed to be you. I am not ashamed of what you did to survive. I am proud to know someone with so much courage, strength, and resiliency." I accept everything that happened to me as truth and reality and part of what makes me, me. I accept that I could not control what happened to me, but I can see it as part of my life, and I will no longer allow myself to live in silence and pain.

I will no longer run from reality. I am in absence of denial. I accept the facts. I accept that my uncle raped me. I accept that I hurt others to save myself. I accept that I did the best I could. I accept that I reacted as normally as I could to abnormal circumstances. I accept where I am right now in my healing and I accept that I am a human being that makes mistakes and is not perfect. I accept the good, the bad, the nasty, the ugly, the painful, and the things that make my stomach turn. I accept that I have some huge things to work through. I accept that the road will be long and hard.

What I do not accept is letting them off the hook with denial. I do not accept that I am bad, wrong, or to blame. I will no longer doubt myself or my memories, as they are my reality. I do not accept denial of that beautiful little girl anymore. I will wake up everyday, look her in the eyes and accept her for who she is, a beautiful little girl with the will to survive. The abuse that I have hidden from, is part of me and I accept me.

Edited by curlyrin

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Wow.

That was one remarkable write, my dear.

Bravo!

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Wow.

That was one remarkable write, my dear.

Bravo!

Thank You. It took FOREVER to write. Now, to just get my heart to completely believe what my brain says....

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Are you all able to accept what happened to You? Are any of you still in denial or maybe bounce between acceptance and denial? I wrote this a few days ago when I was feeling empowered, but then I go through these moments where I want to just be this "other me" who is healthy and "normal" and had a normal childhood and have no "issues". I think sometimes I am just tired of having these "moments" where I do or say or react to something and then I have to try and figure out why. Wish I could say and feel this acceptance thing all the time.

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Are you all able to accept what happened to You? Are any of you still in denial or maybe bounce between acceptance and denial? I wrote this a few days ago when I was feeling empowered, but then I go through these moments where I want to just be this "other me" who is healthy and "normal" and had a normal childhood and have no "issues". I think sometimes I am just tired of having these "moments" where I do or say or react to something and then I have to try and figure out why. Wish I could say and feel this acceptance thing all the time.

I have accepted it and I am working towards incorporation and all that it means. To incorporate what happened into who I am and accept what it did to me emotionally and physically, to acknowledge it and be Ok with myself and who I have become. Understanding that I am a work in progress and will continue to improve and the sky is the limit to who I can become. That doesn't mean I am Ok with what happened or that I wanted it to happen but just that it did and I feel good about myself knowing I did the best that I could at the time. It takes a while to get to that point. That to me is what acceptance means. That I know what happened - I am able to admit it to myself and to the rest of the world and not be ashamed because I have nothing to be ashamed of. I like what you wrote in your first post, it is ugly and horrible but to work through it, I think we have to admit first that it happened, really admit it....YES, I was RAPED! and it HURT ME! I accept that my inaction after the first rape allowed him to feel bold enough to come back and do it again. Dwelling on it is not going to help me recover. I am a survivor and I will be OK. I know that it wasn't my fault, I did the best that I could at the time with all of the knowledge I had at the time and the feelings I was experiencing at the time. I forgive myself for whatever I think I should have done and didn't. Truthfully though, I do not need that forgiveness from myself because - I did nothing wrong! I am a beautiful person with a beautiful soul (just as we all are).

I accept that it happened and I accept that worrying and replaying is not going to help me, thinking about what I could have, should have and would have done if *i had known better* does nothing to help me heal. It only hinders my progress, keeps me trapped in a cycle of misery. When we think about what happened we need to think about it in terms of finality. It happened, it freaking sucked and was terrible but there is nothing in the world that is going to change it. The only thing we can change is ourselves. How we view what happened to us and how we learn to incorporate the experience into who we are. We have the rare opportunity to rebuild ourselves from the ashes of who we were. We can take this opportunity and make the best of it or we can not, this is something that belongs to each and every one of us.

I will not run any more. I am thankful that I am alive today, I am grateful that I survived him. I am proud of who I am. Life is precious and I deserve to have it. I have good days and I have bad days (oh boy do I have bad ones once in a while) and the good days will eventually outnumber the bad days (I think they already do). I am grateful that this has given me compassion that I may not have had, understanding for the pain that others may feel. It has given me the opportunity to reach out and help others, maybe, just maybe my experience and sharing that experience can save another from the pain that I faced. That would truly be a blessing, if I could know that I helped another or better, saved them from something horrible.

Maybe that's a way I feel I need to attone for my inaction, letting my rapist go off scott free so that he can continue to hurt another and another, and another. I feel a little bit of guilt for that but only a little and I am working through that. I simply did the best I could - we can ask no more or no less of another, why would I ask that of myself. I have resolved that I will come forward if I hear of him being charged and that is the best that I can do right now.

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I don't know if I have accepted it or not. It is what it is, and it isn't going away so I might as well deal with it or continue to be miserable.

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:flowers: yes, I accepted my abuse a long time ago. It doesnt stop me longing for a 'normal' childhood like my siblings had, though.

That was an excellent post. thanks for sharing it.

best wishes, Paula

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great post and nod in agreement with amykat and curly. i have accepted <partly> that the childhood a$use wasn't my fault, and am working on forgiving myself. the other it'll take more time to forgive myself,but i feel myself having more empowered/good days than bad and the bad/ugly weren't as 'intense' <counselor taught me intensity> as it was before. i definately still have the denial vs acceptance part, not denial of that it happend..for both i accepted it happend, but denial of how much pain i'm in because of what happend and allowing my emotions and not fight it so much and be easier on myeslf and not punish myself...etc along that line. i do have a lot of guilt not reporting both but i did what i had to do to survive and it isn't my guilt to carry, nor is it fair for me with everything else i already throw on my back. i love and so proud/honored for the compassion and understanding i have of people because of my pain in life, but i accept and admit that i am far from being 'normal' or whatever the terms is. yes the bad days are less but they're still there and some days it's horrific and i still go back to the 'what if' and such....really difficult to fight that and see the light at the end of the tunnel, but i try to focus on the positive of compassion and such i have, as i have always said. 'without pain and suffering. there is no compassion'. you can even find the word PAIN in comPAssIoN....today in counseling i'm finally able to open up<slightly> about my childhood a#use and feel i'm at the place right now in my life, forgiveness on myself then my parents later on. i don't want to keep letting that affect my life and hold me back, life is so much more than what they did and i'm tired of being 'stuck' in that moment of my life...i deserve and ACCEPT/KNOW i want a better life and not feel 'held back' by what happend for more than 10 years.

there are lots of quotes that i love that are related to this aspect/post.

'holding on to anger is like holding onto a piece of charcoal, in the end you're the only 1 getting burned.'

'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'

'strength does not come from physical capacity, it comes from an indomitable will'.

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wow. You guys are awesome. Thank you so much for your replies and discussion. I have been holding on to that struggle on my own for a long time. People have tried to help me process it, but I just have never felt like they "get it" (haven't been through similar experiences). You all, you get it....and you make my mind turn (in a good way!) thank you!

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this is amazing...I am glad I found this post/thread!

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Yes, OMG this is so what I needed to read tonight

I am so glad Dochas found this and Curlyrin wrote it, what a powerful message.

:hug:

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Yes, OMG this is so what I needed to read tonight

I am so glad Dochas found this and Curlyrin wrote it, what a powerful message.

:hug:

Thank you....I haven't been on this site for a long time and I am having a hard time right now....

rereading my own post was exactly what I needed to realize I was running again.

It is time to let go and let God again!

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I kind of bounce between acceptance and denial too. yesterday was my FIRST night of acceptance, before that i was sure it hadn't happened at all. THen my boyfriend was like, "HE RAPED YOU" and I just cried and cried and realized he was right..that I couldn't just act like nothing had happened anymore, but today, I feel again, like it wasn't real and really I'd prefer it not have been.

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I'm not sure where I am in accepting it. I came across AS last night for the very first time and reading what some of you amazing people have wrote has made me think. I've only reported one of the attackers and I feel it made things worse. It was a family member and my family all took his side, and after my grandma died and I couldn't attend her funeral because I was afraid i'd see him. It makes thing impossible to tell on the others because i'm afraid that it will mess things up worse I don't know if I could live without family. I don't know how I feel about any of it. I don't think i'm a survivor. What makes a survivor?

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This is a very moving post. It says a lot to me about where I am and where I one day would like to be.

For me I struggle the most with accepting (forgiving?) myself for not doing more at the time of the abuse. One person wrote about the fact that they did not act the first time and how it helped the abuser feel the power to come back a second time. This is the darkest part of my heart... I did not do enough to stop what was happening to me.

My husband and I have gone over this time and time again, and while I can wrap my mind around the fact that I was a child and acted as most children would in that place... my heart will not allow me to forgive the child who let it happen a second time before speaking up. I struggle with the fact that I was not a person who was told that others would be hurt or not love me... there were no words exchanged. But still I did not say anything... not until the second time. How do you move what your head knows to your heart? What do I need to do to find peace with this part of the anger/guilt/pain?

I don't think I can start to heal until I allow this child in my heart to find peace with herself...

I can't seem to forgive her/me

I let it happen, I did not stop it and the guilt/ shame is eating me alive.

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wow. that was deep. i really liked it. im glad you have accepted what happened to you, im sure it wasnt easy.

i dont think ive accepted it. to be honest ive never thought about it. thanks for posting that, bc thats something i need to do, accept.

Edited by prezioso

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I will accept her for all that she was, all that she did, all that she tried to do, and all that she is. I am looking her in the eyes now and allowing her to experience the love she was never given by saying "I accept you and all that happened to you as reality. I am not ashamed to be you. I am not ashamed of what you did to survive. I am proud to know someone with so much courage, strength, and resiliency." I accept everything that happened to me as truth and reality and part of what makes me, me. I accept that I could not control what happened to me, but I can see it as part of my life, and I will no longer allow myself to live in silence and pain.

I re-read that over and over for the last ten minutes and its perhaps the most inspirational thing I've seen on this site yet. I congratulate you on getting to this point & you've inspired me to try my hardest to be able to see myself the same way. Thank you.

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I joined AS a little while ago...and perhaps that was my first real choice toward acceptance...and writing here is decidedly the second. (thanks to katemonster for replying yesterday and bringing it into the new post category)

I have been in counseling for 4 years already and just in the last few months have been able to start discussing ALL of the details...but even then, only of one of the most recent instances... It took me that long to fully trust that something terrible wouldn't happen when I said the things that don't fit with my story of my life this far.

I would still say if asked by someone I don't know well or if someone in my family asked for a childhood recap that I had a great one. My family wasn't a violent one (at least overtly so), they were fairly well-off, there was always food on the table and I could take part in almost anything I wanted (school, sports, etc.). But if you add in the parts where alcoholism kept my mom from being present from elementary school through college for me and her marriage choice was a man with boiling rage just below the surface...and the picture is skewed a little. I am just now starting to realize how absent she must have been to not notice the neighbor boy and his older brother for two years when I was in the second grade. And now having flashbacks of things I have no memory of or context for. Just know I was little and he was an adult. The only thing that fits there is her never ending stream of "dates" in between my dad leaving and husband #2. But to be fair, I have nothing save the scene shrouded in darkness and the panic, stomach flip and localized heat that scene created.

My T calls it acknowledge and accept.

And I have been fighting it tooth and nail the whole time. Probably wouldn't have even thought of what happened as bad except for the part where I thought I was pregnant at 9 (and some days not even then)... For sure wouldn't have gone to counseling for it. So it was all the adult stuff that brought me into counseling...and just now starting to think what if the adult stuff elicited such a strong reaction (and an equally strong denial and pushback) because of what happened earlier.

I don't know how to explain it, but it's like my brain can't handle the label. Somehow it thinks it knows what SA looks like...and who I am and what my childhood was like wasn't it. (Not that my brain can name what is, just for sure not me.) The lawyer in my head has argued against the facts for years (maybe you misunderstood that, you chose to do that--or at least you must have since you don't remember how it started, maybe you are remembering incorrectly, you can't prove it with corroborating evidence or beyond a reasonable doubt)...

But...

But the adult me is having a hard time reconciling all the...I guess you'd call them syptoms...things that only people with a history of SA have. Way more than once in my descriptions of things and responses to certain things, my T has said something about textbook CSA. In my wildest dreams I couldn't have created the flashbacks...have never felt anything that strongly in my life. Wouldn't be able to make myself wake up at the same time each night, some nights in a panic--trying hard to breathe, having to talk myself into swallowing before I can breathe, struggling to stay present in normal day to day... And there are so many more...

It is these things along with the memories I do have that make me think what happened was a big deal. That somehow the "happy" childhood I try to pretend I had was anything but.

But letting that be real and *just exist* seems beyond what I can handle.

But years of denying it ever existed hasn't gotten me anywhere...and this small voice in my head has been repeating for years that things can be better...that things will be better.

There is a hope for tomorrow.

For now, I'm settling for what I can...that what happened when I was little wasn't good or *normal*....that my childhood included SA...is possible. Probable actually.

Edited by n2diving

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Very well put. Thank you for sharing.

Found

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