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Dear Me

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I've been beating myself up a lot lately, so I think this is a good way to challenge myself and that thought process.

Dear Me.
I know how badly you hurt right now. You can laugh, though. You still have your sense of humor, you have retained your compassion, your love of art, animals, music, movies, and other interests. I know you feel broken and ruined, but you aren't. Think of that picture you drew. The one with you shattered, with cracks and chunks missing. I know you feel that makes you irreparable, but think of filling those gaps up with steel. It won't be the same as it was before, but it will be stronger. That's how it is. You are and always will be different than you would be if you weren't abused, but you're also going to have valuable tools you wouldn't have had otherwise. You're going to be stronger because of this.
I'm not going to lie to you. It's going to get harder. It's going to be, at times, terrifying. You're going to go more and more places that are full of shame and fear. You're going to break down barriers, explore things inside yourself you'd rather turn away from, but it will be worth it. You will get past this constant pain. You will go on to do good things in the world. You'll look back on this many years from now and think, "Wow. Look at what I did. That took courage."
It's going to painful; healing doesn't happen overnight and certainly not easily. Trust the process. Keep going even when you feel like giving up. Keep people who support you close. Don't be afraid of trusting. You don't want to be abandoned or rejected so you don't want to trust because you're afraid of getting hurt, but you're hurting already. You can't do this alone, so please don't trick yourself into thinking you can again.
Keep the faith.
-Yourself

Edited by AWhisperofTruth

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I love this exercise-- I started a theme on my blog, called "Open Letter" series after my therapist and I decided that this was a good healing tool for me, and one of the first letters I did, was one to myself. I'll post it here.

Dear Heather,

There are so many things about you that I love. Your kind heart, the beauty in everyone that you search to see, and the compassion that you exude. I love your smile, and the way that your eyes light up when you talk about something that is your passion. I love watching you fall in love, with not only Curt, but yourself. I love that you are finding that happy balance in your life. You deserve it.

I love that you can find the good in everyone. I love that you can make a crowd of people laugh harder than anyone I know. But most of all, I love that you are a survivor. Someone who has taken the painful side of their past, and wrapped it in your life. Even though it has defined you, it has become you, it has still not fully consumed you. I love that about you. I love that you are consistently inconsistent, and that you answer to no one, but yourself.

I love that you have confidence, as a woman, as a mentor, as a friend. That you care more about your friends & family, then you do about yourself at times. I love that you want to rescue every sick kitten, puppy, and animal you come into contact with. I love that you put your heart and soul into life, no matter what the occasion is.

But with all the things I love, there are so many that I hate still.

I hate that you still blame yourself. I hate that you can’t forgive him just yet. I hate that you make excuses for yourself, knowing that there is no excuse for his actions towards you. I hate that you can’t move on from this because you won’t take some of those crucial steps.

I hate that you stop therapy at the drop of a hat because you don’t want to get close to anyone again. I hate that you can’t sleep for more than 3 hours at a time because your dreams are ripped open by painful flashbacks that literally cause you to scream out. I hate that, as punishment (which is something we’ll talk about in a minute), you force yourself to remember every little detail in hopes of finding a flaw in yourself, instead of him.

I hate that you even feel the need to punish yourself to begin with. Why do you need to be punished? What could you have done, at any point in your life, that would merit being sexually and physically abused by someone? I hate that you don’t have the trust to admit to yourself that you need help. I hate that you don’t want to reach out anymore, that you feel like you should “have control” of the situation by now.

I hate that you feel that this “situation” is even a “situation”. It’s not a situation, Heather. It’s a part of your life, one that you can never take back. I hate that you want to play the martyr, and try and act as though you have gotten through this, even though you know you have not. I hate that you don’t allow yourself to speak to others, that you don’t feel as though you are worth it. I hate that you don’t feel that you are strong, that you are an inspiration to someone, anyone out there who has been through, or is going through, what you have.

And most importantly, I hate that you can’t stop putting up walls, when instead you could, and should be tearing them down.

But remember this, Heather.

You’ve come so far. And you have more to go. But you are never on this journey alone. You have friends, you have family, and you have someone who is not only your best friend, but your future husband to support you. In any way. You are loved, you are cherished, not only by those listed above, but by yourself.

You are a survivor. You will rise above this.

You will prove to him that you are not just a w**re, you are not worthless, you are not a piece of trash, and you are much more important that he ever thought.

Be proud of yourself, Heather. Our journey is only starting.

Love,

Me

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Written from age 16 to up till now

Dear me

Today you said no more. He tried but you stayed true to your word and eventually he stopped trying. That took so much courage. It took 13 years to stop him but you did it. YOU did it. You should feel so proud of yourself.

It wasn’t your fault when the other, abused and raped you. You were still only a child. REMEMBER THAT. One day you WILL cry for her and believe in her again.

You had four beautiful children. You always made sure they were safe when visiting him. In between the bad times you were a good mum. As good a mum as you could be at the time. It wasn’t your fault you were so angry. You had every right to be. Stop beating yourself up about that period in you life. IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT - believe it.

You were so brave to go and ask for help and tell that you were hurting your kids. SO BRAVE.

Finally you found out where the anger was coming from and you opened up. You confronted him and then your family. You moved fast and tried to make amends. It was amazing you stayed sane but you did. I applaud you for that.

Then again you were drawn back in, but again you reached out for help, even though it was at a distance. You knew what you needed and had the courage to ask. Big hugs.

Yesterday you took a huge step and went to see a counsellor. Even though you were shaking inside you did what was needed and achieved. Now you can continue to heal and hopefully one day accept what should never have belonged to you in the first place.

One day you and I will be reunited and then we will rejoice, but until then kia kaha.

Much aroha

the other me

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Dear Freya,

Believe yourself. Try to stop denying what happened to you, and minimising it so that you can pretend everything is ok. The things that happened did happen, and it's ok for you to feel the hurt. Your hurt is real. Try to hear me when I tell you that the things happened because the people that hurt you made very bad choices, NOT because you deserved it or didn't do enough to stop it. You didn't do anything wrong when you couldn't shout out or fight them off because you were so afraid. You are not doing anything wrong now that you find it so hard to let yourself feel angry or sad because I know you are terrified of feeling those things. You are beautiful and lovable and you are not alone. Try to listen to your body and try to allow yourself to feel. You won't be destroyed by your feelings. I know they feel completely terrifying, and that it's very hard for you to allow yourself to feel but know that you can do this, that you can heal. You are brave, strong and flexible. You can do this.

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Dear Jessica

I'm so sorry for what happened. You never deserved any of it and I wish you would acknowledge this. You were so young and you had to deal with far too much for your age. It's okay to be hurt and grieve the loss of your childhood, because no child should have had to go through any of that.

I am so very proud of you. Proud that you have made it this far, that despite all the pain you have persevered even when you felt like giving up. I know that even now you still think low of yourself, but you have every reason out there to be proud of the person that you are and love yourself for it.

We all have our flaws, but you are a beautiful person. You care about others, and though this may not always come across to others, it's who you are. You've simply been hurt too much to allow others close to you and you are the last person to be at fault for this. Your strength and determination shines through at the moments it's needed the most and you're not afraid to do what you feel is right. You are loving, and you show people this. People do love you, your friends love you, the sweet caring man beside you loves you, and most importantly, your mother loves you. A love that no one can take away, and I want you to know this.

What happened to you wasn't your fault. You were young, damaged and you wanted to feel loved. It was never your fault. He took advantage of you at your weakest and what he did was rape. He violated you in the worst way anyone could and you loving him never made it okay. You said no, and you did fight. It would be wrong to expect anything more out of a young teen. You did the best you could and it's over now. He's not in your life anymore and it's in the past. Forgive yourself for what happened, darling, because none of it was ever your fault.

You never asked for it to happen, no one does.

I'm so proud of you. For what you've made of yourself and how much you've endured.

You deserve to be happy.

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Dear me,

We need to talk, we should have had this convo years ago but i guess it's better

late then never.

I know you feel hopeless and worthless but you were made to feel that way its not the truth.

The truth is you dont realise how strong and amazing you are to have overcome such a horrific experiance at such a young age.

I know you feel like you have acheived nothing in you life but with your inner strength, maturity and level headedness you pulled your self through a difficault time although there is still a long way to go.

That is the biggest acheivement so be proud of yourself!

I would like to talk the young girl inside for a moment who is still inside because she hasnt fully developed mentally to grow out of you. I want to give her the hug she never had and tell her..

Listen to me when I say you are not at fault.. you didnt contribute in anyway,

you are not to blame. You didn't allow it to happen.. you were just paralysed by the shock.

Dont think nobody would have cared or believed you.. you just hid it so well.

You don't have to hide the hurt from me I know you feel pain and it's okay to cry.

You can talk to me I care for you.. your not alone anymore.

I know you walk with your head down in shame but your not the shamefull one he is to blame.

Its time to reprogram and fully comprehend the truth.. you are the innocent little girl

that was violated in a sexual way.

who learnt to accept but not condone it in anyway.. but was mature enough to accept it happens

and trys to deal with it in your own way.

You just need to find your self worth again.. he made you this way but now its

Time To Break The Chain!

Yours Trully,

Yourself

Edited by Haych25

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Dear me,

You need to stop panicking so terribly and face your fears so you can finally live life the way you want to. Stop letting what that jack*** did hold you back from your dreams, because he didn't take away what makes you you. It's not your fault nor was it ever. Stop feeling like you're a terrible person because you aren't driving to his house, beating his a**, and preventing him from ever taking advantage of another person. I know that the more people you find out that he did this to the angrier you get and the more of a "hero" you want to be, but going to jail won't help you at all. The people who are truly terrible for not acting are the people who are around him and know what he's up to and do nothing about it. Even more horrible is Jason. He'll never grow up. You heard yourself how much worse he's gotten.

I'm not sure what else to say... Let's go to bed. I hope some day you can sleep without checking to see if he's at the foot of your bed.

Love,

Yourself

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Your fine just the way you are

Dear Mini Me

I’m sorry no one told you how sweet and pretty you were. You were an innocent and honest little girl, and you deserved to be loved and cared for. No one deserves to be called stupid, fat, or told eyes. You were given too much responsibility from a young age and you had to learn to look after yourself and your siblings.

I’m sorry your mother abused you under the umbrella of strict discipline. No child deserves to drink their own blood, whipped with a wire or poked in the eye and all the other cruel things she did to you. Constantly living in fear of attack and being told “I bought you into this world and I can take you out” no one deserves to live in fear of dying. It’s not a nice way to live, and it unfair and I’m sorry you had to live like that. I know you weren’t allowed to have friends, and that shouldn’t have been allowed to happen. You are no bodies’ property and you deserve the right to have freedom to play to laughs and to make friends with who you choose.

Im glade you found a way through all the heart ache and pain. I know you spent many minutes, hours, and days day dreaming and you very much enjoyed the ability to escape from reality.

I also know you learnt to turn off you feeling and emotions from a very young age , I’m glad you were able to protect yourself. I’m sorry no one came to help you but I’m proud you made it own your own.

You sheltered life and your obedient quiet personality made you a target from sexual predictors. I’m sorry you had to endure so much pain in silence. I hope you know you are not to blame and have never been.

I have and I always will always love you and it’s important that you remember that, because without you I would not have become the bright, articulate, loveable young lady you see today.

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Dear Broken,

What happened to you was NOT your fault. You didn’t know that when you started dating him he would turn out to be the man he was. You didn’t know about the drugs, you didn’t know about his temper, you thought he was good guy. I know that right now it seems like everything is your fault, for hanging out with him, for not leaving the relationship sooner, but you were scared and rightfully so. I’m not going to lie, it will take you a long time to feel even a little better then you do now but it does get better. You are a lot stronger then you think you are and you CAN pull through all of this. You will go on to school and make amazing friends that even though they don’t know it saved your life. They will help you just by being a friend that you can trust. Don’t close yourself off just because one person in your life hurt you. You will learn to love again. You are amazing, now you can smile without feeling guilty, so hold your head high and say he won’t control my life, only I can do that. Walk away from it all because you are better then what he made you and you won’t let him control your life. Love yourself, believe in yourself, and don’t forget you’re beautiful.

Love,

Moving on

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Dear self -

I hope this letter finds you well - as you're learning to be. I know these past years have been hard for you. I know you have a hard time trusting, that you still, sometimes, believe you aren't worth anything. But yet, sometimes you're doing well. You're amazing.

I want you to know that eventually, this will all be behind you. But you still know that this will also always be a part of you - and that nothing you ever say or do will lessen the pain that you feel some nights, alone, or in the shower, or just...there. But you also know that you will learn to be stronger than those people that hurt you. Because ultimately, you are far better than those people who have caused you pain.

There is hope for you yet, that someday you will open your mouth and the words will flow forth as you want them to, that they will not be dammed up, caught in your chest and throat, sticking painfully as they do now. Someday you will blink your eyes and allow yourself to cry if you desire to do so, if something does catch in your throat, you can let it out through your tears. Someday, you will be able to offer a better shoulder and ear to those who feel close enough to you to speak of their experiences, because your shame won't get in the way of your understanding.

I offer you this and much more - that you will heal, that you will live, that you will thrive and prosper through all this.

Never forget that you are well-loved.

~Baroness

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I posted this before the site crash and a friend mentioned she had a similar T assignment so I thought I'd bump it again. Not sure if I still feel the same but it was interesting to reread.

Letter to myselves written in 2012 sometime.


Dear 15 year old me,


You actually have no idea. You think you do but you don’t. Right now you feel like you should have known better, and you should have (you aren’t stupid) but that is not an excuse for what happened tonight. It was not because of what you did, that he did what he did. He did it because he thought it was OK to ignore the words ‘no’ and ‘stop’. Well guess what? Not OK. And he did it, not you.


I know as well that you feel like you could’ve fought harder, and that feeling will grow over time until you imagine you allowed it to happen. And by default that you somehow endorsed it, perhaps encouraged him to force you. You didn’t. Of course you bloody well didn’t. And surviving was more important then. He threatened you remember and it was believable. He was out of control, anything could have happened. You sensed it, you did the right thing.


But if I could teleport back to that night I would ask you to change one thing. When Miss sees you, knows there is something wrong, tell her! Tell her what just happened! If only you had, it might well have changed what comes.


You lose Paul soon. I know you feel that is your fault as well, but telling someone is not poison enough to kill them. Try, try to not hurt yourself anymore. It was not your fault.


Dear 22 year old me,


You have every idea. You know how it happens. I don’t forgive you. I hate you. You knew better. You knew he was out there. How could you ignore the risk? He did it, but you put yourself in harm’s way. If you walk home on a motor way you are going to get squashed. You knew what that risk really meant. Well actually you didn’t as it turns out but you knew the reality of rape and you should not have even for a second been somewhere where that could happen again. Grrr!!


Oh dear. Are we destined to lock horns, you and I, forever? How is it that my today self can forgive the 15yr old ‘us’ for not telling and yet not forgive 22yr old us for just trying to live like a 22yr old should? I tell you why, because you were an adult and you knew it was a very real possibility. How could you be so cavalier with our sanity and our safety? ....Did you want it? Was it really just stupidity and drunkenness or was it self destruction?
OK I’m taking a deep breath. I’m really trying now to take that back and to stop insulting you Miss 22.


Do you know something? I never quite realised how split we are. This letter has made me aware of that. And something else. This is quite big I think:
I forgive you for surviving. I’m glad you did, both from the attack, which was a miracle let’s face it, and from the ... after. I have to catch my breath now because in 13 years I have rarely let myself think about that. OK I’m going to say it again. I’m glad you made it. I’m glad you survived. And now I’m crying which is rare, and I’m licking the salty tears because they are sharp, and real, and I want to remember them. They are tears that are saying I’m glad to be alive, I’m glad I survived. A gut wrenching turnaround from that place... you know where I mean.


I wish with all my heart that I had played the game a different way but here I am, the sum total of my experiences. We do manage to grow up and get married and have children and find normaility. Of a sort. That is no small achievement. I am happy to be crying about being alive, so I guess you can’t have been all bad 22. But I think I’ll leave you out of my lottery numbers if it is all the same with you.

N

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Once, I looked in the mirror and saw an image of myself from the future. It was about a year after T invaded into my life and a little over a year before I got out. In the vision I was thin but not emaciated; I was surrounded by light and there was the definite sense that I was surrounded by children. My hair looked to be graying and my eyes had light wrinkles around them. I was wearing a light blue or purple dress/skirt outfit. Without realizing it, I purchased that outfit at goodwill shortly after I got free.

Dear me,

You are more than what has happened to you. You are more than who you were born to be. Your future is greater than what you were told in the past.

Someday, it won't be like this. You will be free. You will walk in the streets and not be afraid. There will be sounds of laughter around you. Many, many children will love you. You will find that you have a purpose for being here. That purpose is light. You will not be so hungry anymore. You will have accomplishments, and joy, in your life.

You will be older then. You will have the good things that come with age. You will find your wings, and fly, and soar, and fly again.

Love,

*

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Dear Gayle.

It is four and a half years since the night you were raped.

You have been through so much, lost friends, and lost your identity.

You are finally forging a new identity for yourself.

It wasn't your fault. You said you didn't want to have sex, and Mark chose to ignore that. It was a power trip for him. Pure violence. You have so much humility after what you have been through.

It's time to start loving yourself. You are a beautiful person, who isn't damaged goods. Give yourself time and the walls you have created will open when you are ready. Those who truly care will be patient.

The fact you are able to acknowledge what has happened is a massive step. You should be really proud of this.

You are starting to remember the person you were before the rape. It's ok that you are not the same person, you are bringing some previous memories into your new identity.

You are a great swimmer, you forgot how good you were and how much it was a big part of your life. You are a strong person, and your daughter looks up to you. Keep bring the amazing person you are. Your identity is there, just keep looking.

Love yourself for the beautiful person you are.

Love from me. Xx

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Dear Gayle.

It is four and a half years since the night you were raped.

You have been through so much, lost friends, and lost your identity.

You are finally forging a new identity for yourself.

It wasn't your fault. You said you didn't want to have sex, and Mark chose to ignore that. It was a power trip for him. Pure violence. You have so much humility after what you have been through.

It's time to start loving yourself. You are a beautiful person, who isn't damaged goods. Give yourself time and the walls you have created will open when you are ready. Those who truly care will be patient.

The fact you are able to acknowledge what has happened is a massive step. You should be really proud of this.

You are starting to remember the person you were before the rape. It's ok that you are not the same person, you are bringing some previous memories into your new identity.

You are a great swimmer, you forgot how good you were and how much it was a big part of your life. You are a strong person, and your daughter looks up to you. Keep bring the amazing person you are. Your identity is there, just keep looking.

Love yourself for the beautiful person you are.

Love from me. Xx

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Dear joey

You been thru a lot growing up, but the one thing that was the worst was the sexual abuse you got from your dad. It left you with confusion, saddness, shame and guilt now as an adult. You don't deserve all those terrible emotions! You deserve to be mind free of all this cause it was not your fault. We need to stop making this hold you back in your life. You deserve to live a carefree life now, not locked up in these chains! I could imagine how confusing it was for you at that time, didn't know who to turn to, scared, lost, you poor thing! So sorry you went thru that, it must of been so hard. You was just looking to be loved! A happy go lucky normal innocent kid you were, not looking to start conflict, but just looking to be a kid and have fun! Unfortunately against your will these bad things happened to you, like the sexual abuse and there is nothing you could of done to change that, no kid could in your shoes. It was just bad luck! You were the victim, the innocent bystander, your dad was deceptive in his words, he knew what he was doing to keep you coming back for more. It was all plotted out by him and it's easy for an adult to deceive a child, an adult has so much more knowledge than any child, that's just how it goes. So it wasn't you being gullible, any kid would of fell for your dad's deception. You are not being selfish either by not reporting your dad, it's not an easy task for anyone who goes thru this. I understand he can hurt other victims if this stays quiet, like your brothers kids, but stop berating yourself about it and thinking you are selfish for keeping it to yourself, it's not that at all, it's such a delicate matter and in the wrong hands, your story, can drive you to hurt yourself or worst. So this is a truly serious matter, see it that way! Stop blaming yourself. Your gonna live a carefree life now, you'll work on this pain but you will aim toward carefree and no worries about this abuse. It'll take a bit of time but your so strong that you will overcome this! You got this joey!!!

I love you always and forever!

Love

Myself

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Tryin this to see what gets written

Dear little 6 year old me

You always knew dad didn't want you, that you were the wrong sex and that his family started with your brothers so why would you think that night was any different, I know you don't remember much other than him undressing you, being so scared you were going to get beaten again if you didn't comply, I don't blame you for going up to the ceiling for the first time, I really don't, he was evil. It is good that you can't remember more, please don't be frightened to talk to me, I understand more now than you think.

Dear 18 year old me

You were such a goody 2 shoes, still not believing there was bad out there in the big wide world, it was just a birthday party, you were so excited to be invited and allowed to go. they were people you knew and trusted from college, *nice* boys, so if they were so nice how come you woke in hospital, what happened?, I believe you that you didn't have too much too drink even though every one said you were out of your skull, drugged?, yes I believe you were. The horror of finding yourself pregnant 6 weeks later, the shame that was heaped on you, no one believed you didn't even know how it happened, chucked out of the house to fend for yourself, the word *the shame of it* ringing in your ears. Attempted sui. When you had to leave work a man from the management offered to take you in as a nanny to his little boy, parents delighted, they later had words with him and believe they persuaded him to marry you; He did by the time you were 19 and had given birth, then hell on earth began, no way out.to scared to leave, he would keep the kids, already got custody of the boy, so he could get the girls too so he said. I am so sorry to have put you through all that. I know you did your very best to be a good wife and mother. Understand why you are so angry with me. Wish we could talk

Dear grown up .... deleted... :tear:

I FORGIVE YOU , not your fault, you did what you had to, I believe you developed Stockholms Syndrome and never saw your life for what it was. I know the kids don't hold anything against you, in fact the very opposite they say you were a fantastic mum always looking out for them, sheltering them from the worst of his abuses. You did you best girl you really did

P.S. 4 1/2 hours later. I have been thinking a lot about what was written here, even the bit I felt obliged to delete. I am glad I wrote it even if I did cry doing it, as I am now, but happy tears cos I really think I have forgiven myself today :comfort:

Edited by reglois

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Dear Smalls,

What happened to you was wrong. It was not your fault, you were four years old. You didn't understand what he was asking you to do, and it's not your fault that you were afraid to say no, it's not your fault that you still loved him, even if the things he did to you made you feel bad and wrong. I'm so sorry you felt like you had to keep that secret for so long, I know you were just afraid of getting in trouble, but it wasn't you who was bad, it was him, all of it. You are a good and brave little girl, who deserves to be able to say what she needs, even though you feel ashamed or weak for having those needs. There is nothing wrong with you, you are not bad, and you are not broken. You will get through this, and you will find people who love you and support you, and who don't blame you for what happened. Please trust them, they want to look after you, and they will do an amazing job. It's okay to be scared and sad about what happened, they're normal feelings, and even though you don't like them, they're important. It will take time, but you will heal, and you will survive. You've survived so much already.

Love,

Me

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Dear 21 year old me

It was so easy for me to blame you, after it happened thinking you should of known better, but how could you, you did nothing wrong and everything right, I know you was a good girl, had respect for yourself, and I know he was sick, I know what he did, and all the times I thought you should of known all the times I thought it was all your fault it wasn't, it was all him, you tried to escape him, you didn't want what happened you didn't even understand what happened, not all of it, not truly how could you? you had never known such a sick person before, and your NOTHING like him, all of what he did, the blame and shame lies with him. I know how much he hurt you, because I am you and I go forward maybe a little older maybe even a little wiser but I still carry your pain and confusion but not blame that doesn't belong to you it never did! your still whole your still clean, your still the woman you always set out to be!

Love always Me.

Edited by lexip

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Dear, sweet me,

You don't see in yourself what others see. That is a fact. You have no need to fixate on your short-comings, because they're nothing compared to your strengths. Keep your chin up. Know that you are intelligent, beautiful, and loved, even though you don't see it. You sell yourself short because of deep-rooted insecurities. Is that your fault? Nope, it is not. But, it is not what is true. Keep in touch with your heart and your gut, and remember that YOU. ARE. GOOD. ENOUGH. just the way you are.

Much love,

Courtney

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