Hi I'm New Here & My Story

[SMarie]

Hi all,

My name is S. Marie (S is my real first intial and Marie is my real middle name), I usually use my full first and middle name but I rather not, right now at least. I'm 33 almost 34. I'm a survivor of incest....

I don't know how many survivors here don't actually remember what they survived. Well that's me and incest. I was a baby/toddler when it happened, by my biological father, or the "sperm donor" as I call him. When my mother finally learned what was going on she divorced him and I haven't had any contact with him since I was 2. My half-brother and sister were victims of this as well, they were older but only my brother had any clear memory of what happened, but I've never really talked to him about it. I may have had more memories when I was younger but they're gone now, but the knowledge is still there and it's followed me like an evil ghost all my life. On top of what he did to us, he also murdered a dog we had as we as a baby bunny I was given. I guess I just don't understand why any one could do that to a baby let alone their own child! This "thing", cause it doesn't deserve to be called a person, was just evil!

I've never really liked talking to therapists about my private problems, every time I was would finally get comfortable enough with someone, they'd inform me they were leaving and I just gave up trying therapy altogether.

One thing that really bothers me as an adult is the knowledge that "it" might have remarried and had more children, my brothers and sisters, and that he did this to them as well! Now and then I'd do a search for "it's" name on the internet, never really finding anything, that is until last night, when I think I came across the obituary for my biological grandfather, "it's" father.

The person in the obit had the full name of my bio. grandfather, as well as the full name of "it", and the dead man lived in the state I was born and was from the state "it" was born. There was a picture of him and my mother says it was my bio. grandfather but her memory isn't the best, but the pieces fit and if it isn't him, it's really a bunch of coincidences!

The obit said where the son was living and I did a search for "it" on a People Search and found a phone number and address. But what I can do with that info I don't know. I don't want "it" to know where I am or to have any contact with "it". But if I do have brothers and sisters I would like to know, though what I can do with that knowledge I have no idea! What am I supposed to do, call and say "Hi, I think I might be your father's first born child he hasn't had contact with since she was 2 and oh by the way has he ever touched you inappropriately and could you keep this phone call a secret from him please?!" Not likely! Part of me wants to know and part of me doesn't, but it all comes down to: how would I even find out if I wanted to? It just really scares me.

Well that's me, I can't promise I'll be very vocal, but thank you for reading, and any comments or advice would be great, thanks!

SM

[Survivors sanctuary]

Welcome

[determined 1]

I have 2 half sisters and a half bro' that I have never met and know nothing of me or that my Da is also their father, (bio). I often think of them but I know that one at least has a very good family and is very close to her Dad.

I have one "sister", and though I think fondly of the others, they are not my sisters or brother in anything but genetics. It still has the power to make my father tear up, and believe me that's not easily done, but he has made sure of who and where they are and has asked my sis and i not to try and contact them and disrupt their lives. I will honor that wish.

Starting this will be like opening pandora's box, and ultimately may cause you all more pain.

Blessings to you, and yours.

[determined 1]

By The Way, I'm a Goober.

Hi, my names "D", and we are so glad you found us. I lived through incest too, my step-granpa for 3 years.

Blessings sister, you are loved!

[sisterinsurvival]

Yahoo, !
We love you, and are glad you've found AfterSilence!

[CJ]

welcome to AS hun!

[probably]

hi, welcome to AS

[ainedb]

Hi! Welcome to AS!

[angelic]

[ Hi, S.Marie, you are very welcome here. We are all here to listen, you can tell as much or as little as you like. You're very safe here, and there is a lot of support on this board

[teazle]

Hi S.Marie

Welcome to AS. I hope you can find what you're looking for here

take care of yourself

teazle

[Katia60]

Hi S Marie,

Welcome to AS. I'm sorry for what you have had to deal with and what is going on now. I know how hard it is knowing that an abuser may be alive out there. I have gone through that as well and been very upset about it all.

I'm glad that you are here and are working on healing. Good for you.

Kate

[Butterflyangelbaby]

Welcome to AS

[summerb]

Welcome to AS I hope you find the support your looking for.

Take Care,Summerb