I've Got Butterflies

[kath]

Hello,

This is my first entry and am nervous just typing! I am still coming to terms with events from 15 months ago and struggling with my perception of what rape is. I had always imagined it to be a strange man jumping out from behind a bush on a dark night dragging me away kicking and screaming but it wasnt like that at all when it did happen. It was someone i thought i could feel safe with and i didnt put up much of a fight both times he did it to me. I didnt even think i had been raped but i knew it made me feel awful. I blame myself for not kicking and screaming and i keep making excuses for my perpetrator even though i know i shouldnt. I want him to hurt too but he probably doesn't even think he has done anything wrong.

I know my conflicting thoughts and feelings are normal considering what has happened but it doesnt make it any easier. I have been in therapy every week for 6 months and still get flashbacks several times a day which makes me uncomfortable and anxious . I still hold a lot of anger for him even thought its wasted energy.

Only my fiance knows what happened and its tiring pretending i'm managing ok especially when i get a flashback when i'm with him.

Will this experience stay with me always? Does it ever go away or get any easier? How can i find a place for the memories to go where they dont bother me so much?

Confused but trying.

[dodo]

hi and welcome to AS

I think that you are doing the right things - you are talking to a councelor - have joined this site - talking about what happened does help. In time I hope that you will find the flashbacks are less and that you feel better. At least it sounds like you are directing your anger at the right person - Him - and not yourself

best wishes

karen

[brobbitt]

Hi Kath, welcome to the group..

"This is my first entry and am nervous just typing!"

You have been very brave, well done you!!

"I had always imagined it to be a strange man jumping out from behind a bush on a dark night dragging me away kicking and screaming but it wasnt like that at all when it did happen."

And so sadly you now know that its generally the complete opposite of this :o( So as well as trying to deal with everything else, you may also have had your faith in humankind shaken too :o(

"I blame myself for not kicking and screaming and i keep making excuses for my perpetrator even though i know i shouldnt."

See sometimes its very human to internalise things and generally the easiest thing to do is to blame onself

:o(.. but it wasn't your fault Kath. I'm sure that there are many survivors here who did kick and scream and very sadly they are still here too aren't they :o(

"I want him to hurt too but he probably doesn't even think he has done anything wrong."

And why wouldn't you want this, you probably feel so angry right now, again it is so human to feel this way.

"I have been in therapy every week for 6 months and still get flashbacks several times a day which makes me uncomfortable and anxious . I still hold a lot of anger for him even thought its wasted energy."

In therapy have you disclosed everything to your counsellor, or is this still to difficult for you right now? Are you working on the feelings in your therapy and are you given an outlet to express how angry you feel?

"Only my fiance knows what happened and its tiring pretending i'm managing ok especially when i get a flashback when i'm with him."

Yes, so difficult trying to be something your not for a long time and usually trying to save someone elses feelings usually comes at the expense of our own :o(

"Will this experience stay with me always? Does it ever go away or get any easier? How can i find a place for the memories to go where they dont bother me so much?"

The experience, or the memory of the experience will probably always be there, but, the way you 'feel' about the experience and look back at it, can change as you fully deal with the issues that result from the memory.Ask your therapist to help you to find a safe place in your mind (or about any other coping mechanisms), this can be achieved by use of mental imagery sometimes (it doesnt work for everyone, but when it does this can be a real safe haven to drop anchor in sometimes), basically this entails remembering a place from your past where you felt very safe and taking yourself on a mental journey to that by use of relaxation techniques. This may help with the flash backs..

"Confused but trying."

And you say a lot in these few words don't you, and these few words are the most important on your journey towards healing and feeling better, the more you work to break through the confusion, the harder you keep trying can feel at times like it is all for nothing, but long term it is the key to beating this. So hope so for you

Brian

[CJ]

Welcome to AS Kath! there are lots of lovely people here who will try and help you!

[sueellen]

Hi and welcome! Keep talking and posting and hopefully it will get easier (?)

Sue

[Tinker]

Hi Kath. When I was raped, 15 years ago now, I thought the same why that you did. That is was someone that would jump out from behind a tree or a bush on some dark street. I thought if I stayed away from those places that I would never have to deal with being r*ped. But, like you I learned that the world doesn't work like that all the time. I was r*ped by a firend that had walked me home from school one day. On the way home he even said let me walk you home because it isn't safe you to walk down by all the trees and cars, you never know who could be hiding beind them. So I trusted him, like I am sure you trusted the person that hurt you. This was 15 years ago and it might as well have been yesterday. I can remember the entire day so clearly. I remember the clothes I was wearing, the things we did before it happened, everything. It is etched in my mind and probably will be there until the day I die. So please don't bad about yourslef when you feel like it has been too long, and that this shouldn't still have the grip on you that it does. It does get easier to deal with, but some of the things are still going to be with you, maybe forever.

The other thing I wanted to tell you is that it is okay that you didn't scream, no one can tell you how to react during or after something like this. The entire time I was being r*ped I remember hearing one of the girls from my school that lived next to me practicing her cheers out in her driveway. He driveway and my open bedroom window were maybe 20 feet apart, and all I could do was lay there, cry and let it happen. I couldn't find my voice to get scream out. I still will get down on myslef for not making a noise, not stopping it, but on my good days, I realize that I did at the time what I needed to do to survive. You did too.

I hope that the flashbacks get easier for you, and I hope that your fieance is supportive. It will get better, I promise. The memory is still going to be there, but the pain you feel when you think about it, that will change as you heal.

Tinker

[Vera]

Hi Kath, and welcome to After Silence

I had always imagined it to be a strange man jumping out from behind a bush on a dark night dragging me away kicking and screaming..

And so did I. It is shocking to find yourself in a situation you never thought was even possible. We learn to watch out for strangers, we learn not to walk alone at night... no one ever tells us to watch out for people we know and seem perfectly "normal." I'm so sorry you had to find out the truth (that most women and men are attacked by someone they know) and I'm sorry you have to go through this painful journey to rebuild your life.

The positive thing (although mentioning a positive thing feels somehow wrong) is that you don't have to go through this alone. Here you are among people who understand; feel free to lean on us for support. We are here for one another and the journey, while still painful, is more bearable knowing that you are not walking alone.

[1(laya)heart]

Welcome to AS Kath,

For me right now in this moment I wish I could give you a hug. I can only say to you right now that it does get easier, and we are all here to help. Feel free to lean on us. We got you girl.

As far as you not calling out. I KNOW that that bothers you, because it bothers me. But, you know what honey, we did what either are bodies or minds allowed us to do in that moment. AND I'M JUST GLAD WE ARE ALIVE AND STRONG ENOUGHT TO REACH OUT FOR HELP. I'm really looking forward to talking to you.

Take care of yourself and keep your head up.

[Peacegirl]

Welcome to AS!!!

Lindsay

[kath]

Thank you for the well wishes