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Hi! Am Not Sure If I Belong Here....


star

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Hi

I found this site the other day and I keep finding myself looking at it as it helps me feel understood. The thing is, I don't know what I am doing here, because I don't know for certain if I am a survivor or not. I wish I knew, I wish I had evidence. All I have is patchy memories. Sometimes I remember things, tell my therapist, then forget them again and she reminds me weeks later and its like a real shock. I don't understand myself. I don't know whats true or not true, I don't know if I am a liar who has made things up. I don't know if I am just some crazy girl who is caught up in some kind of crazy ideation. I don't know if its true. I wish I knew for certain.

I don't know if I will ever know the truth and I dont know how I can live with myself not knowing.

So sorry for a long rambled and stupid post, just had to tell you all, cos you're being so honest and open about things and its really helping me, but I don't know if I have a right to be here or struggle with the things I do because I don't know whats true. I don't trust myself.

Anyway, sorry. Thank you for reading. I am sorry if I shouldn't be here. I hope you don't mind me posting. Thanks for already helping me cos you can speak about the unspeakable.

Sorry.

Thanks again x x

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Hi Star, firstly you are very welcome here..

"I found this site the other day and I keep finding myself looking at it as it helps me feel understood."

If all you get is this, and that helps, then that is something isn't it..

"The thing is, I don't know what I am doing here, because I don't know for certain if I am a survivor or not. I wish I knew, I wish I had evidence. All I have is patchy memories. Sometimes I remember things, tell my therapist, then forget them again and she reminds me weeks later and its like a real shock."

In my own work with clients, we have little more to work on than faded memories or things that sit on the edge of their awareness. Sometimes it is just a gut feel that tells them something is wrong. The things you say above are quite common, and generally the space and acceptance you are given in therapy and here can bring more if you allow it to. Hopefully your worst fears wont be realised, but if they are then know that you are not alone with this..

"I don't understand myself. I don't know whats true or not true, I don't know if I am a liar who has made things up. I don't know if I am just some crazy girl who is caught up in some kind of crazy ideation. I don't know if its true. I wish I knew for certain."

Within all of that deep confusion you experience exists the answers you seek. Sometimes looking very hard for the answers means that they can become more difficult to find. Maybe try simply being for a while, give yourself a rest from the strain of trying to remember, be kind to you..

"I don't know if I will ever know the truth and I dont know how I can live with myself not knowing."

Right now you don't know, and so that is your truth for the time being. I know its difficult and I don't know your story or current circumstances, but if you can, maybe try to accept this for what it is right now, until the time comes when things become more clear for you...

"So sorry for a long rambled and stupid post, just had to tell you all, cos you're being so honest and open about things and its really helping me, but I don't know if I have a right to be here or struggle with the things I do because I don't know whats true. I don't trust myself."

Your post was neither rambling or stupid. You have an absoloute right to be here. If you can't trust your feelings right now, then maybe trust that you are a person who deserves love and kindness and acceptance for who you are right now, hopefully you will find that in abundance here, for that is what this place is best at.

"Anyway, sorry. Thank you for reading. I am sorry if I shouldn't be here. I hope you don't mind me posting. Thanks for already helping me cos you can speak about the unspeakable."

No apologies neccessary, it was a pleasure to read your post, you should be here if being here makes you feel better as you say it does. Speaking about the unspeakable whilst difficult wherever you may be is the first path towards healing. Here the unspeakable is a reflection of the survivors lives and speaking out is considered the bravest act a survivor can make, here the unspeakable is spoken about, here it is hopefully safe to do so, there is no judgement here and here you will be heard...

Brian

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Hi and welcome to AS

brains are such complex things, people can imagine things that didn't happen and they can block things out that did. You may never know the truth about your past and I think its admirable that you're being honest about the fact that you aren't certain.

I wish you well on your journey and I agree as long as AS is helpful for you then thats the main thing.

:hi:

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Hi

I found this site the other day and I keep finding myself looking at it as it helps me feel understood. The thing is, I don't know what I am doing here, because I don't know for certain if I am a survivor or not. I wish I knew, I wish I had evidence. All I have is patchy memories. Sometimes I remember things, tell my therapist, then forget them again and she reminds me weeks later and its like a real shock. I don't understand myself. I don't know whats true or not true, I don't know if I am a liar who has made things up. I don't know if I am just some crazy girl who is caught up in some kind of crazy ideation. I don't know if its true. I wish I knew for certain.

I don't know if I will ever know the truth and I dont know how I can live with myself not knowing.

So sorry for a long rambled and stupid post, just had to tell you all, cos you're being so honest and open about things and its really helping me, but I don't know if I have a right to be here or struggle with the things I do because I don't know whats true. I don't trust myself.

Anyway, sorry. Thank you for reading. I am sorry if I shouldn't be here. I hope you don't mind me posting. Thanks for already helping me cos you can speak about the unspeakable.

Sorry.

Thanks again x x

Despite what the media and perps will tell you few women lie about being sexually abused, there is no glamour in it and it is not fun. The effects you have described are perfectly normal, there are many who do not remember either aspects or the whole (other than a general sense). The things that you are telling your therapist are probably things that are triggered or that you are ready to remember, but you then forget either because you are not ready to remember or because you never were you just blurted it out without really knowing you had.

I knew as did the man I was with that I had been sexually abused before the time that I remembered being abused (again, several years later) by the way that I reacted to certain things, trust issues, nightmares etc. I was very drunk one night and a person who I had thought was a friend acted in a manner not friend like at all. I left early claiming to be sick (which wasn't completely untrue) but these images kept flying through my head, too fast to grasp but the fear was real as my reactions. I went into the bathroom and closed the door, with the light off and laid down and cried (I do not cry...rule number one of being me) the funny thing was that I was and (too some extent) am afraid of the dark but there I was...I don't know for how long. The man I was with came in to find me shivering, crying and lying on the floor. He picked me up and took me out to the living room and laid me down...I asked it was him wasn't it? He asked who? I blurted out my dad...he said yeah I'm pretty sure it was honey, go to sleep I'll sit right here.

He woke me the next morning and told me to get dressed, he had called my counselor and I had an appointment within the hour (don't know how he did that it was Saturday) I didn't remember the night before...I told my counselor I had been drinking...I didn't remember anything I said and since I was drunk it was probably just imagined, he said no, it was probably because my defenses were down and my firend acting badly had brought back the memories so he sat there telling me the things I had told my boyfriend and whoosh like a wave, I was shaking and terrified but still couldn't remember anything about what I had said or done. It has taken years to get back any of it and some may never really come back.

I hate it, that I don't know, that I can't remember but in the end it may be for the best. I will work through what I know and the effects as they come up but that is really all I can do.

I think if this place appeals to you THERE IS A REASON. As I was told not too long ago you do belong....Welcome

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i just wanted to say thanky ou to everyone for taking the time to read my post and to reply and welcome me.

i appreciate it very much.

It felt a bit wierd to post, I felt a bit fragile and vulnerable - but I think its for the good - so thanks everyone!

Hope I can be a support to some of you guys sometime......

x x

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Welcome to After Silence STAR!!!!

YOu are definatly in the right place and we are all here to love and support you whenever you need it. I know when i first started having memories of my brother abusing me i wasn't sure they were true. but then i was told your mind doesn't make things up and what your remebering is most definatly TRUE! keep that in mind and remeber we love you!

God bless,

Kristine :tealribbon:

:hug::wub:

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Welcome to After Silence STAR!!!!

YOu are definatly in the right place and we are all here to love and support you whenever you need it. I know when i first started having memories of my brother abusing me i wasn't sure they were true. but then i was told your mind doesn't make things up and what your remebering is most definatly TRUE! keep that in mind and remeber we love you!

God bless,

Kristine :tealribbon:

:hug::wub:

Just wanted to say thankyou. Your message really touched me. I too am hoping to become what God wants me to be! Thanks again! star x x

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