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Vera

Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

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ive had some pretty lame things said to me in the last 11 yrs

to start

my stepdads mother " did you ask him to come in your room?"

my mother at the time my dad told her what id told him happened " did he actually put it in you or was it just touching i need to know it does make a difference"

a friend of my best friends dad " if she didnt dress like that maybe it wouldnt have happened"

my grandmother on my moms side she meant well but i think it came out way wrong cause she has always been the one person who did believe me " you cant let this rule your life it was a long time ago you need just let it go"

my father " what do you want me to do?"

my ex boyfriend first person i ever told " its because youre so hot baby" he was 29 i was 15 a crime in itself but that is a whole nother issue altogether

my mom again 2 yrs ago we had an argument and i tried to tell her how i felt " if you go to the police ill just have to tell them youre lying you are grown now and i have to think about your brother and sister they need me and they need his money if theyre gonna get through college"

my mom every time i see her to my brother and sister " your sister used to be such a brat she didnt care what she put us through you need to learn from her mistakes"

my husband ( i know he loves me and means well but this particular time he screwed up big time)

" i feel like its just an excuse for what you did and youre trying to keep me from leaving"

thats all i can think of right now

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By a physician's assistant:

Mother's don't sexually abuse!!!

and then

Well, how do they do it then?

By other people:

Just get on with your life.

If you would only put it behind you.

Why are you still paying attention to that stuff?

I think it is best to just ignore it.

You just want to be miserable.

It's not as if it was sexual penetration (on some abuse that wasn't).

Edited by Katia60

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You keep living in the past.

You act like you have the worst problem in the world and you are this unique person.

You should just keep talking to more counselors because obviously the one you're talking to isn't helping.

"You just take drugs" <and i don't, unless you count iron sulfate and folic acid for anemia 'drugs'>.

do you in a way enjoy playing as a victim? from a friend!!!

after i told someone i know i was 'hurt'....and i told her i was offered 10 sessions for free at counseling, she's all..ohh you'll be fine with a simple brush of the hand.

and more...

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the other day i got told "you should stop being so defeatest"

Im sorry, i swear i have a reason? Im not the type of person who will sit and moan for now reason, i have reason to be negative when everything is so stupidly hard!

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people just dont see how hurtful a few simple words can really be do they?

after reading this thread i came to realize that

the sad part is i dont know if they even care what impact those words carry when theyre ringing through your head

even though some of mine were said to me years ago alot of yrs ago they still sound so vivid inside my head when i think about them

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Geez, you are so right!!

"It was a long time ago, maybe it's about time for you to move on and get over it?"

Well, it still feels like yesterday but thanks for your precious advise...

Like having to come face to face to my child rapist at grandads funeral, just to be told, It was over 20 yrs. ago, just get over for my grandmother (rapist was #2 husband)

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Some of the things said to by people (mostly family) about my CSA by my father:

My Aunt (father's brother's wife): "COME ON he didn't really do that to you did he?" and "If you don't speak to him soon you won't get anything in his will."

No, I'm just making the whole thing up. I haven't spoken to my Dad in over 10 years and moved 3,000 miles away from him the hell of it! (

My cousin (father's brother's daughter) in response to me not attending her brother's wedding (as my abuser was invited and attending): "Why don't you just come anyway, just look away and ingore him"

Sure, maybe you can give me some tips on how with all your experience in this area.

Note: I did later call my cousin and confront her on this line - she admitted it was insensitive. She has usually been very supportive.

My mother (my father/abuser is her ex-husband): "IF IT"S TRUE (the sexual abuse) why do you care if I tell people?"

Maybe because I don't care who know's as long as I'm the one to tell them! :angry:

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Guest dreaminofangels

"you know, he was abused too, we all were." said to me by my mother, concering her brother who abused me.

I understand what she was saying, but..... idk.

sigh*

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Recently was asked: "Did you want it?"

:angry::ranting2:

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Recently was asked: "Did you want it?"

:angry::ranting2:

:console:

Edited by AmyLyn

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From my mother -

- well I just never saw all that sexual stuff as all that bad. I mean it's not like he hit you.

- well what do you want me to do about it?

- well you have two choices, continue to live here or go with your dad (physically abusive).

- when are you going to get over this?

From a friend after I said "I wish he would just die." - That's a horrible thing to say. (and like, what he did wasn't horrible?)

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From my mother -

- well I just never saw all that sexual stuff as all that bad. I mean it's not like he hit you.

- well what do you want me to do about it?

- well you have two choices, continue to live here or go with your dad (physically abusive).

- when are you going to get over this?

From a friend after I said "I wish he would just die." - That's a horrible thing to say. (and like, what he did wasn't horrible?)

Oh my Goodness...I've just remembered I've had that 'that's a horrible thing to say' comment too. It is infuriating! Why are people so stupid?!!

'What do you want me to do about it?' I've had that too. Ugh..

oh and last weekend, after being sexually assaulted (again) my friend said "Well it's expected at clubs"... she was drunk at the time but still.

:hammer::hammer:

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Insensitive school counseler:

"was it a bad rape?"

:hammer: ...Yea, like there's a "good" kind of rape*rolls eyes*...Give me a break... :angry:

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"I get worse from guys in bars. Why don't you just get over it."

Said to me by my mother 3 years after her ex assaulted me.

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This is great - thanks so much for starting this topic. The stupidest thing my sister said to me when she recovered her memories of abuse and I told her I thought I had been abused as well was "You weren't abused - you only want to be like me." (yea, of course I wanted it to happen to me - why should you get all the attention? It's a lot of fun remembering . . .) Took me sixteen years later to start getting the memories and I still haven't told anyone in my family that I am going through it except my two daughters because they wonder why I am down for the count so often. I've also had a lot of the other remarks - esp. the one about It happened a long time ago. get over it. Yes, it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like it's happening right now. I don't know if a friend's callous response is better than their total blank look. :unsure:

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^ :console:

hang in there, lovey.

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"Why are you so upset all the time?"

Let's see...I've only been raped more times than I can count and abused in every possible way all my life so yea I am upset...can you imagine why yet? :ranting::ranting::ranting2::ranting2:

:hammer:

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My stepdad was my only "reported" abuser and I was forced to have therapy. From my therapist after I FINALLY (after about a month of sessions) said out loud that I was angry: "Angry? Well, you shouldn't feel that way."

-- I've had anger issues all my life because of that. Like....thinking I can't feel angry about anything and now everyone around me suffers because at my spot in healing right now that's ALL I feel! I'm one f*cked up girl right now with this whole anger thing!!! :ranting:

-- PS - When my PTSD started 4 years ago and I started getting therapy, I told my T about that story and she was appalled. She asked if I remember his name (I could never forget), and it turned out she knows the guy! She had had a conversation with him only a few weeks before and he'd said, "I see kids like guinea pigs. You just gotta throw them into the fire and see what happens." WHAT!@!! And this guy still counsels children who have been SA'd!!!???? THAT'S a crime.....

My best friend when I was grabbed by a guy and I was kicking and screaming: "Oh go ahead, you know you want to." (She never did anything to help......)

By my mom when my stepdad was reported: "Are you sure???"

"The past is the past. Leave it in the past."

I've also heard the: "Was it a bad rape?" Yeah....like there's good ones.

When my healing was taking too long for my sister: "You must not want to heal." Then she gave me a book called "Healing is a Choice". In case you're wondering sis? I'M STILL HEALING!!!! I'm like the Energizer Bunny!!! I just keep healing and healing and healing and OMG this is so much fun!!!!! :ranting:

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During my 1st year of PTSD when I was reliving the abuse, I couldn't stay at home for awhile for the sake of my two daughters (I was too much of a mess). I stayed with my best friend and her husband a lot of the time (amazingly supportive). I was suicidal, constantly depressed, in the worst of it all.

My sister said: "You're manipulating them and taking advantage of them so you can take the easy way out (and not have to face things)."

Like there is any way OUT at all!!! And - my therapist TOLD me to for everyone's safety!

My sister told my best friend about my staying at their house: "You're letting her manipulate you to satisfy your need to be needed." Yeah....like any part of that time was easy for my friend. I know clearly what I put her through, and believe me - it had nothing to do with her being needed.

About the abuse: "Could it really have been that bad?"

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Perhaps the worst invalidation of all when the SA comes to light: Silence.

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Perhaps the worst invalidation of all when the SA comes to light: Silence.

So so true sadly...

:hug:

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Here are 2 unrelated to abuse, but I'm sure you'll appreciate them anyway...

I saw a female therapist for 3 years, and after coming through a particularly difficult period of 3-4 months and being suicidal essentially the whole time, I questioned her one day about why she never once followed up on it when I spoke of being suicidal. I know that there were questions that should have been asked, and this, combined with a couple other events, made me wonder about her competence. When I asked, there was silence. So I asked if it was because she didn't believe me. Her response? "You're here, aren't you?" Guess that answered my competency question. I saw her one more time to verbalize my unhappiness with her quality of therapy and quit.

Years ago in a conversation with a few females about children, I responded to a question, revealing that I couldn't have children. Someone said how easy it must be for my husband and I to take vacations without school interfering. :duh:

bruised

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"...ok...let's talk about something else that's not nice to talk about..."

Yea...you know it was sooooooooooooo nice for me to live it!!!!!!!!! :hammer::hammer:

And then people wonder why we don't say anything for so long...

:angry:

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Perhaps the worst invalidation of all when the SA comes to light: Silence.

I told my parents about my csa in August and they have not mentioned it since..

and over Christmas, they recieved a Christmas card from my abusers family.. they put it up..I found it..

I cannot fathom why they would do such a thing..

also, when I got into university (in September) they were saying things like "things will be all right now" and as if everything would be 'just right' when I go..

as if

it turns out that I am having a very good time, and I try not to think of what happened.. but yes.. the silence can be confusing/annoying/variety of things

I guess sometimes people just don't know what to do or say..

and they think that by saying nothing, they are not making anything worse.

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