Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

[buswiz89]

some people say things and it just hits you harder than you expect it too...

"Well why did you even go over to his place?"

cause we broke up a week prior and he threatened to kill himself if I didn't come get my stuff out of his apartment...what would you have done?

After I got him expelled from his senior year of college...

"Have you thought about how you ruined his life? He was so close to student teaching and graduating"

Ummm...excuse you...HE chose to ruin his life...NOT me!

[ssnickel]

I think the worst comment I've gotten so far was from a "friend" (that I now regret telling... he was one of only three people I've told about it) about my gang rape in Germany:

"Well you have to look at it this way. You CHOSE to go to Frankfurt that night. You had more control than you think."

Oh yes... I chose to travel to another city from Berlin, so that must mean I also chose to have sex with 4 strangers at once at 3 am in an empty parking lot. And I had so much control being one, 5 foot tall, 110 lb female against 4 male police officers. Ugh.

[sweety0528]

This is one that I just encountered the other day from my new therapist. Now I've been really struggling due to the fact that my r@pist recently contacted me after 12 years. Mine was a date r@pe and he must have seen my face on Facebook...that's all I can think of. Anyway, it was triggering anxiety in me...the thought that he can find me...just google me and find where I work..etc. etc. So I've just been hypervigilant and a little scared that I'm being stalked by him. So my therapist just says, "Your thought process is irrational. Why would he come to your work? It's not like it was a violent drag-you-down-a-dark-alley-in-the-middle-of-the-night r@pe." I thought to myself...way to minimize what happened, you idiot. He still overpowered me...he still took a piece of me. Just because I wasn't (too violently) abused should make no difference. How about validating my fears and helping me work through????? I'm ticked off to say the least.

[WayOut]

People are usually stupid. They cant get it, they are mostly retarded. I emailed my uncle with admitting about abuse, he visits us every day and for 5 months didnt say a word. all i can do now is LOL. because he is super stupid. once i realized they are unimportant and retarded, i deal with invalidation better. I dont seek it anymore. My mother is also stupid and will never get it, my sister is denying abuse and living her pathetic FAKE social climbing life - she is pathetic, i pitty her. they are nobody important.

i made many friends who got it and had nice response to it and appreciate that. even some who said "dont use abuse as excuse not to get better", it didnt piss me, that's their opinion they have right to it, i dont emotionally depend on their response.

Edited July 16, 2011 by WayOut

[SixImpossibleThings]

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Edited August 11, 2011 by SixImpossibleThings

[SixImpossibleThings]

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Edited August 11, 2011 by SixImpossibleThings

[~*chelsea*~]

"really ... you were r***d?!? so, thats why you are a crazy bi-t-ch? it all makes sense now!" friend of a friend

[Tessa]

The only "friend" I trusted for a long time violated my privacy with details related to the incident, spreading them to someone else (probably using them as a prop in some cattiness towards me) and tried to apologize a year later with the excuse of "I couldn't see you as being hurt". because I always kept my composure before this, I guess.

and then, as if this genuinely explained everything, told me "I couldn't see you as being human".

I know it's not much compared to a lot of the previous replies from people in this thread, but I've spent the last year feeling inferior to everyone, like some ghost of a person, and every time I think about this response, it hurts more. I'm human. I'm human. Why can't I deserve the same decency as anybody else?

Edited July 20, 2011 by Tessa

[SixImpossibleThings]

I've spent the last year feeling inferior to everyone, like some ghost of a person, and every time I think about this response, it hurts more.

When I feel like this, I try to remember and make myself believe the quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Hang in there. I hear you.

[Vera]

"really ... you were r***d?!? so, thats why you are a crazy bi-t-ch? it all makes sense now!" friend of a friend

How awful of this person to say something so mean and so very STUPID.

It really speaks of the type of person he is more than anything.

[Kris1234]

I was sexually abused by my older brother when I was young. Around the same time, my younger brother and I would kiss while we were playing. 

When my younger brother tried to take advantage of me (sexually) as an adult, I told the people I love about everything that happened...as children and adults. 

Some of their responses were unintentionally insensitive.

From my sister"You're not the only victim here." "I feel very manipulated." 

From my boyfriend "This has broken me." "This happened to us." "You don't understand; he grabbed you!"

 

[neri]

Cop: "This isn't sexual abuse" (When it ABSOLUTELY WAS, he was an asshole). "At least THIS didn't happen, you're very lucky" (Which I feel like is minimizing). "Do you think he was just... excited?" (What do you mean by that??? He forcefully assaulted me... I guess???) "I've never heard his name" (Saying this to say he doesn't know his name, so he hasn't committed a crime).

Old counselor: "They probably think it's minor" (referring to CPS). "You haven't really gone through anything that bad" (BULLSHIT). Also I would talk to her about my feelings and she would just stare at me, not saying anything. It made me feel like I was being crazy or something. Now I realize she was probably just uncomfortable and didn't know what to say because lack of experience.

Friend?: "Wow, my life is so, so awesome compared to yours!! Your life must suuuck"

And then my parents have done/said really insensitive bullshit since I've told them what happened.  They love me and try to be supportive, but they unintentionally minimize me a TON.

[Still_confused]

From my mother:

”Did you lead him on?”

”Sometimes no means yes.”

”Don’t be so sensitive, try to understand I mean well, I can’t think about EVERY word I say around you.”

From a policewoman when I tried reporting:

”You just feel bad about sleeping with a [racist slur], and you will probably feel dirty for a long time.” 

I was speechless. That was based on... nothing, except her being a racist. I felt bad about having been raped, it had nothing to do with his ethnicity. 

From a friend when I told her how the police had reacted.

”some girls just ruin it for everyone else.

me:

”false accusations are actually pretty rare”

her:

”I am not talking about false accusations. I am talking about girls who flirt with guys and make them think they want to have sex with them, and then at the last minute, they say no and expect they guy to just stop.”

That’s basically what happened to me. Thanks a lot. 

 

[marcyabadeer]

@Still_confused I’m sorry you had those reactions from people /: it can be very numbing and even more traumatic when people are insensitive and don’t want to hear what you have to say. Sitting with you if ok

sam

[Still_confused]

@samantha2009thanks. I have a lot of supportive people in my life, too. And then some people who are... not that supportive