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Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!


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So much of this seems to be divided into two camps: the clueless people who just dont know that SA has profound effects, and the "I couldnt care less and will kick anyone when the're down" ones. I'll take clueless any day but most people succumb to the base part of human nature that makes us attack the . Because in our minds vulnerability is always a punishable offense.

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To my sister who told me "I know when you've had s*x, I'll be able to tell"

This coming a few years after her boyfriend m*l*sted me in my own room and I was date r*p*d by my boyfriend at age 16.

Yeah, you could tell!!! Still angry about that simple little phrase 20 years later.

:hammer::hammer::hammer:

Edited by mnaj
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  • 2 weeks later...

From my alters:

"You should have been P's w**re when he offered. Then you wouldn't be such a frigid b*itch too afraid to be naked in front of your mate." Um...wow, she was there, she's an alter. And at the time, she was saying something much different.

"You chose to date Q, not us. E

(an alter "created" to be Q's slave)

is your fault, not ours. You should have done what he wanted."

"Aaww, it didn't hurt that much."

This was about a form of sexual SI that could have done a lot of damage.

I think "hurt" is an understatement since I couldn't walk straight for a few hours.

"What are you whining about, he didn't rape you."

Thanks so much N. Yes, oral rape is much less traumatizing because it's not vaginal rape. So while I was choking during the act and having an asthma attack after...right, it wasn't horrible at all.

Counselor:

"That must have hurt." No sh*t! Of course it hurt, I trusted him! ARGH!

"Mmhm. What next? How did you feel?" Hello, a**hole, I told you not ten minutes ago I have alters and disocciate...do you not realize the reason "I'm" clawing at the toy dog in my hands is because I'm not exactly in a safe mindset. Wtf, don't ask something like that?! Do you even have a heart?

(professor) "Are you ok?" Sure, I'm fine, I'm dropped my phone and am staring at you in shock because I had a flashback for the fun of it. Idiot! I hate that prof, and I have her next semester.

(as suggested by Annieonymus) What I've said to myself:

"I deserved it. I knew the warning signs, and after the first time, there was no excuse. That's what I get for staying."

"There's a lot of survivors that have it a lot worse than you. Why are you crying?" Actually (no insult meant) but that seems to be common for a lot of people, survivors of any abuse or not.

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  • 2 weeks later...

From my mother, said completely seriously:

"When r*pe is inevitable, lie down relax and enjoy it."

Same woman who tried to teach me that women "owe" it to men to spread their legs on demand, regardless of how they feel about it. Thanks, mom. Still not over that one.

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From my mother, said completely seriously:

"When r*pe is inevitable, lie down relax and enjoy it."

Same woman who tried to teach me that women "owe" it to men to spread their legs on demand, regardless of how they feel about it. Thanks, mom. Still not over that one.

ughh foggy,

THAT is unbelievable!!!! I'm so sorry she said that to you. :(

safe hugs if ok

:hug: :hug: :hug:

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From a lot of people:

"This is depressing. I don't want to think about it."

Aw no. That's awful. You have to think about it? Gee, I don't know what I'd do if I had to think about it. Oh wait, I do. Everyday. Thanks for the support.

Point out ways that I could have prevented it.

Yeah because I haven't thought of that before and beat myself up about it.

This random guy I told one time for some reason because he said that he was a good listener. yeah right.

"If you don't remember it why does it bother you?"

I said I don't remember parts of it. And it bothers me because I can't remember everything.

"Yeah, a lot of girls say stuff like that to make guys feel sorry for them"

No comment on this one.

From my ex boyfriend one time when he was really frustrated:

"Chill out! It's not really a big deal!"

Excuse me?!

From his best friend:

"He probably just didn't understand that you didn't want it."

I don't know, I feel like when I told him to stop and leave and he told me that he wasn't going to leave until he got what he wanted, he pretty much understood that I wasn't happy and didn't care.

From one of his friends who called me to tell me what a sl*t I am:

"Yeah, I've heard your so called rape story. I know him. He is way too sweet to do that! You were the one who seduced him. You're such a sl*t!"

Excuse me but were you there? I was definitely not being seductive! Unless you are seduced by people crying and begging you to leave them alone. Also, yeah No sh*t he seems sweet. Do you think I would have gone out with him in the first place if he just walked up to me and said "hey! I'm a rapist"? I thought he was sweet too. that's why I let him alone with me!

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Here's an old one, (I was 18) but I need to get it off my chest. Said by an ex bf when I told him of my older brother's sexual assaults on me as a young girl. (My brother is 4 years older than me.)

"Oh that wasn't really anything. You were both just kids. My ex-girlfriend, however, she really suffered at the hands of her uncle."

Talk about invalidation. And because he told me that it was nothing, I repressed the abuse by my father as well. I repressed my memories and silenced my feelings and never told anyone else for 15 more years. :cry:

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From a lot of people:

"This is depressing. I don't want to think about it."

Aw no. That's awful. You have to think about it? Gee, I don't know what I'd do if I had to think about it. Oh wait, I do. Everyday. Thanks for the support.

hi Kena, ^ this one stood out for me. how about, Aw, so sorry you find it hard to think about. i wonder how hard you would find it to actually have to experience it then. :angry::hammer: :hammer: :angry:

Edited by briarrosa
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From my husband:

"I was talking to a woman at work today and she told me some stuff about her - kind of makes your life pale in comparison."

Doesn't sound like much but ouch to me.

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"If you're not having a sexual relationship with your husband you need to start."

Great advice, thanks. I can't do it without getting upset and it turns into a bad experience for us both, but I guess I can just grit my teeth and do it anyway. A positive experience isn't important, right?

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"You are nothing but a selfish b*tch and never there for ******. She is always there for you, but you're never there for her. You are a fake, everyone knows what you're really like lol"

:cry:

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"You are nothing but a selfish b*tch and never there for ******. She is always there for you, but you're never there for her. You are a fake, everyone knows what you're really like lol"

:cry:

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"You are nothing but a selfish b*tch and never there for ******. She is always there for you, but you're never there for her. You are a fake, everyone knows what you're really like lol"

:cry:

((((PITW))))

That's horrible, and, I'm sure, totally untrue.

Another one that I got:

"I think that the most traumatic thing about what happened to you was that you kept making the decision to go back to him. I implore you to ask God for forgiveness."

Never mind that he told me he would kill himself if I left him. Apparently it's all my fault.

Fail.

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  • 1 month later...

My mother-in-law:

"Well, it takes a lot of love to forgive."

Yeah, and seeing as I've hated my father for almost 30 years, what makes you think I'll forgive him?!?

"Don't ask a question if you don't want the answer." (in regards to me trying to remember what happened to me)

When did I say I didn't want the answers?! Maybe YOU don't want them so you can still think your rich, guarded life was worse than anyone's.... but I want the answers!!!

My father-in-law before he knew:

"You don't know what it's like to have a rough life. I had to drag my father in from the front lawn at night 'cause he was too drunk to make it in the house! That's a hard life!!!" (which led to him talking about him being hit - not belittling this AT ALL - just showing where the conversation went)

My husband stopped my father-in-law one day (cause this is a common rant of his). This is how it went:

"Well, you know, I had to drag..."

"Yeah, Dad, I know... and *blackfrog* would trade places with you IN A SECOND!"

"Oh..... I'm so sorry. Tell her I'm there if she ever needs to talk."

At least that one had a happy ending. :)

My mother:

"Well, you must have misunderstood."

Yeah, I misunderstood a 65 year old man groping the chest of a 16 year old girl and sticking his down down her throat - complete lack of miscommunication on my part.

I'll be back for more - have company.

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Pastor to me when I asked for help - husband was raging....

"It seems to me that when you leave the house -

it escalates the situation and causes things to get blown out of proportion.

You should stay home - and negotiate agreement"

with the man you chose to marry and spend your life with."

Really?

Ya think?

Maybe you only see his rage when I run away - cause otherwise he is

throwing it in my face instead of yours?

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My brother, on the abuse I experienced that he only remembers bits and pieces of.....

"It would be better if you stopped dwelling on the past and looked to the future" or "keep your chin up, you are stronger than you think"

"Why do you think about it all the time? Focus on something else"

"It was a long time ago and you should be better by now"

" I only expect you to do your best, that's all"

"I helped you last year because I felt so guilty about what happened when we were kids" He was rescued and I wasn't. His "help" came at the cost of any crumb of pride I might have scraped off the floor and why wasn't it out of love? "I have been there for you and the kids for twenty years and I came to see you every weekend when I lived in NYC and I've always tried to be there for you." No mention of love, or of him feeling he was getting anything out of our relationship, all about what he had done and how much he had tried and so on and so forth.....

Today, on my inability to pay my counselor anymore and not being able to see her now. "Why can't you go? How are you going to manage without counseling?" He was the one who offered to pay my copays so that I could F*cking go! Then he decided to stop after I ended up in the hospital.

"I love you, but....."

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  • 2 months later...
  • 4 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Discussing with an 'acquaintance' (I do not choose to spend time with her!) about why clothing makes absolutely no difference in a victim's rape. Her:

"Well I think that short skirts make a difference because then it makes it quicker and easier for rapists to pull them up."

:hammer: :hammer: :hammer: :hammer: :hammer: :hammer: :hammer: :hammer: :hammer: :hammer: :hammer: :hammer: :hammer: :hammer:

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I have had everything said to me at some stage.

"He is a nice man" - I cringe now when I hear anyone say that

"This topic is making me sad"

A therapist say to me = go to someone else to talk about this topic????

A therapist say "You talk about this too much" when I had not even started and I was not even seeing that one weekly. Like aren't they supposed to listen anyway. I told him off, he apologised.

Telling other people, and then coming back and telling you they have told other people. Do people not understand privacy

Silence

Edited by whitedove
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I think sometimes people are very clueless and ungrateful.
So true.

I've had someone say to me that it was basically my fault because I didn't stop it.

And I had someone ask if I liked it.

Edited by Aena
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