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Vera

Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

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My mother said " What would you like me to do about it now? "

My brother said " Why don't you just print it in the newspaper?"

( sarcastic remark abuser said to me - then my brother said it too. Gee .. I wonder where that came from?) :hammer::angry::ranting:

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The most annoying thing about hanging out with teenage boys is most definately their innapropriate use of the word r*pe.

"That football game last night? Oh, we r*ped that team!"

"Alys! I love you so much I could R*pe you!" (Not even kidding, they actually have said it)

But my favorite.... We were studying To Kill a Mockingird and were having a roundtable discussion about it.

"I mean, R*pe isn't even a big deal. People blow the whole thing way out of preportion. Every girl is going to have sex eventually. At least she knows a man wants her." (It went on for a while, but I'll spare you the rest of the details.)

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A couple of my "favorites...."

"So, you were brutally raped?"

- Sorry, is there another kind? Like "gently" being raped!?

One I will NEVER forget, nor will my b/f I imagine....

My neighbors had been out of town when it all went down. Myself, two friends and my b/f

were in the car getting ready to leave my house for good. Everything was packed and on it's

way to the new place (town and state) I was moving to that day.

*** My boyfriend lived in another town and state at the time and was not there when this happened to me***

My neighbor approaches the car and I tell him briefly what happened and that I was leaving/ moving right now and to take care etc. Out of politeness I introduced him to the people in the car which included my b/f. He then chuckles and looks right at my b/f and says, "So! Where were YOU when all this happened?"

The whole car went silent and everyone had wide eyes. I imagine my man wanted to rip his throat out. I think the rest of us were ready to hold him back in an instant.

So, hurtful words to a "secondary survivor" can be equally BAD!

People can be so dense.

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"Who would rape you?"

Uhh... The question is, who WOULDN'T?

"there are a lot of people in the world who have had the same situation and worse"

I know, and as sad as that is for them, I was talking about MY problem!

"C'mon, don't tell me you didn't enjoy it just a little bit"

I didn't enjoy it in any measurement.

"But wasn't he married? He seemed like he was pretty normal"

Jeffery Dalmer was "normal" Ted Bundy was "normal"

"Well, you were probably asking for it, those big burly men working in your house. You were probably flaunting your sex appeal."

Ya caught me, in my most vulnerable state(sleeping), in my ugliest pjs, and I hadn't showered in like... 3 days, yeah, I was SOOOO flaunting my sexiness that day.

"Your nightmares sound stupid"

Oh, and I suppose an elephant falling from your ceiling fan sounds Soooooo much better

"I've had it much worse than you"

So its a contest now?

And my favorite:

"You know what Lindsey, Get over it, No one cares! No one will EVER care, okay? So stop whining about it and move on"

That one I didn't say anything, I punched her in the face.

Thank you for punching her in the face. :)

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I remember I was trying to talk some sense into my older sister and explaining to her abit about my past...

Her only comment was "well if it didnt happen to you it would have been me!"

Well it was not her so how about a bit of support instead of bringing herself into all the time...

GEEZ

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my rapist said:

"I didn't mean to rape her"

(He did it over and over again and he tries to make it sound like it was some kind of accident! unbelievable!)

Also:

I can't remember the exact words but basically having his lawyer saying to me that it didn't happen.

(That is such invalidation and I hate it so so much, that lawyer must know it happened, how could they not, I hate those scum bags so much, how can they sleep at night?

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Mom:

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

Maybe because he threatened to kill ME!

"You had plenty of places to tell me?"

Excuse me, you worked everyday for like 12 hours a day, so no, because I barely saw you! Am I supposed to fly to your job to tell you?"

"Tell child services that you are okay. The longer they are around, the longer they are going to hassle me"

Really Mom, really? I was the one who was raped and they are hassling YOU? Poor you :dry:

"He *meaning her husband* only said he would do it to you becuase your sister would tell."

I don't even know what to say about this one but F***you

"Even the police didn't believe you."

And you wonder WHY I didn't tell you about the other abuse. And apparently you didn't believe me either, since you continued to see him

Ex-Friends:

"Why didn't you fight, scream, kick harder?"

I'm sorry, maybe because my body was paralyzed with fear and then when I was able to run away, my little sister was SLEEPING in the next room

"Yeah. But if you think, if you didn't have what happened to you tying you down, or bugging you, it'd be at least kinda different. You'd probably still not do it, but yeah."

Story: my pre-teen friend flashed her boyfriend, she was also abused by her cousin a few years prior. We used to talk about the abuse togeher. My Thought: Yeah, because it is TOTALLY normal for a pre-teen to flash their boyfriends. Didn't I explain to you, I was raped, I don't want a guy touching me, nevermind staring at my chest.

EDIT:

From his mother:

"Are you sure you didn't misinterpret his touches?"

Its really hard to misinterpret someone with his hands and other parts IN you

From another 'friend'

"You should keep your legs closed"

I actually slapped him across the face. Oops! My fault, maybe you should watch what you say next time.

Edited by RomanceRebel

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From my mother:

"He was too nice to ever do something something that horrible! I can't believe you would blame him for such a violent crime!"

"You were a child. He was an adult. You listen to your elders."

"You were the one to tell me not to say anything to dad. If I did, this would have never happened!"

From my father:

"I don't care if you had a gun to your head or not, you had no reason not to tell me!!"

"Well if you said no a little earlier, maybe this wouldn't have happened..."

"You were the one who was in a relationship with a 50 year old man."

"I swear I thought he was gay!": - LIKE WTF DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT?????!!!!!

Oh, and regarding my parents...

How the hell did you miss these signs? They were like fireworks, they went off everywhere! The $750 keyboard he bought me, all the free dinners and movies out, the $200 worth of art supplies he bought me, the DIAMOND BRACELET he bought me...

What about when he said he would pay you both $500 to stay at our beach house for a week?! And when we were at the beach and it was about to storm and I wanted to go in the water, (and my mom was sitting right there and my 'abuser' said, "When you come out, I'll dry you off" with a big smile on his face!)

And I asked my dad "so how much money was my innocence worth to you?" - His answer was a smirk

From my 'so called friends'

"You're such a sl*t, I'm sure you liked it..."

"You could have tried to fight him off of you"

"You must have wanted it if you were in a relationship with him"

"You were 13. You were old enough to make a choice to say no!"

From one of my ex best friends...

"Maybe he thought you liked it and that's why he kept going" [referring to the handcuffs, gags and gun he used]

Ugh, I never understand the stupidity of some people!!!!!

Edited by darkangel312

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"Bad things happen to people who have sex outside of marriage."

- Thank you nice lady detective. Perhaps someday you can spend your time explaining this philosophy to a family member.

"He's not such a bad guy and he really didn't mean it. Perhaps you should call him and talk to him about it. I think you two just had a mis-communication."

- Thank you Mr Detective supervisor. I hope someday your wife or daughter gets to have surgery for her permanent injuries and you can tell her all about your theories about sexual mis-communication.

Sorry if I am offending anyone. I really don't want to see anyone have an experience similar to mine. I just wish the people handling my case had been less idiotic.

Edited by blondi

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One of my fav people in the world, love her and her family...my ex was the one that hurt me, and i left then went back and this was right before i went back...she said to me, "If he really did what you said he did you wouldn't go back. It had to be something like regret sex".

It has been over a year and I can't forget her saying that to me..

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all of my family members had said to me "you are tearing apart the family-- you are the only one not willing to heal"

"majority rules"

"it's been 6 years--get over it"

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My old housemates used to say all the time:

"I wouldn't let anyone rape me"

They knew about me and would still make stupid comments like that.

Although, looking back, they were stupid people.

It still hurt.

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I justttt got told this one

"Its a really good story. I mean, youve got talent. Ill give you that."

:hammer:

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A couple of day after being attacked by a stranger, luckily unsuccesfully, I put up a fight and he ran away : grandmother - she seems a bit jumpy in public places, it's a bit weird. I think she needs to see a psychologist. [if it wasn't so sad this line would be funny].

Stop worring about getting attacked. It's all about the way you behave yourself. If you behave yourself properly you won't get attacked. [another shocker by grandmother - ffs I was walking from the beach in shorts and a shirt, I was just walking, I was doing nothing else].

10 minutes after witnessing the attack by mother: Stop worrying and stop being hysterical. Go back to your room and pack, we need to go now, you're wasting time. You taught him a good lesson, he won't be so brave the next time.

2 minutes later after I locked myself in the bathroom: Stop it! I don't know what you're getting upset about. Get out of my bathroom please, if you want to get hysterical go back to your room (we were staying at a hotel), just please don't do it here. I've already told you I'm proud of you, you taught him a good lesson.

Friends: ignore me since it happened so they don't have to talk about it.

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its just a stupid nightmare shut up and go back to sleep!

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at least twice a week by a well meaning but naive lady in my life -

"remember! stop pressing the replay button!"

(makes me feel so degraded - LADY! IF IT WAS THAT EASY, DONT YOU THINK I'D HAVE DONE IT ALREADY?! DUH!!!! :hammer: )

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**********t*************************

My mom the day the dhs people told her, "You don't even know what sex is....why would you say these things about your father? If you needed our attention, all you had to do was ask?" (wish I said, "Really, because I am 12 and he's in my room 3-4 nights a week....would you like to know about oral, anal, playboy, or the pony game?)

1 yr later--grandmother "You are going to be the death of your mother and she is my baby and I can't let you hurt her anymore. you will go to therapy and you will talk. your mom wants you home." (wish--What the f...k, excuse me I was the one who got f...ked, kicked out, and had to live with strangers...I'm going to be the death of her.....what about why she didn't protect me?)

one old friend we were 14---curled her nose and said "you had s x with your father...eww and you let him?" (Let him? I didn't know that I could tell him NO after all he beat the hell out me with a belt at a drop of the hat)

last therapist--last year---"Oh, I just want to vomit" after telling her the way it started. (Thanks--I didn't feel enough shame....i'm so fkd up that even the professional can't hear my sh*t. There is also the matter of his being the dad and weighing like 250 and me being 9 and weighing like 75)

my ex best friend--"You just need to get over it. It's in the past...leave it there." (It's not in my past. It's in my dreams, in my quiet moments, it's when my husband touches me, or you talk about sex with your partner..it's my first thought in the morning and my last thought each night. I wake up with clenched teeth and stiff muscles from fighting all night long...that's my present...not my past.)

co-worker---"You have to stop dwelling on it....you can't live there...you choose to dwell on it." (Choose--now that's something I've never had--How do you not dwell?)

ex bestfriend--"I love you, but I will not talk with you anymore about your past. You need to get over it...get past it and I'm not going to help you dwell there." ( How can you love me and deny me....how can you see me hurting and just say that's it....we won't speak of this anymore)

abuser--"I thought you liked it" "Well, why else would you ask me if I would be coming into your room later" (Liked it?WTF--I just needed to know if I had the night off you sick bastard)

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my mother, to me when i was maybe 8, after she found a note saying 'i hate daddy'. (i denied it meaning anything. i said my barbie wrote it.)

"dont you know how much this hurts me, how much your father would be hurt to see it"

"he is my husband, and he will always come first"

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A friend, when I first started to tell what had happened a few weeks ago - I told her a little, not a lot but the gist.....and she said later to me on the phone... "Well, it went on for 2 1/2 hours..so you must have wanted it" or something like that..... I felt so ashamed and stupid. Was she right??? I decided no because I definately did not want that to happen...

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A little bit of validation coming here - I remember one night I was crying to a friend on the phone and just going, 'I promise, I promise I didn't want it, I promise, I didn't want it to happen.' Then he said, 'why are you blaming yourself then?' I said, 'Well sometimes I think, what if I did want it to happen? But I know I didn't, I promise I didn't.'

And then he said words that I will remember for the rest of my life, 'Well then you didn't. You don't sound like you wanted it. You KNOW you didn't want it. People who want it don't struggle with scars like that years after. Just accept that you didn't want it and it wasn't your fault'.

Ah. Medicine to the soul. A portion of the population is actually sane. Yes, it can be done!

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