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Vera

Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

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^^ :hug::hug::hug: (((((Becky)))))

I've been told that too :hug:

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"just forget about it, chelsea! i can tell that you think about it a lot. but, eventually you are just going to have to forget about it. i am sure there are people that have been r***d just like you have and have forgotten about it. you can, too, chels!"

what the fu-ck? you have got to be kidding me! i will never forget what happened to me!! this is apart of my past, it is now apart of me! this is not something you just get over like you would a cold!! this is something that you learn from, heal from and move past gradually! i dont know what else to say at the moment so i am going to just end this comment on that note.

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I was with a group of people and the subject of child abusers came up and my dad (my abuser) said "yeah, they ought to just castrate every one of those guys if you ask me."

I think you get the picture  :punch:

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"Did he have a big c*ock?" First thing my friend said to me when she found out - it hurt and she still, can't to this day see why it hurt me so much.

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I think for me the most ridiculous thing I heard was from a friend about 5 minutes after I told him what happened (two days after).

He sent me a text message saying "So when are we going to have s*x?"

WTF?!?! You can imagine I was furious, and had a few choice words for him.

Edited by brighteyes

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My boyfriend (in text) after the initial shock of recieving the news:

"I'm not mad, it's not like you let it happen. (unless you did LET it happen)"

IF i had LET it happen would i have gone to the police?!?! JESUS!

A Co-worker:

"You weren't in pain so it couldn't have been rape"

Not that it's any of your business but i wasn't a virgin you know nothing TW*T (not sure if that word is considered inappropriate or offense so i censored it in case)

Boyfriend:

Don't tell me anymore i don't want to hear it. I don't think i can handle it.

I thought: Well, gee, that's really brave of you considering you only have to LISTEN. I had to be there!!!

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"So he gave it to you good even though you didn't want it, eh?"

what hurt...besides the pain of these words, was that the person who attacked me was my father.

this as*hole didn't know that but it's still no F*cking excuse. This was a week ago and it's still messing with me.

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"your story does not match up with the times of the event so therefore i do not believe that you are being completely honest with me right now so this case is now closed" - detective

:ranting: what the he-ll do you mean the time events dont match up? i know what fu-ck-ing happened that day, a-s-s-hole! :ranting2:

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'Men are animals when it comes to sex and you can't expect anything at that point. It's just an urge, and they stop thinking.'- My Mum's theory about my brother's issues with me.

My reply: 'Thanks, Mum, only if an animal turns on me, I'll have it put down. What do you suggest I do with your son?'

'You're really just stressed to make an issue out of this. Have you been sleeping properly?' - My Dad showing his sensitive and caring side.

'It's not like anything really happened'- My Mum. Thanks, Mum, I suppose that also explains why I'm so angry and upset! I suppose that's not really happening either, is it? :ranting:

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"you're such an idiot, just get over it!"

 :punch: and with that i have nothing else to say because that comment right there that was made to me after i actually let my guard down and opened myself up to someone of whom i truly thought i could trust at the time just pi-ss-es me off to no end! :tantrum:

Edited by ~*chelsea*~

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"Did you give them any sign that could be considered provocation?"

- like anyone would really like to be kidnapped and raped....

"Why didn't you scream or fight?"

"It woudn't happened to you if you had a boyfriend or a husband. He would protect you"

"Did you like anything they did to you?"

"It's not like they killed you, so it's not that bad..."

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Mother

"I don't see it." -

When I explained how sadistic the neighbor who abused me first was.

Know you didn't, and if you had what would you have done??? You don't see him being that way, gee this is news to me b*tch!!!

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The defence lawyer said that because my times were mixed up then it couldn't have been rape. Like WTF!! Cos I was obviously looking at my watch all the way through.

Also the police doctor scientifically proved that I'm gay. Seriously. I have it written down and everything!!!

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"we dont even know if this is true or not. so, just get over it and move on with your life".

what the fu-ck? you cant be for real! you seriously think i made this sh-it up? well, i didnt so how about you "just get over it", you stupid mother fu-ck-ing son of a bi-t-ch-ing -a-s-s- hole and while you at it, why dont you just go burn in he-ll?!?

p.s. i feel better now, lol, thanks.

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This is a great thread.

A psychologist I was referred to as a teenager when I first disclosed said 'cant we just forget about this nonsense' Just because my parents told him they didnt think anything had happened.

Also my mum: 'you cant blame him for what he did, its not his fault'

Ex partner while I was having a nightmare 'will you shut up, I'm trying to sleep'

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This is a great idea for a thread.

My mom clams up and refuses to say anything about it (her way of denying it).But she chooses instead to talk to family & friends behind my back and get them to do her talking for her.

The day I told my brother (just months ago) he told me that mom "didn't remember" that I had told her that 10 years before!

Really? Funny she doesn't remember since I sent her and dad a letter telling them how toxic they are and she made herself out to be the model parent. I don't think a good mother would forget their child telling them something that traumitic had happened.

Also, my mom & brother maintain even now that I "have no proof". So it's ok for them to encourage my daughter to have a relationship with my rapist (my daughter's father).

And the attack from my brother when I told him. Stupid questions like "Why didn't you report it?" "Why didn't you tell me?" "Why didn't you tell anyone?"

He knows damn well why. Report it to the cops? Right we lived in a little backwoods redneck town. One of the cops that worked there at the time was just recently arrested for child molestation in another town (& yup, he was still working as a cop - that's how he met the poor kid he molested).

Finally I got pissed at my brother and said to him "If some guy three times your size had raped you in your early 20s, would you have gone to the cops and reported it? Would you have come to me (your sister) & told me? Would you have wanted anyone to know? The whole town to know?"

His answer : Dead silence.

The thing that pissed me off the most was the fact that he was questioning every little detail about me - like I was the one who did something wrong. Sorry bro, but if you had your sh*t together as much as you like to think you do, you would be questioning why HE did what HE did. He was in the wrong. End of story.

On behalf of everyone who has had to endure stupid comments from stupid a**holes :

Trudeau salute to the a**holes!

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"nothing is ever going to come of you"

yeah, i can say to that is that really hurt me!

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This one happened to me a few months back. I was hanging out with an old friend from high school, and his friends-who I had only met recently. I forget the whole conversation now, but the subject came to sex, and I remember my friend just coming out with "She's never gonna give it up!" And they all started LAUGHING! Now I had told my friend already that I had been hurt, so he pretty much knew. His buddies, however.... I couldn't even really react because, well..... How many people would want to reveal that kind of thing to people they've just met?
At the time, I think I rationalized that he might have forgotten what I'd said. I hadn't gone into detail, or anything, but I told him the basic gist of it. But it doesn't matter now because he proved his insensitivity even more since then, hence I do not speak to him.

Though on the flip side, one of my neighbors who had heard about it not long after it happened admitted one day that he'd love to find the guy and kill him. That was sweet. Harvey's like a surrogate grandfather to me. lol

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The other day I was at a write in for a contest I am doing called Nanowrimo where I am trying to write a 50,000 word novel in a month. My roommate and boyfriend were there and at one point they were joking around about molestation. They both know what I've been through. I just wanted to scream at them to stop, but I didn't cause I had just met everyone else there and we were in this tiny little coffee shop where everyone would have heard and I just would have made a spectacle of myself. I feel really hurt that they did that.

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Okay so I am new to this.. Bare with me..

An old friend

- "You have nothing to feel bad about. The rest of your life is good. Your family is okay. One thing doesn't make you a victim"

- "It doesn't count because you stopped him, besides.. If you could stop him, how come you didn't stop him sooner? You were just looking for attention"

- "You're a b*tch. You deserved it, why don't you do us all a favour, stop bitching about it and just kill yourself already"

Also, around the same time that it happened, there was this joke at my school that all the boys used to say all the time.. "It's not rape if you shout surprise" or "It's not rape, it's surprise sex"

People around where I live use "rape" like it's a word to be tossed around, "I feel like I've been raped" Oh really, and you'd know would you?!

And when I started my new job, one of the guys was messing around and picked me up around the waist and whispered in my ear "I'd love to rape you" Apparently rape is an acceptable word to use to describe sex.

I think not.

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From some ex-friends:

"I would not have gotten myself r*ped in the first place"

(well clearly that was my goal. i worked very hard at it.)

"A lot of other people have it MUCH worse, you should be grateful it wasn't worse"

(other people having it worse doesnt make mine hurt any less!)

"Who would want to r*ape you?"

(umm, pedophiles and r*apists, duh :duh: )

"People like us don't get r*aped"

(and exactly WHAT kind of people are we??)

ugh. these types of people are why i left high school and went to college a year early. so clueless.

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I've heard a lot of stupid things from friends and family too:

When my mum first found out I was raped:

"Why don't you report him? Why are you protecting him?"

(Grrr ... I was speachless :angry: ... Protecting him was the last thing on my mind, in fact I just wasn't ready as it had happened so recently and I had so much to sort out in my head)

"Why were you there in the first place? That was stupid"

(As if I'm not already ashamed and blaming myself for that)

"Don't let it bother you. Don't let him ruin your life"

(Ok then, thanks for the suggestion. I wonder why I never thought of that before? As if I let it happen at all)

Sometimes I wish people would think before they speak

b

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"everyone used to love you, chelsea. now, everyone is turning against you. i just dont understand why you are so angry all of the time. and this attitude, i just dont get it chels." - my mother

i have no comment besides the fact that this makes me feel like complete and utter cr-ap!

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Good thread!

I got

"What a load of sh*t. Come on, you just had sex and are regretting it aren't you."

Yeah, cos I have sex in a lane at night with a complete stranger ALL the time.

"Hang on, you didn't fight back, so how is it rape?"

I'd like to see how you deal in that situation. Thanks for reaffirming my thoughts of self loathing.

"I thought sex was supposed to be good. Are you sure you aren't exaggerating? It can't have been that bad."

What an absolute tosspot. Sex is not the same thing as rape.

All these were by the only person I ever told, my ex friend.

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.

Edited by whimsical1

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