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Vera

Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

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I have people, even family members, ask me what did my husband do about me being raped and why isnt he in jail for killing the SOB..................I tell them because my husband loves me more than he hates the abuser and he knows he cant help me from jail.

Red

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"I wish you would just stop making things up so that our family can finally move on. Get some peace."

First off, why would I make sh*t like that up? and second, maybe.... just maybe I would like to have some peace for myself.

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My mum, when I was 9: Next time, say no, loud and clearly

A bit later, when the guy got Alzheimers: Come with us to visit him. you have to be very nice because he is sick. What, you don't want to come?! Then i got told off badly...

And when I was 16: Well, he was a well-known playboy. Even his wife accepted that. That is why I thought it wasn't a big deal.

But I still love her. She tried her best, I know it.

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"I wish you would just stop making things up so that our family can finally move on. Get some peace."

First off, why would I make sh*t like that up? and second, maybe.... just maybe I would like to have some peace for myself.

Ugh I'm sorry that people have told you that. That's such a horrible thing to say, I've been told similar, it hurts. :( I don't understand people, I really don't.

:hug: to you

:ranting: for them

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"I'm kind of glad you don't tell me the details. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night."

Right. How do you think it is for me? *sigh*

"We don't always get what we want from people (referring to my parents) but we should appreciate what we do get."

Soo...I didn't get love, care, or concern, but I should appreciate all the abuse I got? Uhhh..NO!

"Do you think they realised what they were doing?"

Umm...how can you NOT realise you're r*ping a child? They weren't even drunk or drugged!

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Quit wasting money on HIV tests.

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Here are two I can think of.

"Just go up and leave it on the alter and give it to God......"

Imagine how i felt after doing so over and over and over again yet still dealing with the same issues. Why didn't it just stay there??? "Because you keep taking it back you aren't truly giving it to God". Wow huh.

An ex friend says to me....

"Sometimes I want to just shake you and tell you to stop being that way and just let it go".

Maybe she forgot the part where I told her it went on for about 15yrs and im only 33. Then she says that she use to be like me(she has had some abuse as well) but isn't anymore. Boy she was really wrong about that she is in denial. On and On she went.

I pretty much told her I'm nowhere near where i use to be on my healing journey and everyday I work on me and as long as Im continuing on my healing journey that I'm alright where I'm at. This is me with all my flaws accept me or don't. And she didn't....

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"Just go up and leave it on the alter and give it to God......"

Imagine how i felt after doing so over and over and over again yet still dealing with the same issues. Why didn't it just stay there??? "Because you keep taking it back you aren't truly giving it to God". Wow huh.

I've gotten this one a TON of times. I am a Christian, and I do pray about things, but God isn't a genie in a bottle. He's not going to magically make my past disappear.

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Guest SaraElizabeth

"It happened a over a year ago, you shouldn't spend all your time thinking about it"

"Ahh but that wasn't really r*pe then was it? It's not half as bad"

"Most people would be over it by now"

"You're just punishing me for the mistakes other people have made"

"He probably didn't think what he was doing was wrong"

"Please shut up and don't tell me anymore"

and then after I actually opened up and told somebody, they took advantage of it and spent the next few weeks coming up behind me, touching me, jumping out at me, because they thought it was funny to scare me.

BUT my favourite thing anyone said to me was:

"It's okayy Cariad me and Chris will go over to his house at midnight and spraypaint insults all over his doors and windows:)"

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:ranting2: this one really pi-ss-ed me off! "you probably enjoyed it, didnt you?!?" :ranting:

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"I don't mind paying for my OWN mistakes but I refuse to pay for your father's mistakes for the rest of my life"...........my husband has said that one to me SEVERAL times over our marriage, any time I am upset with something he has done he tries to put that onto my past.

(Just 3 days ago I told him that if you want to be with ME then you will seek counseling and figure out how to accept the WHOLE ME because being with me means that you WILL pay for my father's mistakes for the rest of your life!...........I'm still proud of myself for saying that)

"If I wasn't there, and no one else was there to SEE IT HAPPEN, then I don't believe that it happened"

"It's time to GET OVER IT"

"He had a really rough childhood, he just didn't know what he was doing"

"At least SHE told.......if you would have TOLD then it wouldn't have gone on so long"

"so you must have enjoyed SOME part of it or you wouldn't have let it continue".........I WAS A CHILD, LIKE I THOUGHT I HAD A CHOICE!!!!!!!!!!!

I really could go on and on with this one.........between my husband and my family, there's been some doozies!

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"so why didn't you stop it?"

Police officer when I was 9

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:triggering:

1.) "SHE'S GONE, SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU, HER LIFE HAS MOVED ON SO STOP BRINGING HER UP AND STOP THINKING ABOUT HER BECAUSE SHE SURE AS HELL ISN'T THINKING ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

My mother, about my perp.

2.) "Well maybe not NOW...but someday maybe."

My therapist, when I asked if anyone would miss me if I died.

3.) "Make sure you always keep karma in mind."

My perp. This would be a totally acceptable quote except coming from her wtf?????

4.) "Girls don't really rape that much. The only thing you really have to worry about is men."

My former best friend.

5.) "Why would SHE (my perp) give you nightmares, that is RIDICULOUS..."

Perp's best friend.

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having gone through what i went through i can definetly understand how that goes.

my father, to this day, is in denial. he believes i made it up to get attention. and he has scolded me so many times for making it all up. he makes me doubt it happened all together (then i look at the physical scars and remember how i got em and that's never good)

my mom, in turn, blames herself. she took care of me most of the time. she'd barely leave me alone...and this happened. her blaming herself has lead to her not wanting to see me suffer, so it's common to hear her say "get over it already".

i know, i suppose, that i will never be who i was supposed to be. and it hurts that i won't be the person i was raised to be.

how do we deal with it? how do we get the courage to answer?

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girls do rape...i was raped by men and women. but a lot of ppl do not understand this. they think rape is a man related activity...not so

and i am sure some of the ppl in here would miss u.

as far as nightmares go....those really suck, though not as much as flashbacks...those are reallllllyyyyy though

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"you idiot, you let this happen to you. you deserved it for talking and becoming friends with a man that is over the age of thirty. you should have known better." :cry:

^ that one hurt ... really bad actually.

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an ex-friend told me that "oh I thought it was a fantasy of you girls..a friend of mine says she would love to (get...)"

and my ex-fiancee

"stop crying about it, crying won't help..solve the problem."

(to which I said, sorry, WHICH PROBLEM EXACTLY???)

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these ALL came from my mother...........

That was a long time ago, I thought you were over that by now.

You really need to learn to pray more and let God take care of things for you.

Stop trying to FIX your father and FIX YOUR MARRIAGE (with my abusive husband)

I have a lot of information in my journal from that time that may help you with some of your memory............so then I asked her to drop it off so that I could read it..............her answer....OH YOU'RE NOT GOING TO READ IT, IT'S MY JOURNAL!

the only reason that you would feel guilty or ashamed is if you really did ENJOY parts of it

and a MILLION more things over the years...............OH, here's another........if you would have TOLD me then it wouldn't have gone on for so long

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"why didn't you just say no?" ( I had explicitly said I would not have sex under those circumstances and he knew)

and "he's a guy" ?!!?!?!?!

along with being told I'm naive, too trusting... which I would have to agree, but it still sucks to hear coming from a counsellor you talked to for only a few minutes, besides it shouldn't be an invitation for rape. He knew what he was doing, and he was the one who committed the WRONG.

Amazingly though, the most help I've received was not through counselling but was from my friend and my sister, who both knew exactly what to say: It wasn't your fault. He knew what he was doing. and I want to kill him. <-- just felt nice to hear. :\

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Friend #1: You need to just forget about it. It's all mind over matter

(Duh, if it was that easy, don't you think I'd be done with it by now?????)

Friend #2: You need to just build a bridge and get over it. It happened, and now it's your choice to forget it.

(I'm sorry, I didn't know I had a choice to just "forget")

Friend #3: It's done and over with. Yes, it went on for a long time, but it was also a long time ago. You just need to move on.

(Please wave your magic wand so I CAN move on...PLEASE!)

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after i was sexually assulted at a party i told my friend that night a week later we were with a group of people playing never have i ever ( a drinking game where you put down a finger for everything you've done) and when it was her turn she turned to me and said never have i ever suck di*k and everyone else turned to me and laugh thinking that it was a joke

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Love the thread, Vera

Grandmother: "What will people think about your mother and I?" when i had to testify in court--I was 15

What I should've said: "Jeez I am so selfish, why have I not been more concerned about how you and my mom are handling this"

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I want to revisit my SA issues - tulip

I thought we were done with that - past T

No just because I didn't talk about it doesn't mean it doesn't bother me - tulip

Well I not willing to go back in the past with you - past T

Why I knew you never believed me in the first place. And that hurt me. - tulip

Well at first I didn't. I am sure something happened to you.

But I'm not willing to deal with past issues, we need to move forward,

or you are going to have to look for help somewhere else. - past T

begins to :cry: - tulip(torn)

I have a wonderful T now, past T was a b**tard. More harm than good.

Edited by tuliptorn

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Why did you wait so long to say anything? (said in an angry voice)

:533:

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