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Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!


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One of the most invalidating things I've ever been told:

I don't see how guys can be raped.

You've already had sex, so if we ever have sex it wont be as special :tear:

John

People can be very very stupid. I'm sorry you have met one of them.

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One of the most invalidating things I've ever been told:

I don't see how guys can be raped.

You've already had sex, so if we ever have sex it wont be as special :tear:

John

That's so mean. I'm so sorry about that John... :hug:

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i'll share some remarks made to me from strangers ex friends and the like. many you have probably heard before.

"but he would have boasted about it if he had and he has sed nothing! so it didnt happen"

"stop making all this drama up"

"i would have cried blue murder if anyone raped me"

"i wouldnt let someone rape me"

"well that is what you get"

aww people r luvly eh?

arghhhhh don't these idiots get it? i've heard this sh*t before too...from family as well :console:

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Mom: "You're being SO immature and insensitive. MY dad was SO much worse..."

(Yeah, so anyone's behavior compared to YOUR dad's must be f*cking acceptable.)

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A conversation I had recently... X = thier words, S = mine.

X: So what happened to you

S: I was abused by my stepfather and mother from 8-14

X: (Leaning over table, mouth open) OMIGODYOUWEREAUBSEDBYYOURMOTHER????

S: Yee-ees

X: (Mouth still open, still shouting at the speed of light) OMG so have you got a problem with women, I mean is that why you have a problem with me?

FFS! Now this level of ignorance in the general populace is one thing, but in a fellow COUNSELLING student? :hammer:

Edited by Wolfie
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^^^^ ((((((Wolfie))))) I'm very sorry that someone treated you like this :hug: :hug:

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a recinet convo on msn, with a "friend" ive known since i was a baby!!....

[c=48]Caroline[/c] says: (14:39:39)

so what have yah been up to the day

jac says: (14:40:41)

F*ck all, im in a mood!!!!

[c=48]Caroline[/c] says: (14:40:54)

aww right how come

jac says: (14:41:24)

ya dont wanna hear it

[c=48]Caroline[/c] says: (14:42:23)

i asakd why u were in a mood

jac says: (14:42:35)

im in a mood cos im having flashbacks

[c=48]Caroline[/c] says: (14:42:51)

oh right

[c=48]Caroline[/c] says: (15:05:38)

so u up to much the night

jac says: (15:07:58)

duno, feeling like hell rite now, cant really think

[c=48]Caroline[/c] says: (15:08:56)

ok

[c=48]Caroline[/c] says: (15:17:03)

well im off the now goin in the shower bibi

jac says: (15:18:00)

u leaving, oh never mind then

[c=48]Caroline[/c] says: (15:20:07)

wot well man if yer gona be an arsholle to me well im no gona speak to yah u have done this to me a few times now get yersel sorted an stop fucken with me cos im no puttin up with yer takin yer suff out on me

what exactly did i do rong???

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Of anyone who knows, my mother was the worst. My dad's response was, "So, I heard you talked to the police today. That must have been rough." My mom's response was, "Why didn't you say anything? Did you like it? Did you think it was "cool" for an older guy to be interested in you?" I don't remember exactly what I said(this conversation happened just before Christmas btw) but I know I won that argument. Anyone else who knows has been quite supportive, but why must my own mother be such a jerk? Now she's defending the guilty party, who she has never spoken to in her life, and I still have to go to his house every week. This is hardly fair treatment!

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Hi Joey,

I noticed you are new here, and I wanted to welcome you! :)

I'm also sorry for the way you've been treated, esp after such a traumatic event. It is not fair to have to spend time with your abuser still..... I'm so sorry......

Jo

Edited by Saltywaters
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About my mum's boyfriend...

I only told the other day, only a few people know, and they have mostly been supportive. But a couple of comments from somebody, I won't say who, did tick me off.

"Did you kiss him back?? Ewww." Firstly, that's not something you say. I was 11. And I didn't have much choice, but that just made me feel like I was kinda dirty.

"Why did you decide to tell now?" That was say a few times. It's not an awful comment or anything, but when it's said more than one it makes you wonder if they don't believe you.

"Why did you keep going with him?" I don't wanna hear it, because I ask myself the same thing time and time again, and I don't know!!

I know that none of these were said in a way to make me feel bad, they just we're really thinking carefully enough!

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This is not so bad...but now I hesitate to tell others...

I and my friend chatted about medical care in our local hospital. I told here about my bad experience during my last visit and she asked me why I was there. I told her because I was assaulted. Her reaction: “Well, you were just unlucky. The doctor was an idiot. You can meet these people everywhere.” Then she added: “Oh, how we spoke about my bad memory… my mum wants me to call her when I go somewhere at night if I´m OK and I often forget to.” Ok I didn’t say anything I was thinking “Does she mean it was my fault, it couldn’t happen to her…” I know it is common reaction but it does hurt.

“Well, my dear friend, you know what? It happened to me in the morning. I’m sorry to be destroying your feeling of safety but it could happen (I do not wish that) to you as well.”

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  • 4 weeks later...

When trying to contact an online counselor:

"Because your a male we can't help you"

"Our service has limitations" - "What like you wont help 40% of sexual assault victims" - "We have our limitations"

"I suggest you contact a private practice for f2f counseling" - "I'm 17 do you really think I can afford that" - "I think I've made our policies quiet clear"

And this is from a services from "a state-wide 24 hour telephone and online crisis, support and referral service for anyone who has experienced sexual violence."

:(

John

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When trying to contact an online counselor:

"Because your a male we can't help you"

"Our service has limitations" - "What like you wont help 40% of sexual assault victims" - "We have our limitations"

"I suggest you contact a private practice for f2f counseling" - "I'm 17 do you really think I can afford that" - "I think I've made our policies quiet clear"

And this is from a services from "a state-wide 24 hour telephone and online crisis, support and referral service for anyone who has experienced sexual violence."

:(

John

:hammer::hammer::hammer:

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A friend of mine in college was like a sister to me. I finally started trusting her and for about a year she was always there when i needed a friend. and all of a sudden we had a huge falling out, idk what happened.

she told me it was too hard to listen to. and she told a friend of mine when i was gone that she was glad i'm not around 'burdening' her. and then she made me promise to never hurt anyone by telling them my 'stories'.

i stopped talking to her after all this. and now recently she's started being all friends again. she wants to hear about how i am, but i'm too scared to talk to her. and thanks to her promise? i'm too scared to talk about everything again. :hammer:

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after I lost my baby boy someone actually said to me

"o honey there will be other babies"

What ???? thats my baby, I will never get him back even if we have other children he can not be replaced.

WTF seriously people, think before you open your mouth.

Aftan

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My parents both said to me, "You know if you had made better choices back then you would have never met those people."

"If you had just listened to us, we wouldn't have had to kick out of the house and it would have never happened"

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH.. all I wanted back then was to be heard or for someone to care. It never happened.. I moved on.

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A friend of mine in college was like a sister to me. I finally started trusting her and for about a year she was always there when i needed a friend. and all of a sudden we had a huge falling out, idk what happened.

she told me it was too hard to listen to. and she told a friend of mine when i was gone that she was glad i'm not around 'burdening' her. and then she made me promise to never hurt anyone by telling them my 'stories'.

i stopped talking to her after all this. and now recently she's started being all friends again. she wants to hear about how i am, but i'm too scared to talk to her. and thanks to her promise? i'm too scared to talk about everything again. :hammer:

I'm really sorry. I think people say things like that when they aren't ready to deal with their own issues. Maybe it triggered memories for her that she wasn't ready to deal with. Sending hugs and support to you.

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When trying to contact an online counselor:

"Because your a male we can't help you"

"Our service has limitations" - "What like you wont help 40% of sexual assault victims" - "We have our limitations"

"I suggest you contact a private practice for f2f counseling" - "I'm 17 do you really think I can afford that" - "I think I've made our policies quiet clear"

And this is from a services from "a state-wide 24 hour telephone and online crisis, support and referral service for anyone who has experienced sexual violence."

:(

John

HUGS John,

It has happened to me here too unfortunately. It hurts really bad and makes me even more want to crawl into my shell wish i had never opened it up in the first place.

take care,

kevin

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  • 3 weeks later...

one friend asked if I was sure I wasnt having a flash back to the last time I was raped

a cousin actually took a step back away from me like she was physically repulsed or afraid the rape would rub off on her.

and a detective suggested that next time I go to the police sooner and try to save as much evidence as I can............................Like I plan on getting raped again ?????!!!!!!!!

But the worst by far was by my best friend who was the wife of the rapist........"you only said no because you knew it turned him on, youre nothing but trailor trash and always will be"

(obviously not friends anymore)

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I know that this thread is about invalidation, and most of the time that's all I get from people. But, I did get an exceptional comment from an exceptional person and I thought you all would enjoy. She asked me about the abuse in a round-about way and I admitted to it. And then she said: "That f*cker needs to DIE!!!! I. Will. KILL. HIM!!!!!!!" .... yes, she is my favorite person. Ever.

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