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Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!


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Goodness, I can't believe people would say such despicable things. It's just so sad that people don't think before they speak or act. It would save so much pain if people really thought more about the consequences.

I guess I have something to say.

Besides this board and one person, I've never told anyone about the sexual abuse, but my mum completely invalidates and denies everything I say about anything bad that's happened to me. I tell her that that's what she's doing, but she denies that she's invalidating me! She refuses to just validate me about one thing, but she'll freakin' terrorize me until I do that for her.

She'll compare my life and hers and tell me that I have nothing to complain about, and she'll use her experiences against me. She was abused as a child, and she frequently throws that in my face, saying things like, "No one ever beat you. You weren't abused."

Excuse me? I was only beaten up and almost killed for most of my life! No, that doesn't count as physical abuse, does it? Maybe if she didn't leave the room, ignore it, and blame me for my brother's actions by saying that I should have been responsible and known better, she would know that, yeah, I was abused, damn it. Just because it was by my brother, whom I do love, and not someone else, that doesn't make it okay. He's three times my size and two years older than I am. "Oh, siblings fight. It's natural." Yeah, they do, but is one constantly at a disadvantage, vulnerable, and in serious danger, having to fear for anything they do that could set their abuser off? Is that the same?

You know the real kicker? She won't admit that I've ever been abused in any way, though I have, and she'll argue with me, but she didn't let us stay home together because she was afraid that we would kill each other.

HOW BACKWARDS IS THAT? She's so hypocritical.

Oh, and she thinks that I abuse her.

I may not complain often -- though she thinks that I do -- and I may keep silent, but that does NOT mean that my life has ever been perfect. I'll be the first to admit that I don't have it that bad, but that doesn't mean that I don't deserve better. And I would feel worlds better if she would just recognize my pain and believe me, not jump down my throat about it and ignore it, tell me I'm lying, and then being hypocritical. She won't admit to being a hypocrite. She tells me that I'm lying and I obviously don't know what the word means. Then she won't admit to having called me a liar.

She never admits to anything -- not even not admitting to anything. It's absurd.

Sorry, I guess that turned into a rant. Let me know if I should delete this.

I just really wish that she would listen to me for once. I listen. I always listen. She's not half as supportive as she thinks she is. And I really do love her so much, so I hate being mad at her or saying unkind things about her, but I need to speak up sometime. She's such a nice and kind person, but she can be so cruel and not even realize it. I just want her to believe me and not challenge me. Then maybe I can move on.

Back on topic, though, I really loathe being told to "get over it" or "pull myself together" or "force myself" to not be depressed. I can't stand it, and when I say that, people think that I'm being an idiot and they ask why. Why? Why exactly do you think I can just "force myself," then, huh? That's why I don't like being told that.

Edited by Tale
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The first time I ever told someone that something had happened five years after it ended the response my aunt gave me was, "It was a long time ago and nothing good can come of it so don't say anything." At the time he was having issues with his wife and he traveled a lot for work so she didn't want me to say anything because that would "upset his family."

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May trigger

I was shocked by question of my brother´s girlfriend: “Was HE at least handsome?”

"Surprisingly, I didn´t care about his appearance. Answering YES mean I shouldn´t moan or what?”

I know my mum wants to help me and not hurt me but she just doesn´t understand at all. She never asked how I felt but she asked me “Was he nervous?”, “Why he did this and that etc.?”. The only topic relate to it we can speak about is him (and police stuff).

“Why did he act so silly (meaning: why did he hold a knife on your throat)? If he would have acted normally you could start dating him.” (after being raped by a stranger – I think she was still in a shock, I hope, she wouldn´t say this in a normal state) “Maybe I could act differently. Maybe offer him another “date”?” It makes me sick just joking about it.

“I am glad your school results are so good. I think you don´t need therapy anymore.”

“Yes, it is why I´m going to therapy, to improve my school results. Good school results mean that I am perfectly OK now.”

The most stupid note was made by a police officer: “The phone numbers didn´t work during summer.“ :533: He was surprised that I expected them to work. (These numbers were posted on the police station´s door in case nobody is in).

I am not sure if this makes sense. My English isn´t good and translating some of stuff is quite difficult for me but I wanted to get it out of me.

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you think you guys hear that you must have wanted it, try being a guy. Any time I have told someone, especially a girl, the first thing I hear about is my *ahem* and how I must have wanted it a little. One guy said to me that she was just ugly and I regretted it. I've never gone to someone from church or anything because I expect roughly the same thing that you guys got, either an 'IDK what to tell you' or some half-a$$ed prayer by some j*ckoff who thinks that it's their job to pray about any and every problem someone has, like it makes them feel better to pray for the person, but it really is a shirk.

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I hear the same things Keihl and I don’t tell many people my story.

"Boys cant get raped"

“Be a man about it and move on”

"It's natural for children to explore each other sexually."

"People make too much of this, if it wasn't in the media so much then people wouldn't think that it had happened to them"

"So you are gay huh?" (yes being raped by another man makes you gay... rme)

“Are you still talking about that? It’s been a month already! ”

“You must have liked it if you went back.” (yeah… imagine going back home… )

“I’m so tired of hearing people whine about their lives, EVERYONE has troubles but you don’t hear me complain.”

“You have a tendency to elaborate on the truth, would you like to retell me that?” ( In other words.. I think you are a liar. from my T!! )

“Oh I have a friend who went through that” ( on the surface this sounds ok, but say it repeatedly, it negates your experiences. There’s nothing important in your story because the person you are talking to has already heard it from their friend… you don’t need to talk to me because I heard it all before and I am an expert on your suffering….so basically it’s a nice fat shut up.)

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"Boys cant get raped"

"Be a man about it and move on"

"So you are gay huh?" (yes being raped by another man makes you gay... rme)

I agree :tealribbon: - :hug:

These comments are very hurtful for a male survivor

Edited by biggestfoot
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After being r*aped by a "friend" at a party, I worked up the courage, with the help of my best friend, to tell my boyfriend of 4 years what happened. He was (I thought) a very loving and empathetic person and I expected nothing less in this situation. If anything, I expected a greater amount of support than I could have imagined. When he started to cry, this strange sense of relief flooded over me. He was hurt because I was hurt... he was going to help me work through this... Then I heard "How could you do this to me? How could you do this to US?" He later apologized for his reaction and said he was sorry about what happened to me, but didn't ever want to talk about it again.

It's strange, but I seemed to feel more emotional betrayal from this than from the r*ape itself. I didn't tell anyone else for a long time. I even stopped talking about it with my best friend who had been so supportive from the beginning. She viewed this as a sign that I was healing and 'moving on' and never pushed the subject.

I have been unable to tell anyone close to me about my experience out of fear that they will react the same way.

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***Triggers***

Some of the hurtful words I had to hear wasn't all bout validation, but they were still engraved into my mind to be set there for live....

"How dare you draw pictures like these of my husband! You are a bad girl!"... when I tried to express in the only way I knew of at 8, to tell someone how he hurt me and what he was doing to me.

"You will apologize to my son for falsly accusing him of sexually abusing you!"... when I tried to tell the b*stard's mum what happened. And at the same time, he shouted at me "If I wanted to rape you, I would have done it properly!"

"Nah, she's just seeking for some attention."... when I got temporarily paralized by an unidentified brain virus, this was my mum-in-law's 'diagnosis'.

"You are the reason that my son is turning to alcohol!" ... when my husband were heavily drinking, this was one of my mum-in-law's reasons.

"Only people with low selfesteems write in pencil."... a math teacher of mine, in grade 10, said to me when I wrote only one calculation in pencil.... well, low selfesteem or not, I got an A+ for math!

"Don't put your dad on a pedestal; he wasn't always a wonderful man."... my mum said once.

"I can't understand why you are hurting over this."... said by a previous friend when I shared with her.

"If you were a more stable friend, non of this would of been an issue. You would of been happy for me."... said by my best friend, but yeah, this is truth that hurt.

"What happened to working on this?" ... said by a friend when I had a real low day.

"Just breath baby. Relax. It's almost there." ... said by my husband the first time he performed anal sex on me and hurt the sh*t out of me.

Some other hurtful words from my husband....

"Why are you crying? You have no reason to cry."

"That's why I married you, for you to give me sex. It's your duty towards me."

"You won't put a foot out of this house!"

.... and the list goes on.... enough for now

Edited by CrushedSoul
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i was on the fone to a 'friend' a while back...woz havin a really bad day..and she asked wot woz rong..i sed "I feel disgusing, keep having flashbacks, im just really scared".....her reply....

"Oh are you still goin on about that"......me, "look, im sorry ok, dont worry, i wont tell ya whats happening in them, im sorry, i cant help this happening to me"

her reply "I think your talking sh*t, and if your gonna go on like this, im not talking to you"

me..."what...talking sh*t....Why the hell would i make this stuff up?"

"cos i think your an attention seeker, if that stuff was happening to you, you would have told, so stop bullshitting me"

me *in tears*..thanx caroline...*hangs up fone*

then foned a really good mate, Emma, and basically cried for an hour down the fone to her..Emma was great bout it all....sed carolines attitude is appalling and that shes always gonna be there anytime i need to talk bout any of this stuff...and she helped a lot..but still...i find it hard enuff to admit this stuff happens....and...caroline sed im...lying :(

xxxmegan

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((((((((((((sonnet))))))))))))) I am so sorry she was such a total b*tch. You didn't deserve that. I believe you. I don't think you are seeking attention, I think you are suffering from real trauma. It's completely normal for you to have aftermath, and it's pretty pathetic that she was unable to grasp this. I feel sorry for her. She's missing out on a great friend. I'm glad you have Emma. She sounds lovely. :)

It's good for you to talk about your feelings, and how aftermath is effecting you. It doesn't help you at all to keep them bottled up and suffer alone. I hope this experience doesn't prevent you from reaching out again. I'm here for you, I believe you, and I care about you. :hug:

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"But the doctor said that your hymen was still intact!", insisted my mother, as I reminded her of my ER visit for cuts inside my vagina by my brother (7 yrs older than me).

She said that as if that would be a comfort to me. She's funny, NOT! :rofl3:

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there were plenty...but just want to put here two, both said by the same woman. First I did not want to tell her anything, but she was pushy....so I told her I was abused/raped....and her reaction was: Omg, why are you dealing with it now? It is past so just forget it. ...it was few years ago...

Last week the same lady....So you are no more a virgin? I said...of course not...She said:well i did not think you are such a bad christian

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there were plenty...but just want to put here two, both said by the same woman. First I did not want to tell her anything, but she was pushy....so I told her I was abused/raped....and her reaction was: Omg, why are you dealing with it now? It is past so just forget it. ...it was few years ago...

Last week the same lady....So you are no more a virgin? I said...of course not...She said:well i did not think you are such a bad christian

Ouch. That's so downright cruel, I'm so sorry she said that to you. You're not bad in any sense of the word. :hug:

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  • 4 weeks later...

I have two sisters. one believes i was molested as a child (by both my adopted Mother and Father, separately), and the other one thinks i'm "crazy, confused, exaggerating, misinterpreting", etc...

from a psychiatrist in a mental hospital: "what's so special about you that all these married men want to have sex with you?"

from guys i used to date: "your mother molested you? you're lucky! you want to have a two on one?"

"you must be a lesbian"

"it was because your mother didn't get to breastfeed you"

from friends: "you know they have medication for that"

"you put out a vibe"

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from a psychiatrist in a mental hospital: "what's so special about you that all these married men want to have sex with you?"

I hope you replied with something like, "You're the shrink, why don't you tell me?!"

:hammer::hammer:

Edited by Alicia
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I was actually told by numerous people I got what I deserved. Yeah ok what ever

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One of the most invalidating things I've ever been told:

I don't see how guys can be raped.

You've already had sex, so if we ever have sex it wont be as special :tear:

John

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