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Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!


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From my coach upon telling her I was molested about 4 weeks ago:

"Well you should realize that people aren't just going to take care of you."

I was thinking, thanks coach. I guess I didn't realize that MY TEAMMATES were going to let some guy molest me.

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stupidest comment?????!!!!!!!!!!

My dad is in JAIL for what he did to me...I testified ALONE and this is what MY SISTER txted me -

(when I refused to correspond with dad in jail)

"U like the idea of kickin a dog when its down?

Stop thinkin of urself. U can't just act the way you want and f*ck THE CONSEQUENCES ON ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

I won't make acceptions for this behaviour this time sarah"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????????????????????? did HE think about the fucken consequences???

I think my relationship with my sis is over for now... :angry::hammer:

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the one that hurt me the most and forever will was by my father after he found out

"What do you want me to do about it" Said in a very sarcastic tone, followed by "Don't tell your mother"

him and the man are still friends to this day

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the one that hurt me the most and forever will was by my father after he found out

"What do you want me to do about it" Said in a very sarcastic tone, followed by "Don't tell your mother"

him and the man are still friends to this day

:ranting: Ruby that is royally f*cked up. Your dad need a swift :buttkick: I'm sorry he's such an ass.

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Hi, I am new to this, but I have one to contribute as well...

From my best friend about a month ago when new memories surfaced:

" I can't believe you're still letting this bother you"

I didn't reply at the time related to the feelings of utter worthlessness. But what support!

OOOOH I have another one- from my roommate 3 days after being discharged from an adult psychotherapy day program (after being there for a month) :

"If you're not gonna be in therapy, then you need to go to work"

Because I'm all better after discharge, and have no need to unwind for a few days. Daily therapy is a vacation!!

These are the comments that make me wanna become a hermit.

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  • 2 weeks later...

When I was trying to say what triggered me into a panic attack....

Oh great more triggers....

After not being wanted and later told this sme person saying she didn't like me...

If anyone needs to go crazy it's me for losing my husband...okie dokie..why is it that one pain must be more painful then another pain??

And the worse one

You're too damaged....

and my all time favorite...

Bet you got alot of experience learning about all that..in ref to the type of child porn..

peeshaw...grrr now Im pissed.

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My mom has said all of these and they still hurt when I think of them

"Well I knew about it but you just had to keep going around them didnt you?"

"It's been three yrs now just get over it already."

"Well you heard the police man it couldnt have possibly been r*pe are you sure?"

"You need to stop letting them ruin your life."

My ab*sers all said these

"You deserve this."

"Well you are just a little wh*re anyway so what's the harm?"

"I am getting what you owe me."

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"Oh, you always were so emotional. Don't hang out with such emotional friends and you wont' come up with such stories."

Mom and Dad -- back to that loyalty issue......I still cannot feel anger towards my parents for this :blush:

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"Oh, you always were so emotional. Don't hang out with such emotional friends and you wont' come up with such stories."

Mom and Dad -- back to that loyalty issue......I still cannot feel anger towards my parents for this :blush:

Ugh. I've gotten similar comments...I'm sorry you and so many of us have run into these insensitive and sometimes just plain hurtful people.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

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My mom always took this approach. When I started having the memories at around 18/19, I went to her and asked her to take me to therapy. She just said again that

"it must be a very active imagination and it was in the past; what was the point in trying to remember or dredge something up like that?"

My dad offered, but he said he would help me if I would just tell him what happened. But that was the point....I couldn't just sit down, face to face and tell my dad something like that. So, he went along with my mom.

Denial is how my mom deals with things.

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From my dad (my abuser)

"Why are you so upset about this? It's not like you were a virgin." (I was 16 and had a bf that I had recently lost my virginity to)

Yeah well you know what you f*cker? I don't care if I was 50 years old and had slept with 3000 men, it would always upset me if MY DAD tried to be one of them!!!!! (I said this to him)

From my mom

"Now Rhea, tell me, did he cup your breast? He cupped your actual breast? Okay, did he touch you vagina? Okay, what part did he touch? Did he put his fingers inside of you? Okay (spinning around with her hands up in the air and a smile on her face to my dad and brother and lil sis), see? See? NOTHING happend! Don't you see honey? NOTHING happened! He put the gun to your head but he didn't pull the trigger! NOTHING happened!" (b/c he didn't penetrate me "nothing happened)

I said, "But HE PUT THE GUN TO MY HEAD MOM! YOU DON'T SEEM TO CARE ABOUT THAT! THAT'S STILL ATTEMPTED MURDER! THAT'S A SERIOUS OFFENSE!!! AND HE DIDN'T PULL THE TRIGGER B/C I STOPPED IT MOM! ME! NOT HIM!!!!"

Then she said, "Well, that was a bad analogy, but you know what I mean."

No I don't you b*tch! I'm your daughter, he's my dad my BIO dad! How can you not care that he "put the gun to my head"?!

Then she also said "There's no such thing as ATTEMPTED molestation in a court of law. You can't prove anything in a court of law (big smile on her face)(both my parents are in law)

f*ck a court of law! Who gives a sh*t about whether you can prove it or not?! What about right and wrong?! My dad tried to f*ck me you b*tch!!

More from my mom

"You just need to forgive, forgiveness will set you free."

"It's too bad somebody didn't jump about of the bushes and rape you, becaue then you'd have a real story." (that was in a voicemail she left me)

From my older sister after I vented how angry I was that he's been getting off scot free while I've had to carry this around forever...

"Rhea, now you're acting like a victim. You can't be vengeful, that's coming from the standpoint of a victim."

From my brother

"Wait, did dad just feel you up or was there more?"

WTF do you mean did dad just feel me up?! Are you listening to what you just said?

From my grandma

"Rhea you need to stop this! (meaning therapy and confronting it). You're not gonna get pregnant from a little touch and a hug. Your father didn't rape you."

But he TRIED to grandma! He TRIED! Alright, he didn't try to rape me. My father tried to have consensual sex with me and I wouldn't consent. Does that make it better?! (I said this to my brother too after he made a comment about if dad had wanted to rape me, "he woulda just pinned me down and done it"

Wheww! That felt really good to get off my chest. Now I don't feel so sad about not wanting to have contact with my parents.

Edited by justbeginning
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I gave my boyfriend at the time my virginity but after I had sex with him a few time he sodomized me and one of my friends said well you are dating him and you were having sex so you should just deal.

And a couple of my friends have said it's about time you move on trust isn't that hard.

I have not been with anyone since it has been six years but to me trust is a big deal.

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More from my mom

"It's too bad somebody didn't jump about of the bushes and rape you, becaue then you'd have a real story." (that was in a voicemail she left me)

:hug:

Edited by AmyLyn
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Thank you. :hug:

That one pissed me off for a while. She can get so nasty! She has left me many many voice messages where she is just... evil.

The last one she left me went "Rhea, now you're not answering my phone calls. You know, you used to be so strong, never play victim BUT I guess you're looking for sympathy... anyway...."

f*ck you b*tch! I'm not "looking for sympathy" and even if I was, I certainly know I would never get it from you!!!!!

Her tone of voice so UGH! I just can't explain it.

She keeps saying to me that "your father and I sat down after you told me and had a good long talk about it. We moved on, you need to too" (she says he was going through a "weird phase" but I know that bastard hasn't changed a bit and even if it was a "weird phase that's still no excuse)

Well gee, thanks mom! I'm glad you and dad sat and had a little chat about him trying to f*ck me and me fighting him off. THANKS! I'm glad the two of you "moved on" together and "got over it". Who cares about me or how it made me feel. "It only happened once" and that shows what a GOOD MAN he is.

I asked my mom what she would have done if I hadn't stopped it. If I had let it go "all the way". I wanted to know just what it would have to take to get her to even THINK about leaving him.

She said "Rhea, you asked me a very important question and I want to answer it. You wanted to know what I would've done if he had actually had sex with you, WHICH HE DIDN'T WHICH HE DIDN'T, let's not forget that HE DIDN'T, but you asked me and I want to answer. The answer is I don't know. I don't know what I would have done, but the important thing is that that never happened!"

This hurt me so much. I said, "What do you mean YOU DON'T KNOW!! Even if dad had full on raped me you STILL don't know what you would have done???!!!! You wouldn't leave him and prosecute immediatly?! You DON'T KNOW?! Even if my dad had FULL ON raped me, then maybe, MAYBE you MIGHT CONSIDER leaving him!! I can't believe you!!"

I still can't believe she SAID that! After thinking about her answer too!! She called me back to answer because she NEEDED TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT and her answer was I DON'T KNOW?!!!

What kind of mother is she?! :cry:

edited to fix typos

Edited by justbeginning
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hi Rhea,

I just wanted to say I think you're doing the right thing not having anything to do with parents....and I don't really get why they keep saying "your acting like a victim" as if you shouldn't be considering you have been victimised. and just to add the way you're acting being upset and angry about being violated and confronting your abuser and removing yourself from their negative influence is actually showing real strength. and I applaud you for that.

Take care :)

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hi Rhea,

I just wanted to say I think you're doing the right thing not having anything to do with parents....and I don't really get why they keep saying "your acting like a victim" as if you shouldn't be considering you have been victimised. and just to add the way you're acting being upset and angry about being violated and confronting your abuser and removing yourself from their negative influence is actually showing real strength. and I applaud you for that.

Take care :)

Thank you so much! :wub:

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I have been thinking all day about this word: "invalidation". Most of us had to deal with this in some form or another....it can be someone minimizing your experience or even avoiding you because of it. Often unintentionally upsetting comments are made by friends or relatives, those closest to you and whose opinion you value the most. No wonder many of us have a huge problem with trust...sometimes we learn not to trust to protect ourselves.

I thought I'd make a list of some of these stupid remarks that have been said to me together with my replies ( Most of the time I didn't say anything but I thought I'd write down what I now wish I said back then)

"I'm sorry but this is an unpleasant issue"

Ok, I apologize for even bringing it up then .....you know it was so pleasant for me to live it!

"Is he the one who did you?"

Excuse me? Did me?

"So what? My life is worse then yours"

"It was a long time ago, maybe it's about time for you to move on and get over it?"

Well, it still feels like yesterday but thanks for your precious advise...

"Are you sure he raped you? He seemed like such a nice guy"

Geez, let me think about it...Yes, I am sure.

Feel free to share any stupid comment made to you and your response... maybe we can find a way to laugh at them together :P

"You can't call him the Father of your child because he didn't care." My mother said this to me 12 years after I miscarried due to an assault by a man who repeatedly assaulted me for 2 years, and then returned for 4 more. Funny thing, I never did call him the father. But, she works at a pro-life clinic and just had to get her point across. hot3

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