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Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!


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My ex-very abusive-boyfriend yelled at me one day and said "it was your fault that your step-dad abused you. You liked it or you wouldn't have let it go on for so long"

A**HOLE! Like I dont have enough guilt/shame feelings already. Luckily, (and quite suprisingly given mine and my family history) I have an amazing, understanding husband who would never say such things to me.

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my mum "you have to realise that you have had unprotected sex and there are consequeces to that"

yeah like i wanted to have unprotected sex, i didnt even consent to it hapenning how can you describe something like that in such a normal way, like it was my fault that i was irresponsible for letting this happen

my dad " what have i told you about going south of the river.... u shud have never went to that party.. you think you would have had more sense than to stay there when there were ambulances coming from the place all night".

yeah well.... i did leave.. by myself and if i hadnt none of this would have hapened.

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When I told my mother at 15 that my cousin's husband tried to have sex with me when I was 13 but didn't because his wife showed up and he took off. Mom said: "Why didn't you just fight him off? You've always been a strong girl." Him: 38, male, 5'10", 180lb v. Me: 13, girl (at the time), 5'7, 120lb. Thanks mom. :dry:

Edited by afireinside
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Another stupid thing someone said was "if you didnt try to look good, boys wouldnt pay that kind of attention to you".... um, yeah, well hygiene is just a little important, dont you think?

Yeah, right. As if the way WE dress has the ability to MAKE someone else loose control of THEIR actions and rape us.

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"Why didn't you scream?"

Hmm, let's see, maybe because in addition to being penetrated anally I had my mouth shoved on to some other fucktard's di*k.

"It happens to everyone."

said by the fellow female who brought me to the house on purpose knowing that I would be raped

I'm glad this place is called AFTER SILENCE.

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"Why didn't you scream?"

Hmm, let's see, maybe because in addition to being penetrated anally I had my mouth shoved on to some other fucktard's di*k.

I'm so sorry that someone said that to you and I'm sorry for what happened to you,

:bighug:

Edited by AmyLyn
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my dearest mother

"your not depressed, you don't know what depression is"

my retort

"yeah, coz walking alongside train tracks is what all teh boys my age are doing"

I get very over touchy and emotional on the subject of r*pe, as i imagine you all understand

often i get the phrase, or something like it

"well its not like you were r*ped is it, stop being such a p*ssy"

I don't bother giving a reply to those people anymore, their not worth it

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"That's not possible, it couldn't have happened- you're just making it up." (From my youth pastor when I hinted that I might have been abused- here's what I felt like saying:)

EXCUSE ME?!?! Who lived my life? You? Or Me? Me! That's what I thought- so don't tell me what did or didn't happen in MY life!:punch:

"You don't have depression- you're just bored. Get a job." (This from my supposed "counselor" in my only experience with therapy- I didn't say anything, but here's what I was thinking:)

Riiiiiiight, like everyone who's bored attempts suicide 3 times. "Hey, I'm bored, I think I'll kill myself." Real bright- thanks for your diagnosis idiot! :duh:

Then there are lots of comments from my parents and family (my abusers), but I don't have enough time to list all of those.

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My mother "You need to tell me all the details. Why won't you tell me? Because you're making it up?"

Idiot. And she claims she was r*ped by her father. If she was, she would know a little better.

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by an "friend"

"Its not that i dont belive you jacqui, its just that somtimes i think you are probably exagerating things, i mean, if it was that trauamtising for you then why didnt you tell anybody, why did you let them do it for so long?"

"If all that really happened to you then sombody would have noticed and protected you..this stuff cant happen without anybody realising it"

"He was always nice to me, i just can see him doing all that."

"dont you think mabey you should just stop focusing on this so much, i mean move on..if it did happen then you need to get over it, if it didnt happen then you need to look at why you would say these things"

(i am no longer in communication with this friend)

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my ex-counselor when I said that as I remember I am still a virgin.

"but you said you were abused"

I said yes and she answered

"so if you are still a virgin than it is OK, it was not so bad"-guess why she is ex-couselor :unsure:

one lady when i told her

"it is long time ago. Just forget it. Or do you want people to feel sorry for you for the rest of your life?"

my mom when I mentioned I have some problems:

"depressions? How can you have a depression? If anyone has the right to have it then it is me. You can be thankful for family you have."

(actually my manipulative mother who is thinking how perfect mother she was. I never told her about my abuse)

ex-friend:

"why do you tell me that it is not OK to go to bar to find someone for sex. You-you who had sex at 10"

firend:

"So it happened. And what?"

Edited by probably
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..............................

Edited by keihl
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Several I felt like sharing if that's ok:

The ringing empty silence after I told my mother I was raped. She continued baking.

********some of this may trigger*********

"Why didn't you come and knock on the door?" My friend after I told her I was raped. Er, probably because some numb n*t was lying on top of me making me do unspeakable things with his kn*b and I was frightened he was going to kill me. But yeah, you're right, I should have said, "could you just excuse me a minute..." and got up and knocked on your door while he lay in my bed waiting. Pr*ck.

"Why didn't you come and get us?" Because some numb n*t was lying on top of me making me do unspeakable things with his kn*b and I was frightened he was going to kill me.

"Why didn't you scream?" Because some numb n*t was lying on top of me making me......You get the picture.

"Well you did let him sleep on the floor of your room." I'm sorry, where is it written that sleeping on the floor of someone's room entitles them to get into your bed in the middle of the night, and r*pe you?????????? Pr*ck.

"You are such a selfish b*tch, you think you have the monopoly on feeling bad don't you. Chr*st other people have had sh*t happen to them too." No I don't think I have a monoploy on pain. I don't think I am selfish. I think some ar*ehole raped me and that I am sad and angry about that, pr*ck.

"Don't be someone who doesn't get over things." Yeah, cos I love feeling like this and want to continue feeling like this forever, pr*ck.

"How do you think I feel lying there, and you just decide you want to stop?" My soon to be ex-boyfriend this morning in bed after I couldn't continue sex cos of having flashbacks. Er, I don't know how you feel, I'm too busy reliving the horror of feeling like I am dying as I remember being abused at 4 years old. But yeah, clearly i must do better to make sure you're ok, (not).

"You are too sensitive". Words fail me with this one.

Surprisingly , I haven't told many people what happened to me. These delightful comments are from a small and select few that I told the bare minimum details to. It makes you want to weep doesn't it...

Edited by Freyaflower
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  • 2 weeks later...

mmmm good thread ...

my worse initally (when my supervisors new something had happened):

"it's important we look after both parties, I have seen XXXXXX XXXXX and helped him come to terms with whats going on what he may be facing. Dealing with it and his wife, fiancially etc ....(la did dah .... from a Padre (Priest), I unfortuately believed it was all my fault anyway ... and said I didn't want to cause him any pain)

but the one that really gets to me is from a supervisor more recently ......

"(my reactions .... freezing, being tearful and reacting to touch .. close contact) is un officer like behaviour .... just not good enough" ........ mmmmmmmm

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opppsssssssss forgot one:

"Don't consider this as a failure, ur just not capable of being an officer, An officer needs to be together all the time, certainly not going to tears ... or reacting as a freak when ever the XXX is around".

mmmmmmmmm

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I had someone tell me to stop talking about it with my husband because it will destroy my marriage. I was silent about it three years before I told my husband (it happened during my marriage). That certainly did not help my marriage. If I would not have kept my mouth shut then I could have pressed charges against my perp.

When I confronted my perp through email as to why he performed a**l sex on me without my consent his response was: "I thought that you would enjoy it". :angry: How could I "enjoy" it when it was something I never did before, it hurt like hell and it was something I would not have consented to? The worst is he does not consider it rape and calls me a liar. When I told him that I was depressed he said it was because "I lie". WTF! He cannot accept responsibilty for anything! :hammer:

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:triggering: :triggering: :triggering: :triggering: :triggering:

umm ahh The first comment that comes into my head came from my delightful mother after she walked in on my stepfather molesting me. " you wernt abused you were having a relationship with him. You were trying to take my place"Yeah mum I just LOOOOOVE having a 180kg 6ft5 man on top of me shoving his smelly c**k in my mouth at 13 yrs old. :ill: urghI can still smell him. I feel realy sick now.

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My older sister told me during one particularly hard day"

"Get over it. It's done"

Umm, excuse me? It may be done for you, he never raped you. But it will never be over for me.

Or after I finally got the courage to speak up after 7 years of abuse, when my mother thought I needed to talk to the priest.

The priest asked me,

"Well, did you ever parade around naked in front of your brother to provoke him?"

First of all, I was 11. NO i didnt. Second of all, even if I did, it doesn't give him the right to molest, rape and beat me.

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I just got the "get over it" from my sister...People can be so stupid..

My response,

"Well why don't you get over it that I'm not over it?"

Edited by AmyLyn
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This morning from my fiancee:

him:I know you havent been well but will you put a smile on your face its been realy depressing around here lately

me: burst into tears and run to my room :duh:

what I wanted to say: well im sorry I inconvenienced you. try living in my head for 10 minutes and i bet you would be depressed too. I will just put my mask back on so it doesnt hurt your feelings shall I.... :cry:

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Oh honey. :console: Remember, do what you have to do to take care of YOURSELF, no matter what!

**I'm praying that if/when I tell Adam what happened to me, something as stupid as these comments doesn't come out of his mouth. I really hope he's worth it.**

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