Vera

Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

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Vera you made me smile. You addressed one of my pet peeves...people who are so high up that they forget about the rest of the world...

My pet peeve is when people say "get over it." That drives me crazy....mostly b/c the people who say it. are the ones that break a nail and go into mourning.

This is a great topic....and it's true...somepeople would be better off setting with their mouths shut!

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I have a friend who was very sympathetic when he found out about my assault, but he kept saying the man "manipulated" me. He just kept saying "manipulate," and it really annoyed me, and finally I just said "No, he forced me! It was force!" I think he got the message. :P

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Let's stop playing games

:angry: Yeah, that's what I think this is...one big game...I love being hurt and my idea of fun is making this crap up? Why the hell would I "play around" with this stuff. Games are fun...this is not fun. This hurts

Get over it

:angry: Yeah...let me put that on my list of things to do!

Are you sure? :ranting: :punch::hmm::protest:

What the f*ck. Are you kidding me, I trusted you enough to tell you and all you can say is "are you sure?" :duh:

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Let's stop playing games

:angry: Yeah, that's what I think this is...one big game...I love being hurt and my idea of fun is making this crap up? Why the hell would I "play around" with this stuff. Games are fun...this is not fun. This hurts

Get over it

:angry: Yeah...let me put that on my list of things to do!

Are you sure? :ranting::punch: :hmm::protest:

What the f*ck. Are you kidding me, I trusted you enough to tell you and all you can say is "are you sure?" :duh:

That is so horrible! I would've hit those people!(not really but...) :ranting::ranting::ranting:

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A "friend" of mine wrote and email to someone else that I later found out about saying that I:

"Like to play the victim" I didn't ask for him to force himself on me!

Someone else said kiddingly to me (just didn't think before he spoke)

"Once you go black you never go back" Exuse me?!

I have also heard one that many people have been told:

"Are you sure that happened?" No you poop head, those bruises came from the bruise fairy.

I guess some people don't think before they talk.

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A "friend" of mine wrote and email to someone else that I later found out about saying that I:

"Like to play the victim" I didn't ask for him to force himself on me!

Someone else said kiddingly to me (just didn't think before he spoke)

"Once you go black you never go back" Exuse me?!

I have also heard one that many people have been told:

"Are you sure that happened?" No you poop head, those bruises came from the bruise fairy.

I guess some people don't think before they talk.

Or from my cousin (again, she truly was a great support) when she wanted me to go out with him again because she wanted to go out with his best friend...

It's not like he hurt you or anything....

Really I wonder why I cry myself to sleep every night then?

Truly people are stupid and often times self centered if your pain gets in their way then they try and minimize it or make it not real...

I am sorry for the things that were said to you and of course they were not true and were not right.

Sara

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that was vey interesting to read vera. and it put a smile of my face. its so infuriating when close ones/friends say all the things you listed....just like i think WHY???? lol. espcially like "no offence but..." and of course you take offence with what they're about to say. xxxx

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Hello,

I'm new to this site as of yesterday and am thankful to know I am not the only one who feels this way. I was raped in 10/99 and kidnapped/sexually assaulted in May of this year. I never really opened up about because when I did it made it worse than before. There is a lack of compassion people have when they never experienced what we have been through both mentally and physically. The majority of males probably never will. There is a preconceived notion that we must have done something to "deserve it." In recent I have been blind-sided by that word "INVALIDATION. " My boyfriend fails to comprehend why I feel this way and what stimulates certain behavior. I hear comments as such, keep in mind, from someone that loves me:

"This is really an inconvenient time for me to be dealing with this."

As if it's a choice for me. I live with this and hate the way I feel.

"I think you have an attention-seeking personality disorder."

Believe me I could think of better ways of getting your attention and this is certainly not it!

"Your behavior is absurd, you can't do anything you say your going to do."

Such a lack of compassion with no interest in educating himself in this area of mental health. They don't realize how debilitating it can be.

:angry:

Edited by midwest girl

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I haven't told anyone really so nobodies had a chance to say any of these idiotic things to me but I think these statements are some of the biggest reasons we don't tell people even as we get older and know that the abusers/abuser can't hurt us anymore.

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The things people can say and do to each other is just disgusting and unbelievable. The lack of empathy in this world infuriates me! Here are a few of my own.

My (now ex) boyfriend after I told him: "you cheated on me?" "I put my heart out there and I got burned"

WAIT, I DIDN'T WANT TO, how is that cheating on you? how is that "burning" you?

The counselor I went to the day after it happened: "I think this is the start of new life for you and a better relationship with your parents." WHAT?!?! let's not focus on the pain but instead focus on how this can improve my relationship with my parents.

:hug: to all who've been invalidated! Just remember that those who invalidate are ignorated sh*theads!

~Sarah~

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*TRIGGER for anger and swearing*

:triggering::triggering::triggering:

I HATE HATE HATE the "I would have..." comments. Sure, that's what you think now, but it's VERY different when you're in that situation.

Also, from the rape when I was 7, I have gotten two:

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" - don't you think that's obvious? I was 7, he was my step-father, and he threatened me. What else was I going to do?

and one as*hole in a chatroom asked "Did you like it?" - FOR FUCKS SAKE, I WAS 7, MORON!!!

Sorry, thanks for letting me get that off my chest. :P

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From a counselor - You are lucky you are still alive, aren't pregnant or have an STD. You shouldn't feel so bad, many have had it worse than you...etc.

At the time I totally believed her, quit counselling and just felt guilty for feeling bad...now I know she was an ass and should have her license pulled, but it still hurts.

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"get over it" "how"?

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:triggering:

From my school counseler:

"Now, what exactly did he do?"

...Wtf? I told you he raped me, what else do you need to know? :hammer:

Edited by AmyLyn

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"why didn't you scream or kick him or something?",

I hate that one..that is one I've gotten from some people. Hello my body totally shut down. :duh:

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My friend, after the first time: "Why didn't you fight him? I would have fought him." "It's not that easy when you're actually in that position". "I would never be in that position, I wouldn't let it happen". Arrrgh, yes because I clearly LET IT happen, I clearly wanted it.

Same friend after the second time: "I don't understand. If it was r*pe, you would go to the police". Yes, just because I'm so incredibly ashamed and hurt and I don't want to go over it all again, I'm clearly making it all up.

Three guesses why I'm not talking to her about it ever again.

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Vera, great topic! While I've had my share of idiots in my life since the assualt, I do thank God for the few who get it right, or atleast come close!

Since there was no penetration I was told, "well, obviously he had self-control b/c he didn't rape you"

and, "since it wasn't rape I didn't think I needed to call you right away, I just had to much I was dealing with" - this was from a good friend of mine who was the roommate to the 1st person I told the night it happened

I also had a counselor tell me, "wow it sounds like he got a lot of mixed messages" - this was after my 1st counseling session in which I was telling her that I was really confused about what was happening while it was happening, since it was a guy I had been interested in I couldn't sort out that it was assault during it, I thought it was, but I didn't believe myself - ya, know?

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Nothing anyone has ever said to me (and like you all, there have been plenty of stupid remarks) can compare to what the perpetrator said as he was zipping up his pants and casually walking away.... "Don't worry, I've been tested for AIDS."

The only one that even comes close to that was from a therapist I had been seeing for 2 years who said to me, "You must be enjoying playing the victim, because you're choosing not to move past this."

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Nothing anyone has ever said to me (and like you all, there have been plenty of stupid remarks) can compare to what the perpetrator said as he was zipping up his pants and casually walking away.... "Don't worry, I've been tested for AIDS."

I'm so sorry, that's awful. It was said to me as well. :console:

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Here are a couple from the first person i told... My boyfriend at the time.

"well, there were plenty of points in that story where you couldve gotten away. Unless you were ok with it..."

-first of all... STORY!??? and second of all, who would be OK with it? come on....

"Come on it was four years ago... you should be able to tell the entire story by now"

-correct me if im wrong, but youve never been through it.

Heres one from my best friend when i saw him for the first time after that. She was with me.

"Is he the guy you had sex with? Hes cute for an older guy"

-COME ON!!!!!! He RAPED me... we didnt have sex, and how could you possibly say hes cute when anytime i see or think about him i wanna throw up

Edited by marie_rose

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My worst is the: "You still think about that?" - becuase htey have moved on and forgotten about what happened to you these "friends" assume you should forget too. Sad....

Glad I found this place - helps me a lot!!

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"You still think about that?"

And people wonder why it takes so long for us to speak up!

:hug:

Edited by AmyLyn

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I must sound be a bit invalidating too sometimes. I get so excited to find someone that understands me and I start sharing. But I imagine it could sound like a pissing match-like I’m trying to one up her-but I’m not intentionally. I’m just trying to relate. I’ve never been really good at , “I am so sorry that happened" and just leaving it that way. This thread is helping me to look at the ways I communicate with other survivors.

Here’s a few said to me:

Mom: “Next time, if you have any questions about sex, just ask me.” Is there going to be a next time? Is that what happened, I had questions about sex and then went to this adult and ask him to show me how to do it? Is that what happened? I just went to the wrong person?

Or

Mom again: “You’re far too sensitive. Why don’t you just forgive and forget.” That’s the last time I try to talk to you about anything important to me.

:tear: Tears

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Good point Vera!

This is my first post.

Some people have come out with amazing stuff. And the problem is because i was brought up without any boundries i have no idea that these people are being crap untill later, when i think about it, and know that i felt sick when they said that for a reason. i hate this delayed reaction bullshit - why cant i just get angry and tell them to piss off streight away???

So, here are mine:

1 i dont know about dating you now....you seem tainted to me. (present boyfriend)

2 laughter (this man later raped me repeatedly during our relationship, but i didnt realise it was rape because he was my boyfriend)

3 you obviously didnt fight enough - it was your fault. (friend who still seemed skeptikal even when i told her he was strangling me at the time)

4 maybe it used to be normal along time ago. (a friend being anthropological re insest)

5 its because of your aura - you have a do-with-me-what-you-will vibe. (a male friend on crack pointing a knife at me at the time - ok my fault for knowing such people)

6 god - you are like princess Diana - so melodramatic. (my stepmother)

7 i only did it because your mother wasnt sleeping with me. (my father)

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