Vera

Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

760 posts in this topic

((((Lindy)))))

With an attitude like that it's great that she is no longer with the Special Victims Unit. :angry: You're victimized enough by your perps you don't have to be again by someone who is suppose to be a supporter or atleast used to be.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that, but I am proud of you for standing your ground and saying it no matter the consequences even as harsh and hurful as most are.

:hug: :hug: :console:

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I got another one today, from my dad. I think he meant well but if he did, it came out completely wrong.

He told me that if I file a police report that I have to tell him what happened and if I can't say it, I have to write it down! He said it was because the guys parents will get involved and if they call here he has to know what he's defending.

Isn't just knowing he abused me enough to defend me????

Edited by defyodds

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I am sorry your dad has put this ultimatum up for you, it's awful! You were victimized enough by your rapist you don't need anybody including your Father telling you that you must tell your story to them. Telling what happend is your choice and yours only. To have that said to you is extremely unsupportive as well as very invalidating.

Your Father is defending his daughter, that honestly should be enough.

:bighug: :bighug:

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Some of the more recent things that have been said to me are:

From my "best friend"

"This could turn out to be a good thing, you need to learn your lesson and move on."

... I didn't know what to say.

From my aunt

"Can't you just stop thinking about it?"

If only...

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This is probably one that comes up a lot, but my friend said to me the other day:

'it's in the past, stop letting it haunt you and move on'

Like.....if only i could stop letting it haunt me i would...i know its in the past, but its still part of me ~ a huge huge part.... maybe i am letting it haunt me too much, maybe im too weak...i really don't know.

i just know that comments like that make me think that i should just move on regardless of how unhappy i am. its a total catch 22, i move on and im unhappy, i stay where i am and im also unhappy...im not sure what to do.

Dawn

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'it's in the past, stop letting it haunt you and move on'

dawn, i've had this one or a similar one to this many times. and i agree w/ you 100%. do people actually think we enjoy the nightmares, the flashbacks, the paranoia? do we really not want to move on? give me a break! i hate the "move on" statements! :hammer:

and lindy... i know how frustrating and hurtful it can be to be given the silent response. i used to tiptoe around the subject because i was afraid of getting the silent response as if i had done something wrong. but now, i say it loud and clear when discussing the topic and if someone is uncomfortable with the fact that i was abused and raped... well, so be it. i'm not going to be silenced by other people or their stigmas around what happened to me. it happened, i survived and i'm not embarrassed or uncomfortable in talking about it. i think you handle yourself well!

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The most damaging I've been subjected to was that my pain was not that bad. That I was just seeking attention. It's made it very hard for me to open up now about anything I'm feeling. I've been beating myself up lately for feeling this way.

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From my grandmother, in response to my statement that I didn't want to invite my cousins who abused me to my wedding:

"Kids just do those things sometimes, and I don't think it's that's big of a deal."

Also, from a "friend" of 10+ years, when I was really upset and tried to confide in him:

"Geez... calm down. I have to get going. *click*"

People are so sensitive.

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:hug: (((((Golden))))) :hug:

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These are things that were said to me and below then is what I was thinking not what I said. Mostly I said nothing.

"Your sister is the inocent one"

Thanks for that one mum I was 13

"I know why your scared"

WTF? No. No you don't and you have it completely wrong

"I love you but I don't like you right now"

Thankx again mum

"You should have said something I would have done something"

Sorry I thought screaming till the cops came was good enough

"Do you really think you need to keep seeing Chris (psych)"

Yes yes yes yes yes

"I wish I never had a daughter"

Ouch even when she recanted this one hurt

"I never thought you were that thin, I didn't understand why everyone made such a fuss"

Uncle. I was 26kg but hey I guess I was fat then too.

"Did he have sex with you?"

umm hello that is what I meant when I said rape

"There is always someone worse off"

WTF? I really don't care because I am still hurting.

"Are you telling the truth"

No I though it would be funny to make up such a story. Yes I'm telling the truth.

"Can you watch the kids with the blender"

I was in a kid psych ward for cutting. Yeah sure leave me to take care of the sharp blades.

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I have often thought about the power of words.

I read a wonderful novel by the Pagan author Starhawk who first introduced me to the idea of ghosts. One of the characters in the book frequently consulted with her dead friend. Later I learned about Día de los Muertos (Day of the dead), where relatives of the departed create shrines to them to entice the departed to return and celebrate with the family. Roky Erikson wrote a song named "If You Have Ghosts" where he writes, "if you have ghosts, then you have everything".

It is important to understand the power or words. Words are magical. You can test this out by seeing someone in the morning and saying how nice they look. It's likely they will be happy to hear this. The opposite affect can be had by saying something negative. It's important to consider our words carefully and choose them wisely. They last forever which is why I mention ghosts. The ghost of a loved one especially can last forever. Have you ever found yourself asking what someone you once new would tell you in certain situations?

Tread lightly :)

Edited by JimBee

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My mother:

her: "I knew it, I always knew it. It was your father, wasn't it? Oh, I just knew it. Or... was it someone else in the family?"

me: All I could do was stare at her. Speechless. Completely and utterly SPEECHLESS. :drop:

her: "This is just so upsetting for me because I always wanted your first love-making experience to be positive."

me: "...what? wait - WHAT?!?! Mom! I was raped, he raped me. It had nothing to do with sex. It was violent, it was a crime, it wasn't sex!" :duh:

*sigh* :rain:

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I totally agree, it doesn't matter if we are hygenically correct or not we are still at risk. You think I was as pretty as a princess when my step-father raped me back in 1991? I think not. I was far from it. It was the mind of a pedophile that put his hands on me and no other way.

Haullie

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I can so relate to most of these coments: MAY TRIGGER!!

My mother after I had told her about some random guy pulling his stuff out in the k-mart parking lot and asking me "wanna play" while pl;aying with it. I was 14 mind you I ran to a police officer who went looking for him.

"will if you werent dressed like a tramp" I was wearing a purple t-shirt and capris. I begged the cop not to tell her but he had to.

"you are fine, I would have raped you too if I was a jerk" One of my close male friends

Your not a jerk your an as*hole-

"If I was raped after they were finished i would have said "how do You feel not that you have HIV"

I didn't give a responce. too ignorent of a comment :hammer::hammer:

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Another one I had was when talking to my boyfriend at the time about my abuse:

"Why is it that all the girls I like have been raped or molested?"

I guess you just know how to choose them you complete JERK!!

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Hopefully this will not trigger but if you're feeling at all fragile, then keep yourself safe, as always... that's the most important thing...

========trigger spacing============

~~~~~more trigger spacing~~~~~~~~~~~

When I read these messages I find myself asking, "why do they think they want a relationship with these people???" I mean, these are your friends and family, who are supposed to love you!!! For crying out loud, you don't treat people you love like that, do you? Do you kick your family dog or kitten, too? I'd be willing to be they get treated better than those you are supposed to be showing your love to by criticizing, questioning, and disbelieving. This is not love, this is torture, abuse and accusations! Most would treat a common stranger on the street better than that. Maybe we're giving our familes the wrong messages? Maybe we should be asking them to treat us like strangers. Better yet, let's all ship them to an island somewehre in the North Atlantic where the climates are a little more appropriate for this kind of barren, unskilled and unnurturing atmosphere.

So, for each of you I want you to do this one thing for me. Look in the mirror this morning, put on your nicest smile and say, "Good morning, Meg. I'm glad to see you today." Then keep that smile handy and use it liberally throughout the day. It is my gift to you, to use it as you see fit. Watching a small child play with a brother or sister, or a young mother holding her baby closely, or an older woman searching the bottom of her purse for whatever it was that she wantd but she's forgotten it by now. For all those moments in our lives when we just know a smile would feel good right now. I'll be willing to bet the smile you get in return will be genuine. Those are the best kinds. One of the things I love about smiles... is one size fits all!

Happy Friday, everyone!!! I know of one person who's glad you have joined the forum. (gentle smile)

:hug:

:outahere:

Meg

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probably totally missing the point of your post here, Meg, but could my husband be the first on the boat to the North Atlantic??

Sorry I am not doing any of this very well at the moment

Karen

Edited by dodo

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my mum is for ever saying to me " it ( the SA ) is in the past you just need to try and get on with it now " if only we could eh !

:hammer:

a close friend of mine told me 2 days ago i was depressed because i wanted to be and should just and snap out of it . if only we could eh!

:hammer:

they are always saying you need to get out more ,you need to do something for yourself to take your mind off th SA and the RAPE .

IF only it were so easy to do none of us would be here writing this now eh! :hammer:

sending all survivers :hug: take care x

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My Aunt just told me this one the other day. " He probably did it to you because all his friends were doing it." Oh yeah of course all my brothers friends are Raping and sexually abusing their sisters. :hammer:

I loved when my mom would tell me "You always did live in a Fantasy World" Oh yeah that was my ultimate fantasy to let my Brother have his way with me and then have the Sh#t beaten out of me when I tried to stop him.

Or when dear old Mom said " Your only bringing this up again to get attention"

" Don't ever tell the guy your datingor your husband because he'll think your

damaged goods."

" The only way your going to heal is to forgive him then forget about it"

When she told me her therapist told her. That what happened to me was between my brother & me and that she didn't have anything to do with it. So I should leave her alone about it.

Like she wasn't our mother, she suppose to protect us. Weren't we just kids. Like she should have maybe payed a little more attention to us sometimes. Or maybe reacted diffrently when I did telll her.

People are unbelievable in their ignorance. :ranting:

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"He could rape me anyday, he's hot" - a so called friend.

i've been told by a couple of people to put being raped out of my mind/get over it, and asked the ridiculous 'didnt you try to stop him' questions way too many times.

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From my mother about the abuse or just as a I told her about the abuse

"Are you sure you weren't just dreaming this?"

"You're just doing this for attention" Yeah, mom, everyone loves to get this kind of attention.

"You feel sorry for yourself, that's all"

Later in life I confronted her again- after I was married and on my own. She said, "Well didn't he put you through private school?" I was like "Mom, if you think that gives him the right to try to have sex with me then you're crazier than I think you are" :cry:

"Did he brush against you on accident and you're trying to make it out as abuse" Ummm, no mom.

My stepmother-whose son is a molestor and whose father was a molestor also (didn't abuse her though)- "Well, things like this happen and perhaps it's time for you to move on"

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eh...

I've had to many

all off mates includeing...

"If he'd touched me like that, I wouldn't have been botherd, its no big deal" after i told my friend after it happened that it wasnt just upper body........

"I dont hang around with people who would rape me" yes because i knew he would do that to me....

"maybe you should have drank less" he spiked my drink thanks...

"Well you didnt exactly say no to him did you" me..."I was almost unconcious" him " you still could have said no, if you didnt say no how was he meant to know"

"he didnt ejaculate inside you, therefore he didnt have sex with you"....ha thanks for that usefull peace of knowlege...hmm...

"I just wouldnt let myself get raped"

"in todays society saying no just isnt good enough on its own"

and all the typical get over its and stuff

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probably totally missing the point of your post here, Meg, but could my husband be the first on the boat to the North Atlantic??

Sorry I am not doing any of this very well at the moment

Karen

Do they offer two-fers? I'm volunteering mine... I hope it gets better for you Karen.

Ashleigh

Edited by Horses4Healing

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When i was abused a close friend of mine was in the next room, but she didnt di anything to stop it, she tried to convince me that the guy was my ex (haha)... the next day she asked me and how was it? i was horrified, when i told her i didnt want to do anything with him, she said yeah right... a few days later a told her what really happenend, she said nothing. and in the evening said " i dont understand why somsone would not want to have sex" till this day she still does not believe me

when i old my brother, he said , well look at the broght side, it could have been worse...(sure i could have lost all my teeth and been left oin the highway, thats not the point)

an other friend ( who was my last resort) said when i started telling: i dont wanna hear about it, :unsure:

the few other people i talked to about it just didnt react and one therapist gave me this poor kitten look

gross

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What a great way to vent... good idea, vera.

Stupid things said to me...

"So since you had sex at such a young age, did it hurt the first time when you got older?"

Like it didn't hurt the first time it was forced upon me?!?!?

"How could she remember something like that?" said by my mother when my middle school guidance counselor disclosed the abuse

Like it was just some typical event that took place between niece and uncle... just another day of babysitting that any "normal" child would forget as time passes... what in the h*ll was she thinking?!?!

"Did you ever orgasm (from the abuse)?"

As if we don't carry enough shame!!!! Especially when our abusers DID manage to sexually arouse us... like I'm going to give you every detail like it was a raunchy romance novel story... I was never more taken aback or disgusted when asked that.

When finally I was able to confide in someone she asked if I had ever orgasm during the abuse......after my reply she said' Well it wasnt all bad then?' !!? :angry:

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