Vera

Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

760 posts in this topic

My Mother who still says that my abuse NEVER happened was trying to convince me of that, I have very little memory of my abuse and I don't know exactly where or who and she says it couldn't have happened then she said:

"I just don't see how it's possible, unless it happened at someone else's house and you enjoyed it so much you kept going back for more"

I hung up the phone, I thought I would die.

I had a friend that I told about my abuse......the first (and only) I've told since I moved here.

She said

"well, my father raped me for 3 years and I made peace with him and my mother who never left him, so i don't know what your problem is"

I find it hard to beleive that is true........if she was abused, she'd know how it feels

:throb: Ellaneese

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When I worked as a receptionist in a spa the owner knew and said

"well you are responsible just as him...I mean you were drinking so you were the happy party in it too..."

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An ex-friend of mine emailed this to me, "Girls/Women should just know that they can't go and do things that guys can do... I mean it's not all the mans fault if he rapes a woman that's drunk in his appt with him! Women have to learn that they can't get away with teasing men."

This was me when I read this---> :drop: ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!!!!!!!

So I wrote back to this person, "So just because I'm a girl I shouldn't be entitled to the same rights to safety and freedom as you?! Why is it that you can do what the hell you want to do and not fear me, but I can't do the same as you without fearing you?...cause you're a guy?! I'm human just like you, no better, no worse, I'm equal, just like you!" --->Now that I think about that last line I think maybe I was wrong... I don't see myself as equal to him... I would never put myself on that low of a level to be equal to him. :ranting::ranting::ranting:

:hammer::ranting: Tracy

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Tracy

You are right you are not at the same level with him....YOU ARE BETTER THAN HIM.... Oh and so sorry to your friend...lord forbid they be accountable for their actions when they are drunk...It is NEVER anybody's fault if they are Raped.

Sorry But what an ignornant PIG! You're right Tracy You're not PIG you are MUCH better then him.. :hug:

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About my CSA

-"Well it didn't matter if you were six, you just laid there and let him feel, what is wrong with you?"

-"Something is terribly wrong with you, what do you mean you were scared and confused and you didn't know what he was doing." (Like all six year olds are just scholars on oral sex and masturbation)

About my first r*pe

-"Well, why did you date someone older and bigger than you anyway" (What the hell was that supposed to mean)

-"You wore a skirt so you obviously wanted some, why didn't you just take advantage of the opportunity and enjoy the sh*t." (What the f*ck is wrong with people,:ranting: are you f*cking nuts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :ranting: You've gotta be f*cking kidding me!!!!!!!!:ranting:)

About my second r*pe

-"You act like he was actually going to shoot you, get real, you were scared for nothing." (F*ck outta here, like I was just supposed to be like, oh he just has a gun to make me feel better)

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I am so appalled by some of these comments mostly b/c i've endured some of my own.

From a couple of ex-friends on my rape by a guy I was dating:

You can't get raped by your boyfriend. (Funny, b/c I did!)

I think you are just feeling guilty about having sex. (Though I am a recovering Catholic, I was never brought up to feel guilty about sex. Perhaps I was raped and someone else should be feeling guilty. Just a thought.)

From some adults who got word of my molestation by the priest:

He's a priest. He's celibate. (Well, he was supposed to be, but I wasn't the first or the last, my friends.)

Priests don't molest girls (Oh, ok... so we would feel more upset and angry if I were a boy. That's just ridiculous!)

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I told my friend, a woman who is a survivor of child sexual abuse, that I was raped and she said,

"Well was it just like date rape or something like that?"

:hammer: WTF does it matter? RAPE IS RAPE! I have struggled with not feeling like my attack was bad enough from the beginning, and this really didn't help!

My mother, when I told her, said questioningly,

"Okay, well why don't you tell me exactly what happened."

:hammer: I suppose she wanted to hear my story and decide for herself if it was in fact rape.

Nicole :throb:

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I mostly get "you think your experience was bad? there are kids in third world countries who are molested and worse everyday, who are starving who have aids. Now do you think what happened to you is that bad?"

And with a couple I used to work for. I was close friends with them before working for them as their children's nanny.I told them a year ago this week because Cathy was telling people at my old high school (where she works) how weird I am,how nervous I am around her husband and how absolutely weird I am.They have stopped speaking to me and they've told me they no longer want their children around me. :angry::cry:

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The second person I ever told was my biological sister. Who was adotped with me as well. Her reply was "Well you just can't blame him for what happened" What the f*ck, I thought her and I were super close. I didn't say anything. I just stood there and cried. And she walked away. How ignorant and stupid and mean and cruel can people be.

Lindsay

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I think the worst one for me was when I went to the college psychologist (I was made to see her this spring because I had some SI/suicide stuff going on in early February) and I had just been sexually assaulted on the subway. She said "Well, I told you to never go out alone. See what happens to you when you do that?" First off, its one thing to go out alone at midnight and ride the subway, but its totally different when its around 11 am and there are tons of people around. And the last time I checked, psychologists are supposed to help you, not make the situation worse!!!!!

Lindsay

Lindsay,

This reminds me of what you said regarding the Bystander effect. When there were so many witnesses to what happened to you and no one did a damn thing to help. There were a lot of people around, that's like saying you're not allowed to have a life. Safety of course is an issue but who's to say what is safe and what is not. Everyone is at risk of being assaulted at any time, unless their standing up in front of a presedential debate, come on!

Love, Haullie

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Not long after I told a friend of mine: "I'm going to go hang out with Kyle and some of his friends tomorrow, want to come?"

"No, I don't ever want to see Kyle again."

"Why do you hate him so much?"

"I told you this just a couple weeks ago!"

"Oh, yeah. Well, you're missing out. It's gonna be fun!"

Then, the next day, she and I were walking through the park, and she points to some sidewalk chalk drawings.

"See, we had a blast. Look, Kyle drew that one, isn't it great?!?"

It was the same picture he drew in my yearbook before we stopped talking. :(

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my mom:

If you hadn't been drinking it wouldn't have happened.

um. well. considering that coffee and water can be spiked and I drink those every day, i better stop, right?

one of his "friends" in email:

It's not that I don't believe you, i just don't think he's capable of it.

if you don't think he's capable of it, when i'm telling you, it means you don't believe me. idiot.

melissa

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I think sometimes it's worse to be invalidated by someone who really does care about you and isn't trying to be horrible.

One of my best friends was like this. She said - very well-meaningly - but oh how it hurt:

It was 7 years ago J, you need to get over it now.... Please Jac, do we have to talk about it, you're making me feel really upset and uncomfortable.

It wasn't meant to invalidate, I don't think, but she couldn't deal with it either, so wanted to forget I'd told her.

If it was that upsetting for HER - did she not think that I would be ten times worse?

It doesn't matter how long ago it was - my brain blocked it until a few months ago so it feels like it's very recent past - not 7 years ago! And even if I'd been dealing with this for 7 years, maybe I still wouldn't be able to deal with it.

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There are so many brain dead and damaged things that people say that go so far beyond insensitive. I remember I was sitting with some guy "friends" and they were talking about this case of date rape that was splashed all over the front page. One of my "friends" decided he would illustrate how it is impossible to rape a woman who is struggling and fighting as this person said she was. He spun a glass bottle and challenged any of my other "friends" to put a pencil through the neck. Well, this was the funniest things these morons had ever heard. In my head I took up his challenge, I grabbed a sledge hammer, smashed the bottle and when it was still and no longer resembling its former self I slipped the pencil through the neck.

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I've been thinking about this all day and more and more moronic comments keep coming to mind.

-so you had bad sex, get over it.

-if it was really rape, why didn't you tell anyone?

-what did you think would happen?

-why did you go out with him?

My favorite though has got to be what my father would say to any boy courageous enough to set foot near my house.

"So, are you planning on having sex with my daughter?" If they said no he would call them a liar, if they said yes he would commend their honesty. My rapist said yes.

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This was a really godd idea...it's good to get these off my mind.

My best friend when i saw my attacker : "Your crazy, that proabably wasn't him" and then "It's no big deal, just forget about it" Jeez to bad i hadn't thought of that, i only wish i could just forget about it...and as if i already don't feel craxy enough.

My best Friend after i finished my LAST seesion with my T: When i called and asked to talk "sorry i am eating pizza right now...oh by the way guess what ...then she just started asking me advice on what to say to the a guy that liked her! She had time to talk about her life tho...

Then just when i thought she was starting to understand she began talking about getting raped and how she would let it happen cuz it's no big deal :angry: Not sure shat happened to the girl i thought would always be there for me...??

Thanks for the opputunity to share...

Forever Lost

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I got a lot of these :(

a guy who I *thought* was a good friend of mine

"Yes it's partly your fault, you have to accept that" WTF ok I just told you this story that has left me in tears and saying how I think its my fault and you CONFIRM IT! :ranting::hammer: But its okay because my ex-friend still wanted to cheat on his ex with me. :hammer::hammer:

When mutual friends were still friends with him

"He's like a brother to me, I just can't not be friends with him"

"Well he never did anything to me..."

from the head counselor at my school

"Do you mind telling me exactly what he did"

because saying he abused me just isn't good enough...

when my friend and I went back (my abuser had shoved his hand down my friends shirt in school) and we asked what he did to the guy

"Well *short annoying breath* I told him he *same stupid thing* could get in a lot of trouble for doing that"

Could!?!? I understand he couldn't do anything for me but according to the rules he was supposed to be suspended for what he did to my friend

when I told my school counselor

"It seems like telling the story brings back bad feelings, just try and forget about it"

Oh believe me if I could, I would

I'm including this next one because looks can say a thousand words

After I would say he abused me I would be asked if it was r*pe. When I said no, I got that look of "oh then who cares"

When I told my psych professor, whose full time job is a counselor

(we had a research paper on kinsey's sexual behavior studies)

"I don't really know what to say which is why I haven't been responding to your emails." If you don't know what to say then doesn't that mean you can't justify your action?

Parts of his emails:

"The paper was dealing with his research methods so I do not see why you could not write it. If you had contacted me earlier I could have changed the assignment a little but since you contacted me the day it was due..." Sorry I didn't want my professor to know about this.

"I suggest you do not do the paper since it's past the due date anyways and just make sure you get all the assignments done" Sorry I had a little breakdown because of my abuse and then couldn't write the paper, but thanks for understanding and giving me a zero.

And the best one:

"She [my old roommate] moved out because you had away messages about cutting..."

a)it was once and b)I had said how I was scared because I was tempted to

"You got so depressed and you didn't do anything but eat and sleep. It wasn't fun to be around you anymore, all you seemed to do was complain."

My mistake, I thought you were my friend. My bad, I understand that you want to ditch me when I'm going through hard times...

:ranting::hammer:

Edited by defyodds

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When I asked for some space to deal with some difficult issues, somebody did the opposite, and invaded my space... Calling from the house to my cell to emails and yahoo messenger....Then it was all about how they needed to speak with me on these issues, that really wasnt their business....and only because they had things to do and they felt this was "holding them up..."

meh, some friend. If you can't even understand that I need some space then you aren't even going to understand what I am going through.

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how 'bout this one?....i just got this as an anonymous reply in my livejournal to my entry about the last time i was raped...needless to say, i've got SEVERAL answers to it! (i deleted the anonymous comment :greet: )

"Should've said no. Simple as."

oh really? is THAT what i should've done?

well, geewhizz....i woulda NEVER thought of that one!

well, i WOULD'VE, but it's kinda hard to make your mouth work when you're PARALYZED WITH FEAR!

i tried to, dumbass, but you try being raped and having a flashback at the same time and let's see if YOU can get your mouth to say NO!

i hate stupid people. :duh:

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I must say I am guilty of being the one to in-validate.

I am so ashamed of myself. I did not realise I had been doing it at the time, but that didn't matter. I am a survivor and I should have known better. It only told me that I had to work on some issues in my life because I stuck my nose where it did not belong and pushed too hard, in the midst I actually tangled myself up in a web that I created without even knowing it. I drove some people away in my life though I do not blame them. You just can't dis-respect people needs, and if you realize you're doing it whether it be now or later...it's best to own up to it and try to improve on the kind of person that you are. So that others can feel validated and whole again.

I know the feeling of being in-validated, I have had people in my past push too hard. So I tend to ask myself lately, how did I do what I wouldn't want for myself? The answer was simple, subconciously I may have only had my best interest at heart and that is just sad. What in the world could I be searching for so badly that would cause me to slip and be disrespectful? Clarity can only come from inside of me, I can't ask others to get me through it so that I can erase the bad patterns in life and start new positive patterns.

I've learned a huge lesson that I believe will help me be a better survivor, a better friend and a better loved one. And I'm only writing about how I feel because I believe everyone makes mistakes and learns from them, just as I did. Here's to another new beginning.

Love, Haullie

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Someone today told me : No shes just not that type of girl to let something like that happen. Im sorry do you think we let it happen?! Its not like it hurts us or anything you freak of nature!

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yea...i so know what you mean...my aunts response was..."i just cant believe you were abused, you didnt show any signs of a child who had been abused"

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Sometimes they just don't have to say anything...

Yesterday, I was talking to my colleague, who used to work for the Special Victim's Unit and he explained that he lasted only 2 months because he couldn't deal with it anymore, especially when working with children. Anyhow, the subject of court came up and I agreed with him (since I took my case to trial) and my other co-worker turns around and says "How do you know?" I said "Because I was there too. I was raped."

She turned around and walked away. That hurts.

I couldn't sleep last night thinking...gosh, why am I so stupid to tell? I always felt that telling would empower me somehow.

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I think it is awesome that you handled that the way you did, Lindy. She obviously has her own issues, her problem not yours!

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Lindy, that was awful of her. I agree with Nicole, she has issues of her own, if nothing else she has a big "insensitivity issue."

I think that the "silent reaction" can be just as hurtful as hearing a stupid comment. I try to justify most people, as I understand that they just don't know what to say. But this is only when the silence is in “good faith,” and you can distinguish. My friend J. was very silent when I told him, not because he didn't care but because he was feeling bad for me and because I reminded him of two other friends of him who had been raped too. I could see that he wanted to say something, but was too affected to speak. This is a "good faith" kind of silence. What your co-worker did, just turning around and walking away is mean and awful... no benefit of the doubt allowed :angry:

(((hugs to you))))

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