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Vera

Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

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my neighbor often says i must like it since im still with him or im as digusting as he is

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I was called worthless for 18 years.

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Just recently from my Aunt whom I'm currently living with.

In reference to being in a triggering situation at her house.

After sharing this trigger with her- my Aunt's response was:

"Oooh it couldn't have been that bad. You now see what I go through.."

My actual response: "Possibly, but your situation isn't about sexual abuse but living with an alcoholic who only drinks on the weekend. I, however, have been r*ped and look out for my safety. I'm sorry you don't fully understand how much triggers actually impact me."

Aunt: "I'm sorry your overemotional and overreacting over a little experience."

(( Can I PLEEEEEEASE beat the living sh..I mean...beat sense into her))

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INVALIDATION.....THE DENIAL FROM THOSE YOU LOVE & TRUSTED.....It is hard to hear remarks like these posted, I have heard them as well. I just do not understand the insensitivity from others. Especially the comment I got from my mother one time......there are others that have beenn thru worse then you....wth!!!! Does that make my csa & child abuse ok then?????Mine was so painful it really took so much of my life, & it is until my early 50"s that I feel strong enough to understand * try to take back my life. My father was my csa , my mother abondeoned us kids, & a cousin that raped me, where I thought I would be safe at my grandmothers chritian home....wrong.....he was like a vulture waiting for the right time & place. The terror I lived as a child everyday......untill I left home for good at 16yrs old, all the anger & hurt will always be there. I just had to finally & completely make the decision to let go of all of them & what they did to me. And now I have nothing to do with them at all...I finally realized if I wanted to take my life back I had to do it.....& mean it. And for me to feel good.....I had to leave them all out of my life for my sanity. The constant denial from my mother...& nobody stepping up to the plate to apoligize , or say I am sorry...it is still hush, hush & lets just keep this in the past..wth? That might of worked for them as the abusers, but what about me the victim? If it was so easy to do, I would of done it along time ago!!!!! Just some thoughts too !!!!!!!! Take back your life !!!!! Hugs to all ...if ok :tealribbon:

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How could any mother call their child stupid? Carry the child inside for 9 months then treat them like trash. My life, my pain. Sorry.

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When I tried to talk to me mother at first when I was 9 I got "I don't get along with that side of the family". Abuse with that abuser didn't stop until I was 10/11.

I tried talking to her at the age of 16/17. I got "You are just making yourself miserable". At the time I was having flashback making me relive the CSA daily for years infact flashbacks didn't start to lessen until I got to 28 or so. I have the 'making myself miserable' constantly repeated. I was told the abuse was over and was long ago (5 years is ancient history in her opinion) and that I'd finish my studies, meet someone get married and start a family. I couldn't even stand being in the same room alone with a male until I was 31. I also feared physical touch and am a social phobe.

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Or what about, "When you turn 18, I'll tell you how I really feel about you".

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I'll also add what was said to me when a guy got fired at work for sexual harrassment. I made the complaint which started of an inquiry it turned out I wasn't the only one with complaints. On learning of his dismissal another work colleague told me that she was worried about the guy. He has financial responsibilities to be met. I should have thought about the consequences of my actions(i e reporting him) and the effects it would have on his life. I felt like crying. She wanted me to go and beg for his job back. I had to defend myself and told her I'm not responsible for his actions he is and I was the only one who had complaints about him. What he chose to hear what that I instigated discord in the work place. :angry:

Edited by philkay

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Rejection

Non belief

2 non verbal ways of invalidation

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The second time I told my story, I was telling a friend in my dorm room. I was becoming pretty emotional and sharing really intimate parts of my r*pe. My friend interrupted and asked me if I cried while it was happening. I found that an incredibly personal question and thought any answer I gave would be perceived by my friend as some sort of mistake I had made. I just thought it was insensitive, and it hurt our relationship a lot. Was this irrational?

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Mother at one time wished I was dead...what the.

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I think the remark that most hurt me (and I had it several time, from different people and some time repeated by the same person) is:

Forget it!

How to respond to that?

Forget? It's what I had done all my childhood and part of my adulthood. Nothing good came with that.

Another remark of this kind is:

There are worst things in life.

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Mother often called me a wh*re.

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"why are you always focussing on the negative? lighten up."

well, somebody in this f*cking house has to deal with what's going on. Sorry it's so "negative". why don't you stop sexually abusing me dad and maybe i'll have some more positive things to say.

Edited by briarrosa

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Don't be so negative. If people only knew. :hammer::hammer::hammer:

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Wow this is a wonderful thread.

By Parents when I first told them about my brother abusing me (for four years):

-Why don't you tell us more about it??

Well Mom, well Dad, I sent you a four page letter telling you about all the sh*t I've gone through. If I really wanted to talk to you and tell you all about it I would've sat you down in the first place and made you relive it all with me.

-We did some research and if word of this gets out at your school the personal are required to report it. So don't talk about this at school, you can't ruin your brother's life! I mean he has such a bright future.

WTF!!! Thanks a ton! Sure he has a future, I mean he only wants to be a pediatrician at this point in his life. You know, if he abused me for four years then you don't think he's going to do it again? To all the little girls he'll be around at his JOB?!?!?!??!?!? Basterds..

-Amy, are you sure you know what rape means?? It's when someone puts something in you that you don't want to be there. So are you sure it was rape? I mean boys are curious you know, he could have just been experimenting.

Yep, I pretty damn sure I know what he did. And umm yeah I'm in seventh grade, I'm pretty sure that I know what rape is classified as. I would classify forced sex as rape. Wouldn't you? Sure, sure experimenting... HE WAS IN SIXTH-TENTH GRADE!!!!!!!!!!!! I think he would've known better...

A ton of people at my school scream rape when someone like pokes them or something. It pisses me off. I feel like screaming at them, "YOU'RE NOT GETTING F*CKING RAPED!!!! YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU WERE!!!" Then.. well that wouldn't end well... So I just bit my lip and rant about it in my journal later... :)

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"quit overreacting"

- sorry but i don't think getting upset about years of sexual abuse is overreacting

"i would never marry anyone like you"

- well, gee dad, i feel the same way about you, you bastard

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I've gotten the awesome silence a few times. Oh and the pity looks completely make my day - NOT! A couple times I've heard "So what can I do about it?" Probably the worst for me was when a guy I was interested in said back to me "Well nothing actually happened, did it?" I just thought - no i wasn't actually physically raped, but I might as well have been. It'd be easier to explain why I'm having such a hard time still (a little over 2 yrs later). Oh and the good one from an ex-boyfriend who is now just a friend, but kinda knows the guy who abused me - "Well don't feel bad, if he did that to you then he's probably doing it to a lot of other girls too." Mkay so it's supposed to make me feel better that I'm not the only one he's screwing up for life?!

And I know that all these people meant well - none of them wanted me to be hurt by what they were saying, but that almost makes it worse.

Oh and my dad knows that I have an over-active startle reflex to loud or unexpected noises - so he likes to freak me out...thanks dad! I ended up yelling at him one night bc it was like the 3rd time he had scared me on purpose and I had asked him to please stop. My mom finally got him to quit, but still- I realize I'm paranoid and kinda crazy, but it bothers me and freaks me out so just don't do it!!!

Thanks for letting me rant - hugs to all of yall! :hug:

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Great thread Vera!!

My "best friend" after I told her

well you had been drinking

- your right I had been drinking the first time he raped me not any other time tho meanwhile you were in the next room high as a kite but I had been drinking silly me!! If I'd taken drugs would it have all been ok?

My "best friend" again

do you think it affects you so much because he took you a LITTLE out of your comfort zone?

A little out of my comfort zone really? Ya think coz I thought I was struggling coz I had been drinking!!

Needless to say we don't talk anymore!

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My mothers words:

- "Dont try to take this boyfriend too, who knows u might seduce him too".

-"You made him leave, all u do is cause problems.

-"Why did u tell the police, I would have believed u, its ur goal to ruin my life isnt it"

-"look what you did to my poor partner, you little lier"

-" Why do you have to go around spreading lies"

-" Dont hug me, you might report me too"

-" can u even tell child abuse from a hug? something wrong with you you crazy B*"

Edited by shoez

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Oh, man...I hate to even think about this topic, but... here goes:

my EX-boyfriend said, "So what? That happens to lots of girls, and they're okay."

What f***ing planet was he on?! They are not all "okay" :angry:

My abuser (father) said, "I didn't do anything wrong-you knew what you were doing."

Enough said.

One of my husband's EX-friends said, "Oh, that's not as bad as being beaten. If you'd lived with my dad, he'd have just tried to have sex with you. That's better than what happened to me."

Arrrrgh!! Every time I hear his name, this is the first thing I remember...I'm so glad my hub is not friends with him anymore. :dance:

Edited by BlueSwan

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my ex use to say to me u wont f@ck me but u would f@ck your father

Someone said to me once well its not as bad as being raped by a stranger

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:tealribbon: Over the past year I have learned how deeply words can hurt when someone makes an insensitive comment.... whether the conversation is about rape or whether someone uses the word "rape" to express some minor (or even major) injustice she or he is feeling at the moment. I have learned that words can hurt so deeply so fast and that it can take a while to recover from those senseless comments. It makes me angry when I hear those things now and so I step right up and explain that those words and statements can hurt people because no one knows how many survivors are among us at any given time and in any group. Since I am only a secondary, that is the best I can do right now because the really awful questions some of you have reported do not come up with me. However, let there be no misunderstanding that if I ever heard someone say something so stupid as what some of you have reported, I would be on it and that person like a duck on a June bug. I belive that we all have a responsibility to snuff out this senseless talk.

:tealribbon: Trustedfriend :throb:

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